Just got pre-teen a Smartwatch, it's not going well
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
Hi! I would love some advice about this really stressful issue.
My son is 12. So far we have resisted getting him a Smartwatch or phone, but felt he was getting left out of a lot of social things without the ability to text. So we went ahead and got him a Smartwatch, thinking that the inability to go on the Internet would be a positive, but he would be able to text and call his friends. I am really second-guessing this decision. As a bit of background, he struggles with motivation issues and has very few interests other than TV and video games (he does not have an ipad), though he is involved in a lot of sports--one travel team and one regular sport, as well as another sports class. He does two hours of screens (TV and video games) per day. I have tried to get him involved in at-home hobbies but other than reading, which he does for about an hour per day, it has been difficult. If it were up to him he would do nothing in his free time but watch TV. He does okay in school (As and Bs) but puts in very little effort and has no interest in school. We are currently in the process of getting him evaluated for ADHD. He has a lot of friends at school but never meets up with them unless I am the one organizing a meetup. This year he has struggled more socially because all of his good friends from the past two years either moved out of state this summer or went to private schools. He made new friends this year but has not met up with any of them all year, and I felt it was because he did not have a watch or phone (though several of his new friends don't either). Anyhow, we went ahead and got him the watch last month. We had him sign a contract that I created before getting the watch, which outlined important responsibilities with the watch, including safe texting, not taking the watch to school, and leaving it to charge in the kitchen overnight. It also mentioned in the contract that parents can read his text messages at any time and parental controls on the phone will be in place. Also in the contract was that his only watch time is one of his two hours of screen time per day (in other words if he uses the watch for an hour he doesn't play video games). We were trying to limit his overall screen time. So far he has lied to my face about the fact that he was texting a girl (and when I read his texts I was a bit shocked by what they were discussing), he told me that he is not texting her when he actually is, took the watch to school even though that's against our rules and then lied that he didn't know where the watch was, and made phone calls to this girl during times when he wasn't allowed to be using the watch. My husband feels that he should be allowed to keep the watch. I feel that he is not showing good character while using the watch, with the lying and using it when he shouldn't be. What should we do in this situation? Any advice? |
Anonymous
|
Seems you have set yourselves up for failure. You gave him a watch but with such rigid rules and micromanagement that he can't really even use. Of course he will lie, you put him in a position where he needs to. If he reads an hour a day and is on two sports teams, maybe he isn't the lazy loser you think he is. He is a 12 year old boy - they like video games and TV.
I think your expectations are off base. |
Anonymous
| He broke the contract, take the watch away. |
Anonymous
| Parent of 3 boys here. He sounds 100% normal. |
Anonymous
+100000 |
Anonymous
I'd be curious what the texts with the girl were about, that might warrant some kind of intervention, but I strongly agree with the bolded. He sounds like a normal 12 year old boy who is doing well. Deal with actual inappropriate phone use, but I wouldn't bring in the idea that he's unmotivated or lacking hobbies or whatever, he doesn't sound like that kid at all. |
Anonymous
|
Take the watch away for a week.
A week from now sit down and say you want to try again and set up ground rules that are going to work. Ask him what he thinks the rules should be. Tell him that you may need time to reflect on the rules but will meet again the next day. |
Anonymous
|
I would treat this as a one time “oops you totally disregarded allllll the rules. Let’s start over.”
Give him some say in what those rules are- and listen to him when he talks about how he wants to use his watch. Then, go one of two ways- have him earn those more flexible rules with good watch behavior. Or tell him that you will give him more flexible rules, but the next time he break them the watch is gone. I think you should have expected this behavior- and been set up to prevent (ie checking that the watch is at home, checking texts frequently in the beginning). But since that ship has sailed, you need to work with him to gain compliance, or you will have a hell of a fight on your hands for the next few years |
Anonymous
|
I’d take the watch away for a week bc you have to maintain authority and follow through , but honestly your rules were ridiculous. A watch can only call and text, teens want to maintain and develop friendships outside school (you state you want him to do that but then you try to control how he does that) and you are giving him zero autonomy.
Also - he sounds perfectly normal and any lack of motivation is probably bc he has a parent that is a critical control freak - self motivated kids do not develop in environments like this, as they generally will only do the minimum to keep you off their back. You need to lay off the criticisms and micromanagement. As for what to do - I agree with the above comments, after his punishment, do a redirect. Instead of the 2 hour limit - have watch free time. Bedtime with phone plugged in somewhere you can oversee, have him select a time he has distraction free homework, and discuss him having it at school maybe one day a week - tell him you’ll check his log and texts to make sure there is no activity during school times and he can earn extra days by following it. Again the watch can only call and text. He’s trying to connect with peers. He will never learn self control the way you are doing it |
Anonymous
|
Well, at this point you have to take his watch away so that he understands that you’re not joking about consequences to this action or he won’t take you seriously anymore.
But I think you need to reevaluate all of your rules. He only has two hours of screen time a day and one of those is the watch, of course he is lying to you. I agree with 10:56. |
Anonymous
Plus he is getting really decent grades. Not seeing a problem here |
Anonymous
| Is he not allowed to text a girl? Why not? |
Anonymous
| What about calling a meeting with him, you, and your husband, and just asking him in a heartfelt way to please be honest with you both about his watch-activities? |
Anonymous
| I mean, what does the contract say? What was the contract for, if not this? |
Anonymous
|
It seems that the girl is the disturbing part to you. He may be picking up on that and lying more to try to get some privacy.
Your pre teen is growing up and finding out that some girls interesting to him. Talk about that with him. Separate from the phone. |