Just got pre-teen a Smartwatch, it's not going well

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for your feedback, you've given me a lot to think about. I don't have any mom friends who have older kids/same age kids so it's helpful to get feedback about this issue.

The reason I wrote up a contract for the watch and why I'm concerned is that my son has no ability to self-regulate his screen time. We had to put the limit of 2 hours of screen time per day, otherwise he would spend all his free time on screens. We started introducing the idea of self-regulating screen time early on. But he has never been able to do it. If I tell him okay, you have screen time from 6-8 pm tonight, and then I get busy with laundry or something in the house and forget to check up on him until 9, he will still be on screens. When asked why he didn't self-regulate as I asked him to, and he knows he's supposed to do, he will say "I forgot." So I didn't want the watch/texting time to monopolize all his free time, the way screens tend to do.

While he in in multiple sports, and he reads for an hour before bed, he doesn't have any other at-home hobbies or interests. He is not able to entertain himself very well at home, and there are no kids his age in the neighborhood to hang out with. He gets no homework in school (maybe once a month) so after school when he's not in an activity, he has a hard time finding meaningful things to fill his time. If I didn't create a contract he would be texting during all his free time, and I don't think that's a good idea. I don't want him taking the watch to school because I know it will turn into a huge distraction and distract him from his studies. Last year he had some Cs on his report card, and it was because his best friend had a smart watch and was showing him texts and things during class, and it distracted him, causing him to get lower grades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your feedback, you've given me a lot to think about. I don't have any mom friends who have older kids/same age kids so it's helpful to get feedback about this issue.

The reason I wrote up a contract for the watch and why I'm concerned is that my son has no ability to self-regulate his screen time. We had to put the limit of 2 hours of screen time per day, otherwise he would spend all his free time on screens. We started introducing the idea of self-regulating screen time early on. But he has never been able to do it. If I tell him okay, you have screen time from 6-8 pm tonight, and then I get busy with laundry or something in the house and forget to check up on him until 9, he will still be on screens. When asked why he didn't self-regulate as I asked him to, and he knows he's supposed to do, he will say "I forgot." So I didn't want the watch/texting time to monopolize all his free time, the way screens tend to do.

While he in in multiple sports, and he reads for an hour before bed, he doesn't have any other at-home hobbies or interests. He is not able to entertain himself very well at home, and there are no kids his age in the neighborhood to hang out with. He gets no homework in school (maybe once a month) so after school when he's not in an activity, he has a hard time finding meaningful things to fill his time. If I didn't create a contract he would be texting during all his free time, and I don't think that's a good idea. I don't want him taking the watch to school because I know it will turn into a huge distraction and distract him from his studies. Last year he had some Cs on his report card, and it was because his best friend had a smart watch and was showing him texts and things during class, and it distracted him, causing him to get lower grades.

Op, most 12 year old boys don't spend their free time doing things that you, a middle aged woman considers to be meaningful.

And I would hazard a guess that 99% of boys around his age have gone over their screen time - completely normal. Not a sign he is a problem child. He doesn't need to take the watch to school and you don't need to give him free run of screen time but you really seem to be clueless about 12 year old boys and what is developmentally normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your feedback, you've given me a lot to think about. I don't have any mom friends who have older kids/same age kids so it's helpful to get feedback about this issue.

The reason I wrote up a contract for the watch and why I'm concerned is that my son has no ability to self-regulate his screen time. We had to put the limit of 2 hours of screen time per day, otherwise he would spend all his free time on screens. We started introducing the idea of self-regulating screen time early on. But he has never been able to do it. If I tell him okay, you have screen time from 6-8 pm tonight, and then I get busy with laundry or something in the house and forget to check up on him until 9, he will still be on screens. When asked why he didn't self-regulate as I asked him to, and he knows he's supposed to do, he will say "I forgot." So I didn't want the watch/texting time to monopolize all his free time, the way screens tend to do.

