Questions for Working Moms

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t sound like OPs spouse travels a lot so if this is a one off trip maybe see if there’s a compromise, like her mom comes too and watches kids some of the time. I was really reluctant to travel when my kids were little so I get where she’s coming from but it’s a lot to ask of you. It also really depends on where and what kind of travel it is. Japan for 12 hours work days? No way.

A conference at a family friendly retreat in the US? Could be ok. My husband has voiced that he would like it if we all came along when he has been to conferences at really nice hotels/resorts with beautiful pools but it has never worked out. Neither of us would dream of dragging the kids along on a meeting to a client where he is with them basically all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ok, since the answers seem to mostly align, I will add a bit more color. My partner expects that our two under two will travel with her on every work trip because she will otherwise miss them, which means that I would likely have to accompany on most of those trips.

She has not had any work trips so far, but I have been trying to get ahead of the issue and manage expectations, as some might be forthcoming after the holidays. In discussions right now, she is saying that we just have different preferences regarding the reasonableness of work travel with kids and there is no reason why my standard or preference should matter more than hers. No perspective is more valid than the other; they're just different.

Any suggestions on how to approach this? I have no problem at all watching the kids while she is away on work trips, but this solution does not seem to satisfy her so far.

Her request is not reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did it exactly once over three kids -- it was the first, and my spouse was on parental leave and I was still nursing so it was much easier to bring them, but I admit that it was more stressful for spouse to have a baby in a hotel room and have to amuse them in a strange city.

When I was a teen, I used to sometimes go with my sister and her husband on work trips to watch their kids when they were very little. She and her husband were in the same industry so both had to go to the same conferences. When the kids were a little older, they would just leave them with my parents and me for babysitting.

Back in my single days, my bestie was going to a conference at a family friendly location, and paid for me to join her and her family in exchange for babysitting the kids while they went to a fancy dinner one night. It was a win-win all around, but that was definitely a one-off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you traveled with small children yet? I'm assuming the answer is no because why would you do that voluntarily?

We just recently finished first trips and it was a mixed bag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ok, since the answers seem to mostly align, I will add a bit more color. My partner expects that our two under two will travel with her on every work trip because she will otherwise miss them, which means that I would likely have to accompany on most of those trips.

She has not had any work trips so far, but I have been trying to get ahead of the issue and manage expectations, as some might be forthcoming after the holidays. In discussions right now, she is saying that we just have different preferences regarding the reasonableness of work travel with kids and there is no reason why my standard or preference should matter more than hers. No perspective is more valid than the other; they're just different.

Any suggestions on how to approach this? I have no problem at all watching the kids while she is away on work trips, but this solution does not seem to satisfy her so far.

My relative does that. 2 under 3. Takes them and spouse on work trips. A chance to show the world to the spouse, who was not well travelled before marriage. Is it worth it? Probably. They also have pets that other relatives take care of. A more opportune time won't come for them. Also, they don't have to pay someone to look after the kids either.

The bolded is ridiculous. Of course there is a "reason" that your so-called "preference" matters more than hers on this issue: it is YOUR work, etc. that will need to be uprooted to make this work and it is YOU who will be doing like 95% of the childcare. Your partner sounds ridiculous. You get to the flat-out veto this.

Are you a woman, OP?

No. I realize that I might not fully "get" all that she is feeling right now, but it still feels like a big ask so I'm trying to tread carefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is super unrealistic, and I've never heard of someone taking their kids along for a work trip outside of a brand newborn for a super high powered CEO type (ie, one of the very few people who would need to attend to work travel just a few weeks postpartum) and situations where the work travel is somewhere fun, like New Orleans, and spouse and kids came along and made a vacation out of it (but this is usually older kids).

I agree with previous posters that work travel doesn't sound like a good option for her right now.

Tough as the spouse in this situation, though. She wants what she wants. Has she done a work trip since the kids have been born? I would think if she's a frequent work traveler, that would have happened at least with the oldest (since presumably they're almost two). If so, how did you guys handle it and how did it go? Or is work travel new for her? How frequently is it expected?

