Envious of the life my kids are having without me after divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so hard, OP. One thing I will say is that kids just like spending time together and shared interests. Maybe find something on a smaller scale that is still really fun to do that you can all do together. Maybe an eccentric hobby or something. Or something simple like kayaking. It sucks that you were the backbone to his career and now you can’t benefit from it. You never know though what life has in store! Maybe you’ll start dating someone wealthy !

Thanks. It’s so hard. I’m doing the daily grind and get the kids when they’re exhausted or have homework or need to be woken up for school. And then he shows up for weekends or weeks off and gets what feels like the best sides of them. I know in the long run I’m getting the everyday moments that are real life and the actual best part, but when I’m begging someone to get out of bed or get their shoes on so they can get to school and I’m not late to work and the hardest thing he does on his time is ask if they want steak or pizza…ugh.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this. May I ask how old your kids are? I know you’re feeling left behind but you’re not because you’re there for your kids. It takes time to adjust.

And it’s good that you are aware of all the benefits your kids have. There are many out there in worse situations. But that doesn’t mean your pain isn’t real. I’m sorry for your heartache.

[Anonymous]

Teach your kids how to be financially independent. Stress academics. Thats the lesson learned. Don’t rely on another spouse. You never know what will happen down the road, so get them to focus on a career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this. May I ask how old your kids are? I know you’re feeling left behind but you’re not because you’re there for your kids. It takes time to adjust.

And it’s good that you are aware of all the benefits your kids have. There are many out there in worse situations. But that doesn’t mean your pain isn’t real. I’m sorry for your heartache.

Between 4th and 7th grade. Little enough to really need parents and not have a lot of say in arrangements. Old enough to be really angry. Young enough to be enticed by shiny fun things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teach your kids how to be financially independent. Stress academics. Thats the lesson learned. Don’t rely on another spouse. You never know what will happen down the road, so get them to focus on a career.

That’s the tragedy. I had a great career and was independent and arguably more successful than DH for a while. But he got a nibble at something that was unique and asked for a turn: just 18 months of going hard at it and my turn would be next. We had been supporting each other mutually for several years so I trusted him.

18 months became “just 6 more months”, then stuff like saying he had left the office but 2 hours later and he wasn’t home yet, then last minute trips that conflicted with mine.

We were a team until we weren’t. My career got back burnered until it went cold. I don’t know how I could have changed that save for never meeting him.

I’m still figuring what my advice for my DDs will be. I have a had time right now suggesting they marry. I do think a portable, non-expiring credential (MD, JD, RN, DDS, DVM, etc) is very important for women.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. That's sucks. I wish your ex would allow you to use the vacation home with your kids. It's not fair or nice. I've worked really hard to remain on good terms with my ex.
I was a little bitter when I watched his dog and he took the kids on a very fancy vacation I could no longer afford. I wish you better days ahead.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, being non-rich among rich people really burns. I am just at middle class (barely) and if I were surrounded by people in the same place I am, I'd be perfectly content. But everyone around me has fancy jobs I can't get, or family money I don't have, and they are all doing things and going places I can't. It hurts, OP.

Maybe you can go skiing the middle class way - in New England renting supplies for the day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. That's sucks. I wish your ex would allow you to use the vacation home with your kids. It's not fair or nice. I've worked really hard to remain on good terms with my ex.
I was a little bitter when I watched his dog and he took the kids on a very fancy vacation I could no longer afford. I wish you better days ahead.

I considered negotiating for that but desperately needed every last dime for a future down payment in our very HCOL area, and even then we ended up an hour away from my kids’ friends in a so-so area because everything had changed so much since we bought.

I did get the dog, though.

If I were in your shoes I don’t know if I could have dogsit but I’m sure you were doing it for your kids, and I have a ton of respect for that.

[Anonymous]

That really, really sucks op I’m so sorry! I’m also not sure what the first pp was going for as that seemed really related to their experience and no way to know if it was actually similar to yours but particularly harsh potentially. You don’t sound at all like a distant mom. I think it’s totally normal to mourn losing access to those things you enjoyed that added joy to your life and active things you got to do with your kids. Ok to feel that and then keep building the best life you can for yourself and your kids. Let it pass over you - remember the feelings are a tunnel not a cave you can’t get out of. But a tunnel you’ll go through. Temporary. Normal.

[Anonymous]

So I’m not even a skiier and married to a very high earner.

My friend is divorced and loves to ski. She goes on day ski trips and rents skis. You can also buy yourself skis, maybe used ones.

[Anonymous]

This is like I no longer have my Ferrari, I have to drive a BMW. Hard to feel sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I’m not even a skiier and married to a very high earner.

My friend is divorced and loves to ski. She goes on day ski trips and rents skis. You can also buy yourself skis, maybe used ones.

I hear you. We live far enough that a day trip isn’t quite feasible and would require a place to stay. I could use my old gear and it would be fine. I would maybe buy demos one day but they are not in my budget right now until I can find a real job and not these strung together things. It might be easier once I have most of my kids old enough to safely ride the public bus or to drive (car negotiated into settlement) and then I can pick up more hours or pursue something that demands more flexibility. It’s just going to be very tight for a few years and it’s the few years that the kids are amenable to doing stuff together.

I hope I can get to a place where I am healthy and uninjured and they’re in their 20s and I am ok financially and we can do these things together again one day. I need better healthcare for that!

[Anonymous]

Maybe Amtrak to Vermont?

Ski swap season is starting.

[Anonymous]

If you're living in Virginia, you can go back to court now that his income has changed and get more money. When he remarries or moves in with someone, their joint income will be higher and trigger your ability to get more as a result. The child support should certainly increase with his salary in almost any state.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. So much. My story is very similar – SAHM and blindsided. I went back to work after many years, but make very little. I'm over 50, so I will never make up for that lost time, salary-wise.

Similarly, XH kept the vacation house and still takes the kids on the same sort of vacations we did as a family. The first vacation he took them on was one we had planned as a family before he walked out. And then he sent me pictures. Lovely. I haven't gone anywhere since he left. I have neither the time nor the money. It's just the way it is.

So many people have it far worse than we do. I get it. It sounds ridiculous to so many. But it was a pretty awful lesson to learn and it hurts.