Envious of the life my kids are having without me after divorce

[Anonymous]

I’m pp non skiier married to a high earner.

My friends who had divorced parents often say the man is not the plan. Sometimes I worry that my daughter sees our lifestyle and may depend on a man.

My initial thought was OP could simply date another guy who can buy her some skis and take her skiing. That really isn’t the right way to think about this.

[Anonymous]

Have you talked to a divorce lawyer now that his income has gone up? Maybe you could renegotiate it.

Also "it was worth some tradeoffs I had to make for my own" - what sort of tradeoffs did you make? It sounds like you did may have made too many, frankly.

Here's one thing I will say. My mom grew up poor, managed to go to college and marry my dad who had some family money and a successful career. I always felt like on some level she was jealous of me, for having so much more than she did growing up. I remember her once sneering at me, "poor little rich girl" when I was stressing out about my law school gpa limiting my ability to find the top flight jobs I wanted. She made a comment about how I probably would not have gotten in were it not for my dad. Not sure - my LSAT and gpa were slightly above the median for the school.

Anyway, try not to let a jealousy dynamic creep into your relationship with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you talked to a divorce lawyer now that his income has gone up? Maybe you could renegotiate it.

Also "it was worth some tradeoffs I had to make for my own" - what sort of tradeoffs did you make? It sounds like you did may have made too many, frankly.

Here's one thing I will say. My mom grew up poor, managed to go to college and marry my dad who had some family money and a successful career. I always felt like on some level she was jealous of me, for having so much more than she did growing up. I remember her once sneering at me, "poor little rich girl" when I was stressing out about my law school gpa limiting my ability to find the top flight jobs I wanted. She made a comment about how I probably would not have gotten in were it not for my dad. Not sure - my LSAT and gpa were slightly above the median for the school.

Anyway, try not to let a jealousy dynamic creep into your relationship with your kids.

I meant to add - my parents were still married. It's not like my mom was a poor divorced single mom. She was jealous of me even though I was living the same standard of living she was currently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're living in Virginia, you can go back to court now that his income has changed and get more money. When he remarries or moves in with someone, their joint income will be higher and trigger your ability to get more as a result. The child support should certainly increase with his salary in almost any state.

I don’t live in VA. My child support goes up with his income, but the length of my alimony does not. It’s based on the length of our marriage. It does cost me legal fees each year- he does not volunteer this information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you talked to a divorce lawyer now that his income has gone up? Maybe you could renegotiate it.

Also "it was worth some tradeoffs I had to make for my own" - what sort of tradeoffs did you make? It sounds like you did may have made too many, frankly.

Here's one thing I will say. My mom grew up poor, managed to go to college and marry my dad who had some family money and a successful career. I always felt like on some level she was jealous of me, for having so much more than she did growing up. I remember her once sneering at me, "poor little rich girl" when I was stressing out about my law school gpa limiting my ability to find the top flight jobs I wanted. She made a comment about how I probably would not have gotten in were it not for my dad. Not sure - my LSAT and gpa were slightly above the median for the school.

Anyway, try not to let a jealousy dynamic creep into your relationship with your kids.

I won’t go into detail about the tradeoffs, but I decided I would rather have less money for myself in order to get more things for my children, especially long-term, non-standard things in our settlement that can’t be unwound in a couple of years on Ex’s whims and are a hedge against an early death.

Ex will live forever though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teach your kids how to be financially independent. Stress academics. Thats the lesson learned. Don’t rely on another spouse. You never know what will happen down the road, so get them to focus on a career.

This is a sad message that really shortchanges children. I would say - choose a better spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teach your kids how to be financially independent. Stress academics. Thats the lesson learned. Don’t rely on another spouse. You never know what will happen down the road, so get them to focus on a career.

This is a sad message that really shortchanges children. I would say - choose a better spouse.

Rude. My parents are still married in their 80s, but watching our mother put up with our dad's crap inspired both of us DDs to get degrees, stay employed, and not marry guys so alpha that our needs would be subsumed.

We were given everything reasonable in an intact home but we still got to see the patriarchy in action up close and personal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teach your kids how to be financially independent. Stress academics. Thats the lesson learned. Don’t rely on another spouse. You never know what will happen down the road, so get them to focus on a career.

This is a sad message that really shortchanges children. I would say - choose a better spouse.

OP here and you don’t know until you’re really in it how someone will respond to a true choice between themselves and family. Nothing tests someone like that when you’re just a couple. Even interactions with nuclear family don’t show much. My DH was kind and generous and we were a team. Until we weren’t.

I made promises that were forever no matter how hard things might be, and my greatest sorrow is that he did not.