You say your job is flexible - do you have regular childcare (daycare or nanny during standard business hours)? If so, that's a good reason to say no, as she's essentially asking you to take vacation days and this may not be a good use of your time off.

Assuming this is new, here's how I would handle as a spouse: Tell her you'll make her a deal. The first trip, she goes solo, the second trip, you will take the kids and go with her. So, you each get a turn to try out your preferred method, and see how it goes.

Then you promise, after trip #2 once you've got some data on how this actually goes, to sit down the two of you and figure out what makes the most sense for your family. How did the two trips go? What was everyone's stress level? How did it impact both of your jobs? How did the kids handle it? What were the benefits and drawbacks? Then you can decide, together, whether the kids should stay home, the kids should go, you should keep a balance (and is that 50/50 or something different) or she changes her job situation for less travel.

The other advantage of this suggestion is that this might just be new mom/new business traveler jitters/guilt, and once she does the first trip, she realizes that it's doable, and that having the kids there would actually have sucked, and she decides she doesn't even want you to bring them on trip #2.

Thank you for this; very thoughtful. I will give it some thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t sound like OPs spouse travels a lot so if this is a one off trip maybe see if there’s a compromise, like her mom comes too and watches kids some of the time. I was really reluctant to travel when my kids were little so I get where she’s coming from but it’s a lot to ask of you. It also really depends on where and what kind of travel it is. Japan for 12 hours work days? No way.

A conference at a family friendly retreat in the US? Could be ok. My husband has voiced that he would like it if we all came along when he has been to conferences at really nice hotels/resorts with beautiful pools but it has never worked out. Neither of us would dream of dragging the kids along on a meeting to a client where he is with them basically all day.

The job is at a professional services firm, so most of the travel would be conferences and/or client service meetings. I guess the volume of travel going forward depends on what she wants to do with her career and how much she can get away with. Between maternity leave and coming out of the early newborn fog, there has not been any work travel this year, but that has not been the normal cadence.

[Anonymous]

On a work trip? Never. My husband could bottle feed while I was gone. I can't imagine anything worse than having a young child with me on a work trip. I wouldn't be able to get anything done!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ok, since the answers seem to mostly align, I will add a bit more color. My partner expects that our two under two will travel with her on every work trip because she will otherwise miss them, which means that I would likely have to accompany on most of those trips.

She has not had any work trips so far, but I have been trying to get ahead of the issue and manage expectations, as some might be forthcoming after the holidays. In discussions right now, she is saying that we just have different preferences regarding the reasonableness of work travel with kids and there is no reason why my standard or preference should matter more than hers. No perspective is more valid than the other; they're just different.

Any suggestions on how to approach this? I have no problem at all watching the kids while she is away on work trips, but this solution does not seem to satisfy her so far.

Do you work? In a million years I would never ask my husband to take time off his job to bring our kids on my work trip where they won't see me much of the day. What does your wife do? This sounds insane to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be worried that the kids’ schedules would be disrupted by travel. Different place, different routine, maybe even different time zones. Kids need consistency. Plus, traveling with small children can be a real pain. They need naps and so much stuff, and lots of places aren’t baby-proofed. I just don’t see how it’s worth it. Plus, how will she be able to focus on work if she’s worried about the kids? It can actually be really nice to step away from the kids for a few days, so I’d tell her to go, concentrate on work, and use the downtime to do things she likes to do (read, watch tv, go to the spa, explore the area, etc). She can FaceTime with the kids every evening, then come home refreshed from her trip. The exception might be if work is having her relocate somewhere for several weeks/months; then maybe it’s worth everyone going. But just a few nights? Kids can stay home.

What kind of work trips do you take?!? Maybe I need to rethink my career, although it's probably a bit late for that at this point.

