Questions for Working Moms

[Anonymous]

Your wife is being nuts, and I’m assuming you are a two mom family if you are even considering this.

The only person I know who does something like this is a BigLaw partner whose kids are in older elementary. Her husband left private equity to stay home with the kids. They have tons of money. Sometimes they take longer vacations (like 2-4 weeks) and she works from the overseas office of her firm. So, her vacation is more like one week while the husband and kids are out having fun. She ptobably starts late and works mostly east coast hours when they are in Europe to get mornings with them. I don’t think Ive ever asked, but they likely rent an apartment and aren’t cooped up in hotel rooms. They were not doing this with kids under the age of maybe 7.

[Anonymous]

Depends on the job, how easy the kid is. Do it if you can add some family time on the end. And you have to be able to afford it of course. It’s not a bad thing for kids to travel. Why all the negativity here?

[Anonymous]

I’ve never taken my child on a work trip, but I would consider it if the logistics worked out. But my husband hasn’t been interested in coming and my mom doesn’t travel well, so it’s never worked out. I don’t travel for work that much anymore, but the few times that I have traveled, my kid did just fine staying home with dad.

However, I know a couple of folks - in my office and with partner programs - who have brought kids (plus spouse or other family caretakers) on work trips and it seemed to work out alright. I’ve seen it done with infants, toddlers, elementary age and teenagers. But these were trips to interesting locations AND the family members were flexible AND my organization/industry is pretty family friendly. No one really batted an eye about it.

[Anonymous]

I work extra on business trips. I call my kids every night but even if they came with me l wouldn’t have much time to spend with them. And who wants to drag their under 2 year olds and spouse on long drives or airline travel for that? Does she have ppd or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends what the career is. I’m a professor and have brought dh and ds (now almost 2) on several conference and archival research trips. We make a mini trip out of that, but it only works bc dh can work anywhere.

NP. My kids were born when I was a grad student and a post doc, and I took them along to conferences when they were babies/toddlers. A couple of times my mom came along to help watch them.

[Anonymous]

How long are these trips? I could maaaybe understand if we’re talking 2+ weeks but your standard 2 or 3 day work trip sounds like actual hell. Has your wife been evaluated for ppa or ppd? Because I have an almost 2 yr old, 6 and 8 yr old and i don’t travel often but when I do it’s absolutely glorious to only be in charge of getting myself ready in the morning. Like I feel like I have so much time.

And we just got back from a 6 day west coast trip - ugh so much packing / laundry / plane time with toddler is misery. So much stuff to bring with a toddler (big kids are easy!). I can’t imagine voluntarily doing this unless it was a very long trip to a fun destination.

[Anonymous]

I brought my third child and my mom with me to a conference when she was 3 months old. I would nurse and pump in between sessions.

I also brought my DH and first child on a couple conference trips when I was nursing, maybe 5 months and 10 months.

Other than that, everyone has stayed home. I just didn’t travel much when my second was a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I realize there is no uniform answer here and it can involve a host of variables, but I am trying to get a general gauge.

What was your expectation for how frequently your children under the age of two would travel with you on work trips? Every trip? An occasional/opportunistic trip? Never?

As kids got older than this, did trips away from them get easier? More difficult? Did your expectations regarding the questions above change?

My children always traveled with me when they were under two. I either had a nanny on-site or a family member.

Now that they are older they travel with me on work trips during the summer or that overlap with a school break. In these occasions my husband travels with us and we tack on some family time either leading into my work or after it concludes.

My expectations changed because the children’s needs changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the job, how easy the kid is. Do it if you can add some family time on the end. And you have to be able to afford it of course. It’s not a bad thing for kids to travel. Why all the negativity here?

Family time? The kid is under two, they couldn't care less that they're spending "family time" in another city. Besides, I doubt OP's wife is traveling to thrilling cities that two-year olds are just dying to see.

[Anonymous]

I have, one time, I had to travel to a touristy/beachy destination. Baby was 4 months old, and husband was on paternity leave. My company didnt care how I spend the alloted money on lodging - so we did an airbnb instead of a hotel. It was a cheap flight, they got to spend some time on the beach, and I didnt have to worry about transporting breast milk. I did not spend much time with them as I was there for work. But it was a fun thing for my husband to do while on leave and lodging was covered so it was worthwhile. Have not done it since.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is super unrealistic, and I've never heard of someone taking their kids along for a work trip outside of a brand newborn for a super high powered CEO type (ie, one of the very few people who would need to attend to work travel just a few weeks postpartum) and situations where the work travel is somewhere fun, like New Orleans, and spouse and kids came along and made a vacation out of it (but this is usually older kids).

I agree with previous posters that work travel doesn't sound like a good option for her right now.

Tough as the spouse in this situation, though. She wants what she wants. Has she done a work trip since the kids have been born? I would think if she's a frequent work traveler, that would have happened at least with the oldest (since presumably they're almost two). If so, how did you guys handle it and how did it go? Or is work travel new for her? How frequently is it expected?

You say your job is flexible - do you have regular childcare (daycare or nanny during standard business hours)? If so, that's a good reason to say no, as she's essentially asking you to take vacation days and this may not be a good use of your time off.