[Anonymous]

I want to give OP a little tough love, but gently. It’s time that you carve out your career path going forward. You are more intelligent and more powerful than you know. Start a business. How do you do that, you may ask? Figure out your interests, figure out how you can monetize those interests. Let me give you a few examples, sounds like you love skiing. You can rate Ski areas in your area, state and region, research deals or best values for your money at each of the ski areas blog or tik tok or YouTube them. You can also put packages together for a fee, a ski trip concierge/travel agent biz. You could start a ‘divorced parent on a budget’ themed content site, use social media as mentioned above. You can online tutor to make money, be an independent contractor or subject matter expert from your past career or use your expertise from your past career to rebrand yourself to a new career. There is a lot of remote work still available. You have to network to seek and find opportunities.

As were sharing, love and passion with the kids. What about starting a new hobby, such as camping or hiking. Think outside the box, work with what you have. You can do this!

[Anonymous]

How old are you OP? There is still time to get remarried. People will kill me for saying this, but it is a lot easier than rebuilding a career in many cases

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you talked to a divorce lawyer now that his income has gone up? Maybe you could renegotiate it.

Also "it was worth some tradeoffs I had to make for my own" - what sort of tradeoffs did you make? It sounds like you did may have made too many, frankly.

Here's one thing I will say. My mom grew up poor, managed to go to college and marry my dad who had some family money and a successful career. I always felt like on some level she was jealous of me, for having so much more than she did growing up. I remember her once sneering at me, "poor little rich girl" when I was stressing out about my law school gpa limiting my ability to find the top flight jobs I wanted. She made a comment about how I probably would not have gotten in were it not for my dad. Not sure - my LSAT and gpa were slightly above the median for the school.

Anyway, try not to let a jealousy dynamic creep into your relationship with your kids.

I won’t go into detail about the tradeoffs, but I decided I would rather have less money for myself in order to get more things for my children, especially long-term, non-standard things in our settlement that can’t be unwound in a couple of years on Ex’s whims and are a hedge against an early death.

Ex will live forever though.

Look it sounds like you were not willing to push for the max alimony and settlement you could have gotten. For whatever reason you see yourself as weak and a victim. What is done is done - it sounds like you got your kids a great settlement including guaranteed college tuition I am assuming. You don’t have to worry about your kids financially. That is huge on a personal and financial level for you. So stop feeling sorry for yourself and start taking initiative to build your career and work towards your own financial goals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH divorced me in a nasty, surprise way. I was a SAHM who helped him build a career that is now taking off. When we were all a family, we took fun vacations together and skiied 20+ days in the winter (we don’t live in the dmv anymore) and had a ski house that DH was able to afford to keep.

I have a few years of spousal support and some retirement and but am living very lean because it is a struggle for me to find anything close to my old career and I don’t know how long I can stretch my half of our assets. DH is making 10x my old salary or more and I’m grateful that our kids can continue to live our old lifestyle when they’re with him. I am really grateful to have a settlement that makes sure my kids are set and will not have to worry about their future- it was worth some tradeoffs I had to make for my own.

But the other day one of my kids said, mommy, I’m sad that you don’t get to ski or go to [x country] with us anymore. I brushed it off and said how much I love doing all the new things we do together.

But I am sad and miss those old things too. I’ll never be able to afford to ski again- my gear was breaking down when the divorce had happened and we were supposed to replace it that season, and lift tickets and lodging are now out of the question. The vacations to [x country] were facilitated by DH’s work travel that my flexibility enabled and the miles and points he accumulated.

This is just a vent. I feel like I’m pressing my face up against the glass of my old life. I don’t blame my kids one bit but I miss the family times I thought we’d have together.

You are delusional in thinking you have much responsibility for his success.

You picked well for a breadwinner but bad for a husband, but at least you lived a decade or so of a live that most of us never have.

So if you were so pivotal to his success, apply it to yourself and level up your income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH divorced me in a nasty, surprise way. I was a SAHM who helped him build a career that is now taking off. When we were all a family, we took fun vacations together and skiied 20+ days in the winter (we don’t live in the dmv anymore) and had a ski house that DH was able to afford to keep.

I have a few years of spousal support and some retirement and but am living very lean because it is a struggle for me to find anything close to my old career and I don’t know how long I can stretch my half of our assets. DH is making 10x my old salary or more and I’m grateful that our kids can continue to live our old lifestyle when they’re with him. I am really grateful to have a settlement that makes sure my kids are set and will not have to worry about their future- it was worth some tradeoffs I had to make for my own.

