Just got pre-teen a Smartwatch, it's not going well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, what does the contract say? What was the contract for, if not this?

I just want to clarify that I think the contract sounds unreasonable but I mean, you did it, so why not just follow it? Did you ever intend to follow it? Before you worry about whether your rules are reasonable, start by not creating agreements you don't intend to keep. Because you can't just back end reasonableness by disregarding your own rules. That's not a good way to do anything.

[Anonymous]

Take the watch away.
2 hours per day of screen time is too much. This will get worse.
Can you sign him up for some after school activities?
Talk to him separately about conversations with girls. Be open and listen.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a completely crazy parent. You have laid out a minefield for your 12 yo and then are surprised that he's trying to avoid the mines?! He's participating in 3 (?) sports and is lazy and unmotivated? How many sports do you do? He has As and Bs and is putting too little time in at school? What are you, a Nobel laureate in physics? He's reading an hour a day at 12 and that's not enough??? You're trying to get him on meds for ADHD, because he doesn't jump high enough for you??? Listen lady, lay off the boy. I'm saying this as a PhD educated boy-mom. I'm surprised your son has not run away from home. You're an insane control freak micromanager. He's 12 now, not 2.

[Anonymous]

I mean ... he's 12.

You need stricter controls on the watch. An agreement to not take it to school isn't going to mean much to a lot of 12 year old. So -- it stays charging in the kitchen when he leaves for school, and you both check that it is there before he leaves. Etc. He violates the stricter controls you set up -- consequences. This is just parenting; nothing special about the watch.

[Anonymous]

Kids don't pick up the phone to call each other anymore. Real question: How do you expect him to stay in touch with friends outside of school? My kid can text, but not use YouTube, Safari, etc. once limited are reached. He's a freshman now, and this seems pretty standard among his friends.

I'd be more bother about inappropriate texts. You need to educate him about this. Everything is permanent; he needs to know this. And kids take screenshots and share with other kids. So much of this...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take the watch away.
2 hours per day of screen time is too much. This will get worse.
Can you sign him up for some after school activities?
Talk to him separately about conversations with girls. Be open and listen.

He reads for an hour a day, does a travel team, another sport, and a class, you're being ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

I’d take it away for a week or so and talk to him.

But 2 hours of screen time on school days is waaaay too much. I also have a 12 yo (& an older son), and she usually has 0 non-school screen time per day (& she doesn’t ask for it). If you don’t set it up as part of your routine/the kid’s expectation, this isn’t hard. Resetting will be hard, but I would try to have him fill his time other ways. There really aren’t that many hours to fill after school if your kid is already doing sports, reading, and doing his homework.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take the watch away.
2 hours per day of screen time is too much. This will get worse.
Can you sign him up for some after school activities?
Talk to him separately about conversations with girls. Be open and listen.

He reads for an hour a day, does a travel team, another sport, and a class, you're being ridiculous.

+1. I can't get over this "If it were up to him he would do nothing in his free time but watch TV." What else do you want him to do? Paint? A puzzle? My kids read and watch tv. After I've worked all day, given the little one a bath, I just want to watch TV. You sound uptight OP, of course he's going to lie to you.

[Anonymous]

It's too much micromanaging and too many stupid rules, OP. Of course he should be able to contact other kids. What's wrong with texting a girl? Were they swearing, sexting, etc? You need to reiterate safe communication rules, but you can't isolate him from talking to other kids, poor thing.

Instead of crushing all his independence, you need to pick your battles and just protect him from the worst. Otherwise he will lie to your face and manage to circumvent your rules, and truly resent you for years.

[Anonymous]

What is the point of a watch he isn't allowed to wear?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids don't pick up the phone to call each other anymore. Real question: How do you expect him to stay in touch with friends outside of school? My kid can text, but not use YouTube, Safari, etc. once limited are reached. He's a freshman now, and this seems pretty standard among his friends.

