Opposite gender friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it wrong to often hang out alone, online and in person, with other man/woman when you're in a relationship? Is this fine if you are all long time friends?

Only immature and insecure people worry about this.

I disagree, it’s not the friendships that are the problem, but hanging out alone invites infidelity. Infidelity is actually defined as the keeping of secrets and the opportunity to create secrets or change the dynamics of your relationship with the third party is high. “We were just friends and then out of nowhere something happened” is more likely than most risky activities. Why take the risk of becoming that person? If protecting and developing your marriage is not your top priority, then you just aren’t ready for a monogamous relationship.

Because the risk can be so low that it's not worth throwing away a friendship because of it?

I work from home now but had an event in my old building where my friend (and the husband of my friend and my husband's friend) works. I was done around lunch, texted him, and we went to lunch. I would be annoyed at my husband (and my friend, his wife) if they thought this wasn't ok.

If it works for your marriage and you don’t have to hide anything in the friendship from your spouse, then you may be right. After all, you might be the exception to the rule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it wrong to often hang out alone, online and in person, with other man/woman when you're in a relationship? Is this fine if you are all long time friends?

Only immature and insecure people worry about this.

I disagree, it’s not the friendships that are the problem, but hanging out alone invites infidelity. Infidelity is actually defined as the keeping of secrets and the opportunity to create secrets or change the dynamics of your relationship with the third party is high. “We were just friends and then out of nowhere something happened” is more likely than most risky activities. Why take the risk of becoming that person? If protecting and developing your marriage is not your top priority, then you just aren’t ready for a monogamous relationship.

Because the risk can be so low that it's not worth throwing away a friendship because of it?

I work from home now but had an event in my old building where my friend (and the husband of my friend and my husband's friend) works. I was done around lunch, texted him, and we went to lunch. I would be annoyed at my husband (and my friend, his wife) if they thought this wasn't ok.

If it works for your marriage and you don’t have to hide anything in the friendship from your spouse, then you may be right. After all, you might be the exception to the rule.

They're not the exception. The ARE the rule.

These people who seem to think if opposite sex people spend time together they will inevitably shaboink are the ones with weird thinking and a poor grasp on reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you really need an answer? Of course it isn't wrong. Be warned, though, if you are a woman your men friends think that simple acts of kindness and humanity mean that you LIKE them. I think this is because men don't do anything kind or above and beyond unless they want to have sex with you.

What a horribly misandrist thing to say. Were you born wrong or just raised badly?

This has been my experience too. I do have a great guy friend who I know would cross the line, but I have made it clear many times that I would never. I don’t find him attractive at all. But we have a great friendship with really deep conversation that I don’t get anywhere else. I have always struggled with female friendships so being married is hard.

So you are having an emotional affair, but have made it clear that you don’t want a physical one, so you don’t think it impacts your marriage?

Uh, you’re nuts. An affair has to be romantic by nature, it’s not a friendship where you talk about deep things.

I may be nuts, but at least I am not uninformed. Try reading a little bit about emotional affairs and how their impact on marriages, then explain why I am nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it wrong to often hang out alone, online and in person, with other man/woman when you're in a relationship? Is this fine if you are all long time friends?

Only immature and insecure people worry about this.

I disagree, it’s not the friendships that are the problem, but hanging out alone invites infidelity. Infidelity is actually defined as the keeping of secrets and the opportunity to create secrets or change the dynamics of your relationship with the third party is high. “We were just friends and then out of nowhere something happened” is more likely than most risky activities. Why take the risk of becoming that person? If protecting and developing your marriage is not your top priority, then you just aren’t ready for a monogamous relationship.

This is not how normal people behave or interact. Like most people, you have a really distorted sense of risk assessment.

Considering the 50% divorce rate and the rising number of marriages impacted by adultery, maybe the distortion lives in the mindset that you are different. I am not saying you can’t be friends, but you are playing with fire when your spouse is excluded from the friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It can be fine but you do need to be careful as a friend of the opposite sex can slowly turn into more if there is an attraction. As a female jogger whose husband does not run I wanted to find a group to run with. I did and over the course of a few years I developed a close friendship with one of the guys and I did not even realize it had happened. Our group would have a year end running party at a bar and I found myself telling my husband no spouses were going. So he didnt go and looking back on it now I should have not gone either. After a few drinks he and I were eye to eye in what I would call an intimate discussion. He made me laugh and at the end of the night we ended up kissing. Turned out he had the same feelings and I guess I should have known that. We had a fling and neither spouse found out about it initially. After a few years we each decided we better call it off. And now I feel awful but had I listened to some of the PP cooments above on be careful and aware, I think my head would have told me to cut it off before it began. So you just need to be careful and aware if it gets flirty! I did not do that. My husband found out eventually and we worked through it but I feel bad for not being truthful with him about it. And my friend? He never told his wife.

