MIL told DD “I love you more than I love your dad.” What now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is what you say "Boomers are so crazy. What a weird thing to say." The sooner she realizes that this woman is going to say a lot of crazy shit and she should ignore it, the better.

It's not the generation--it's the person. "Grandma can be selfish and say mean things sometime when she's disappointed that people don't do what she wants. Just know that she loves you and Dad."

This pulls the kid right into the middle of the drama and is just as unfair to kid as what grandma did. Two wrongs don’t make a right here.
Keep kid out of drama. Do not feed the beast.

It's the truth.

Yes it is. And saying it like that will put the daughter back in the middle so it isn’t helpful.

[Anonymous]

"Can you share some of that extra love with your dad? I think he'd appreciate it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Whew, thanks everyone. I was worried this was the beginning of the manipulation of DD. No one sees it as that? If not, I won’t needlessly upset DH. Thank you!

Oh no, it is definitely the beginning of manipulation. I can't believe other people can't see that!! I would mention it to your DH, but do not involve your DD in that conversation.

Absolutely this! And I agree that the MIL will feed off any drama it creates among the adults. She lit a little fuse by talking to the child and will only have achieved her goal if you let it blow up. Be as measured as possible with your daughter but do let her know that it is not the way parents typically talk about their children and that she can feel free to let grandma know that speaking badly about her father is upsetting to her. My MIL is always trying to snare me and the kids into complaining about other family members. I just starve it at the source and refuse to engage. It’s emotional immaturity plain and simple. Sorry OP!

This is bad too. Don't make the child fight the battle. Just say that "love" is a complicated word wnd people often don't know what they mean by it. And children are naturally more lovable that adults, as an evolutionary adaptation to keep them safe and healthy when they are small and weak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone here watch what lies beneath? People like this are energy vampires or emotion vampires. They want you to be upset. Why reward that? It just makes them stronger.

The Michelle Pfiefer horror movie?

Ack, no sorry — I meant what we do in the shadows. (Comedy about vampires in states island.). Menopause is crossing the wires in my brain. The emotion vampire was so funny and just dead-on observation about a certain type of person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is what you say "Boomers are so crazy. What a weird thing to say." The sooner she realizes that this woman is going to say a lot of crazy shit and she should ignore it, the better.

It's not the generation--it's the person. "Grandma can be selfish and say mean things sometime when she's disappointed that people don't do what she wants. Just know that she loves you and Dad."

This pulls the kid right into the middle of the drama and is just as unfair to kid as what grandma did. Two wrongs don’t make a right here.
Keep kid out of drama. Do not feed the beast.

It's the truth.

Yes it is. And saying it like that will put the daughter back in the middle so it isn’t helpful.

Back in the middle of what? She doesn't have to do anything. It's just FYI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom definitely loves my kids more than me. We dont get along well. I say "you guys are lucky to have such a loving grandma." Because it's true.

I get along with my mother but she loves her grandchildren the most I would guarantee. And I’ll bet the OP loves her daughter more than her husband.

[Anonymous]

Grandparents love their grandchildren more than their own children. There are a few reasons for it -

- Parenting your own children is a full time and mostly a job full of responsibilities and very little fun. Whereas, with your own grandkids, you spoil them and return them back to their parents. There is very little stress because you are not parenting the grandkids.

- Grandparents don't sweat the small stuff because they have learned that childhood is over very soon. With their own children they did not enjoy their childhood very much because they were parenting them and providing for them, but with the grandkids they are intentional about spending time with them and loving them.

- Grandparents may have complicated and fractured relationship with their children once they become adults. But, grandkids are still non-judgemental and loving. It is also a way to connect with their adult children.

- Many adult children and their spouse, use access to their children as a bargaining point with the grandparents, and there is always a resentment when that happens. The grandkids then become the more valuable relationships for the grandkids

- Adult children can disappoint. Grandkids on the other hand are cute, innocent and have not yet disappointed the grandparents.

[Anonymous]

You can’t just remove everything remotely complicated or upsetting from your child’s life.

[Anonymous]

You're overthinking it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of you are reading the headline and not actually reading the OP.

This is not a doting grandma lovingly confessing she loves her grandchildren more than her kids, which on it's own is not a big deal.

This is a grandma trying to drag her granddaughter into a dysfunctional relationship between her grandma and dad, putting down the child's father and using the child as a sounding board (and maybe go between) in an adult relationship. It's really inappropriate.

This isn't for OP to handle. She wants to go behind his back to deal with it. Bad idea.

She absolutely can handle this. It is upsetting her child.

It’s upsetting his child too. He needs to be part of this.

[Anonymous]

Wow it is one thing to feel different levels of love or closeness for family members. But it is so inappropriate to vocalize those feelings and share them with a child, especially about a parent’s love for their own child.

It’s actually a really insidious idea to plant in the child’s head (that a parent’s love is conditional, and that the love can be taken away if you don’t do what the parent wants). It’s so messed up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't sweat it too much OP.
Just say awww Grandma is silly. Maybe she loves you more because you're not at her house alllll the time. Of course she loves daddy so much.

Then forget it.

This.

[Anonymous]

I think the bigger problem is the grandmother complaining to the child about what the child’s father won’t do that grandma wants. This is way worse.

DH had an aunt who would pull this on her great nieces and nephews. It was upsetting to the kids and ended up with most families cutting her off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s easier to love your grandchildren than your children because you don’t have the pressure of raising them. You don’t have to do any of the heavy lifting. Being a grandparent is like bring a Disney dad - you just swoop in for the fun stuff. Just tell DD Grandma meant it’s easier with her than with her dad.

I would go with this. Kids understand this stuff more than we think. It also takes the heavy emotional pain out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is what you say "Boomers are so crazy. What a weird thing to say." The sooner she realizes that this woman is going to say a lot of crazy shit and she should ignore it, the better.

Not helpful. And there will be times when OP says things other people would judge as inappropriate.