Opposite gender friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It can be fine but you do need to be careful as a friend of the opposite sex can slowly turn into more if there is an attraction. As a female jogger whose husband does not run I wanted to find a group to run with. I did and over the course of a few years I developed a close friendship with one of the guys and I did not even realize it had happened. Our group would have a year end running party at a bar and I found myself telling my husband no spouses were going. So he didnt go and looking back on it now I should have not gone either. After a few drinks he and I were eye to eye in what I would call an intimate discussion. He made me laugh and at the end of the night we ended up kissing. Turned out he had the same feelings and I guess I should have known that. We had a fling and neither spouse found out about it initially. After a few years we each decided we better call it off. And now I feel awful but had I listened to some of the PP cooments above on be careful and aware, I think my head would have told me to cut it off before it began. So you just need to be careful and aware if it gets flirty! I did not do that. My husband found out eventually and we worked through it but I feel bad for not being truthful with him about it. And my friend? He never told his wife.

Is it really a "fling" if it lasted "a few years"? Seems more like an affair IMHO. Glad your DH became ok with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Do you really need an answer? Of course it isn't wrong. Be warned, though, if you are a woman your men friends think that simple acts of kindness and humanity mean that you LIKE them. I think this is because men don't do anything kind or above and beyond unless they want to have sex with you.

What a horribly misandrist thing to say. Were you born wrong or just raised badly?

I mean, probably both?

But back on topic, other than old college friends, I've found that once I've gotten emotionally close to a man they have started to read into it and get emotionally invested in a way that I'm not interested. I want to be a friend, not anything more than that. They start thinking there is more there.

Take what you will from that. I have limited experiences - I don't know all men everywhere.

Reading the truth on this forum is awesome, thank you. I have never heard of two heterosexual people of the opposite gender being friends without one of them wanting something more out of the relationship. They might downplay or deny it, but it always comes out in the end.

And to be fair, I don't mean casual friends - I have plenty of casual friendships with men. I mean close friendships. Friendships where you can get emotional support and sustanance.

In general, men rely on their girlfriends and wives for emotional support, whereas women rely on their spouses AND their friends. So there is a disconnect there, as women are used to getting emotional support from friends, whereas men are not. So when a woman starts giving them emotional support (as a friend) I think many men just start thinking they are closer than they actually are.

I know what men I should not become emotionally close to - because of my attraction to them, or their attraction to me. Because it will end badly. I can be casual friends, group friend, but no, we are not becoming close friends.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Is it wrong to often hang out alone, online and in person, with other man/woman when you're in a relationship? Is this fine if you are all long time friends?

Only immature and insecure people worry about this.

I disagree, it’s not the friendships that are the problem, but hanging out alone invites infidelity. Infidelity is actually defined as the keeping of secrets and the opportunity to create secrets or change the dynamics of your relationship with the third party is high. “We were just friends and then out of nowhere something happened” is more likely than most risky activities. Why take the risk of becoming that person? If protecting and developing your marriage is not your top priority, then you just aren’t ready for a monogamous relationship.

Because the risk can be so low that it's not worth throwing away a friendship because of it?

I work from home now but had an event in my old building where my friend (and the husband of my friend and my husband's friend) works. I was done around lunch, texted him, and we went to lunch. I would be annoyed at my husband (and my friend, his wife) if they thought this wasn't ok.

If it works for your marriage and you don’t have to hide anything in the friendship from your spouse, then you may be right. After all, you might be the exception to the rule.

They're not the exception. The ARE the rule.

These people who seem to think if opposite sex people spend time together they will inevitably shaboink are the ones with weird thinking and a poor grasp on reality.

Or we've been around long enough to see multiple friends divorce over adultery that started out as "friendships". The longer you live, the more you call it like you see it.

Or, you have main character syndrome and stupidly project what happened in your own little world with being the norm. It's not.

It really doesn't matter what I think or project. If your spouse is comfortable with your opposite sex friendship, then fine. If they are not, then it's your choice to prioritize your marriage or your friendship and let the chips fall.

And normal, mentally healthy people don't think there's a choice to be made here. That's my point. The only people who think there's risk have invalid feelings and thought processes.

I agree with this.

