Envious of the life my kids are having without me after divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teach your kids how to be financially independent. Stress academics. Thats the lesson learned. Don’t rely on another spouse. You never know what will happen down the road, so get them to focus on a career.

This is a sad message that really shortchanges children. I would say - choose a better spouse.

Both partners in a partnership have to be ready to earn money for the family and weather the economic storms of reality. A better spouse doesn’t prevent layoffs or shutdowns of industry.

[Anonymous]

My first instinct would be to remarry a rich guy who skis.

If you live in a place near skiing, this should be easier!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is like I no longer have my Ferrari, I have to drive a BMW. Hard to feel sorry.

+1. The real answer is for OP to gain perspective so she still understands how great she has it. And then she can see the joy in her own life. Kind of surprised on the reception she’s getting here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can ski and travel again if you want. If you don’t have to worry about your kids’ college tuition and financial security you can find the money. Plenty of people on modest incomes ski and travel.

My family in Sweden (who are not rich-just regular middle class) go cross-country skiiing all the time. It’s their passion.

OP, maybe you can open a couple travel credit cards and use the points for a Sweden trip? Just a thought…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teach your kids how to be financially independent. Stress academics. Thats the lesson learned. Don’t rely on another spouse. You never know what will happen down the road, so get them to focus on a career.

This is a sad message that really shortchanges children. I would say - choose a better spouse.

Rude. My parents are still married in their 80s, but watching our mother put up with our dad's crap inspired both of us DDs to get degrees, stay employed, and not marry guys so alpha that our needs would be subsumed.

We were given everything reasonable in an intact home, but we still got to see the patriarchy in action up close and personal.

Same. My sister and I grew up in the same dynamic and we both have post grad degrees and work full-time as professionals. We were motivated by not becoming our mom.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry for your loss of your old life. Divorce sucks in so many ways. Would it be worth to ask your ex if you could go with the kids to his ski house for a trip at some point? Is your relationship with him acrimonious? Maybe he might say yes?

[Anonymous]

OP, whatever you do don't listen to the advice to open up a bunch of credit cards in order to get "free" points to travel.

That is a ship that has long past sunk. Points are getting harder to use, they are asking ridiculous amounts of points for airfare/hotel room and opening/closing up credit cards do nothing but jack up your credit rating in the long run.

PP had a good idea - ask your ex if it might be possible for you to spend time with the kids in the ski home (when he is not there, of course) and see what he says.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, whatever you do don't listen to the advice to open up a bunch of credit cards in order to get "free" points to travel.

That is a ship that has long past sunk. Points are getting harder to use, they are asking ridiculous amounts of points for airfare/hotel room and opening/closing up credit cards do nothing but jack up your credit rating in the long run.

PP had a good idea - ask your ex if it might be possible for you to spend time with the kids in the ski home (when he is not there, of course) and see what he says.

Ignoring some of the other stuff in this thread, during the negotiations prior to the settlement, occasional time in our ski home with the kids was something that was discussed during mediation, and DH would only agree to it with a lowered equity buyout (arguing that if he rented it out over the years, that would represent the lost income for those times, even though we never rented it).

I loved that house but the memories we had there are just memories now and it would not feel good to be back there. I think anyone going through divorce needs to be thoughtful about cash over memories and sentimentality.

Also the kids say it’s gross now, so no thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. So much. My story is very similar – SAHM and blindsided. I went back to work after many years, but make very little. I'm over 50, so I will never make up for that lost time, salary-wise.

Similarly, XH kept the vacation house and still takes the kids on the same sort of vacations we did as a family. The first vacation he took them on was one we had planned as a family before he walked out. And then he sent me pictures. Lovely. I haven't gone anywhere since he left. I have neither the time nor the money. It's just the way it is.

So many people have it far worse than we do. I get it. It sounds ridiculous to so many. But it was a pretty awful lesson to learn and it hurts.

Gosh, also a SAHM who was blindsided, and my stbx kept the mountain house. (He told me I can use it whenever I want, but that seems too painful still, especially since I know he took his AP there. So all my stuff sits as I left it a year ago, as some kind of weird mausoleum.)

