Will I regret it if we downsize and I quit my job so I an be a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My oldest is now in high school and I have witnessed many divorces, granted most divorces seem to have working moms. You don’t want to be left with no income.

I think a lot of SAHMs put up with close to untenable relationships because they cannot afford to divorce. You're seeing the divorces in the working moms because they have the resources and chutzpah to call the shots and get what they want out of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM and enjoy every minute of it. However, I would not have stayed home if we could not easily afford to do so. Spouse had to be 100% supportive and want you to stay home with kids.

You should also know that if you stay home, you have more time to spend money. That toddler will want to do music class or tot soccer. Moms will want to go out for coffee and lunch.

I thought I would go back to work when my youngest started elementary. When kids get older, that 1x per week soccer turns into 5-6 days of soccer.

You quit your job so you could drive your kid to soccer?

No, I quit my job to raise my kids. My husband earns a seven figure income so we can easily afford for me to stay home.

You must have younger kids. Whether it is soccer or gymnastics or tennis or basketball, the kids start playing more frequently the better they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My oldest is now in high school and I have witnessed many divorces, granted most divorces seem to have working moms. You don’t want to be left with no income.

I think a lot of SAHMs put up with close to untenable relationships because they cannot afford to divorce. You're seeing the divorces in the working moms because they have the resources and chutzpah to call the shots and get what they want out of life.

Counterpoint: I've had phases where I've been between jobs for a few months. It's been good for my marriage in many ways and we definitely manage to talk more about things other than logistics, which is a huge chunk of conversation when I am working. But this has never been long term for me and I know I have options, so I am probably more the working mom in this scenario than the SAHM. Just saying that not working frees up some space in my head to make my life more pleasant in some ways, including being able to be nicer to my spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM and enjoy every minute of it. However, I would not have stayed home if we could not easily afford to do so. Spouse had to be 100% supportive and want you to stay home with kids.

You should also know that if you stay home, you have more time to spend money. That toddler will want to do music class or tot soccer. Moms will want to go out for coffee and lunch.

I thought I would go back to work when my youngest started elementary. When kids get older, that 1x per week soccer turns into 5-6 days of soccer.

You quit your job so you could drive your kid to soccer?

No, I quit my job to raise my kids. My husband earns a seven figure income so we can easily afford for me to stay home.

You must have younger kids. Whether it is soccer or gymnastics or tennis or basketball, the kids start playing more frequently the better they are.

I am a NP and have older kids. Not all kids end up playing sports intensely. Many don't. Whole big world out there.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't feel comfortable only having one person working unless you have some other savings, income stream. I grew up with a single mother who stayed at home. When my dad left, we went up s&*t's creek. If it weren't for my grandparents, I don't know what we would've done. So... I'm risk averse because of it.

[Anonymous]

I'd never force my 5 year old to move because mommy doesn't want to work anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd never force my 5 year old to move because mommy doesn't want to work anymore.

Troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I wanted to make a plug for taking it down several notches in as many areas of your life that you can but especially with your kids' extracurriculars and school stuff. Your kid is 5.

I read the book "Never Enough" recently and highly recommend it. You're not quite there yet because your kids are so young but you're not far off. It goes into the dangers of pushing your kids, pushing yourself, etc and making everyone miserable and lost in the process. Made a huge impact on me as a parent of slightly older kids.

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/never-enough-jennifer-breheny-wallace/1142779009

+1 to this book recommendation. It should be required reading for everyone on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

No regrets for us. A few things to take into consideration.

- I have a very good marriage. DH is loyal, hard working, will never cheat, will never divorce. We also come from intact marriages. Family (including extended) is very close knit. Kids are everything for us.

- DH made sure that we were heavily insured so if anything happened to him we would have been multi-millionairs and I would never ever have to go back to working, while maintaining a very good lifestyle.

- I am very well educated and qualified and I would have been able to get some white-collar job in a pinch.

- My family and social circle appreciated a SAHM and I did not have to face any kind of negative comments

- I was able to afford cleaning lady, landscaper, kids EC activities, tutors, travelling for competitions and tournaments etc easily and did not feel the pinch of vanished paycheck.

- I don't get FOMO. DH is a devoted dad and likes to spend his time with me and kids.

- I have some money of my own and DH and I will both inherit a modest amount from our parents.

- We do not have pre-nup etc. We both have our names on all assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd never force my 5 year old to move because mommy doesn't want to work anymore.

Troll.

Not a troll, that's exactly what OP wants to do.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]I am hoping for some perspectives from others to help me make the best long term decision.

I have a 5 year old daughter and a 17 month old son. My daughter is in pre-k, and while she doesn't even have homework yet, her activities are already coming with homework! I get about 9000 emails per day from school and activities. I know this is only going to increase, and I WANT to be a supportive parent to my kids. My mom was working and always too tired to be there for me, I always felt like a burden to her.

Between trying to manage home, parenting related things, and my work (which is another source of never ending balls in the air and things I have to take care of RIGHT NOW) I am starting to be very burnt out.

I have no passion for my job, although I hoped to milk it for 5-7 more years for financial reasons.

If we downsize, we can afford for me to SAH now and still have a reasonable financial cushion. We also have funded 529s thanks to an incredible gift from my parents.

