Just got pre-teen a Smartwatch, it's not going well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your feedback, you've given me a lot to think about. I don't have any mom friends who have older kids/same age kids so it's helpful to get feedback about this issue.

The reason I wrote up a contract for the watch and why I'm concerned is that my son has no ability to self-regulate his screen time. We had to put the limit of 2 hours of screen time per day, otherwise he would spend all his free time on screens. We started introducing the idea of self-regulating screen time early on. But he has never been able to do it. If I tell him okay, you have screen time from 6-8 pm tonight, and then I get busy with laundry or something in the house and forget to check up on him until 9, he will still be on screens. When asked why he didn't self-regulate as I asked him to, and he knows he's supposed to do, he will say "I forgot." So I didn't want the watch/texting time to monopolize all his free time, the way screens tend to do.

While he in in multiple sports, and he reads for an hour before bed, he doesn't have any other at-home hobbies or interests. He is not able to entertain himself very well at home, and there are no kids his age in the neighborhood to hang out with. He gets no homework in school (maybe once a month) so after school when he's not in an activity, he has a hard time finding meaningful things to fill his time. If I didn't create a contract he would be texting during all his free time, and I don't think that's a good idea. I don't want him taking the watch to school because I know it will turn into a huge distraction and distract him from his studies. Last year he had some Cs on his report card, and it was because his best friend had a smart watch and was showing him texts and things during class, and it distracted him, causing him to get lower grades.

This is heartbreaking.

My daughter is a straight A student in a math magnet and also plays 3 sports and the violin. She has no problem managing her time and regulating herself. Yet, if I told her to only use her tablet from 6-8pm and didn’t follow up, yeah she’d probably be on it at 9pm. This is a very safe and minor way to push boundaries at the middle school age level. This is not a gateway behavior to becoming a homeless meth addict (which is how you’re acting.)

I would not take away my child’s ability to communicate with friends unless the friends were actually problematic. As it stands, my daughter’s friends study together and support each other (obviously they talk about other stuff too, but friends who are also interested in school help her stay motivated.) I know for a fact that her swim team friends are integral to helping her stay competitive and focused.

You are weaponizing communication.

I can say without a doubt that having a support system helps my daughter succeed. You are weaponizing basic communication and blocking your child from creating his own support system.

That is incredibly sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's too young for it. He doesn't need it and can't use it responsibly. Take it away.

And OP still hasn't answered, why can't he talk to a girl? What did he say to the girl?

[Anonymous]

If he has trouble stopping on time, then you push bacmstart time to make up the debt.

[Anonymous]

You should hand him the watch at 4pm and take it back at 6pm. Something like that. It's yours, not his. He borrows your watch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my 3rd post and sorry about that but I reread the OP and the update and I still can’t figure out what this kid did wrong besides text the girl. And he’s still reading an hour before bed. OP still hasn’t explained why he can’t text the girl. How did he violate the contract?

What really surprises me is that OP’s child is only 12 but he knows how to read. That is a huge accomplishment!

Fewer and fewer 12 year-olds know how to read in 2026.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He broke the contract, take the watch away.

That's what would happen at our house.

[Anonymous]

You have a kid who is doing well in school, plays multiple sports, reads and you are worried about two hours of screen time? I would call that a win.

DS is in 8th grade and enjoys watching Youtube and playing video games. He plays a rec sport, does a few after school clubs, is active in Scouts, and participates in academic enrichment of his choice. We have little problem with his playing video games or watching some TV on the few days a week that he has 2 hours at home before bed time. I would be worried if he were to stop doing the other things and only want to play video games or watch TV.

It sounds like your kid has a decent balance in his life.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a great kid and like a typical 12-year-old boy. It doesn’t sound to me like he’s on screens or texting too much. You obviously need to impose whatever consequences you’ve already agreed to, but going forward you need to rethink your contract and how you handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your feedback, you've given me a lot to think about. I don't have any mom friends who have older kids/same age kids so it's helpful to get feedback about this issue.

The reason I wrote up a contract for the watch and why I'm concerned is that my son has no ability to self-regulate his screen time. We had to put the limit of 2 hours of screen time per day, otherwise he would spend all his free time on screens. We started introducing the idea of self-regulating screen time early on. But he has never been able to do it. If I tell him okay, you have screen time from 6-8 pm tonight, and then I get busy with laundry or something in the house and forget to check up on him until 9, he will still be on screens. When asked why he didn't self-regulate as I asked him to, and he knows he's supposed to do, he will say "I forgot." So I didn't want the watch/texting time to monopolize all his free time, the way screens tend to do.

While he in in multiple sports, and he reads for an hour before bed, he doesn't have any other at-home hobbies or interests. He is not able to entertain himself very well at home, and there are no kids his age in the neighborhood to hang out with. He gets no homework in school (maybe once a month) so after school when he's not in an activity, he has a hard time finding meaningful things to fill his time. If I didn't create a contract he would be texting during all his free time, and I don't think that's a good idea. I don't want him taking the watch to school because I know it will turn into a huge distraction and distract him from his studies. Last year he had some Cs on his report card, and it was because his best friend had a smart watch and was showing him texts and things during class, and it distracted him, causing him to get lower grades.

This is heartbreaking.

My daughter is a straight A student in a math magnet and also plays 3 sports and the violin. She has no problem managing her time and regulating herself. Yet, if I told her to only use her tablet from 6-8pm and didn’t follow up, yeah she’d probably be on it at 9pm. This is a very safe and minor way to push boundaries at the middle school age level. This is not a gateway behavior to becoming a homeless meth addict (which is how you’re acting.)

