Questions for Working Moms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My youngest went when she was a baby to Boston in a combined work/pleasure trip with in laws, husband and older sibs. I had a two hour meeting in Boston.

She also went to West Coast with the whole family again (not the in-laws that time) for another work/pleasure trip. Again, had a couple of meetings lasting an hour or so.

Then she went with my husband and I to California for an interview dinner, where they were really trying to recruit me. I didn’t go but they were really nice and she was such an easy baby.

Took my older DD (just the two of us, not my husband) on a couple of trips to the West Coast when she was a teen. Now she is grown, but she told me recently she felt really special on those trips. I think it depends what you do, how long meetings (no more than an hour or two) are, is your employer or client family friendly, what are logistics for your child - is it a safe, family friendly area etc.

Now she is taking business trips of her own to CA and feels totally comfortable! It took a long time for me to realize that they learned something from me as a working mom. I spent so much time feeling guilty and they didn’t really mind at all.

Ironically, I don’t travel at all anymore with Zoom etc.

[Anonymous]

I feel like we’ve maybe lost some family-friendly attitudes in the workplace. We’ve gained the ability to work from home and travel less due to zoom, but we’ve lost incorporating family into the workplace. Take your kid to work day etc.

[Anonymous]

I think your wife is just having some anxiety about being away from your kid and this is how she's expressing it. It's not really reasonable and your kid will be better having at home than dragged on a trip. My spouse travels a bit for work but makes a strong effort to be really present and spend lots of time with the kids when he is home. They're quite close.

I'd be firm no on this, it's not what is best for your kid. She'll be anxious but she needs to rip thr bandaid off. It will be better after she does it once and realizes everything was fine.

[Anonymous]

I expected "once in a blue moon" to "never" (as in, maybe travel would be to a super fun family-friendly location that we'd all enjoy and we could make it work), but once it came down to it-- never.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is super unrealistic, and I've never heard of someone taking their kids along for a work trip outside of a brand newborn for a super high powered CEO type (ie, one of the very few people who would need to attend to work travel just a few weeks postpartum) and situations where the work travel is somewhere fun, like New Orleans, and spouse and kids came along and made a vacation out of it (but this is usually older kids).

I agree with previous posters that work travel doesn't sound like a good option for her right now.

Tough as the spouse in this situation, though. She wants what she wants. Has she done a work trip since the kids have been born? I would think if she's a frequent work traveler, that would have happened at least with the oldest (since presumably they're almost two). If so, how did you guys handle it and how did it go? Or is work travel new for her? How frequently is it expected?

You say your job is flexible - do you have regular childcare (daycare or nanny during standard business hours)? If so, that's a good reason to say no, as she's essentially asking you to take vacation days and this may not be a good use of your time off.

Assuming this is new, here's how I would handle as a spouse: Tell her you'll make her a deal. The first trip, she goes solo, the second trip, you will take the kids and go with her. So, you each get a turn to try out your preferred method, and see how it goes.

Then you promise, after trip #2 once you've got some data on how this actually goes, to sit down the two of you and figure out what makes the most sense for your family. How did the two trips go? What was everyone's stress level? How did it impact both of your jobs? How did the kids handle it? What were the benefits and drawbacks? Then you can decide, together, whether the kids should stay home, the kids should go, you should keep a balance (and is that 50/50 or something different) or she changes her job situation for less travel.

The other advantage of this suggestion is that this might just be new mom/new business traveler jitters/guilt, and once she does the first trip, she realizes that it's doable, and that having the kids there would actually have sucked, and she decides she doesn't even want you to bring them on trip #2.

Thank you for this; very thoughtful. I will give it some thought.

Don't follow this advice. This PP and you are trying to be kind. But your wife is clearly highly anxious and maybe a bit depressed because her proposal makes no sense. Nip it in the bud with a firm and absolute no.

