Envious of the life my kids are having without me after divorce

[Anonymous]

My DH divorced me in a nasty, surprise way. I was a SAHM who helped him build a career that is now taking off. When we were all a family, we took fun vacations together and skiied 20+ days in the winter (we don’t live in the dmv anymore) and had a ski house that DH was able to afford to keep.

I have a few years of spousal support and some retirement and but am living very lean because it is a struggle for me to find anything close to my old career and I don’t know how long I can stretch my half of our assets. DH is making 10x my old salary or more and I’m grateful that our kids can continue to live our old lifestyle when they’re with him. I am really grateful to have a settlement that makes sure my kids are set and will not have to worry about their future- it was worth some tradeoffs I had to make for my own.

But the other day one of my kids said, mommy, I’m sad that you don’t get to ski or go to [x country] with us anymore. I brushed it off and said how much I love doing all the new things we do together.

But I am sad and miss those old things too. I’ll never be able to afford to ski again- my gear was breaking down when the divorce had happened and we were supposed to replace it that season, and lift tickets and lodging are now out of the question. The vacations to [x country] were facilitated by DH’s work travel that my flexibility enabled and the miles and points he accumulated.

This is just a vent. I feel like I’m pressing my face up against the glass of my old life. I don’t blame my kids one bit but I miss the family times I thought we’d have together.

[Anonymous]

The arc of post-divorce life is long but it bends toward justice.

In my own family, at the time of divorce 13 years ago, my father seemed to be completely at fault and my mother the victim.

It took 6 or 8 years for dawn to break, but now we children see that my father, for all his faults, did not hold nearly so much blame as we thought. And he is now far closer to his children than my mother, who ended up more well off, but bitter and distant.

But skiing with the kids is fun. No doubt about it. This might sound lame, but it's not: where I live we can ski cross country on publicly maintained trails for free, and we have a blast doing it. Buying lift tickets for my family of 7 would be out of the question, but we love cross country.

[Anonymous]

You had a great life. The one you have now is good too. Get some prospective.
Mine put me in debt and beat me up. I also lost our kid for a month. Then he lost the kid. Courts are crazy.
I got my kid back, paid off the debt, and became financially free. I'm good with money.
We all do different hings with the child including extended family. I don't ask what they do or get involved. It's their thing. I have my own life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The arc of post-divorce life is long but it bends toward justice.

In my own family, at the time of divorce 13 years ago, my father seemed to be completely at fault and my mother the victim.

It took 6 or 8 years for dawn to break, but now we children see that my father, for all his faults, did not hold nearly so much blame as we thought. And he is now far closer to his children than my mother, who ended up more well off, but bitter and distant.

But skiing with the kids is fun. No doubt about it. This might sound lame, but it's not: where I live we can ski cross country on publicly maintained trails for free, and we have a blast doing it. Buying lift tickets for my family of 7 would be out of the question, but we love cross country.

Ouch, OP here. You hit a nerve there. The only easy to access nordic trails near us go basically out the back door of the ski house that DH now owns. It was my joy and something DH never wanted to do but something I always did with one of my kids as our special thing. The next closest trails are quite far away and require an overnight stay and lodging.

But I agree that in general nordic is super fun so if anyone here is randomly reading it and has access but hasn’t tried it, I hope you will for my sake. When nordic loving child is older we’ve talked about saving up for a trip but that’s not in my budget for a few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The arc of post-divorce life is long but it bends toward justice.

In my own family, at the time of divorce 13 years ago, my father seemed to be completely at fault and my mother the victim.

It took 6 or 8 years for dawn to break, but now we children see that my father, for all his faults, did not hold nearly so much blame as we thought. And he is now far closer to his children than my mother, who ended up more well off, but bitter and distant.

But skiing with the kids is fun. No doubt about it. This might sound lame, but it's not: where I live we can ski cross country on publicly maintained trails for free, and we have a blast doing it. Buying lift tickets for my family of 7 would be out of the question, but we love cross country.

Ouch, OP here. You hit a nerve there. The only easy to access nordic trails near us go basically out the back door of the ski house that DH now owns. It was my joy and something DH never wanted to do but something I always did with one of my kids as our special thing. The next closest trails are quite far away and require an overnight stay and lodging.

But I agree that in general nordic is super fun so if anyone here is randomly reading it and has access but hasn’t tried it, I hope you will for my sake. When nordic loving child is older we’ve talked about saving up for a trip but that’s not in my budget for a few years.

Oof, I'm sorry. I didn't know, of course.
I wonder if the principle can be applied in some other way. Some other close-to-home sport or hobby.

