Spouse told me I’m the reason they’re depressed

[Anonymous]

Hi, OP. Sorry to hear this. Does your spouse have a strong pattern of narcissistic traits? Have they struggled with alcohol use? Knowing these things would help get a larger picture.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound like the issue. Get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For context I should add the basis for starting therapy was because spouse blew up on me in front of kids and then let the oldest kid join in.

I felt this was a breaking point and spent some time away and it seems to be somewhat better. Apparently, I wasn’t seeing things the same way.

You were seeing things “only” your way. Start there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you’re here ruminating and concerned, and he’s off happy as a lark after his diatribe insult is telling. That’s not normal.

He’s abusive and accusing you of what he is doing. He is making others walk on eggshells and try to not let him explode or temper tantrum like a child.
Yikes.

It's not healthy, but it's actually really common.

People often project their unprocessed feelings, repressed/ unaddressed traumas, and overwhelming emotions onto others to avoid having to be responsible for managing those things.
It's not "I feel..." it's "You make me feel...". It's not "I'm overwhelmed/ overstimulated" it's "You're too much/ too loud/ too _____".

Once the unaddressed internal emotional conflict/ overwhelm has been put on something/ someone external, it's "over there" which feels much lighter to the person who doesn't want to or doesn't have the skill to address the concern directly. Now it's YOUR responsibility to fix MY feelings, not mine, and that's MUCH easier for me (for now)!

How immature and underdeveloped.

Terrible that kids are seeing this type of role model in their very own parent. Toxic.

Listen, my dude: nobody on the planet gets perfect parents. Jesus Himself didn't get perfect parents. Everybody has their flaws, and while you tried to sneak "mentally disordered" into my post, no, it's all people. Your need to lash out and call a stranger names and "toxic" is probably projecting your own unhealed mess onto this situation. Nobody was given magical maturity at birth. We're all people, and we're all subject to these patterns until/unless we acquire the tools and skills to become better aware of them and choose differently. That's not "mentally disordered", just human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dunno. My ex wife made ME very depressed too.

Then why didn't you leave?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse started going to therapy to deal with some traumatic experiences and ptsd for a few months. It seemed to be helping with depressive episodes, but in a mundane disagreement about household renovations, that stopped and told me that I’m the reason they’ve been depressed for years, and all of it is unrelated to ptsd. This was followed by minutes of them telling me how I’m a bully, they walk on egg shells around me, and life in fear that I’m going to be mad. Then says that the rest of the family is always happier when I’m not around.

I’m blindsided by this relevation and feel like an absolutely horrible and unwanted person.

I’ve been hiding my tears all weekend. Meanwhile my spouse has been cheerful and now tells me they can’t live without me, complimenting my appearance and wants nothing more than to make it work.

Maybe I’m feeling overly emotional right now but this feels a little abusive.

A little abusive? It's textbook cycle of abuse


First there was probably tension building, though OP didn't identify it. Then this blow up incident. Then some sort of reconciliation ("I can't live without you," the appearance compliments, "I want nothing more than to make it work") and finally the calm of cheerful all weekend. Soon the tension will probably start to build again.

And OP, are you sure your spouse isn't engaging in DARO and turning around all the things you have to do to deal with them on you? "I'm not depressed," (Deny the problem), "You're a bully" (Attack the person who is actually a victim), "I have to walk around on eggshells around you" (Reverse Victim and Offender)?

True abuse victims are picked because - research shows - they are kind people (even if abuse eventually warps them into angry people who resemble mean, crabby codependents). They often are more than willing to look at their lives and see where they contribute to the problems in the family system. OP does the bullying accusation ring true? Would your family of origin or a close friend recognize the possibility?

Or is it more likely that this accusation is actually abuse by your spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse started going to therapy to deal with some traumatic experiences and ptsd for a few months. It seemed to be helping with depressive episodes, but in a mundane disagreement about household renovations, that stopped and told me that I’m the reason they’ve been depressed for years, and all of it is unrelated to ptsd. This was followed by minutes of them telling me how I’m a bully, they walk on egg shells around me, and life in fear that I’m going to be mad. Then says that the rest of the family is always happier when I’m not around.

I’m blindsided by this relevation and feel like an absolutely horrible and unwanted person.

I’ve been hiding my tears all weekend. Meanwhile my spouse has been cheerful and now tells me they can’t live without me, complimenting my appearance and wants nothing more than to make it work.

Maybe I’m feeling overly emotional right now but this feels a little abusive.

A good therapist will be able to impel the onion and see who’s unable to have a discussion or resolve a conflict.

Keep a logbook.

Your could be dealing w a real gaslighting BS’er spouse who lies to their therapist. Or you are the gaslighter and the gig is up.

In cases of abuse marriage therapy is not recommended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you’re here ruminating and concerned, and he’s off happy as a lark after his diatribe insult is telling. That’s not normal.

He’s abusive and accusing you of what he is doing. He is making others walk on eggshells and try to not let him explode or temper tantrum like a child.
Yikes.