While he in in multiple sports, and he reads for an hour before bed, he doesn't have any other at-home hobbies or interests. He is not able to entertain himself very well at home, and there are no kids his age in the neighborhood to hang out with. He gets no homework in school (maybe once a month) so after school when he's not in an activity, he has a hard time finding meaningful things to fill his time. If I didn't create a contract he would be texting during all his free time, and I don't think that's a good idea. I don't want him taking the watch to school because I know it will turn into a huge distraction and distract him from his studies. Last year he had some Cs on his report card, and it was because his best friend had a smart watch and was showing him texts and things during class, and it distracted him, causing him to get lower grades.

Not quite. It's because he has ADHD and needs meds, AND no other distractions. The watch was a mistake, OP. He needs a computer or tablet that is guaranteed to stay at home. You put parental controls on that thing and it shuts off after an hour. Throw the contract out of the window, exchange the watch for a tablet, allow him to download games and belong to chat groups, supervise the content occasionally, and that's it. You're making it harder than it needs to be.

My son has severe inattentive ADHD. He has no sense of time, which is challenging because it makes him late all the time. When he was a tween and struggling with wanting too much Minecraft, we needed a detox phase with no screens whatsoever until he was able to tolerate the screentime cutoff. You might have to implement that temporarily - bill it as a diet phase because he broke the rules of the smartwatch But really, no smart watch. He needs a real screen, used parsimoniously.

[Anonymous]

My sons are 14, 13, & 11, none have a phone or watch and their perfectly fine. Take it away and don’t give him any electronics till 10th or 11th grade. He’s obviously not ready, and don’t forget to punish him for the lying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your feedback, you've given me a lot to think about. I don't have any mom friends who have older kids/same age kids so it's helpful to get feedback about this issue.

The reason I wrote up a contract for the watch and why I'm concerned is that my son has no ability to self-regulate his screen time. We had to put the limit of 2 hours of screen time per day, otherwise he would spend all his free time on screens. We started introducing the idea of self-regulating screen time early on. But he has never been able to do it. If I tell him okay, you have screen time from 6-8 pm tonight, and then I get busy with laundry or something in the house and forget to check up on him until 9, he will still be on screens. When asked why he didn't self-regulate as I asked him to, and he knows he's supposed to do, he will say "I forgot." So I didn't want the watch/texting time to monopolize all his free time, the way screens tend to do.

While he in in multiple sports, and he reads for an hour before bed, he doesn't have any other at-home hobbies or interests. He is not able to entertain himself very well at home, and there are no kids his age in the neighborhood to hang out with. He gets no homework in school (maybe once a month) so after school when he's not in an activity, he has a hard time finding meaningful things to fill his time. If I didn't create a contract he would be texting during all his free time, and I don't think that's a good idea. I don't want him taking the watch to school because I know it will turn into a huge distraction and distract him from his studies. Last year he had some Cs on his report card, and it was because his best friend had a smart watch and was showing him texts and things during class, and it distracted him, causing him to get lower grades.

Not quite. It's because he has ADHD and needs meds, AND no other distractions. The watch was a mistake, OP. He needs a computer or tablet that is guaranteed to stay at home. You put parental controls on that thing and it shuts off after an hour. Throw the contract out of the window, exchange the watch for a tablet, allow him to download games and belong to chat groups, supervise the content occasionally, and that's it. You're making it harder than it needs to be.

My son has severe inattentive ADHD. He has no sense of time, which is challenging because it makes him late all the time. When he was a tween and struggling with wanting too much Minecraft, we needed a detox phase with no screens whatsoever until he was able to tolerate the screentime cutoff. You might have to implement that temporarily - bill it as a diet phase because he broke the rules of the smartwatch But really, no smart watch. He needs a real screen, used parsimoniously.

12 year old boys don't need an ADHD diagnosis to lack self regulation around screen time. Most of them lack self regulation around many things at that age.

[Anonymous]

12 year olds are snapping and texting and messaging each other all the time. There are giant group texts, smaller group texts, etc etc etc. Boys and girls text each other. They see it as a natural extension of conversations that occur at school. There is a lot of nonsense but it’s totally normal for kids to be texting each other at age 12 or even 8.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you are being way too controlling. It's totally normal he wants to text his friends.

