MIL told DD “I love you more than I love your dad.” What now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom told my kids she loved them more than me and I did not bat an eye. I was not offended at all. I can see she lives rhen differently and unconditionally and I live that for them

While my mom never said that out loud I know she loved my kids so much. She died a few months ago and I was more sad for them than for me knowing what they would be missing out on. Having more people who love your kids so much is a gift and I hate that they will miss out on that. I can't imagine being a jealous fool over something like this said to your kids or using it to cut someone off.

It's the out loud part that is the problem, pp. Your mom had a filter and chose not to hurt your feelings deliberately.

But my feelings wouldn't have been hurt. I would have laughed and said grandma has been disappointed in me her whole life. She was, but she was also very jealous of my successes so it was really just her problem. If you have a parent like this you wouldn't actually be surprised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In dysfunctional families, this is known as triangulation. Instead of talking directly to her son, MIL is using your daughter to communicate her negative feelings to your DH. She is also using love as a weapon. I would have a talk with MIL and let her know that her remarks were inappropriate, upset DD and need to stop. That is your job as her mother.

I'm on the fence over whether OP should speak to MIL or wait and see if her DH can talk to her instead. In general I agree with this but who talks to whom depends a little bit on relationships. I do think it's essential to discuss with your DH and get on the same page.

I would also tell my DD that if her grandmother ever says stuff like that again about her dad (or you) that upset her, DD is entitled to tell her MIL that she doesn't feel comfortable with that kind of talk. Some kids won't feel comfortable setting that boundary with a grandparent at that age, which is okay, and you can definitely help her set it. But she's old enough for you to explain that what grandma said about her dad was not appropriate and it's okay to tell her grandma not to talk like that. One day your DD will need to be able to set boundaries like that on her own and now is a good time to start thinking about how.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of you are reading the headline and not actually reading the OP.

This is not a doting grandma lovingly confessing she loves her grandchildren more than her kids, which on it's own is not a big deal.

This is a grandma trying to drag her granddaughter into a dysfunctional relationship between her grandma and dad, putting down the child's father and using the child as a sounding board (and maybe go between) in an adult relationship. It's really inappropriate.

This isn't for OP to handle. She wants to go behind his back to deal with it. Bad idea.

She absolutely can handle this. It is upsetting her child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of you are reading the headline and not actually reading the OP.

This is not a doting grandma lovingly confessing she loves her grandchildren more than her kids, which on it's own is not a big deal.

This is a grandma trying to drag her granddaughter into a dysfunctional relationship between her grandma and dad, putting down the child's father and using the child as a sounding board (and maybe go between) in an adult relationship. It's really inappropriate.

This isn't for OP to handle. She wants to go behind his back to deal with it. Bad idea.

She absolutely can handle this. It is upsetting her child.

But not her husband's child too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of you are reading the headline and not actually reading the OP.

This is not a doting grandma lovingly confessing she loves her grandchildren more than her kids, which on it's own is not a big deal.

This is a grandma trying to drag her granddaughter into a dysfunctional relationship between her grandma and dad, putting down the child's father and using the child as a sounding board (and maybe go between) in an adult relationship. It's really inappropriate.

This isn't for OP to handle. She wants to go behind his back to deal with it. Bad idea.

I agree OP should not go behind her husband's back -- she need to talk to him and they need to decide how to handle moving forward. But the people saying "aw, that's a sweet thing to say and wouldn't bother me" are clearly just reading the quote in the headline and are not getting the context of the MIL badmouthing her son to her granddaughter and trying to use her affection for her granddaughter as a weapon against her son. This is not just a grandma being sweet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of you are reading the headline and not actually reading the OP.

This is not a doting grandma lovingly confessing she loves her grandchildren more than her kids, which on it's own is not a big deal.

This is a grandma trying to drag her granddaughter into a dysfunctional relationship between her grandma and dad, putting down the child's father and using the child as a sounding board (and maybe go between) in an adult relationship. It's really inappropriate.

This isn't for OP to handle. She wants to go behind his back to deal with it. Bad idea.

She absolutely can handle this. It is upsetting her child.

But not her husband's child too?