I'd be more bother about inappropriate texts. You need to educate him about this. Everything is permanent; he needs to know this. And kids take screenshots and share with other kids. So much of this...

+1

I know texting happens on a screen, but I don't glom it with screen time -- that is using the phone as a communication device. It's all the other stuff that we place limits on.

I think friendship is really important at this age. (From reading this forum lately, I've been surprised to learn that many disagree.) My 12 year old DD does well in school, has two ECs - one sport and one other- that she is heavily involved in, and reads a bunch too. I'm happy to have her spend a large chunk of her remaining down time communicating with friends. In this day and age, that means via text or facetime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d take it away for a week or so and talk to him.

But 2 hours of screen time on school days is waaaay too much. I also have a 12 yo (& an older son), and she usually has 0 non-school screen time per day (& she doesn’t ask for it). If you don’t set it up as part of your routine/the kid’s expectation, this isn’t hard. Resetting will be hard, but I would try to have him fill his time other ways. There really aren’t that many hours to fill after school if your kid is already doing sports, reading, and doing his homework.

So. Just so you know. Most tweens and teens have more than 2 hours of recreational screen time per day, even on school days. 2 hours is not the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, what does the contract say? What was the contract for, if not this?

I just want to clarify that I think the contract sounds unreasonable but I mean, you did it, so why not just follow it? Did you ever intend to follow it? Before you worry about whether your rules are reasonable, start by not creating agreements you don't intend to keep. Because you can't just back end reasonableness by disregarding your own rules. That's not a good way to do anything.

The contract is a hypercontrolling piece of crap. This is the stuff that builds up to lasting resentment and conflict in later teens years, people.

Don't sabotage your own parenting like this. Be reasonable. This kid is healthy and playing sports and, OK, could be doing better in school (at his age, he should be getting straight As). But texting a girl? What's NORMAL.

I'm glad he's getting a neuropsych. Also get him a tutor, OP. Those Bs, especially if they're in math, will come back to bite him in high school.

Smartwatches are not good for his eyesight if they're the primary mode of communication. Get him an actual iPad, that way, he cannot bring it to school. Allow a discord account for video games, and check it regularly to discuss safe conversations. This is what we did. Our kids are now 20 and 15 and they never had trouble with screens, or unsafe internet usage, and we didn't have major conflicts with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, what does the contract say? What was the contract for, if not this?

I just want to clarify that I think the contract sounds unreasonable but I mean, you did it, so why not just follow it? Did you ever intend to follow it? Before you worry about whether your rules are reasonable, start by not creating agreements you don't intend to keep. Because you can't just back end reasonableness by disregarding your own rules. That's not a good way to do anything.

The contract is a hypercontrolling piece of crap. This is the stuff that builds up to lasting resentment and conflict in later teens years, people.

Don't sabotage your own parenting like this. Be reasonable. This kid is healthy and playing sports and, OK, could be doing better in school (at his age, he should be getting straight As). But texting a girl? What's NORMAL.

I'm glad he's getting a neuropsych. Also get him a tutor, OP. Those Bs, especially if they're in math, will come back to bite him in high school.

Smartwatches are not good for his eyesight if they're the primary mode of communication. Get him an actual iPad, that way, he cannot bring it to school. Allow a discord account for video games, and check it regularly to discuss safe conversations. This is what we did. Our kids are now 20 and 15 and they never had trouble with screens, or unsafe internet usage, and we didn't have major conflicts with them.

It doesn’t matter if it’s crap, they have it. You have to use it if you have it. Or restart and throw it out.

Probably one of the reasons OP’s kid sneaks around is that her rules are unreasonable but surely the other is she makes a bunch of rules but then doesn’t enforce them.

[Anonymous]

I have a 13yo with adhd and very similar rules to yours. She got sneaky when the phone was in the kitchen overnight though so now it charges in my room. All electronics do. Have a consequence for breaking the rules but also know what he is doing is totally normal.