I would not take away my child’s ability to communicate with friends unless the friends were actually problematic. As it stands, my daughter’s friends study together and support each other (obviously they talk about other stuff too, but friends who are also interested in school help her stay motivated.) I know for a fact that her swim team friends are integral to helping her stay competitive and focused.

You are weaponizing communication.

I can say without a doubt that having a support system helps my daughter succeed. You are weaponizing basic communication and blocking your child from creating his own support system.

That is incredibly sad.

We remind DS that he can set a timer on Alexa and are amazed if he does that half the time. He is 13. We need to help him remember because we are the parents. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. As long as he turns it off without grumbling and turning into a jerk, I count it as normal behavior. If it is happening frequently, then we have a conversation.

The kid is involved in sports, doing well in schools, and has some other activities. We might not be excited by it because we didn't have these options when we were kids but today, free time translates to video games. My parents didn't have cable so I went to friends houses who did and watched cable there. We stayed out past the street lights coming on breaking our parents time restrictions. None of this is new even if the means of missing parental deadlines and reminders and restrictions.

No offense, but this sounds like normal 12 year old behavior and not a crisis. I say this as the parent of an only child who can sometimes over react to events because of limited experiences and not fully understand the spectrum of behaviors out there.

[Anonymous]

Just because it’s a watch, doesn't mean it’s safe. Get your kid a phone with strict parental controls (Bark, Pinwheel, etc) where you are able to read and see everything they do and they can’t delete. They also need to ask permission to add people to their contacts so you know exactly who they are texting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about calling a meeting with him, you, and your husband, and just asking him in a heartfelt way to please be honest with you both about his watch-activities?

The kid’s brain isn’t fully developed, this is so stupid. And if he has ADHD (like me and my daughter) impulse control is so very much harder. The guardrails for kids need to be EXTERNAL, not internal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your feedback, you've given me a lot to think about. I don't have any mom friends who have older kids/same age kids so it's helpful to get feedback about this issue.

The reason I wrote up a contract for the watch and why I'm concerned is that my son has no ability to self-regulate his screen time. We had to put the limit of 2 hours of screen time per day, otherwise he would spend all his free time on screens. We started introducing the idea of self-regulating screen time early on. But he has never been able to do it. If I tell him okay, you have screen time from 6-8 pm tonight, and then I get busy with laundry or something in the house and forget to check up on him until 9, he will still be on screens. When asked why he didn't self-regulate as I asked him to, and he knows he's supposed to do, he will say "I forgot." So I didn't want the watch/texting time to monopolize all his free time, the way screens tend to do.

While he in in multiple sports, and he reads for an hour before bed, he doesn't have any other at-home hobbies or interests. He is not able to entertain himself very well at home, and there are no kids his age in the neighborhood to hang out with. He gets no homework in school (maybe once a month) so after school when he's not in an activity, he has a hard time finding meaningful things to fill his time. If I didn't create a contract he would be texting during all his free time, and I don't think that's a good idea. I don't want him taking the watch to school because I know it will turn into a huge distraction and distract him from his studies. Last year he had some Cs on his report card, and it was because his best friend had a smart watch and was showing him texts and things during class, and it distracted him, causing him to get lower grades.

This is heartbreaking.

My daughter is a straight A student in a math magnet and also plays 3 sports and the violin. She has no problem managing her time and regulating herself. Yet, if I told her to only use her tablet from 6-8pm and didn’t follow up, yeah she’d probably be on it at 9pm. This is a very safe and minor way to push boundaries at the middle school age level. This is not a gateway behavior to becoming a homeless meth addict (which is how you’re acting.)

I would not take away my child’s ability to communicate with friends unless the friends were actually problematic. As it stands, my daughter’s friends study together and support each other (obviously they talk about other stuff too, but friends who are also interested in school help her stay motivated.) I know for a fact that her swim team friends are integral to helping her stay competitive and focused.

You are weaponizing communication.

I can say without a doubt that having a support system helps my daughter succeed. You are weaponizing basic communication and blocking your child from creating his own support system.

That is incredibly sad.

Sounds like he's doing more than talking to friends (which isn't very productive at 12). He's texting girls.. I wouldn't want my 12yo DD texting boys. She doesn't have any device and won't have one for a while and is perfectly fine.

[Anonymous]

He sounds pretty well-rounded to me? Decent grades, sports, reads books. So what if he plays video games or watches TV? Honestly better watching shows/movies than scrolling short videos on YouTube and TikTok all day. Why do you want to treat him like a troublesome 6 year old? If he was getting in trouble with texting/social media (bullying, sexting, trying to buy or sell drugs) that would be one thing. But you haven’t indicated that’s an issue. Did someone tell you “you have to be extremely controlling of your kid’s time” and you took it to heart?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's too young for it. He doesn't need it and can't use it responsibly. Take it away.

And OP still hasn't answered, why can't he talk to a girl? What did he say to the girl?

I wouldn't want my high schooler texting a girl.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a great kid.

But he broke the contract and lied, so take the watch away for a week. This needs to happen tonight. It will be rough because he won’t be able to text his friends while there’s snow, but that’s the consequence for lying about screens.

After that, come together and negotiate a more reasonable contract. For example, watch time isn’t screen time, but watch must be charging in your bedroom from 8pm until after school the next day. Conversations are not private. Etc.