They should handle it together. OP isn't doing her DH any favors in keeping this from him. He's a grown up, and he needs to deal with his mom as she actually is, not a fantasy version of her in his head. Especially because she now has a relationship with his daughter.

OP and her DH need to talk it out and handle it together. OP has a vested interest here because it impacts her daughter, it's not one of those IL issues where the spouse should stay out of it altogether.

[Anonymous]

Op tell us you don’t care for your MIL without telling us .

[Anonymous]

I get the idea that DH should handle his mother but this would be teaching MIL she can get his attention by saying things to DD. I'd just ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get the idea that DH should handle his mother but this would be teaching MIL she can get his attention by saying things to DD. I'd just ignore.

Exactly. That’s exactly how triangulation works. She will then know she succeeded. I don’t know what I would do, to be honest. That’s a tough spot.

[Anonymous]

Don’t tell him. My mil did something bad in front of me, I told my husband privately and he confronted her. She ADAMANTLY DENIED making me look like a fool. Followed one of the worst fight in my marriage!!!.
Just slowly reduce the chances of mil to be alone with your child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of you are reading the headline and not actually reading the OP.

This is not a doting grandma lovingly confessing she loves her grandchildren more than her kids, which on it's own is not a big deal.

This is a grandma trying to drag her granddaughter into a dysfunctional relationship between her grandma and dad, putting down the child's father and using the child as a sounding board (and maybe go between) in an adult relationship. It's really inappropriate.

This isn't for OP to handle. She wants to go behind his back to deal with it. Bad idea.

She absolutely can handle this. It is upsetting her child.

But not her husband's child too?

He wouldn't want her upset either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t tell him. My mil did something bad in front of me, I told my husband privately and he confronted her. She ADAMANTLY DENIED making me look like a fool. Followed one of the worst fight in my marriage!!!.
Just slowly reduce the chances of mil to be alone with your child

Your husband failed you. He should have believed you and backed you up. He sounds like a mother-enmeshed man (MEM). Read "When He's Married to Mom".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of you are reading the headline and not actually reading the OP.

This is not a doting grandma lovingly confessing she loves her grandchildren more than her kids, which on it's own is not a big deal.

This is a grandma trying to drag her granddaughter into a dysfunctional relationship between her grandma and dad, putting down the child's father and using the child as a sounding board (and maybe go between) in an adult relationship. It's really inappropriate.

This isn't for OP to handle. She wants to go behind his back to deal with it. Bad idea.

She absolutely can handle this. It is upsetting her child.

But not her husband's child too?

He wouldn't want her upset either.

I bet OP is exaggerating greatly in her plot to oust MIL from her life. Her husband is ok with it so she needs some ammunition. A lot of kids would be like "Grandma loves ME best!" and would be thrilled. This upset seems suspect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom told my kids she loved them more than me and I did not bat an eye. I was not offended at all. I can see she lives rhen differently and unconditionally and I live that for them

While my mom never said that out loud I know she loved my kids so much. She died a few months ago and I was more sad for them than for me knowing what they would be missing out on. Having more people who love your kids so much is a gift and I hate that they will miss out on that. I can't imagine being a jealous fool over something like this said to your kids or using it to cut someone off.

It's the out loud part that is the problem, pp. Your mom had a filter and chose not to hurt your feelings deliberately.

But my feelings wouldn't have been hurt. I would have laughed and said grandma has been disappointed in me her whole life. She was, but she was also very jealous of my successes so it was really just her problem. If you have a parent like this you wouldn't actually be surprised.

Sounds like a different relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't sweat it too much OP.
Just say awww Grandma is silly. Maybe she loves you more because you're not at her house alllll the time. Of course she loves daddy so much.

Then forget it.

+1. I have a MIL that is emotionally manipulative and has almost no relationship with my spouse. This one would not register for me as a major problem— just one more indication that her judgment isn’t great. I would say that’s because you’re so darn lovable! grandma was likely irritated with dad. Sometimes when we grow up we have disagreements with our parents that can be irritating. I’m sure grandma still loves your dad. And I know your dad and I will love you so much for your whole life — even when we don’t agree on things.