MIL told DD “I love you more than I love your dad.” What now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of this sounds believable.

And yet others have chimed in with similar accounts. Get a hobby.

No, they didn't though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are way overreacting to this on a one time basis. “Grandma is silly” is the right approach. And then see what happens next.

+1. My mom was like OP's MIL. She passed away, but she really got worse near the end, in terms of things she would say to the grandkids. It was always worse whenever we took anything she said seriously.

We had to learn to treat the way she denigrated her children to her grandchildren the same way you would treat anti-immigration comments and stuff like that - "Haha, Grandma loves everybody but just says funny things! People get like that when they get older, it's normal!" That was the best approach. Even though some things she said would get under our skin, especially my sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Whew, thanks everyone. I was worried this was the beginning of the manipulation of DD. No one sees it as that? If not, I won’t needlessly upset DH. Thank you!

The good news is that your DD tells you things.
Also if it gets worse over time, DD is also getting older over time and will start to make some astute observations.
My DD who is 14 is already very good at sussing out grandma's over the top comments and her criticisms (and her criticisms of me, although that has stopped) and making her own opinion. She distances herself when she can, and puts in "quality time" with grandma. One could say that she now manipulates grandma. Kids are smart.

[Anonymous]

Of course she loves her grandchild more, who wouldn't?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL takes my DD9 out for a snack or visit about once a month. It’s always been pretty low-key. She went again yesterday, and when she got home, I could tell something was off. After some gentle pressing, DD told me that MIL said, “I love you more than I love your dad.” Apparently, MIL had been complaining to DD that DH doesn’t do certain things for her, and then said this. DD was really upset and confused. For context, MIL and DH have a very rocky relationship. She’s emotionally immature, tends to be manipulative, and while DH keeps the door cracked, they’re not close. Until now, she’s never directed that kind of behavior toward DD.

I’m really torn about how to handle this. It feels like an inappropriate and heavy thing to put on a child, and I don’t think these one-on-one “dates” should continue, at least for now. But I don’t know how to address it without hurting DH. He’s always held on to hope that his mom might someday be the mom he needs, and this would devastate him.

If I tell him, he’ll want to know exactly what happened. If I confront MIL, it’ll almost certainly get back to DH. And if I quietly stop the visits, DH will ask why.

How do I protect DD and address this without blowing everything up? Has anyone dealt with something similar, where a grandparent said or did something emotionally manipulative like this?

You need to have an open and honest conversation about your concerns with DH. You and DH can then decide what to do about your MIL's inappropriate, boundary-crossing behavior. It might be hurtful to him, but he needs to manage his relationship with his mother. You shouldn't be managing his relationship with his mother.

[Anonymous]

Your husband needs to have a talk with hi momma.
Not you.

[Anonymous]

I don't think my husband would care one bit if his mom said this. He's not 5. He would probably find it funny.

[Anonymous]

My mom told my kids she loved them more than me and I did not bat an eye. I was not offended at all. I can see she lives rhen differently and unconditionally and I live that for them

[Anonymous]

I think the bigger issue is that the MIL was putting down the dad to his daughter. Saying "I love you more than your dad" isn't great but could be okay in context. However, the context here is the MIL complaining about how the dad isn't a good son, doesn't do enough for her, and therefore MIL loves her granddaughter more. The implication is that the granddaughter DOES do things for MIL, thus earning her affection. And there's an undercurrent that this relationship is designed to spite the son. It's very dysfunctional and I think OP is right to be concerned.

I would have a conversation with your DD explaining it's not a competition and it's great that DD has a good relationship with MIL. But I'd also tell her that it was not appropriate for MIL to complain about your DH to your DD, and that how MIL feels about your DH is between them and DD should not be in the middle.

I would also tell your DH because (1) it's his mom and his issue, and (2) you say your DD came home upset about it. That's his daughter, he should know about the incident and that it upset your DD. I would discuss with him how he wants to handle. My priority would be on preventing these kinds of interactions between MIL and DD in the future, without trying to prevent them from seeing each other (if DD gets something out of the relationship, it's worth it to continue even if MIL is problematic -- DD can have an uncomplicated relationship with her IF the adults involved are mature about it). Whether that means DH talks to MIL, or you talk to MIL, or you guys just coach DD on how to change the subject or set a boundary with MIL if it comes up again, is up to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom told my kids she loved them more than me and I did not bat an eye. I was not offended at all. I can see she lives rhen differently and unconditionally and I live that for them

While my mom never said that out loud I know she loved my kids so much. She died a few months ago and I was more sad for them than for me knowing what they would be missing out on. Having more people who love your kids so much is a gift and I hate that they will miss out on that. I can't imagine being a jealous fool over something like this said to your kids or using it to cut someone off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom told my kids she loved them more than me and I did not bat an eye. I was not offended at all. I can see she lives rhen differently and unconditionally and I live that for them

Did she tell them this while also telling them that you are a bad daughter who lets her down? I'm guessing no. That's the real issue here.

[Anonymous]

In dysfunctional families, this is known as triangulation. Instead of talking directly to her son, MIL is using your daughter to communicate her negative feelings to your DH. She is also using love as a weapon. I would have a talk with MIL and let her know that her remarks were inappropriate, upset DD and need to stop. That is your job as her mother.

[Anonymous]

A lot of you are reading the headline and not actually reading the OP.

This is not a doting grandma lovingly confessing she loves her grandchildren more than her kids, which on it's own is not a big deal.

This is a grandma trying to drag her granddaughter into a dysfunctional relationship between her grandma and dad, putting down the child's father and using the child as a sounding board (and maybe go between) in an adult relationship. It's really inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of you are reading the headline and not actually reading the OP.

This is not a doting grandma lovingly confessing she loves her grandchildren more than her kids, which on it's own is not a big deal.

This is a grandma trying to drag her granddaughter into a dysfunctional relationship between her grandma and dad, putting down the child's father and using the child as a sounding board (and maybe go between) in an adult relationship. It's really inappropriate.

This isn't for OP to handle. She wants to go behind his back to deal with it. Bad idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom told my kids she loved them more than me and I did not bat an eye. I was not offended at all. I can see she lives rhen differently and unconditionally and I live that for them

While my mom never said that out loud I know she loved my kids so much. She died a few months ago and I was more sad for them than for me knowing what they would be missing out on. Having more people who love your kids so much is a gift and I hate that they will miss out on that. I can't imagine being a jealous fool over something like this said to your kids or using it to cut someone off.

It's the out loud part that is the problem, pp. Your mom had a filter and chose not to hurt your feelings deliberately.