Questions for Working Moms

[Anonymous]

I would be worried that the kids’ schedules would be disrupted by travel. Different place, different routine, maybe even different time zones. Kids need consistency. Plus, traveling with small children can be a real pain. They need naps and so much stuff, and lots of places aren’t baby-proofed. I just don’t see how it’s worth it. Plus, how will she be able to focus on work if she’s worried about the kids? It can actually be really nice to step away from the kids for a few days, so I’d tell her to go, concentrate on work, and use the downtime to do things she likes to do (read, watch tv, go to the spa, explore the area, etc). She can FaceTime with the kids every evening, then come home refreshed from her trip. The exception might be if work is having her relocate somewhere for several weeks/months; then maybe it’s worth everyone going. But just a few nights? Kids can stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ok, since the answers seem to mostly align, I will add a bit more color. My partner expects that our two under two will travel with her on every work trip because she will otherwise miss them, which means that I would likely have to accompany on most of those trips.

She has not had any work trips so far, but I have been trying to get ahead of the issue and manage expectations, as some might be forthcoming after the holidays. In discussions right now, she is saying that we just have different preferences regarding the reasonableness of work travel with kids and there is no reason why my standard or preference should matter more than hers. No perspective is more valid than the other; they're just different.

Any suggestions on how to approach this? I have no problem at all watching the kids while she is away on work trips, but this solution does not seem to satisfy her so far.

It sounds like a job where she has to travel for work is not a good fit for her. I would encourage and support her in looking for a different job.

And I’ll add…. It wouldn’t be a good fit for me either (I changed careers over this issue), so I totally get it. Her feelings are valid but not realistic for her current job.

[Anonymous]

OP, that’s a weird expectation. It’s a work trip. She’s there to do work. I don’t get it. Are you supposed to take PTO every time she’s on travel? Since her plans require you to travel too, I would say no way, not happening. She’ll miss the kids. I always do. She’ll survive as we all do.

If it were a one-off, like she’s traveling to Orlando, then…maybe? Just maybe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bringing kids and spouse on routine work travel will impact her career negatively. Its not the companies expectation and is not a norm. Travel usually means you need to be present for something in particular. And then if youre busy with that all day, your evenings are for catching up on actual work, or for social networking. Its not for hanging with your family.

This. My spouse used to travel extensively, and kids and I never went along, except one occasion when it was a vacation type of destination and even then we only really hung out with my spouse after the work event was over (and stayed extra days).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, that’s a weird expectation. It’s a work trip. She’s there to do work. I don’t get it. Are you supposed to take PTO every time she’s on travel? Since her plans require you to travel too, I would say no way, not happening. She’ll miss the kids. I always do. She’ll survive as we all do.

If it were a one-off, like she’s traveling to Orlando, then…maybe? Just maybe.

OP here. I have a semi-flexible work situation (work for myself), so it's technically possible, but it would add much more stress and be quite disruptive for me. It just seems like it's asking a lot for maybe an hour or two a day at most of facetime with the kids during work days while on these trips.

[Anonymous]

Have you traveled with small children yet? I'm assuming the answer is no because why would you do that voluntarily?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, that’s a weird expectation. It’s a work trip. She’s there to do work. I don’t get it. Are you supposed to take PTO every time she’s on travel? Since her plans require you to travel too, I would say no way, not happening. She’ll miss the kids. I always do. She’ll survive as we all do.

If it were a one-off, like she’s traveling to Orlando, then…maybe? Just maybe.

OP here. I have a semi-flexible work situation (work for myself), so it's technically possible, but it would add much more stress and be quite disruptive for me. It just seems like it's asking a lot for maybe an hour or two a day at most of facetime with the kids during work days while on these trips.

It's also going to be a lot more stressful for the kids to be taken out of routine and for something that likely boring for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Expected they would never. Never did.

Same here. I didn't take frequent trips, fortunately, but I never wanted to bring them. I went to a bench and bar conference once at a swanky resort (that did not offer child care), and one of the judges repeatedly said I should have brought my kids because they'd have had so much fun. Yeah no. To do that, I'd also have had to bring my spouse to watch them. And he has to work. If you have a nanny or a stay at home spouse it could be feasible; otherwise, nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ok, since the answers seem to mostly align, I will add a bit more color. My partner expects that our two under two will travel with her on every work trip because she will otherwise miss them, which means that I would likely have to accompany on most of those trips.