I am very lucky that for all his faults he offered me a lot. I have lifetime alimony and I even get to keep it if I cohabitate with someone some day. But it's a big change to live on a fixed income and I'm adjusting.

OP, travel is very important to me. I would try to still do the things you love, just differently/cheaper. I cut our NYC trip budget by more than half by staying in a motel (and earning points) with free breakfast, got the second cheapest tickets to all of our shows instead of the second most expensive, traveled coach on the train instead of business, etc. My kids just love it when I give a Ted Talk on the all the ways I've "saved" money on the relatively expensive vacation we're still taking, haha. But also, those changes make barely any discernible difference in our overall experience and saved thousands of dollars. That's a good lesson for them.

For his part, stbx has taken the kids skiing out west, to Europe, and to NYC in the year since he left. He's definitely "Disney Dad"ing them out of guilt. He's also a fool who earns a ton of money but hasn't saved for college or retirement. Being away from him and the stress of his idiocy is profoundly healing.

When we went to NYC without him, my 15 year old said, "It's so much less stressful without dad!" And when he took them to Europe, they called me missing me and complaining about how boring it was, ha. We love being together. We watch movies and snuggle when we're together. But they don't miss him when they're not with him. And he's only taken them to the mountains twice in the year since he left me, because he would always go off and entertain himself and the kids and I would have fun doing a puzzle or playing a game. So my absence is felt too heavily, so he avoids it.

I know these are first world problems. I do spend time remembering that I am one of billions of creatures careening through the vast universe on a tiny pebble. Not getting to go to Europe with my kids is a small sacrifice indeed. I am so very blessed. I have my kids, and we are thoroughly bonded, and that's what matters.

And I'm saving towards my own trip to Europe. Because being kind to myself is important too.

I totally get it, OP. It hurts. As a SAHM whose whole life was my family, I felt like I was put on an ice floe and cast off. Like I was kicked out of my own life. But then I got my bearings and realized that my connection with my kids is what's important, not where we vacation or what we spend money on. I don't want them to be rich a-holes so I'm glad that they get to experience having a budget and saving for what you want.

[Anonymous]

16:11, I’m amazed by the similarities. Cast out an an ice floe is the feeling for sure. My DH was an absolute moron about retirement and college savings and believed that college should be done via cash flow and retirement was going to happen via the promotion he got after he ditched me. I hope he is using that for his retirement. I did get the 529 and more locked down. I have retirement for me that is slowly growing from my long-ago career and I take my alimony and sock away everything possible plus what I got from our settlement. He is making a fortune and he’ll probably squander it on god knows what.

The funny thing is that the kids say they knew something was up the winter before he filed. They said he wouldn’t play board games with them anymore at the ski house and was always just watching shows or sitting around. I think he just lost the energy for family. They don’t go up there much either because I was the one that got everybody out the door. It sounds like he doesn’t have the energy to coax everyone up and make breakfast and get gear on before lunch rolls around, which is depressing to hear.

I left some of my stuff too. It felt tainted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teach your kids how to be financially independent. Stress academics. Thats the lesson learned. Don’t rely on another spouse. You never know what will happen down the road, so get them to focus on a career.

That’s the tragedy. I had a great career and was independent and arguably more successful than DH for a while. But he got a nibble at something that was unique and asked for a turn: just 18 months of going hard at it and my turn would be next. We had been supporting each other mutually for several years so I trusted him.

18 months became “just 6 more months”, then stuff like saying he had left the office but 2 hours later and he wasn’t home yet, then last minute trips that conflicted with mine.

We were a team until we weren’t. My career got back burnered until it went cold. I don’t know how I could have changed that save for never meeting him.

I’m still figuring what my advice for my DDs will be. I have a had time right now suggesting they marry. I do think a portable, non-expiring credential (MD, JD, RN, DDS, DVM, etc) is very important for women.

