Envious of the life my kids are having without me after divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teach your kids how to be financially independent. Stress academics. Thats the lesson learned. Don’t rely on another spouse. You never know what will happen down the road, so get them to focus on a career.

That’s the tragedy. I had a great career and was independent and arguably more successful than DH for a while. But he got a nibble at something that was unique and asked for a turn: just 18 months of going hard at it and my turn would be next. We had been supporting each other mutually for several years so I trusted him.

18 months became “just 6 more months”, then stuff like saying he had left the office but 2 hours later and he wasn’t home yet, then last minute trips that conflicted with mine.

We were a team until we weren’t. My career got back burnered until it went cold. I don’t know how I could have changed that save for never meeting him.

I’m still figuring what my advice for my DDs will be. I have a had time right now suggesting they marry. I do think a portable, non-expiring credential (MD, JD, RN, DDS, DVM, etc) is very important for women.

Ok, let’s not act like you made a totally irrational decision. In a LOT of circumstances it makes sense for just one partner to focus on their career, and for a lot of women it works out fine. Trusting your spouse who made a vow to you should not be a risk, but we know the world is not perfect. Women like OP should not beat themselves up. I will encourage my daughter to focus on her career but if it makes sense for her family to pull back, she may do what a lot of women do and pull back.

[Anonymous]

I don't know anything about the law so I'm probably going to get shot down for sounding ridiculous, but ... I'm surprised you're not entitled to better earnings and can't argue that he owes you more if he filed the year he got a huge pay bump. I wonder if there's a way to argue in court that that's gaming the system and that you should be entitled to more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The arc of post-divorce life is long but it bends toward justice.

In my own family, at the time of divorce 13 years ago, my father seemed to be completely at fault and my mother the victim.

It took 6 or 8 years for dawn to break, but now we children see that my father, for all his faults, did not hold nearly so much blame as we thought. And he is now far closer to his children than my mother, who ended up more well off, but bitter and distant.

But skiing with the kids is fun. No doubt about it. This might sound lame, but it's not: where I live we can ski cross country on publicly maintained trails for free, and we have a blast doing it. Buying lift tickets for my family of 7 would be out of the question, but we love cross country.

Judging by how nasty you sound, your dad probably is that bad and raised someone incredibly obnoxious and empathy-less. In fact, I don't think you're the child of the divorced parents and I believe you're trolling as a dad who abandoned his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH divorced me in a nasty, surprise way. I was a SAHM who helped him build a career that is now taking off. When we were all a family, we took fun vacations together and skiied 20+ days in the winter (we don’t live in the dmv anymore) and had a ski house that DH was able to afford to keep.

I have a few years of spousal support and some retirement and but am living very lean because it is a struggle for me to find anything close to my old career and I don’t know how long I can stretch my half of our assets. DH is making 10x my old salary or more and I’m grateful that our kids can continue to live our old lifestyle when they’re with him. I am really grateful to have a settlement that makes sure my kids are set and will not have to worry about their future- it was worth some tradeoffs I had to make for my own.

But the other day one of my kids said, mommy, I’m sad that you don’t get to ski or go to [x country] with us anymore. I brushed it off and said how much I love doing all the new things we do together.

But I am sad and miss those old things too. I’ll never be able to afford to ski again- my gear was breaking down when the divorce had happened and we were supposed to replace it that season, and lift tickets and lodging are now out of the question. The vacations to [x country] were facilitated by DH’s work travel that my flexibility enabled and the miles and points he accumulated.

This is just a vent. I feel like I’m pressing my face up against the glass of my old life. I don’t blame my kids one bit but I miss the family times I thought we’d have together.

You are delusional in thinking you have much responsibility for his success.

You picked well for a breadwinner but bad for a husband, but at least you lived a decade or so of a live that most of us never have.

So if you were so pivotal to his success, apply it to yourself and level up your income.