I also don't agree with diagnosing every child with ADHD, but we are where we are on that one.

If using screens in free time and not having "meaningful" hobbies = ADHD well most of America has it.

This child is reading an hour a day and getting good grades and playing sports at a higher level if it's travel. My god let him text his friends.

[Anonymous]

OP, my son is 13, but pretty much same, unable to regulate his screen time, so I do it for him. We've tried having him take ownership of it, but we both have agreed that he doesn't have the willpower (and who would?).

This is not "you broke the contract, you will get punishment." This is, "oops, well, that, didn't work as we had intended, what can we change to make things flow smoothly and so that you don't have to lie to my face."

Trust me, I absolutely hate that my 13-year-old got his phone this year, and any adjustment to electronics is tough. But we're all having that conversation with other moms.

[Anonymous]

I have not read the whole thread, but if I decided to make my kid sign a contract before getting an item, and they broke the contract, the item would go away.

"I'm sorry you aren't ready for this. Maybe when you start high school".

I don't usually think of myself as a harsh parent, but if I made the first decision, I'd make the second.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your feedback, you've given me a lot to think about. I don't have any mom friends who have older kids/same age kids so it's helpful to get feedback about this issue.

The reason I wrote up a contract for the watch and why I'm concerned is that my son has no ability to self-regulate his screen time. We had to put the limit of 2 hours of screen time per day, otherwise he would spend all his free time on screens. We started introducing the idea of self-regulating screen time early on. But he has never been able to do it. If I tell him okay, you have screen time from 6-8 pm tonight, and then I get busy with laundry or something in the house and forget to check up on him until 9, he will still be on screens. When asked why he didn't self-regulate as I asked him to, and he knows he's supposed to do, he will say "I forgot." So I didn't want the watch/texting time to monopolize all his free time, the way screens tend to do.

While he in in multiple sports, and he reads for an hour before bed, he doesn't have any other at-home hobbies or interests. He is not able to entertain himself very well at home, and there are no kids his age in the neighborhood to hang out with. He gets no homework in school (maybe once a month) so after school when he's not in an activity, he has a hard time finding meaningful things to fill his time. If I didn't create a contract he would be texting during all his free time, and I don't think that's a good idea. I don't want him taking the watch to school because I know it will turn into a huge distraction and distract him from his studies. Last year he had some Cs on his report card, and it was because his best friend had a smart watch and was showing him texts and things during class, and it distracted him, causing him to get lower grades.

This is exactly what video games and books are for, single person at-home entertainment

[Anonymous]

What was surprising about what he and the girl were texting about. That’s something we need more information about. Wanting privacy in his texts and even lying about who he is texting is normal. Boys don’t want to tell their mom they are texting a girl. But if the focusing was inappropriate that is an issue.

[Anonymous]

"He is not able to entertain himself very well at home"... OP you're down the path where you wonder why your child cannot decide anything when they're older. Because YOU DON'T LET HIM. You don't let him develop independence. You don't let him develop his own interests. He wants his independence, which is why he lies. You're hindering his age-appropriate development. Using internet, texting, watching TV and movies etc. is NORMAL. This is what a child does when mom doesn't let him contact any of his friends. At 12, you should NOT be arranging playdates any more. Let him text for G*d sake. Let him play his video games. This is how youth communicates and socializes.

[Anonymous]

You need to back way down. You are way too controlling. He sounds like a normal 12 yo boy. I’m exhausted by your posts.

My son had his first “girl friend” in 6th grade. They sent harmless texts on their cells and saw eachother at school. His next girlfriend wasn’t until 11th grade. I certainly was not reading his every message by then.

No, don’t take away the watch. Stop with micromanaging his every move. Get him an actual smart phone by middle school and restrict it but loosen up the leash a bit and stop with the contracts. It’s a bit much. It is a you issue, not your son.

[Anonymous]

^and yes, my middle school he needs to arrange all social outings. Not you. My kids were doing this by 12. Kids don’t go through parents at 12!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He broke the contract, take the watch away.

+1 I'm not sure why this is a question.