Explain why this is a Boomer thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok sociologists, Explain Boomer Grandparenting to me. What happened in Boomer history that made this a thing?

I am elder millennial former latch key kid. My Boomer parents preached raising an independent kid as their #1 value for parenting.

Fast forward: They have close to zero interest in grand parenting. Ask them to help out in an emergency, Boomer mom pulls out a calendar and say “well, we have Canasta at 3. How about three weeks from now?”

This creator who does Boomer Mom
Videos sums it up perfect. It’s a continuous guilt trip, not wanting to grandparent, and always being too busy. Also lots of double speak that makes you toss up your hands and say “why did I even bother.”

So, what in Boomer history influenced this parenting style?

https://www.tiktok.com/@callmekristenmarie/video/7476110074436472095

It’s not a boomer trait. There are parents/grandparents like that in every generation. Just as there are parents/grandparents that are there for you in an emergency or ones that are overly into their children’s business. It is more personality than generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can relate and do think there is a generation component at play. MIL is exactly like OPs except she expects everyone to drop everything and cater to her or help her when she needs it. Her mother and mother in law spent tons of time watching DH and his sister, hosting all holidays, being the place where they could go on college breaks and her mother gave her financial support to pay for college, buy their first house and pay for weddings as well as financial gifts every year for years. MIL has done none of that and doesn’t see why she should. In her mind her kids should be independent even though she wasn’t. She’s never been interested in her own grandchildren. If anything she is resentful that her adult children will decline her demands because their own children need something. Her kids should be there to help and support her even though she never helped or supported them. My SIL has always been deeply upset by this. My DH has always been annoyed by her but now that our kids in college he has realized how little she did for them compared to what we do for our kids.

I honestly think that if MIL had been born in our time, she wouldn’t have had kids. She never wanted them and always viewed them as a burden doing the barest minimum. Within the boomer population, there are a subset of people who shouldn’t have become parents.

This can be said for all generations.

No not really. You see that a good number of GenX waited to have kids until they really wanted them. For millennials, many waited or aren’t having kids. The boomers had the expectation that they would get married and have kids. They never thought there were other options.

Lots of people have kids on purpose and then suck at being parents. This is true of ALL generations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an early Gen X-er and I have lots of Boomer family members and friends who love to babysit for their grandkids, chauffeur them around, do overnights and vacations. If your parents don't want to babysit for your kids, maybe it's you or your kids. Ask yourself, are you ungrateful and unpleasant and thoughtless? Are your kids brats?

It's a lot easier to place generational blame than employ even a hint of introspection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If grandparents are local, it would be nice if they’d help in an emergency. But the notion that it’s expected for grandparents to provide ANY childcare (non-emergency) is strange to me. My kids have involved grandparents who will help out if they can (but non-local). It’s great, but they offer. We don’t assume.

My grandparents loved us, but virtually never watched us and mainly seemed more interested in talking to my parents. And it was fine! I had a good relationship with them. But the term “grand parenting” was not a thing. The grandkids were not their focus. I see it all the time on DCUM that people expect grandparents to help them parent. Why? If the grandparents want to do it, they’ll offer. But it shouldn’t be an expectation.

That's interesting. I grew up in the midwest as a millennial and my grandparents *very* frequently watched me. Pretty much any time I was sick, occasionally babysitting on Friday/Saturday nights, and about half of the summer.

Same here. My grandfather came over most Saturday nights and stayed with us for up to two weeks while my parents traveled.
My mom does once a week school pickup and takes them overnight a couple times a year. But the attitude is different. She is hyper critical of me and my parenting and if I protest she says "with all the help I give you I can say whatever I want." My grandparents were polite and if they disagreed with something they bit their tongue.

Yes, the attitude and willingness to criticize is wild.

My own grandparents weren't that involved for the most part, only my dad's mom was ever around. But when she was around, she would definitely watch us and help my mom. But I also remember she was just really, really nice and supportive of my mom. She'd say nice things to me about my mom all the time ("you're mom works so hard for you, she's such a good mom") and she's be nice and supportive to her as well, encouraging her to take a break, praising her food, reminding her to prioritize herself and not just her kids. I also don't remember my grandma saying an unkind word about me or my siblings ever. She doted on us and would praise us for being smart and helpful kids.

My parents and MIL are so critical. They never say anything supportive or kind towards me, DH, or the kids. Sometimes my mom will do crafting projects with my kids (she loves crafting) and she'll nitpick every little thing they do and point out all the flaws in anything they make, and then she gets mad when they quit the project or don't want to do it again. My dad will openly complain about aspects of my DD's personality in front of her. And not even negative qualities, just little quirks. My MIL is just really negative in general and says things like "I guess kids are just lazy, your dad was lazy too" if my kids are watching TV.

Yes I could have written this! My grandma was always praising my parents."Your father is such a good provider. Your mother has made such a beautiful home for you. I hope you kids know how lucky you are" and so on.
Whereas my mom "Kids, how come your mom doesn't let you eat Jello? Why doesn't your dad practice (sport) with you more to help you get better? Why don't your parents take you to Disney World?" Just stop!!

And before someone comes at me:
I let them eat whatever at Grandmas. But they usually comment "Mom never lets us have this" and then I get an earful later
He does practice with them, but they aren't natural athletes and it upsets her that they never score a goal for her to post on FB
We don't want to waste money on crowded, overwhelming Disney that our kids wouldn't even enjoy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm old although I'm not a grandma yet, but my sense from some of my friends is that parents today are much more likely to have a "parenting philosophy" and to ask grandparents to watch the kids but: don't feed them this, don't say that, etc. They used to sell those t-shirts that said things like "feed them sugar and send them home" and "just spoiling my grandchildren" and things like that, but I think often parents may have really specific expectations -- no juice, no TV shows, etc. I think particularly as you get older, that's probably difficult -- to get onboard with a 'parenting philosophy' that didn't exist when you were raising kids.

