Parents divorcing after 50 years of marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Damn. I can’t believe the number of selfish adult children in this thread who think their parents have an obligation to stay together to appease their 30yo+ adult children.

That's not why. It's because I've seen this go really badly for the people who are divorcing.

Going really badly for whom? This is highly individualized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be so angry if my parents did this. It's ALL going to fall on you now as their kid. Even little appts like eye appts where they dilate your eyes will need someone to drive the parent. Parents should be helping each other through sicknesses in old age and not burdening their kids. And multiple holidays now...

My aunt and uncle did this and financially they really never recovered.

This.

Financially it's a disaster. They can't afford as much divorced as they could have together. Your dad will likely remarry and she'll get everything.

Inheritance is dumb anyway. We should tax inheritance at 90% and block gifts from people over 60 to pay for medicare.

You clearly don’t have any money. For as long as you’ve had a job, the government has taken out money for Medicare. It’s crap anyway.

[Anonymous]

If they are loaded then they can afford to live separately with assisted living, so are they? If they are broke, this could really impact OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents did not divorce, but they "divorced" in the sense that they were leaving on 2 separate continents for the last 6 years of my dad's life, and my mom would stay in a hotel instead of their house when she visited the continent where my dad was.

Where I come from, this is divorce. They just live in different houses and do their own thing.

That creates problems for Medicaid when you need to go to a nursing home.

How? Doesn't medicaid only count 50% of marital assets/property which is what they would have gotten in a divorce? It's different if one spouse is still working, but if they have been married for 50 years, I assume neither spouse is working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shocking how everyone just thinks of money!

Because this is what matters. It makes the difference between dying with barely-there medical care, and dying in relative comfort. It makes the difference between an engaging last few years, and just waiting for death. There are very few people to whom money does not matter in the last 10 years of their life.

Married old people regularly need tons of paid care and drain all their assets on that.

[Anonymous]

OP, does this news surprise you? Is one of your parents a nasty drunk? I would ask each of your parent, “What’s your plan?” And, then, try not to take sides.

[Anonymous]

If these folks married in their early 20s, they’re in their early 70s and assuming decent health, she may have 20 years left to live - so might he.

If one of them is truly miserable in the marriage, it’s worth getting out. A single year of peace and quiet after decades with someone who has made a person miserable is PRICELESS.

I’ve spent the last decade working in elder care, much of it hospice status patients. I’ve listened to people lamenting a life wasted in an unhappy marriage. I’ve learned how little money and possessions matter to people who can see the exit sign over the exit door.

I respect anyone who has the courage to stand up for themselves, no matter how late in the game.

I wish these people peace on the journey.

[Anonymous]

Your dad is probably gay.

[Anonymous]

Here’s a thread started yesterday that is somewhat relevant: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1306829.page

Imagine a loveless marriage where you aren’t even really friends - why would anyone choose to stay in that? Many, many do - ‘for the kids.’ Never mind that a dysfunctional marriage does children no good, and often does them serious psychological harm which may not manifest until full adulthood, when they try to do marriage or commitment themselves or try to raise kids and get very triggered by their childhood.

Again, we should never criticize the human spirit when it seeks for freedom. No matter the timing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did they have a 50 year anniversary? And then they called it quits? Are they both in good health?

This is rare because most people and marriages just dont last that long. And most that do think its more of a hassle to get out than stay. There had to have been something traumatic below the surface here to make ir worth their time.

I would encourage each to find a retirement community to move in to. Sell their house and assets and split it and see how long the money will last them in their new homes. Your burden will be to visit. But their care and eventual death may be easier logistically if they find a place to stay in now and downgrade most of their things.

Cognitive decline leads to delusions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents did not divorce, but they "divorced" in the sense that they were leaving on 2 separate continents for the last 6 years of my dad's life, and my mom would stay in a hotel instead of their house when she visited the continent where my dad was.

Where I come from, this is divorce. They just live in different houses and do their own thing.

That creates problems for Medicaid when you need to go to a nursing home.

How so?!

[Anonymous]

Yes, my parents did. It was terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be so angry if my parents did this. It's ALL going to fall on you now as their kid. Even little appts like eye appts where they dilate your eyes will need someone to drive the parent. Parents should be helping each other through sicknesses in old age and not burdening their kids. And multiple holidays now...

My aunt and uncle did this and financially they really never recovered.

This.

Financially it's a disaster. They can't afford as much divorced as they could have together. Your dad will likely remarry and she'll get everything.

Inheritance is dumb anyway. We should tax inheritance at 90% and block gifts from people over 60 to pay for medicare.

We all pay for medicare in our pay checks as soon as we start working, THEN we have to pay a co-pay, premiums, deductables and its generally 80-20 so you have to pay a supplement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents did not divorce, but they "divorced" in the sense that they were leaving on 2 separate continents for the last 6 years of my dad's life, and my mom would stay in a hotel instead of their house when she visited the continent where my dad was.

Where I come from, this is divorce. They just live in different houses and do their own thing.

That creates problems for Medicaid when you need to go to a nursing home.

How so?!

Medicaid eligibility requires a spend down of assets and owning two homes (even as a couple) can be a problem for eligibility.

[Anonymous]

Just make it clear that you aren’t carrying a double burden because of their decision. Not visiting twice as many houses. If they visit they get half of what the both of them would. Your support is split in two or given to the “normal” parent if the other one is the villain or a the crazy one.