It's not healthy, but it's actually really common. People often project their unprocessed feelings, repressed/unaddressed traumas, and overwhelming emotions onto others to avoid having to be responsible for managing those things. It's not "I feel..." it's "You make me feel...". It's not "I'm overwhelmed/overstimulated" it's "You're too much/too loud/too _____". Once the unaddressed internal emotional conflict/overwhelm has been put on something/someone external, it's "over there" which feels much lighter to the person who doesn't want to or doesn't have the skill to address the concern directly. Now it's YOUR responsibility to fix MY feelings, not mine, and that's MUCH easier for me (for now)!

Agree

OP also needs to look up Coercive Control.

Sounds like they have kids and ones already copying the other parent’s misbehaviors and poor communication manipulations. Sad.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse started going to therapy to deal with some traumatic experiences and ptsd for a few months. It seemed to be helping with depressive episodes, but in a mundane disagreement about household renovations, that stopped and told me that I’m the reason they’ve been depressed for years, and all of it is unrelated to ptsd. This was followed by minutes of them telling me how I’m a bully, they walk on egg shells around me, and life in fear that I’m going to be mad. Then says that the rest of the family is always happier when I’m not around.

I’m blindsided by this relevation and feel like an absolutely horrible and unwanted person.

I’ve been hiding my tears all weekend. Meanwhile my spouse has been cheerful and now tells me they can’t live without me, complimenting my appearance and wants nothing more than to make it work.

Maybe I’m feeling overly emotional right now but this feels a little abusive.

This is abusive. I would seek therapy so you can leave. This is something I would never forgive.

[Anonymous]

OP - I think you will be in for more if the marriage dynamics don't change.
He is demonstrating some level of glee at making you feel bad.
If you stay in this marriage, you need to dissociate so that you are not vulnerable going forward.
I watched my infantile FIL constantly and snidely put down my MIL for years. He hung every single responsibility on her. He made her his mommy but resented her for it.
Everyone could see it. Today their friends who are elderly are quite frank in expressing their opinion of my FIL. I think she stayed in the marriage because she believed in upholding her vows. She respected the marriage, and separated that from him as a person. That was how she could proceed.
She has passed away and people recall her fondly.
There is not the same level of regard for my FIL.

[Anonymous]

Follow up to above - i know she struggled with the marriage though. I would find diagrams of her feelings even after the grandchildren were born snd she entered her 70s. They were constantly socializing and on the go. I think because she could not stand to be alone with him.
Quite often I wonder at what point did she realize she married a child and how crushing that must have been to a young bride and mother.
Like I said, there aren't many words of praise for my FIL.

[Anonymous]

"I also want to say that depressed people typically look for those around them to make them happy. Instead of making themselves happy."

"He’s abusive and accusing you of what he is doing. He is making others walk on eggshells and try to not let him explode or temper tantrum like a child.

Agree. Suggest few couples therapy appointments, looking at yourself at what you can do better, and strong consideration if you want to stay in this. Big red flag as someone said - people who argue by saying "You..." "You..." instead of "When you do X I feel Y" or "I feel..." are very poor verbal communicators.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse started going to therapy to deal with some traumatic experiences and ptsd for a few months. It seemed to be helping with depressive episodes, but in a mundane disagreement about household renovations, that stopped and told me that I’m the reason they’ve been depressed for years, and all of it is unrelated to ptsd. This was followed by minutes of them telling me how I’m a bully, they walk on egg shells around me, and life in fear that I’m going to be mad. Then says that the rest of the family is always happier when I’m not around.

I’m blindsided by this relevation and feel like an absolutely horrible and unwanted person.

I’ve been hiding my tears all weekend. Meanwhile my spouse has been cheerful and now tells me they can’t live without me, complimenting my appearance and wants nothing more than to make it work.

Maybe I’m feeling overly emotional right now but this feels a little abusive.

I’d be done after that A-hole unnecessary comment. They showed their true colors with that one.

I’d only say that as I was serving someone divorce papers.

No therapist would sanction that comment.

What kind of therapy is he supposed doing? Just talk therapy? Lie and lie in circles until you rewrite the narrative.

Also, if this isn’t a troll post, what was the original ptsd and underlying disorders that led him to therapy in the first place? (Besides his ranges and temper tantrums/ anger control issues).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dunno. My ex wife made ME very depressed too.

Depression.c unless an isolated acute incident, is an output of other underlying issues.

Everyone’s depressed - to some extent - in a bad marriage and household.

The key is to find the real driver(s) of that. It’s never as simple as blaming the other adult around. It’s usually a handful of bad habits that need to be nixed, or a bad communication style, or an underlying mental disorder, or a disordered person’s maladaptive copes.

Once the healthy person finds the underlying driver, they’ll be able to find healthy copes. Including divorce, parallel lives, detachment.

Once the unhealthy person fines the underlying driver, they’ll too will need to decide to work on n the issue or punch out.

Continuing to argue and menace each other is not a viable path forward. Nor is DARVO.

The person seeking the underlying issue will gain peace. The person still raging at surface level things will not.

[Anonymous]

So is OP’s spouse worried about what now? Nothing? No concerns but for themselves and wanting their way? Any kid concerns?

Or are they feeling dandy because they just blamed everything on Op and continued on their merry way.