The same thing happened in my running group. One of the runners slept with a man; his wife found out, and they moved to Europe for a job opportunity, saving their marriage (don't know if they are happy, but 10 years later, they are still married). The same woman then slept with another married man in our running group, and it blew up both of their marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it wrong to often hang out alone, online and in person, with other man/woman when you're in a relationship? Is this fine if you are all long time friends?

Only immature and insecure people worry about this.

I disagree, it’s not the friendships that are the problem, but hanging out alone invites infidelity. Infidelity is actually defined as the keeping of secrets and the opportunity to create secrets or change the dynamics of your relationship with the third party is high. “We were just friends and then out of nowhere something happened” is more likely than most risky activities. Why take the risk of becoming that person? If protecting and developing your marriage is not your top priority, then you just aren’t ready for a monogamous relationship.

Because the risk can be so low that it's not worth throwing away a friendship because of it?

I work from home now but had an event in my old building where my friend (and the husband of my friend and my husband's friend) works. I was done around lunch, texted him, and we went to lunch. I would be annoyed at my husband (and my friend, his wife) if they thought this wasn't ok.

If it works for your marriage and you don’t have to hide anything in the friendship from your spouse, then you may be right. After all, you might be the exception to the rule.

They're not the exception. The ARE the rule.

These people who seem to think if opposite sex people spend time together they will inevitably shaboink are the ones with weird thinking and a poor grasp on reality.

Or we've been around long enough to see multiple friends divorce over adultery that started out as "friendships". The longer you live, the more you call it like you see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It can be fine but you do need to be careful as a friend of the opposite sex can slowly turn into more if there is an attraction. As a female jogger whose husband does not run I wanted to find a group to run with. I did and over the course of a few years I developed a close friendship with one of the guys and I did not even realize it had happened. Our group would have a year end running party at a bar and I found myself telling my husband no spouses were going. So he didnt go and looking back on it now I should have not gone either. After a few drinks he and I were eye to eye in what I would call an intimate discussion. He made me laugh and at the end of the night we ended up kissing. Turned out he had the same feelings and I guess I should have known that. We had a fling and neither spouse found out about it initially. After a few years we each decided we better call it off. And now I feel awful but had I listened to some of the PP cooments above on be careful and aware, I think my head would have told me to cut it off before it began. So you just need to be careful and aware if it gets flirty! I did not do that. My husband found out eventually and we worked through it but I feel bad for not being truthful with him about it. And my friend? He never told his wife.

The same thing happened in my running group. One of the runners slept with a man; his wife found out, and they moved to Europe for a job opportunity, saving their marriage (don't know if they are happy, but 10 years later, they are still married). The same woman then slept with another married man in our running group, and it blew up both of their marriages.

100% agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it wrong to often hang out alone, online and in person, with other man/woman when you're in a relationship? Is this fine if you are all long time friends?

Only immature and insecure people worry about this.

I disagree, it’s not the friendships that are the problem, but hanging out alone invites infidelity. Infidelity is actually defined as the keeping of secrets and the opportunity to create secrets or change the dynamics of your relationship with the third party is high. “We were just friends and then out of nowhere something happened” is more likely than most risky activities. Why take the risk of becoming that person? If protecting and developing your marriage is not your top priority, then you just aren’t ready for a monogamous relationship.

This is not how normal people behave or interact. Like most people, you have a really distorted sense of risk assessment.

Considering the 50% divorce rate and the rising number of marriages impacted by adultery, maybe the distortion lives in the mindset that you are different. I am not saying you can’t be friends, but you are playing with fire when your spouse is excluded from the friendship.

There isn't a 50% divorce rate, dummy. That's never been a valid statistic.

https://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/19/health/divorce-rate-its-not-as-high-as-you-think.html

While we're busting myths ... second marriages are actually more stable than first.

https://sites.lsa.umich.edu/qmss/2023/01/20/what-percentage-of-marriages-end-in-divorce/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it wrong to often hang out alone, online and in person, with other man/woman when you're in a relationship? Is this fine if you are all long time friends?

Only immature and insecure people worry about this.

