MIL told DD “I love you more than I love your dad.” What now?

[Anonymous]

My MIL takes my DD9 out for a snack or visit about once a month. It’s always been pretty low-key. She went again yesterday, and when she got home, I could tell something was off. After some gentle pressing, DD told me that MIL said, “I love you more than I love your dad.” Apparently, MIL had been complaining to DD that DH doesn’t do certain things for her, and then said this. DD was really upset and confused. For context, MIL and DH have a very rocky relationship. She’s emotionally immature, tends to be manipulative, and while DH keeps the door cracked, they’re not close. Until now, she’s never directed that kind of behavior toward DD.

I’m really torn about how to handle this. It feels like an inappropriate and heavy thing to put on a child, and I don’t think these one-on-one “dates” should continue, at least for now. But I don’t know how to address it without hurting DH. He’s always held on to hope that his mom might someday be the mom he needs, and this would devastate him.

If I tell him, he’ll want to know exactly what happened. If I confront MIL, it’ll almost certainly get back to DH. And if I quietly stop the visits, DH will ask why.

How do I protect DD and address this without blowing everything up? Has anyone dealt with something similar, where a grandparent said or did something emotionally manipulative like this?

[Anonymous]

You should not be in the middle of this. Your husband is not so fragile that you need to keep his mother's comments to his daughter away from him.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't sweat it too much OP.
Just say awww Grandma is silly. Maybe she loves you more because you're not at her house alllll the time. Of course she loves daddy so much.

Then forget it.

[Anonymous]

My mom definitely loves my kids more than me. We dont get along well. I say "you guys are lucky to have such a loving grandma." Because it's true.

[Anonymous]

It’s easier to love your grandchildren than your children because you don’t have the pressure of raising them. You don’t have to do any of the heavy lifting. Being a grandparent is like bring a Disney dad - you just swoop in for the fun stuff. Just tell DD Grandma meant it’s easier with her than with her dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't sweat it too much OP.
Just say awww Grandma is silly. Maybe she loves you more because you're not at her house alllll the time. Of course she loves daddy so much.

Then forget it.

+1 just move on OP. She shouldn't have said that but oh well. It wouldn't surprise me for that to be true. My parents have always loved and supported me but our relationship has complex dynamics and history as well. They love my kids like crazy (probably "more" honestly, they are little are so cute and fun and openly loving).

[Anonymous]

I mean, it's a fact. Do nothing unless you think she has dementia. Maybe tell your DD you're happy for her because she has so many people who love her!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Whew, thanks everyone. I was worried this was the beginning of the manipulation of DD. No one sees it as that? If not, I won’t needlessly upset DH. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

To your DD, tell her Grandma didn't mean it that way. To Grandma, tell her what DD said to you and see what she says. (Don't text this conversation, look her in the face). When she back tracks, explain that 9 year olds don't always understand the joke and to be more careful.

[Anonymous]

I think it is a bit manipulative but I have a mom who is probably similar to your MIL. It's something to keep an eye on. My mom wasn't a great mom but she loves DS and is a great grandmother. Taking the stresses of parenting out of the equation lessened her control issues and allowed her to be more fun and open.

The "I love you more" isn't what is necessarily manipulative. But if she's talking about WHY she loves her more and talking about all the things he doesn't do or should do, that's when the manipulation can come into play. For now, just keep an eye on things. I've always been upfront with DS about my mom and mine's relationship so he knew to come to me if she did things that made him uncomfortable or upset.

[Anonymous]

My parents and extended family live overseas. This summer I told my mom I wanted to visit without my kids (financial reasons). She immediately said: "What do we need you for?" And this is a very kind woman! She just didn't see the need to see me at all if my kids weren't coming along as well.

[Anonymous]

I think you are way overreacting to this on a one time basis. “Grandma is silly” is the right approach. And then see what happens next.

[Anonymous]

None of this sounds believable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of this sounds believable.

And yet others have chimed in with similar accounts. Get a hobby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of this sounds believable.

This