But the other day one of my kids said, mommy, I’m sad that you don’t get to ski or go to [x country] with us anymore. I brushed it off and said how much I love doing all the new things we do together.

But I am sad and miss those old things too. I’ll never be able to afford to ski again- my gear was breaking down when the divorce had happened and we were supposed to replace it that season, and lift tickets and lodging are now out of the question. The vacations to [x country] were facilitated by DH’s work travel that my flexibility enabled and the miles and points he accumulated.

This is just a vent. I feel like I’m pressing my face up against the glass of my old life. I don’t blame my kids one bit but I miss the family times I thought we’d have together.

You are delusional in thinking you have much responsibility for his success.

You picked well for a breadwinner but bad for a husband, but at least you lived a decade or so of a live that most of us never have.

So if you were so pivotal to his success, apply it to yourself and level up your income.

Not delusional at all to think a supportive spouse can make a positive difference in their partner’s career trajectory:

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/for-couples-success-at-work-is-affected-by-partner-s-personality/

Conscientiousness seems to be the primary trait creating this positive influence. OP now needs to apply that extra positive energy to herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH divorced me in a nasty, surprise way. I was a SAHM who helped him build a career that is now taking off. When we were all a family, we took fun vacations together and skiied 20+ days in the winter (we don’t live in the dmv anymore) and had a ski house that DH was able to afford to keep.

I have a few years of spousal support and some retirement and but am living very lean because it is a struggle for me to find anything close to my old career and I don’t know how long I can stretch my half of our assets. DH is making 10x my old salary or more and I’m grateful that our kids can continue to live our old lifestyle when they’re with him. I am really grateful to have a settlement that makes sure my kids are set and will not have to worry about their future- it was worth some tradeoffs I had to make for my own.

But the other day one of my kids said, mommy, I’m sad that you don’t get to ski or go to [x country] with us anymore. I brushed it off and said how much I love doing all the new things we do together.

But I am sad and miss those old things too. I’ll never be able to afford to ski again- my gear was breaking down when the divorce had happened and we were supposed to replace it that season, and lift tickets and lodging are now out of the question. The vacations to [x country] were facilitated by DH’s work travel that my flexibility enabled and the miles and points he accumulated.

This is just a vent. I feel like I’m pressing my face up against the glass of my old life. I don’t blame my kids one bit but I miss the family times I thought we’d have together.

You are delusional in thinking you have much responsibility for his success.

You picked well for a breadwinner but bad for a husband, but at least you lived a decade or so of a live that most of us never have.

So if you were so pivotal to his success, apply it to yourself and level up your income.

Not delusional at all to think a supportive spouse can make a positive difference in their partner’s career trajectory:

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/for-couples-success-at-work-is-affected-by-partner-s-personality/

Conscientiousness seems to be the primary trait creating this positive influence. OP now needs to apply that extra positive energy to herself.

Oh for sure. Having seen it up front, the stay and home wife and mom enables the career. Not only by taking care of every facet of home life and children but also by facilitating the schmoozing and socializing. The man in this position gets everything done for him (children raised, chores done, social life arranged) and literally has to do nothing but roll out of bed and go to work, and can put 100% of his energy into the job. In most cases the wife of a BigLaw parter or hedge fund bro deserves every penny she gets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you talked to a divorce lawyer now that his income has gone up? Maybe you could renegotiate it.

Also "it was worth some tradeoffs I had to make for my own" - what sort of tradeoffs did you make? It sounds like you did may have made too many, frankly.

Here's one thing I will say. My mom grew up poor, managed to go to college and marry my dad who had some family money and a successful career. I always felt like on some level she was jealous of me, for having so much more than she did growing up. I remember her once sneering at me, "poor little rich girl" when I was stressing out about my law school gpa limiting my ability to find the top flight jobs I wanted. She made a comment about how I probably would not have gotten in were it not for my dad. Not sure - my LSAT and gpa were slightly above the median for the school.

Anyway, try not to let a jealousy dynamic creep into your relationship with your kids.

I won’t go into detail about the tradeoffs, but I decided I would rather have less money for myself in order to get more things for my children, especially long-term, non-standard things in our settlement that can’t be unwound in a couple of years on Ex’s whims and are a hedge against an early death.

Ex will live forever though.

Look it sounds like you were not willing to push for the max alimony and settlement you could have gotten. For whatever reason you see yourself as weak and a victim. What is done is done - it sounds like you got your kids a great settlement including guaranteed college tuition I am assuming. You don’t have to worry about your kids financially. That is huge on a personal and financial level for you. So stop feeling sorry for yourself and start taking initiative to build your career and work towards your own financial goals.

It sounds like she is getting a lot plus her income.