This is an interesting point. It seems that parenting is harder these days and grandparents may be afraid of doing it wrong.

But it shouldn’t be that hard to follow. I don’t see the big deal.

But, I think some flexibility is needed. I didn’t let my kids watch much TV but they watched all day when we visited my dad who laughed and snuggled with them while watching a Sponge Bob SquarePants marathon.

For the most part it’s a cop out to say you don’t want to offend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an early Gen X-er and I have lots of Boomer family members and friends who love to babysit for their grandkids, chauffeur them around, do overnights and vacations. If your parents don't want to babysit for your kids, maybe it's you or your kids. Ask yourself, are you ungrateful and unpleasant and thoughtless? Are your kids brats?

Wow. That’s a really rude thing to say.

[Anonymous]

It's not like this for all boomers. My parents do a ton of childcare willingly, we had a second because they are awesome and helpful. So other friends. My in laws are older so it's harder but they pitch in when we need someone to meet the bus etc etc. But we also spend a lot of time with them, have dinner together, go to shows etc with the grandparents with and without kids. So it's a whole family relationship. They are al up in my business all the time and I let it go because they love my kids and are actively participating in raising them. As did my maternal grandmother for me actually and she was older when my mom had me so it was hard for her but she cooked with me and cleaned and played cards and read to me until I was 10 and moved. it's a family values and traditions thing not a generation thing. Maybe because I'm an immigrant (not born here).

[Anonymous]

Another idiot post attempting to attribute one or two people’s behavior to an entire generation of people (70 million?).

It’s you and your family, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another idiot post attempting to attribute one or two people’s behavior to an entire generation of people (70 million?).

It’s you and your family, OP.

It's not universal, but there's a solid pattern.

And they're probably going to be the same people that cry to the birds at the nursing home that no one will visit them.

That's their choice, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another idiot post attempting to attribute one or two people’s behavior to an entire generation of people (70 million?).

It’s you and your family, OP.

How do you know you’re not the idiot, assuming that the people you know better represent a generation?

Take “boomers” out of the equation. Why are there grandparents today who are much less involved and interested in their grandchildren than their own parents were, regardless of what generation they’re part of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Define “grandparenting”

What do you expect of them.

+1. I think OP is looking for "free labor" whenever it is needed, not bonding between GPs and GKs.

[Anonymous]

It isn't a boomer thing, it's a personality thing.

I will also say from listening to stories my boomer parents have of their own grandparents, the grandparents didn’t "help out" with childrearing. They loved their grandparents and saw them very regularly but grandma was not babysitting so mom could work (and mom didn't work anyway). Relationships were also clearly much more formal.

[Anonymous]

My parents are young boomers and they really struggle with being super critical. They also take any decisions that make that are different than what they chose as criticism.

For instance, my mom was a SAHM and my father was the breadwinner who never did any childcare or cooking. I have a big job and split household duties 50/50 with my DH. My mom routinely tells me that I'm mistreating my kids because I don't stay home and that they wouldn't have problems if I didn't work. She also thinks I mistreat my DH because he cooks and helps with the kids. I got negative comments from her nearly every time we spoke for 10 years before I finally mostly ended contact.

As another instance, my mom didn't like my DD's name because it was the same as a teacher she didn't like in elementary school. I'd never heard that story and had no idea when we picked the name. My mom refused to use the name for the first three years of my DD's life and only called her "Cookie." It was obnoxious.

As another example, I got a PhD in the hard sciences and worked really hard for it. My father tells everyone it's not impressive because I'm not a "real doctor." He even told it to my Nobel Prize winning PhD advisor on my graduation day when my advisor was trying to tell him about my accomplishments.

I could go on, but it's endless. They like my kids, but are so super critical of me we don't see them much anymore. They never did any childcare and were never asked to do so. I do worry that they'll start being just as critical of my kids as they are of me and I know that would really hurt them. So now we just don't see or talk to them.

[Anonymous]

OP, the fact that you were a latchkey kid probably has a lot to do with your grandparents’ lack of interest in grandparenting. My siblings and I were latchkey kids, and my mom has had almost zero interest in spending time with her grandkids. I’m not talking about babysitting, but spending quality time together, like going to the playground or mall. I think that since she didn’t spend quality time with us, it doesn’t come naturally to her to do it with her grandkids. When my mom became a first-time grandmother in her early 60s, she was in good health and had been enjoying a happy retirement for 10 years already. My brother had asked her to watch his baby once a week, and you’d think he had asked her to go to prison. I had assumed that she would have regrets about missing our childhood and would want to make up for it somehow, if not through childcare, then through getting to know her grandkids by spending time together. I’m sure some grandparents would in her situation, but for her, NOPE!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I get the independent thing and how it correlates to only feigning interest in grandchildren. I know my parents really dont give a flying F about my kids. Not because of anything morally wrong, they also feigned interest in me growing up. I always felt like a burden and was to neither to be seen nor heard. No abuse, just didn’t really seem to think I was “enough” and I was a straight A super well behaved kid.

I want to know why this was a parenting style and how/if others are seeing this now in grandparenting? If you were a latch key kid growing up is this something you saw when your parents became grandparents?

I cite the creator because other people seem to experience similar vibe. My parent’s friends are all pretty similar in being grandparents when it’s convenient.

Yes, I had kids late. Infertility is a b-tch

If your grandparents were so great why were you a latch key kid?