I am looking to hear from parents of older kids about where they think their time is most valuably spent as kids get older. I don't want to make a knee-jerk reaction just because i feel burnt out and possibly am not yet good at managing the demands of school/activities. Does it get easier? Just looking for honest accounts. Thank you so much in advance.[/quote]

Ultimately it comes down to what you will regret more - not being with your kids or not having career/large home. I have always been SAHM and now I have to go back to school because my degree is worthless. We will likely never move out of our townhouse since the prices for single family homes are sky high. If I worked 10 years ago, we would have one of those big homes as well… but ultimately, I know I would regret more not being with my kids, so there it is. I wish we still had the 80s where one income was more than enough to have it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd never force my 5 year old to move because mommy doesn't want to work anymore.

Troll.

Not a troll, that's exactly what OP wants to do.

Sure, be snide and unhelpful, then deny it. The OP is looking for advice. You're bored and looking to be an anonymous jerk on a message board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Regrets will kick in IF you try to go back to work at some point. Unless you are willing to restart your career or willing to take on much lower wages

This is true. I had a good job when my oldest was born and wanted to stay home but was really torn about loss of income and what would happen down the road. Ultimately, I quit and never looked back. I enjoyed being with my kids and family life was calm and unhurried. DH was supportive of my choice. We made financial sacrifices (small house, no fancy cars, no fancy trips, no big ticket events, no designer clothes), yet we still were able to have our kids attend excellent public schools, pay for extra curriculars/sports, save for in-state college costs, so we did ok. If we hadn’t been able to do those things, I would have felt pressure to go back sooner. I never regretted that time with them but when I finally decided to go back to work, it was demoralizing. Nobody would hire me except for low paying entry level jobs. I took one thinking I’d pay my dues and move up but it soon became apparent that it was just a dead end and not worth the stress. My message for my own DD will be to stay home if she wants to, but keep her foot in the door by maintaining work connections and taking consulting work here and there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No regrets for us. A few things to take into consideration.

- I have a very good marriage. DH is loyal, hard working, will never cheat, will never divorce. We also come from intact marriages. Family (including extended) is very close knit. Kids are everything for us.

- DH made sure that we were heavily insured so if anything happened to him we would have been multi-millionairs and I would never ever have to go back to working, while maintaining a very good lifestyle.

- I am very well educated and qualified and I would have been able to get some white-collar job in a pinch.

- My family and social circle appreciated a SAHM and I did not have to face any kind of negative comments

- I was able to afford cleaning lady, landscaper, kids EC activities, tutors, travelling for competitions and tournaments etc easily and did not feel the pinch of vanished paycheck.

- I don't get FOMO. DH is a devoted dad and likes to spend his time with me and kids.

- I have some money of my own and DH and I will both inherit a modest amount from our parents.

- We do not have pre-nup etc. We both have our names on all assets.

Honestly I see this type of comment “I would be able to get some sort of white collar job if I needed/wanted” here constantly and it just is not true right now. I know recently employed people with reasonably relevant skills who are struggling to find work. Perhaps that will change again eventually if the job market improves but right now it’s a big gamble. If you were a nurse/teacher/PT that would be different.

I would never tell someone not to SAH, I think I would have really enjoyed it but it’s a gamble unless you have a big nest egg. You absolutely cannot be sure your spouse will never leave you, coming from intact families is not at all a guarantee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No regrets for us. A few things to take into consideration.

- I have a very good marriage. DH is loyal, hard working, will never cheat, will never divorce. We also come from intact marriages. Family (including extended) is very close knit. Kids are everything for us.

- DH made sure that we were heavily insured so if anything happened to him we would have been multi-millionairs and I would never ever have to go back to working, while maintaining a very good lifestyle.

- I am very well educated and qualified and I would have been able to get some white-collar job in a pinch.

- My family and social circle appreciated a SAHM and I did not have to face any kind of negative comments

- I was able to afford cleaning lady, landscaper, kids EC activities, tutors, travelling for competitions and tournaments etc easily and did not feel the pinch of vanished paycheck.

- I don't get FOMO. DH is a devoted dad and likes to spend his time with me and kids.

- I have some money of my own and DH and I will both inherit a modest amount from our parents.

- We do not have pre-nup etc. We both have our names on all assets.

Honestly I see this type of comment “I would be able to get some sort of white collar job if I needed/wanted” here constantly and it just is not true right now. I know recently employed people with reasonably relevant skills who are struggling to find work. Perhaps that will change again eventually if the job market improves but right now it’s a big gamble. If you were a nurse/teacher/PT that would be different.

I would never tell someone not to SAH, I think I would have really enjoyed it but it’s a gamble unless you have a big nest egg. You absolutely cannot be sure your spouse will never leave you, coming from intact families is not at all a guarantee.

Can confirm the job market is horrific at the moment even for employed folks trying to switch jobs. And then add in the dilemma of being a (probably) late 40's, early 50's woman with a resume gap who would seem simultaneously overqualified and underqualified, befuddling the 30 year old person tasked with interviewing her. Not saying people shouldn't SAHM but don't underestimate how hard it can be to get a job you'd be willing to take.