I disagree, it’s not the friendships that are the problem, but hanging out alone invites infidelity. Infidelity is actually defined as the keeping of secrets and the opportunity to create secrets or change the dynamics of your relationship with the third party is high. “We were just friends and then out of nowhere something happened” is more likely than most risky activities. Why take the risk of becoming that person? If protecting and developing your marriage is not your top priority, then you just aren’t ready for a monogamous relationship.

Because the risk can be so low that it's not worth throwing away a friendship because of it?

I work from home now but had an event in my old building where my friend (and the husband of my friend and my husband's friend) works. I was done around lunch, texted him, and we went to lunch. I would be annoyed at my husband (and my friend, his wife) if they thought this wasn't ok.

If it works for your marriage and you don’t have to hide anything in the friendship from your spouse, then you may be right. After all, you might be the exception to the rule.

They're not the exception. The ARE the rule.

These people who seem to think if opposite sex people spend time together they will inevitably shaboink are the ones with weird thinking and a poor grasp on reality.

Or we've been around long enough to see multiple friends divorce over adultery that started out as "friendships". The longer you live, the more you call it like you see it.

Or, you have main character syndrome and stupidly project what happened in your own little world with being the norm. It's not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it wrong to often hang out alone, online and in person, with other man/woman when you're in a relationship? Is this fine if you are all long time friends?

Only immature and insecure people worry about this.

I disagree, it’s not the friendships that are the problem, but hanging out alone invites infidelity. Infidelity is actually defined as the keeping of secrets and the opportunity to create secrets or change the dynamics of your relationship with the third party is high. “We were just friends and then out of nowhere something happened” is more likely than most risky activities. Why take the risk of becoming that person? If protecting and developing your marriage is not your top priority, then you just aren’t ready for a monogamous relationship.

Because the risk can be so low that it's not worth throwing away a friendship because of it?

I work from home now but had an event in my old building where my friend (and the husband of my friend and my husband's friend) works. I was done around lunch, texted him, and we went to lunch. I would be annoyed at my husband (and my friend, his wife) if they thought this wasn't ok.

If it works for your marriage and you don’t have to hide anything in the friendship from your spouse, then you may be right. After all, you might be the exception to the rule.

They're not the exception. The ARE the rule.

These people who seem to think if opposite sex people spend time together they will inevitably shaboink are the ones with weird thinking and a poor grasp on reality.

Or we've been around long enough to see multiple friends divorce over adultery that started out as "friendships". The longer you live, the more you call it like you see it.

Or, you have main character syndrome and stupidly project what happened in your own little world with being the norm. It's not.

It really doesn't matter what I think or project. If your spouse is comfortable with your opposite sex friendship, then fine. If they are not, then it's your choice to prioritize your marriage or your friendship and let the chips fall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it wrong to often hang out alone, online and in person, with other man/woman when you're in a relationship? Is this fine if you are all long time friends?

Only immature and insecure people worry about this.

I disagree, it’s not the friendships that are the problem, but hanging out alone invites infidelity. Infidelity is actually defined as the keeping of secrets and the opportunity to create secrets or change the dynamics of your relationship with the third party is high. “We were just friends and then out of nowhere something happened” is more likely than most risky activities. Why take the risk of becoming that person? If protecting and developing your marriage is not your top priority, then you just aren’t ready for a monogamous relationship.

Because the risk can be so low that it's not worth throwing away a friendship because of it?

I work from home now but had an event in my old building where my friend (and the husband of my friend and my husband's friend) works. I was done around lunch, texted him, and we went to lunch. I would be annoyed at my husband (and my friend, his wife) if they thought this wasn't ok.

If it works for your marriage and you don’t have to hide anything in the friendship from your spouse, then you may be right. After all, you might be the exception to the rule.

They're not the exception. The ARE the rule.

These people who seem to think if opposite sex people spend time together they will inevitably shaboink are the ones with weird thinking and a poor grasp on reality.

Or we've been around long enough to see multiple friends divorce over adultery that started out as "friendships". The longer you live, the more you call it like you see it.

Or, you have main character syndrome and stupidly project what happened in your own little world with being the norm. It's not.

It really doesn't matter what I think or project. If your spouse is comfortable with your opposite sex friendship, then fine. If they are not, then it's your choice to prioritize your marriage or your friendship and let the chips fall.

And normal, mentally healthy people don't think there's a choice to be made here. That's my point. The only people who think there's risk have invalid feelings and thought processes.