[Anonymous]

Never. Especially not that little. They actually miss you less when they are that small. It's at 5,6,7 when they are asking for the parent that's not home. And we didn't even FaceTime at 2 and 3 as it would stress the kids out more. I got plenty not pictures of when while away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ok, since the answers seem to mostly align, I will add a bit more color. My partner expects that our two under two will travel with her on every work trip because she will otherwise miss them, which means that I would likely have to accompany on most of those trips.

She has not had any work trips so far, but I have been trying to get ahead of the issue and manage expectations, as some might be forthcoming after the holidays. In discussions right now, she is saying that we just have different preferences regarding the reasonableness of work travel with kids and there is no reason why my standard or preference should matter more than hers. No perspective is more valid than the other; they're just different.

Any suggestions on how to approach this? I have no problem at all watching the kids while she is away on work trips, but this solution does not seem to satisfy her so far.

My relative does that. 2 under 3. Takes them and spouse on work trips. A chance to show the world to the spouse, who was not well travelled before marriage. Is it worth it? Probably. They also have pets that other relatives take care of. A more opportune time won't come for them. Also, they don't have to pay someone to look after the kids either.

The bolded is ridiculous. Of course there is a "reason" that your so-called "preference" matters more than hers on this issue: it is YOUR work, etc. that will need to be uprooted to make this work and it is YOU who will be doing like 95% of the childcare. Your partner sounds ridiculous. You get to the flat-out veto this.

Are you a woman, OP?

No. I realize that I might not fully "get" all that she is feeling right now, but it still feels like a big ask so I'm trying to tread carefully.

I think most of us responding are women and we agree that your wife is out of line with this request.

[Anonymous]

It's a big cost to the family.
Transportation food and lodging for OP and kids. Even in same room, where do the 2 under 2 sleep and play? What do they and OP do all day?

OP work ans stress.

Disruptive for schedules. What if someone gets sick and can't fly home?

For a week maybe depending on where. 2 nights in some random city hotel, get rea.

Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ok, since the answers seem to mostly align, I will add a bit more color. My partner expects that our two under two will travel with her on every work trip because she will otherwise miss them, which means that I would likely have to accompany on most of those trips.

She has not had any work trips so far, but I have been trying to get ahead of the issue and manage expectations, as some might be forthcoming after the holidays. In discussions right now, she is saying that we just have different preferences regarding the reasonableness of work travel with kids and there is no reason why my standard or preference should matter more than hers. No perspective is more valid than the other; they're just different.

Any suggestions on how to approach this? I have no problem at all watching the kids while she is away on work trips, but this solution does not seem to satisfy her so far.

My relative does that. 2 under 3. Takes them and spouse on work trips. A chance to show the world to the spouse, who was not well travelled before marriage. Is it worth it? Probably. They also have pets that other relatives take care of. A more opportune time won't come for them. Also, they don't have to pay someone to look after the kids either.

The bolded is ridiculous. Of course there is a "reason" that your so-called "preference" matters more than hers on this issue: it is YOUR work, etc. that will need to be uprooted to make this work and it is YOU who will be doing like 95% of the childcare. Your partner sounds ridiculous. You get to the flat-out veto this.

Are you a woman, OP?

No. I realize that I might not fully "get" all that she is feeling right now, but it still feels like a big ask so I'm trying to tread carefully.

I think most of us responding are women and we agree that your wife is out of line with this request.

Yeah, OP I think you are being massively more understanding and patient than most would be. Your wife's request is totally unreasonable and, frankly, totally selfish. And what a gaslighting load of nonsense to dismiss your objection as simply having different preferences about work travel. Like, what? That's not why you object and she knows it -- she is demanding that you disrupt your own work, endure the unpleasantness of traveling with small kids, and then do all the parenting of them in an unfamiliar space. I would never be so selfish as to expect that of my spouse. Just support her in finding another job if she is no longer comfortable with work travel (which I totally get!).

[Anonymous]

I think it depends what the career is. I’m a professor and have brought dh and ds (now almost 2) on several conference and archival research trips. We make a mini trip out of that, but it only works bc dh can work anywhere.