Also, as a woman, I find it odd that some of you think I am automatically attracted to every straight man out there? I have plenty of male friends. Had I wanted to date them, I would have, but I didn't because I'm not attracted to them. That mindset is super weird to me. Do you people go around just wanting to bang every person of the opposite sex you walk by?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you really need an answer? Of course it isn't wrong. Be warned, though, if you are a woman your men friends think that simple acts of kindness and humanity mean that you LIKE them. I think this is because men don't do anything kind or above and beyond unless they want to have sex with you.

What a horribly misandrist thing to say. Were you born wrong or just raised badly?

I mean, probably both?

But back on topic, other than old college friends, I've found that once I've gotten emotionally close to a man they have started to read into it and get emotionally invested in a way that I'm not interested. I want to be a friend, not anything more than that. They start thinking there is more there.

Take what you will from that. I have limited experiences - I don't know all men everywhere.

Reading the truth on this forum is awesome, thank you. I have never heard of two heterosexual people of the opposite gender being friends without one of them wanting something more out of the relationship. They might downplay or deny it, but it always comes out in the end.

Well, I'm a woman with plenty of male friends of multiple decades and your view of our friendships just isn't the case. So now you've heard of an example. You're welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you really need an answer? Of course it isn't wrong. Be warned, though, if you are a woman your men friends think that simple acts of kindness and humanity mean that you LIKE them. I think this is because men don't do anything kind or above and beyond unless they want to have sex with you.

What a horribly misandrist thing to say. Were you born wrong or just raised badly?

I mean, probably both?

But back on topic, other than old college friends, I've found that once I've gotten emotionally close to a man they have started to read into it and get emotionally invested in a way that I'm not interested. I want to be a friend, not anything more than that. They start thinking there is more there.

Take what you will from that. I have limited experiences - I don't know all men everywhere.

Reading the truth on this forum is awesome, thank you. I have never heard of two heterosexual people of the opposite gender being friends without one of them wanting something more out of the relationship. They might downplay or deny it, but it always comes out in the end.

Well, I'm a woman with plenty of male friends of multiple decades and your view of our friendships just isn't the case. So now you've heard of an example. You're welcome.

Damn, those guys take patience to a different level. Have they ever told you they were interested or are they just waiting for you to realize they are the one you can’t live without due to the depth of your relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it wrong to often hang out alone, online and in person, with other man/woman when you're in a relationship? Is this fine if you are all long time friends?

Only immature and insecure people worry about this.

I disagree, it’s not the friendships that are the problem, but hanging out alone invites infidelity. Infidelity is actually defined as the keeping of secrets and the opportunity to create secrets or change the dynamics of your relationship with the third party is high. “We were just friends and then out of nowhere something happened” is more likely than most risky activities. Why take the risk of becoming that person? If protecting and developing your marriage is not your top priority, then you just aren’t ready for a monogamous relationship.

Because the risk can be so low that it's not worth throwing away a friendship because of it?

I work from home now but had an event in my old building where my friend (and the husband of my friend and my husband's friend) works. I was done around lunch, texted him, and we went to lunch. I would be annoyed at my husband (and my friend, his wife) if they thought this wasn't ok.

If it works for your marriage and you don’t have to hide anything in the friendship from your spouse, then you may be right. After all, you might be the exception to the rule.

They're not the exception. The ARE the rule.

These people who seem to think if opposite sex people spend time together they will inevitably shaboink are the ones with weird thinking and a poor grasp on reality.

Or we've been around long enough to see multiple friends divorce over adultery that started out as "friendships". The longer you live, the more you call it like you see it.

Or, you have main character syndrome and stupidly project what happened in your own little world with being the norm. It's not.

It really doesn't matter what I think or project. If your spouse is comfortable with your opposite sex friendship, then fine. If they are not, then it's your choice to prioritize your marriage or your friendship and let the chips fall.

And normal, mentally healthy people don't think there's a choice to be made here. That's my point. The only people who think there's risk have invalid feelings and thought processes.

I agree with this.

Also, as a woman, I find it odd that some of you think I am automatically attracted to every straight man out there? I have plenty of male friends. Had I wanted to date them, I would have, but I didn't because I'm not attracted to them. That mindset is super weird to me. Do you people go around just wanting to bang every person of the opposite sex you walk by?

Then it’s not you who is interested, they are the ones waiting for the right time to approach the elephant in the room that only they can see.