Ok, let’s not act like you made a totally irrational decision. In a LOT of circumstances it makes sense for just one partner to focus on their career, and for a lot of women it works out fine. Trusting your spouse who made a vow to you should not be a risk, but we know the world is not perfect. Women like OP should not beat themselves up. I will encourage my daughter to focus on her career but if it makes sense for her family to pull back, she may do what a lot of women do and pull back.

[Anonymous]

I don't know anything about the law so I'm probably going to get shot down for sounding ridiculous, but ... I'm surprised you're not entitled to better earnings and can't argue that he owes you more if he filed the year he got a huge pay bump. I wonder if there's a way to argue in court that that's gaming the system and that you should be entitled to more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The arc of post-divorce life is long but it bends toward justice.

In my own family, at the time of divorce 13 years ago, my father seemed to be completely at fault and my mother the victim.

It took 6 or 8 years for dawn to break, but now we children see that my father, for all his faults, did not hold nearly so much blame as we thought. And he is now far closer to his children than my mother, who ended up more well off, but bitter and distant.

But skiing with the kids is fun. No doubt about it. This might sound lame, but it's not: where I live we can ski cross country on publicly maintained trails for free, and we have a blast doing it. Buying lift tickets for my family of 7 would be out of the question, but we love cross country.

Judging by how nasty you sound, your dad probably is that bad and raised someone incredibly obnoxious and empathy-less. In fact, I don't think you're the child of the divorced parents and I believe you're trolling as a dad who abandoned his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH divorced me in a nasty, surprise way. I was a SAHM who helped him build a career that is now taking off. When we were all a family, we took fun vacations together and skiied 20+ days in the winter (we don’t live in the dmv anymore) and had a ski house that DH was able to afford to keep.

I have a few years of spousal support and some retirement and but am living very lean because it is a struggle for me to find anything close to my old career and I don’t know how long I can stretch my half of our assets. DH is making 10x my old salary or more and I’m grateful that our kids can continue to live our old lifestyle when they’re with him. I am really grateful to have a settlement that makes sure my kids are set and will not have to worry about their future- it was worth some tradeoffs I had to make for my own.

But the other day one of my kids said, mommy, I’m sad that you don’t get to ski or go to [x country] with us anymore. I brushed it off and said how much I love doing all the new things we do together.

But I am sad and miss those old things too. I’ll never be able to afford to ski again- my gear was breaking down when the divorce had happened and we were supposed to replace it that season, and lift tickets and lodging are now out of the question. The vacations to [x country] were facilitated by DH’s work travel that my flexibility enabled and the miles and points he accumulated.

This is just a vent. I feel like I’m pressing my face up against the glass of my old life. I don’t blame my kids one bit but I miss the family times I thought we’d have together.

You are delusional in thinking you have much responsibility for his success.

You picked well for a breadwinner but bad for a husband, but at least you lived a decade or so of a live that most of us never have.

So if you were so pivotal to his success, apply it to yourself and level up your income.

Not delusional at all to think a supportive spouse can make a positive difference in their partner’s career trajectory:

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/for-couples-success-at-work-is-affected-by-partner-s-personality/

Conscientiousness seems to be the primary trait creating this positive influence. OP now needs to apply that extra positive energy to herself.

Oh for sure. Having seen it up front, the stay and home wife and mom enables the career. Not only by taking care of every facet of home life and children but also by facilitating the schmoozing and socializing. The man in this position gets everything done for him (children raised, chores done, social life arranged) and literally has to do nothing but roll out of bed and go to work, and can put 100% of his energy into the job. In most cases the wife of a BigLaw parter or hedge fund bro deserves every penny she gets.

Yep. When I was younger (like, I'm talking elementary and middle school aged) I always thought child support payments were unfair, until I was able to gain some empathy and perspective and realize just what an important role the wife plays in maintaining the household.

[Anonymous]

That moment when you read someone’s sad post and you are selfishly happy your ex is an SOB who barely takes his kid anywhere, basically lives in a bachelor pad and is not the one to make memories with their own kid. Ha!