Opposite gender friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always had male friends, and find it sad that people would automatically discount half the population.

+1

[Anonymous]

I had some close female friends who introduced me to my wife, so of course we hang out with them but as a couple. But no, in 20 years together the type of thing you describe has never happened - either my wife and I are there as a couple, or my female friend/her male friend is there with a significant other, or both. Not that it's necessarily wrong...it just hasn't come up.

[Anonymous]

Of course it isn’t wrong.

But once you are in a committed relationship, I think the time and energy you invest in others changes somewhat. My husband has two longtime female friends of several decades. One is married. One has never married. He texts with them some. He might go out to dinner with them once or twice a year. But, they have become my friends also so there are group texts and group dinners as well. He isn’t going over to watch TV every Friday night with them alone for 3 hours. That would be weird since we prefer to spend most time together and at this point have kids to spend time with also. I don’t have a female friend I hang out with every Friday night either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you really need an answer? Of course it isn't wrong. Be warned, though, if you are a woman your men friends think that simple acts of kindness and humanity mean that you LIKE them. I think this is because men don't do anything kind or above and beyond unless they want to have sex with you.

What a horribly misandrist thing to say. Were you born wrong or just raised badly?

This has been my experience too. I do have a great guy friend who I know would cross the line, but I have made it clear many times that I would never. I don’t find him attractive at all. But we have a great friendship with really deep conversation that I don’t get anywhere else. I have always struggled with female friendships so being married is hard.

So you are having an emotional affair, but have made it clear that you don’t want a physical one, so you don’t think it impacts your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it wrong to often hang out alone, online and in person, with other man/woman when you're in a relationship? Is this fine if you are all long time friends?

Only immature and insecure people worry about this.

I disagree, it’s not the friendships that are the problem, but hanging out alone invites infidelity. Infidelity is actually defined as the keeping of secrets and the opportunity to create secrets or change the dynamics of your relationship with the third party is high. “We were just friends and then out of nowhere something happened” is more likely than most risky activities. Why take the risk of becoming that person? If protecting and developing your marriage is not your top priority, then you just aren’t ready for a monogamous relationship.

[Anonymous]

Over 20 years with my husband and various guy friends have been important to me at times. There aren’t any right now.

The closest friends are:
- childhood friend who now lives in another country so we email but haven’t hung out in years. My husband met this friend pretty early on (a year?) and my friend thinking my husband was a good guy and vice versa were important to me. That friend tried to kiss me when we were about 10, but that’s it.

- neighbor in our old (different city) who was a really close friend for a few years. We’d go out and chat about our jobs, we played chess, and he had a disability that made certain errands hard so I’d help with those. On nights my husband was going to be out late he’d sometimes even say “you haven’t seen John for awhile. You should see if he wants to grab dinner.” I don’t know if it makes a difference, but we almost never hung out in each other’s apartments. We’d go run errands and then grab dinner out or hang out in a park etc. He moved when he got married and then we moved cross country and the friendship didn’t sustain itself. I’d be happy if I were to cross paths with him again though.

- a really good work friend whose office was next to mine. I never went to his apartment and he only came to ours when my husband and I had him for dinner sometimes. He was married with a kid, but there was a stretch of time when something happened and his wife had to travel for a bit and they decided the kid should be with her. My husband and I tried to increase how often we had him over. This friend and I would grab a beer after work once a month or so and occasionally did other things like see a show or exhibit our spouses weren’t interested in. We maintained a close friendship for about 12 years, were a bit less close (but still in touch) after I moved, but he passed away.

[Anonymous]

*pp - my post should say our old apartment building in a different city.

[Anonymous]

I kind of think it is, but DH has been so loose with it over the years that I've changed, too. I do whatever I want with whoever I want now. I have plenty of guy friends in my cycling group. It was fine for him to go out to lunches and dinners with women, but my new friends are kind of threatening him, and it's funny. I don't know why I was such a prude for so long before this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course it isn’t wrong.