[Anonymous]

You can still have that life or a semblance of that life but you need to be creative and take initiative. Travel was also a huge part of my marital life. After the divorce I researched ways I could keep traveling. I learned how to game the credit cart points and miles options. Open a credit cart, get the bonus, close it a year later, open another credit cart, rinse and repeat. I travel all the time and pay nothing but taxes for airfare and nothing at all for hotels. I’ve probably spent an average of 50-60 nights in hotels in the past few years. All free. It took me awhile to perfect, and I do have to maintain a spreadsheet and actively think about what expense is best on what credit card. But totally worth it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You had a great life. The one you have now is good too. Get some prospective.
Mine put me in debt and beat me up. I also lost our kid for a month. Then he lost the kid. Courts are crazy.
I got my kid back, paid off the debt, and became financially free. I'm good with money.
We all do different hings with the child including extended family. I don't ask what they do or get involved. It's their thing. I have my own life.

OP here and I’m sorry you were hit. That is a disgusting way for someone to treat anyone especially the mother of their children. You lived through a nightmare and I am glad you survived. I agree that courts are crazy and I see the law differently now.

I don’t ask questions. But my kids are talkers and I never want them to feel like they have to edit themselves to protect my feelings. Sometimes after bedtime I sit with everything they’ve told me and it’s a lot to hold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The arc of post-divorce life is long but it bends toward justice.

In my own family, at the time of divorce 13 years ago, my father seemed to be completely at fault and my mother the victim.

It took 6 or 8 years for dawn to break, but now we children see that my father, for all his faults, did not hold nearly so much blame as we thought. And he is now far closer to his children than my mother, who ended up more well off, but bitter and distant.

But skiing with the kids is fun. No doubt about it. This might sound lame, but it's not: where I live we can ski cross country on publicly maintained trails for free, and we have a blast doing it. Buying lift tickets for my family of 7 would be out of the question, but we love cross country.

Ouch, OP here. You hit a nerve there. The only easy to access nordic trails near us go basically out the back door of the ski house that DH now owns. It was my joy and something DH never wanted to do but something I always did with one of my kids as our special thing. The next closest trails are quite far away and require an overnight stay and lodging.

But I agree that in general nordic is super fun so if anyone here is randomly reading it and has access but hasn’t tried it, I hope you will for my sake. When nordic loving child is older we’ve talked about saving up for a trip but that’s not in my budget for a few years.

Oof, I'm sorry. I didn't know, of course.
I wonder if the principle can be applied in some other way. Some other close-to-home sport or hobby.

We still swim a lot in the summer when we can. It’s just different because they tend to peel off with their friends rather than us sticking together as a family. But it’s something.

[Anonymous]

OP, aren't you getting child and spousal support in addition to half of your marital property? I am mad for you as I read your story. Also, sorry about missing out on the skiing; that would crush me, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, aren't you getting child and spousal support in addition to half of your marital property? I am mad for you as I read your story. Also, sorry about missing out on the skiing; that would crush me, too.

Spousal support for a few years but I have been out of the job market for a very long time so I am living very conservatively because I am not sure if I will have a true career in the future vs the low paying jobs I’m stringing together right now.

Our assets were relatively low compared to DH’s comp at the time of his filing. He had a big promotion the year he filed and another one last year. I do not benefit from that one or anything else that is happening with his now very lucrative career, which of course wouldn’t have been possible if he hadn’t been able to work and travel whenever needed because I was holding down the fort.

I am getting plenty of child support for the kids so they can have what they need. I am not going to take that for myself.

[Anonymous]

It is very unfair OP. The unpaid labor of the SAHP leads to career opportunities for the other partner without an even split of the benefits. Sending you support.

I hope you can find some joyful things to do on your own.

[Anonymous]

I feel you, OP. I’m I’m in a very similar situation and it stings. Especially now that ex has a new girlfriend with an established career in the one that I am trying to relaunch in a new town.

I keep telling myself that I’m better for it and in a few years I’ll be able to travel again.

I do miss the family vacations and memory-making.

[Anonymous]

You can ski and travel again if you want. If you don’t have to worry about your kids’ college tuition and financial security you can find the money. Plenty of people on modest incomes ski and travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, aren't you getting child and spousal support in addition to half of your marital property? I am mad for you as I read your story. Also, sorry about missing out on the skiing; that would crush me, too.

Spousal support for a few years but I have been out of the job market for a very long time so I am living very conservatively because I am not sure if I will have a true career in the future vs the low paying jobs I’m stringing together right now.

Our assets were relatively low compared to DH’s comp at the time of his filing. He had a big promotion the year he filed and another one last year. I do not benefit from that one or anything else that is happening with his now very lucrative career, which of course wouldn’t have been possible if he hadn’t been able to work and travel whenever needed because I was holding down the fort.

I am getting plenty of child support for the kids so they can have what they need. I am not going to take that for myself.

You can use child support to go on a weekend trip with your kids. Truly.

[Anonymous]

This is so hard, OP. One thing I will say is that kids just like spending time together and shared interests. Maybe find something on a smaller scale that is still really fun to do that you can all do together. Maybe an eccentric hobby or something. Or something simple like kayaking. It sucks that you were the backbone to his career and now you can’t benefit from it. You never know though what life has in store! Maybe you’ll start dating someone wealthy !