[Anonymous]

Part of why this is tough is because toddlers generally really into routines. That's not to say you don't occasionally bust their routine for a good reason but "waiting all day for mom to be finished with her meeting" isn't a good one. And getting a toddler to sleep in a new place is tough. Again worth it for the right trip, but just coming along on a business trip?

She's feeling anxious and guilty about leaving but she really shouldn't be. Kid will be fine at home with dad.

[Anonymous]

What? Why would your child travel with you on a work trip? I waited until my child was a little over a year old and used a work trip as an opportunity to finish weaning her, but I have friends who have traveled when their children were infants and just took the pump and made sure they were able ship milk home on ice or bring the bottles home on the airplane.

[Anonymous]

So it's not eve about breastfeeding it's just that she thinks she'll miss them? That's what FaceTime is for. What a weirdo

[Anonymous]

I never combined my family and work travel.

I had an F500 corporate job where at least every 3 months, sometimes every 2 months, I'd have a 4-5 day trip to a metro area about 5 hours flight away.

Going on one of these trips was how I finally weaned one of my toddlers.

There were no provisions or acceptance for spouses and kids to leverage one's hotel room. And my hours were long during the trip. There were events happening from about 8 AM to 9 PM. My husband asked a few times but I told him there was no safe way to ask for this privilege...I didn't think my coworkers would sympathize and I couldn't even have fun in the "downtime".

I had managers who were older women...one of whom had taken her mother on a business trip or two.

I had a married MBA classmate who got pregnant unexpectedly during her first two years at McKinsey after graduating. She had the baby and flew a nanny with her to engagements on the West Coast. Eventually she relaxed into an HR/recruiting job. I thought she was a very smart person but kind of a flake. But she pulled off early motherhood with one of the highest-paying just out of school gigs.

[Anonymous]

Never!! I prefer my work and home life very separated.

Regarding dhs work travel- I’ve accompanied him occasionally at the end of his trip so we can go on a longer trip, but I was never there interrupting his work trips either.

[Anonymous]

Your wife is being nuts, and I’m assuming you are a two mom family if you are even considering this.

The only person I know who does something like this is a BigLaw partner whose kids are in older elementary. Her husband left private equity to stay home with the kids. They have tons of money. Sometimes they take longer vacations (like 2-4 weeks) and she works from the overseas office of her firm. So, her vacation is more like one week while the husband and kids are out having fun. She ptobably starts late and works mostly east coast hours when they are in Europe to get mornings with them. I don’t think Ive ever asked, but they likely rent an apartment and aren’t cooped up in hotel rooms. They were not doing this with kids under the age of maybe 7.

[Anonymous]

Depends on the job, how easy the kid is. Do it if you can add some family time on the end. And you have to be able to afford it of course. It’s not a bad thing for kids to travel. Why all the negativity here?

[Anonymous]

I’ve never taken my child on a work trip, but I would consider it if the logistics worked out. But my husband hasn’t been interested in coming and my mom doesn’t travel well, so it’s never worked out. I don’t travel for work that much anymore, but the few times that I have traveled, my kid did just fine staying home with dad.

However, I know a couple of folks - in my office and with partner programs - who have brought kids (plus spouse or other family caretakers) on work trips and it seemed to work out alright. I’ve seen it done with infants, toddlers, elementary age and teenagers. But these were trips to interesting locations AND the family members were flexible AND my organization/industry is pretty family friendly. No one really batted an eye about it.

[Anonymous]

I work extra on business trips. I call my kids every night but even if they came with me l wouldn’t have much time to spend with them. And who wants to drag their under 2 year olds and spouse on long drives or airline travel for that? Does she have ppd or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends what the career is. I’m a professor and have brought dh and ds (now almost 2) on several conference and archival research trips. We make a mini trip out of that, but it only works bc dh can work anywhere.

NP. My kids were born when I was a grad student and a post doc, and I took them along to conferences when they were babies/toddlers. A couple of times my mom came along to help watch them.