She has not had any work trips so far, but I have been trying to get ahead of the issue and manage expectations, as some might be forthcoming after the holidays. In discussions right now, she is saying that we just have different preferences regarding the reasonableness of work travel with kids and there is no reason why my standard or preference should matter more than hers. No perspective is more valid than the other; they're just different.

Any suggestions on how to approach this? I have no problem at all watching the kids while she is away on work trips, but this solution does not seem to satisfy her so far.

My relative does that. 2 under 3. Takes them and spouse on work trips. A chance to show the world to the spouse, who was not well travelled before marriage. Is it worth it? Probably. They also have pets that other relatives take care of. A more opportune time won't come for them. Also, they don't have to pay someone to look after the kids either.

The bolded is ridiculous. Of course there is a "reason" that your so-called "preference" matters more than hers on this issue: it is YOUR work, etc. that will need to be uprooted to make this work and it is YOU who will be doing like 95% of the childcare. Your partner sounds ridiculous. You get to the flat-out veto this.

Are you a woman, OP?

[Anonymous]

I did it exactly once over three kids -- it was the first, and my spouse was on parental leave and I was still nursing so it was much easier to bring them, but I admit that it was more stressful for spouse to have a baby in a hotel room and have to amuse them in a strange city.

When I was a teen, I used to sometimes go with my sister and her husband on work trips to watch their kids when they were very little. She and her husband were in the same industry so both had to go to the same conferences. When the kids were a little older, they would just leave them with my parents and me for babysitting.

[Anonymous]

Never

[Anonymous]

I have never heard of anyone routinely bringing their partner or children on a work trip, save for a handful of situations where the trip was somewhere ‘family friendly’ and the rest of the family met the traveler to take a few days of vacation after the work trip.

As a woman, I know I’d be judged for bringing my kids with me and quite frankly would judge anyone else who did this. Very unprofessional.

[Anonymous]

before kindergarten i took my kids on conference type trips but had my mom or SIL join - they liked the time with kids and i liked having my kids around since i worked alot more normally. My DH did not like watching the kids away from home but my mom and sil had fun on the trips. I put the kids in kids clubs where available so mom/sil could take them out when they wanted but didn't have an all day slog. once they were in school it didn't work. Now that the kids are in college i've taken them on a few trips so they can hang at the resort etc.. and its been fun again. Wouldn't bring them on a work trip where i had full day/night obligations

[Anonymous]

I think this is super unrealistic, and I've never heard of someone taking their kids along for a work trip outside of a brand newborn for a super high powered CEO type (ie, one of the very few people who would need to attend to work travel just a few weeks postpartum) and situations where the work travel is somewhere fun, like New Orleans, and spouse and kids came along and made a vacation out of it (but this is usually older kids).

I agree with previous posters that work travel doesn't sound like a good option for her right now.

Tough as the spouse in this situation, though. She wants what she wants. Has she done a work trip since the kids have been born? I would think if she's a frequent work traveler, that would have happened at least with the oldest (since presumably they're almost two). If so, how did you guys handle it and how did it go? Or is work travel new for her? How frequently is it expected?

You say your job is flexible - do you have regular childcare (daycare or nanny during standard business hours)? If so, that's a good reason to say no, as she's essentially asking you to take vacation days and this may not be a good use of your time off.

Assuming this is new, here's how I would handle as a spouse: Tell her you'll make her a deal. The first trip, she goes solo, the second trip, you will take the kids and go with her. So, you each get a turn to try out your preferred method, and see how it goes.

Then you promise, after trip #2 once you've got some data on how this actually goes, to sit down the two of you and figure out what makes the most sense for your family. How did the two trips go? What was everyone's stress level? How did it impact both of your jobs? How did the kids handle it? What were the benefits and drawbacks? Then you can decide, together, whether the kids should stay home, the kids should go, you should keep a balance (and is that 50/50 or something different) or she changes her job situation for less travel.

The other advantage of this suggestion is that this might just be new mom/new business traveler jitters/guilt, and once she does the first trip, she realizes that it's doable, and that having the kids there would actually have sucked, and she decides she doesn't even want you to bring them on trip #2.

[Anonymous]

I can't see this working at all unless the other spouse comes with you.

I don't personally travel that much, but my spouse does. I have never taken my kid along on any trips. My trips are usually to dull places. Kid and I have gone along with spouse on some trips that we could overlap with a vacation (we went along on a trip to Munich). But that's pretty rare.