MIL told DD “I love you more than I love your dad.” What now?

[Anonymous]

What’s the problem with her loving her grandchild more than her son? You just like attention and want to make a big deal over nothing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get the idea that DH should handle his mother but this would be teaching MIL she can get his attention by saying things to DD. I'd just ignore.

Exactly. That’s exactly how triangulation works. She will then know she succeeded. I don’t know what I would do, to be honest. That’s a tough spot.

I just posted about my difficult mil and I really think that making a “thing” out of this just makes her successful. People llle that feed off drama, especially negative drama. Just starve it by refusing to see the drama behind the passive aggressive statements. Cheerful obliviousness is the most successful strategy, along with deciding where your limits are (for example we turned down trust funds for your kids because we didn’t want her to use that as a power play or to give her our kids social security numbers).

That is commendable. Many people allow an inheritance to be held over their heads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is what you say "Boomers are so crazy. What a weird thing to say." The sooner she realizes that this woman is going to say a lot of crazy shit and she should ignore it, the better.

It's not the generation--it's the person. "Grandma can be selfish and say mean things sometime when she's disappointed that people don't do what she wants. Just know that she loves you and Dad."

This pulls the kid right into the middle of the drama and is just as unfair to kid as what grandma did. Two wrongs don’t make a right here.
Keep kid out of drama. Do not feed the beast.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone here watch what lies beneath? People like this are energy vampires or emotion vampires. They want you to be upset. Why reward that? It just makes them stronger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is what you say "Boomers are so crazy. What a weird thing to say." The sooner she realizes that this woman is going to say a lot of crazy shit and she should ignore it, the better.

It's not the generation--it's the person. "Grandma can be selfish and say mean things sometime when she's disappointed that people don't do what she wants. Just know that she loves you and Dad."

This pulls the kid right into the middle of the drama and is just as unfair to kid as what grandma did. Two wrongs don’t make a right here.
Keep kid out of drama. Do not feed the beast.

It's the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Whew, thanks everyone. I was worried this was the beginning of the manipulation of DD. No one sees it as that? If not, I won’t needlessly upset DH. Thank you!

Oh no, it is definitely the beginning of manipulation. I can't believe other people can't see that!! I would mention it to your DH, but do not involve your DD in that conversation.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the above poster. MIL should not be using a 9 year old as a sounding board for her complaints. Badmouthing the child's father to the child is also bad. I'd not lie to the girl. The grandma isn't "silly" or mean something else. DD is uncomfortable for a reason. Do not gaslight her out of trusting her own reactions. Let the 9 yo choose whether to go with MIL on future outings. MIL cannot undermine your three person family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s the problem with her loving her grandchild more than her son? You just like attention and want to make a big deal over nothing?

Again, read the OP. That's not the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Whew, thanks everyone. I was worried this was the beginning of the manipulation of DD. No one sees it as that? If not, I won’t needlessly upset DH. Thank you!

Oh no, it is definitely the beginning of manipulation. I can't believe other people can't see that!! I would mention it to your DH, but do not involve your DD in that conversation.

Absolutely this! And I agree that the MIL will feed off any drama it creates among the adults. She lit a little fuse by talking to the child and will only have achieved her goal if you let it blow up. Be as measured as possible with your daughter but do let her know that it is not the way parents typically talk about their children and that she can feel free to let grandma know that speaking badly about her father is upsetting to her. My MIL is always trying to snare me and the kids into complaining about other family members. I just starve it at the source and refuse to engage. It’s emotional immaturity plain and simple. Sorry OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone here watch what lies beneath? People like this are energy vampires or emotion vampires. They want you to be upset. Why reward that? It just makes them stronger.

The Michelle Pfiefer horror movie?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is what you say "Boomers are so crazy. What a weird thing to say." The sooner she realizes that this woman is going to say a lot of crazy shit and she should ignore it, the better.

It's not the generation--it's the person. "Grandma can be selfish and say mean things sometime when she's disappointed that people don't do what she wants. Just know that she loves you and Dad."

This pulls the kid right into the middle of the drama and is just as unfair to kid as what grandma did. Two wrongs don’t make a right here.
Keep kid out of drama. Do not feed the beast.

It's the truth.

Yes it is. And saying it like that will put the daughter back in the middle so it isn’t helpful.

[Anonymous]

"Can you share some of that extra love with your dad? I think he'd appreciate it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Whew, thanks everyone. I was worried this was the beginning of the manipulation of DD. No one sees it as that? If not, I won’t needlessly upset DH. Thank you!

Oh no, it is definitely the beginning of manipulation. I can't believe other people can't see that!! I would mention it to your DH, but do not involve your DD in that conversation.

Absolutely this! And I agree that the MIL will feed off any drama it creates among the adults. She lit a little fuse by talking to the child and will only have achieved her goal if you let it blow up. Be as measured as possible with your daughter but do let her know that it is not the way parents typically talk about their children and that she can feel free to let grandma know that speaking badly about her father is upsetting to her. My MIL is always trying to snare me and the kids into complaining about other family members. I just starve it at the source and refuse to engage. It’s emotional immaturity plain and simple. Sorry OP!

This is bad too. Don't make the child fight the battle. Just say that "love" is a complicated word wnd people often don't know what they mean by it. And children are naturally more lovable that adults, as an evolutionary adaptation to keep them safe and healthy when they are small and weak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone here watch what lies beneath? People like this are energy vampires or emotion vampires. They want you to be upset. Why reward that? It just makes them stronger.

The Michelle Pfiefer horror movie?

Ack, no sorry — I meant what we do in the shadows. (Comedy about vampires in states island.). Menopause is crossing the wires in my brain. The emotion vampire was so funny and just dead-on observation about a certain type of person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is what you say "Boomers are so crazy. What a weird thing to say." The sooner she realizes that this woman is going to say a lot of crazy shit and she should ignore it, the better.

It's not the generation--it's the person. "Grandma can be selfish and say mean things sometime when she's disappointed that people don't do what she wants. Just know that she loves you and Dad."

This pulls the kid right into the middle of the drama and is just as unfair to kid as what grandma did. Two wrongs don’t make a right here.
Keep kid out of drama. Do not feed the beast.

It's the truth.

Yes it is. And saying it like that will put the daughter back in the middle so it isn’t helpful.

Back in the middle of what? She doesn't have to do anything. It's just FYI.