But once you are in a committed relationship, I think the time and energy you invest in others changes somewhat. My husband has two longtime female friends of several decades. One is married. One has never married. He texts with them some. He might go out to dinner with them once or twice a year. But, they have become my friends also so there are group texts and group dinners as well. He isn’t going over to watch TV every Friday night with them alone for 3 hours. That would be weird since we prefer to spend most time together and at this point have kids to spend time with also. I don’t have a female friend I hang out with every Friday night either.

This.
If you're respectful of your relationship it's not an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Define “hang out with” OP. There is a lot of nuance here.

Also true

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it wrong to often hang out alone, online and in person, with other man/woman when you're in a relationship? Is this fine if you are all long time friends?

Only immature and insecure people worry about this.

I disagree, it’s not the friendships that are the problem, but hanging out alone invites infidelity. Infidelity is actually defined as the keeping of secrets and the opportunity to create secrets or change the dynamics of your relationship with the third party is high. “We were just friends and then out of nowhere something happened” is more likely than most risky activities. Why take the risk of becoming that person? If protecting and developing your marriage is not your top priority, then you just aren’t ready for a monogamous relationship.

Because the risk can be so low that it's not worth throwing away a friendship because of it?

I work from home now but had an event in my old building where my friend (and the husband of my friend and my husband's friend) works. I was done around lunch, texted him, and we went to lunch. I would be annoyed at my husband (and my friend, his wife) if they thought this wasn't ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it wrong to often hang out alone, online and in person, with other man/woman when you're in a relationship? Is this fine if you are all long time friends?

Only immature and insecure people worry about this.

I disagree, it’s not the friendships that are the problem, but hanging out alone invites infidelity. Infidelity is actually defined as the keeping of secrets and the opportunity to create secrets or change the dynamics of your relationship with the third party is high. “We were just friends and then out of nowhere something happened” is more likely than most risky activities. Why take the risk of becoming that person? If protecting and developing your marriage is not your top priority, then you just aren’t ready for a monogamous relationship.

This is not how normal people behave or interact. Like most people, you have a really distorted sense of risk assessment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you really need an answer? Of course it isn't wrong. Be warned, though, if you are a woman your men friends think that simple acts of kindness and humanity mean that you LIKE them. I think this is because men don't do anything kind or above and beyond unless they want to have sex with you.

What a horribly misandrist thing to say. Were you born wrong or just raised badly?

This has been my experience too. I do have a great guy friend who I know would cross the line, but I have made it clear many times that I would never. I don’t find him attractive at all. But we have a great friendship with really deep conversation that I don’t get anywhere else. I have always struggled with female friendships so being married is hard.

So you are having an emotional affair, but have made it clear that you don’t want a physical one, so you don’t think it impacts your marriage?

Uh, you’re nuts. An affair has to be romantic by nature, it’s not a friendship where you talk about deep things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kind of think it is, but DH has been so loose with it over the years that I've changed, too. I do whatever I want with whoever I want now. I have plenty of guy friends in my cycling group. It was fine for him to go out to lunches and dinners with women, but my new friends are kind of threatening him, and it's funny. I don't know why I was such a prude for so long before this.

Were his lunches and dinners work related or a woman he met at the gym/socially? Did you feel threatened in the past, express your concerns and he discounted your feelings?

He may feel threatened because your description of the situation sounds inappropriate, purposeful, disrespectful and combative.

[Anonymous]

It can be fine but you do need to be careful as a friend of the opposite sex can slowly turn into more if there is an attraction. As a female jogger whose husband does not run I wanted to find a group to run with. I did and over the course of a few years I developed a close friendship with one of the guys and I did not even realize it had happened. Our group would have a year end running party at a bar and I found myself telling my husband no spouses were going. So he didnt go and looking back on it now I should have not gone either. After a few drinks he and I were eye to eye in what I would call an intimate discussion. He made me laugh and at the end of the night we ended up kissing. Turned out he had the same feelings and I guess I should have known that. We had a fling and neither spouse found out about it initially. After a few years we each decided we better call it off. And now I feel awful but had I listened to some of the PP cooments above on be careful and aware, I think my head would have told me to cut it off before it began. So you just need to be careful and aware if it gets flirty! I did not do that. My husband found out eventually and we worked through it but I feel bad for not being truthful with him about it. And my friend? He never told his wife.