[Anonymous]

I am very much in favor of opposite gender friends, because it demystifies and desexualizes the opposite sex. I've had lunches and gone to movies with my male friends. I have noticed that here in the US, it's harder to develop those friendships than in my home country in western Europe, where opposite gender friendships are entirely normal and unquestioned. It's so weird that here, even on a progressive forum, we would still be debating whether they're acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it wrong to often hang out alone, online and in person, with other man/woman when you're in a relationship? Is this fine if you are all long time friends?

Only immature and insecure people worry about this.

I disagree, it’s not the friendships that are the problem, but hanging out alone invites infidelity. Infidelity is actually defined as the keeping of secrets and the opportunity to create secrets or change the dynamics of your relationship with the third party is high. “We were just friends and then out of nowhere something happened” is more likely than most risky activities. Why take the risk of becoming that person? If protecting and developing your marriage is not your top priority, then you just aren’t ready for a monogamous relationship.

This is not how normal people behave or interact. Like most people, you have a really distorted sense of risk assessment.

Considering the 50% divorce rate and the rising number of marriages impacted by adultery, maybe the distortion lives in the mindset that you are different. I am not saying you can’t be friends, but you are playing with fire when your spouse is excluded from the friendship.

There isn't a 50% divorce rate, dummy. That's never been a valid statistic.

https://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/19/health/divorce-rate-its-not-as-high-as-you-think.html

While we're busting myths ... second marriages are actually more stable than first.

https://sites.lsa.umich.edu/qmss/2023/01/20/what-percentage-of-marriages-end-in-divorce/

You must be fantastic irl, so engaging and tolerant of people who have different views. Interestingly enough, my personal experience differs with your proof points considering among my coworkers and personal relationships the divorce rates seem to be about 50% with second marriages closer to 70%. Infidelity issues have been about half of the people I know and not all have divorced. People just don’t commit, communicate or set boundaries the way they need to for a long term monogamous relationship to flourish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am very much in favor of opposite gender friends, because it demystifies and desexualizes the opposite sex. I've had lunches and gone to movies with my male friends. I have noticed that here in the US, it's harder to develop those friendships than in my home country in western Europe, where opposite gender friendships are entirely normal and unquestioned. It's so weird that here, even on a progressive forum, we would still be debating whether they're acceptable.

In Europe they also appear more open in their relationships and less concerned with monogamy, but that is just what I hear from my friends across the pond. You can have friends of the opposite sex, but desexualizing the opposite sex sounds like an uphill battle. I would personally rather protect what’s important to me than try to walk the tightrope of intentions and reality. Happy to hear that it does work for some people though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it wrong to often hang out alone, online and in person, with other man/woman when you're in a relationship? Is this fine if you are all long time friends?

Only immature and insecure people worry about this.

I disagree, it’s not the friendships that are the problem, but hanging out alone invites infidelity. Infidelity is actually defined as the keeping of secrets and the opportunity to create secrets or change the dynamics of your relationship with the third party is high. “We were just friends and then out of nowhere something happened” is more likely than most risky activities. Why take the risk of becoming that person? If protecting and developing your marriage is not your top priority, then you just aren’t ready for a monogamous relationship.

Because the risk can be so low that it's not worth throwing away a friendship because of it?

I work from home now but had an event in my old building where my friend (and the husband of my friend and my husband's friend) works. I was done around lunch, texted him, and we went to lunch. I would be annoyed at my husband (and my friend, his wife) if they thought this wasn't ok.

If it works for your marriage and you don’t have to hide anything in the friendship from your spouse, then you may be right. After all, you might be the exception to the rule.

They're not the exception. The ARE the rule.

These people who seem to think if opposite sex people spend time together they will inevitably shaboink are the ones with weird thinking and a poor grasp on reality.

Or we've been around long enough to see multiple friends divorce over adultery that started out as "friendships". The longer you live, the more you call it like you see it.

Or, you have main character syndrome and stupidly project what happened in your own little world with being the norm. It's not.

It really doesn't matter what I think or project. If your spouse is comfortable with your opposite sex friendship, then fine. If they are not, then it's your choice to prioritize your marriage or your friendship and let the chips fall.

And normal, mentally healthy people don't think there's a choice to be made here. That's my point. The only people who think there's risk have invalid feelings and thought processes.

Out of curiosity, does your spouse have “invalid feelings and thought processes” about your opposite sex friend? This reads so ridiculous that it's almost comical. Your spouse gets to feel betrayed and be ridiculed for her feelings and thought processes all at once.