Not delusional at all to think a supportive spouse can make a positive difference in their partner’s career trajectory:

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/for-couples-success-at-work-is-affected-by-partner-s-personality/

Conscientiousness seems to be the primary trait creating this positive influence. OP now needs to apply that extra positive energy to herself.

Oh for sure. Having seen it up front, the stay and home wife and mom enables the career. Not only by taking care of every facet of home life and children but also by facilitating the schmoozing and socializing. The man in this position gets everything done for him (children raised, chores done, social life arranged) and literally has to do nothing but roll out of bed and go to work, and can put 100% of his energy into the job. In most cases the wife of a BigLaw parter or hedge fund bro deserves every penny she gets.

Yep. When I was younger (like, I'm talking elementary and middle school aged) I always thought child support payments were unfair, until I was able to gain some empathy and perspective and realize just what an important role the wife plays in maintaining the household.

[Anonymous]

That moment when you read someone’s sad post and you are selfishly happy your ex is an SOB who barely takes his kid anywhere, basically lives in a bachelor pad and is not the one to make memories with their own kid. Ha!

[Anonymous]

You should’ve had a better lawyer during the divorce negotiations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should’ve had a better lawyer during the divorce negotiations.

I'm curious about this now. Like if the concessions she said she had to make (ensuring her childrens' future) were necessary.

[Anonymous]

OP, how much is your income, child support and allimony? What else does he pay for for the kids? You act like you are in poverty but has three incomes so you easily could be bringing in $150-200K or more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can still have that life or a semblance of that life but you need to be creative and take initiative. Travel was also a huge part of my marital life. After the divorce I researched ways I could keep traveling. I learned how to game the credit cart points and miles options. Open a credit cart, get the bonus, close it a year later, open another credit cart, rinse and repeat. I travel all the time and pay nothing but taxes for airfare and nothing at all for hotels. I’ve probably spent an average of 50-60 nights in hotels in the past few years. All free. It took me awhile to perfect, and I do have to maintain a spreadsheet and actively think about what expense is best on what credit card. But totally worth it!

Unfortunately Op needs to prioritize retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how much is your income, child support and allimony? What else does he pay for for the kids? You act like you are in poverty but has three incomes so you easily could be bringing in $150-200K or more.

It's understandably an adjustment going from UMC to mere MC. And difficult to rebuilt a career after dipping out of the workforce a decade+ ago. It's OK to vent and moan about the unfairness of it all, but ultimately OP is likely still living better than many, many Americans. Things could be far worse than missing a vacation home. If the issue is truly access to skiing, there are multiple suggestions posted in this thread to still make it happen within her current means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should’ve had a better lawyer during the divorce negotiations.

As someone going through it now, and want to keep it out of court, how do you force someone to agree to something they don’t want? Court doesn’t care about his bad behavior or cruelty and it won’t move the needle for alimony or division of assets. So, at some point, he can just say “you want too much” and stop negotiating, knowing he will get a better deal from a judge. How does a better lawyer change that? Honest, genuine question.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, similar situation. Was a SAHM for many years which provided exH with career support and ability to take on new ventures. I am holding my own and working but he takes international vacations all the time with his new girlfriend who is 10 years younger than me and barely works. He never traveled with me because we were building wealth.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. You didn’t say much about your relationship with your ex now, whether it’s amicable or not, but maybe it would be possible to negotiate some time at his ski home if it wouldn’t be too painful to visit it now. Presumably your ex doesn’t appreciate Nordic skiing but might see value in the kids being good at it and therefore might see the benefit. Maybe he would even cover plane tickets for the kids. Skiing is all about cramming as many ski days as possible into a short season and he may not be able to take enough time off.

If this would be very uncomfortable then maybe there’s a more local/accessible place you can go with the kids, like WV or PA, VT etc.

[Anonymous]

OP, Now is the time to get on EBAY and buy some used ski equipment. I get lots of great deals there and you can too! You do not need to pay even close to retail.

[Anonymous]

So let’s sum this up: OP is sad about the divorce and jealous of her kids and it’s all because she can’t go skiiing anymore?