Assuming this is new, here's how I would handle as a spouse: Tell her you'll make her a deal. The first trip, she goes solo, the second trip, you will take the kids and go with her. So, you each get a turn to try out your preferred method, and see how it goes.

Then you promise, after trip #2 once you've got some data on how this actually goes, to sit down the two of you and figure out what makes the most sense for your family. How did the two trips go? What was everyone's stress level? How did it impact both of your jobs? How did the kids handle it? What were the benefits and drawbacks? Then you can decide, together, whether the kids should stay home, the kids should go, you should keep a balance (and is that 50/50 or something different) or she changes her job situation for less travel.

The other advantage of this suggestion is that this might just be new mom/new business traveler jitters/guilt, and once she does the first trip, she realizes that it's doable, and that having the kids there would actually have sucked, and she decides she doesn't even want you to bring them on trip #2.

Thank you for this; very thoughtful. I will give it some thought.

Don't follow this advice. This PP and you are trying to be kind. But your wife is clearly highly anxious and maybe a bit depressed because her proposal makes no sense. Nip it in the bud with a firm and absolute no.

I'm the long poster above. While I agree that the proposal makes no sense (and I'm a woman with small kids), that's what the OP's wife wants. In my marriage, when my husband and I have differing opinions about how to handle something related to the kids, "a firm and absolute no" is not how it works. We respect each others' opinions as being equally as valid to our own, and we try to compromise and work through it.

Taking the whole family on regular work trips because otherwise mom would miss them is a bad idea. But treating your marriage and your partner with disrespect is a way worse idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is super unrealistic, and I've never heard of someone taking their kids along for a work trip outside of a brand newborn for a super high powered CEO type (ie, one of the very few people who would need to attend to work travel just a few weeks postpartum) and situations where the work travel is somewhere fun, like New Orleans, and spouse and kids came along and made a vacation out of it (but this is usually older kids).

I agree with previous posters that work travel doesn't sound like a good option for her right now.

Tough as the spouse in this situation, though. She wants what she wants. Has she done a work trip since the kids have been born? I would think if she's a frequent work traveler, that would have happened at least with the oldest (since presumably they're almost two). If so, how did you guys handle it and how did it go? Or is work travel new for her? How frequently is it expected?

You say your job is flexible - do you have regular childcare (daycare or nanny during standard business hours)? If so, that's a good reason to say no, as she's essentially asking you to take vacation days and this may not be a good use of your time off.

Assuming this is new, here's how I would handle as a spouse: Tell her you'll make her a deal. The first trip, she goes solo, the second trip, you will take the kids and go with her. So, you each get a turn to try out your preferred method, and see how it goes.

Then you promise, after trip #2 once you've got some data on how this actually goes, to sit down the two of you and figure out what makes the most sense for your family. How did the two trips go? What was everyone's stress level? How did it impact both of your jobs? How did the kids handle it? What were the benefits and drawbacks? Then you can decide, together, whether the kids should stay home, the kids should go, you should keep a balance (and is that 50/50 or something different) or she changes her job situation for less travel.

The other advantage of this suggestion is that this might just be new mom/new business traveler jitters/guilt, and once she does the first trip, she realizes that it's doable, and that having the kids there would actually have sucked, and she decides she doesn't even want you to bring them on trip #2.

Thank you for this; very thoughtful. I will give it some thought.

Don't follow this advice. This PP and you are trying to be kind. But your wife is clearly highly anxious and maybe a bit depressed because her proposal makes no sense. Nip it in the bud with a firm and absolute no.

I'm the long poster above. While I agree that the proposal makes no sense (and I'm a woman with small kids), that's what the OP's wife wants. In my marriage, when my husband and I have differing opinions about how to handle something related to the kids, "a firm and absolute no" is not how it works. We respect each others' opinions as being equally as valid to our own, and we try to compromise and work through it.

Taking the whole family on regular work trips because otherwise mom would miss them is a bad idea. But treating your marriage and your partner with disrespect is a way worse idea.

Oh stop. An irrational and selfish plan that clearly stems from untreated anxiety is not a valid and worthy of respect, nope. This is a case where tough love is needed.

[Anonymous]

Never?

[Anonymous]

Only for a special occasion, like a milestone birthday in a fun location

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ok, since the answers seem to mostly align, I will add a bit more color. My partner expects that our two under two will travel with her on every work trip because she will otherwise miss them, which means that I would likely have to accompany on most of those trips.

She has not had any work trips so far, but I have been trying to get ahead of the issue and manage expectations, as some might be forthcoming after the holidays. In discussions right now, she is saying that we just have different preferences regarding the reasonableness of work travel with kids and there is no reason why my standard or preference should matter more than hers. No perspective is more valid than the other; they're just different.

Any suggestions on how to approach this? I have no problem at all watching the kids while she is away on work trips, but this solution does not seem to satisfy her so far.

Do you have the vacation days? For our family that would be deciding factor as dh would not be able and wouldn’t want to spend all his annual leave to baby sit kid in a hotel room. If you’re not working, and can afford the extra tickets, then why not join spouse on her work travel?