Is it cruel to lock my toddler in a dark closet for a couple of minutes?

[Anonymous]

Find the thing he cares about and take it away. Do not lock him up. We had timeouts on the stairs with a timer. Boring and visible. Bad behavior got more time on the timer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and he both need to read some books and/or take a class. A book like No Bad Kids can be read in one afternoon. Just do that to get going.

Most toddler misbehavior is attributable to either not having had enough physical activity or being hungry or tired, off schedule, etc.

is this really true?? if so I have a defective kid. Most days, barring interruptions to our daily routine, he is well-fed (healthy and well-balanced), very well exercised, well-slept (he sleeps 11 hours at night, 2 hour naps most days), and very well-engaged between preschool and home. But the misbehavior is constant.

Really constant? Or are you exaggerating? Constant misbehavior is not developmentally typical and there is probably an issue. But occasional misbeahvior sprinkled throughout the day is developmentally normal because they are still learning how to behave and do not have good impulse control. Your job is to correct, impose reasonable natural ckmseiquences for behavior and keep your cool.

Sure, not every minute we're around him. But every transition. Every time he has to get dressed or get a diaper change. Every meal time. Almost every time he's going in and out of car seats. Etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Harry Potter got locked in a dark closet and grew up to be the world’s best wizard. I don’t see what the problem is.

LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and he both need to read some books and/or take a class. A book like No Bad Kids can be read in one afternoon. Just do that to get going.

Most toddler misbehavior is attributable to either not having had enough physical activity or being hungry or tired, off schedule, etc.

is this really true?? if so I have a defective kid. Most days, barring interruptions to our daily routine, he is well-fed (healthy and well-balanced), very well exercised, well-slept (he sleeps 11 hours at night, 2 hour naps most days), and very well-engaged between preschool and home. But the misbehavior is constant.

Then the good and bad news is that you are just not handling the behavior correctly. It’s an easy fix if you do some reading and learning. Controlling toddlers is actually pretty simple (absent a behavioral issue, diagnosis etc.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look up The Happiest Toddler on the Block on Amazon. Great advice on how to communicate on a cave-person level with the cave-person a toddler is.

I'll look it up but is an incredibly happy kid. Misbehavior and power struggles aside, he spontaneously expresses joy, laughs, runs to us and tells us "I love you!" multiple times throughout the day. Is there a book called "the most obedient toddler on the block" ?!

[Anonymous]

Part of what will work eventually (nothing is going to work overnight on a 2 year old), is sticking to the consequence with minimal emotion. If he rages, so be it. So, for the food thing, throwing food means he’s done. Communicate that ahead of time and just remove the plate. “You threw food, dinner is over”. He can try to negotiate, scream, whatever, but you’re done. He will survive with no meal. With my son, that first tantrum was horrific. The second one, a minute or so, and then…no more behavior. Bonus to the big tantrum is that they sleep well that night. Also, unless his room is no fun, if you’re trying to modify behavior, the chair should be somewhere with no distactions that you can see. General rule is a minute per year. If you feel you are about to lose it yourself, then put them in their room where they’re safe and take a break.

Even though your child is verbal, their brains aren’t really developed enough to do long term thinking and reasoning at this age. Explanations beyond “this is something you may not do” are pointless and make yourself feel like you’re accomplishing something but you aren’t. Toddlers are exhausting terrorists, but we don’t negotiate with terrorists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:and before anyone comes at me for abuse - DS is extremely well loved and secure toddler. Our frustration is he is perhaps too confident and knows he can walk all over us. We do try replacement behavior, redirecting, the usual parenting suggestions, but often it does not work. Here's another example of something that happens nightly. DS starts banging on the table during mealtime or throwing food. We take away his plate.

DS: I want my food back!
DH: Why did dada take ita way?
DS: Because I hit the table
DH: Are you going to stop if I give it back to you?
DS: Yes.
We give it back. 2 minutes later destructive behavior returns.
DH: Dinner is over (takes away his plate, removes him from table)
DS: I want my food!
DH: Why did I take it away?
DS: Because I be mean.

*repeats*

Okay, you have big problems here. Your kid is fine. Your problems are:

1) you expect a display of contrition that isn’t developmentally appropriate, mostly to salve your own emotions.

2) you don’t mean what you say.

If the rule is that banging the table=dinner is over, that needs to be the rule. With no anger, just “okay, dinner is over.”

“I want my food back.”
“The food is gone because dinner is over. You can try again at bedtime snack”
“waaaaaa”
“I understand you’re hungry. Next time, try not to bang the table and you can stay until you’re done eating.”

Waiting until breakfast is too harsh, imo, so if you don’t have another feeding opportunity you need a different consequence. Not “one more try” or anything like that. That’s unfair and it’s absolutely training your kid to be super annoying and test every boundary.

It sounds like you want your consequences to make your kid feel bad/sad/ashamed/contrite, and that’s not a good road to be on with such a little. It’s not fair and it won’t work.

Try reading No Bad Kids or hell, even 123 magic. Your problem is that your strategy is bad and you’re implementing it poorly. Pick a mainstream book and implement faithfully.

The beginning is going to be hard. It takes 4-5 horrible experiences to “buy” a consequence that works. If it’s “we’re leaving the restaurant if you don’t stay at the table” you need to DO THAT a few times. It will suck for everyone. That’s the cost of it working in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my parenting style leans to the authoritative side a bit and even I would never consider locking my child in a dark closet or room.
Please do not do this. It is abusive.

+1


Watch SuperNanny and learn how to discipline properly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:and before anyone comes at me for abuse - DS is extremely well loved and secure toddler. Our frustration is he is perhaps too confident and knows he can walk all over us. We do try replacement behavior, redirecting, the usual parenting suggestions, but often it does not work. Here's another example of something that happens nightly. DS starts banging on the table during mealtime or throwing food. We take away his plate.

DS: I want my food back!
DH: Why did dada take ita way?
DS: Because I hit the table
DH: Are you going to stop if I give it back to you?
DS: Yes.
We give it back. 2 minutes later destructive behavior returns.
DH: Dinner is over (takes away his plate, removes him from table)
DS: I want my food!
DH: Why did I take it away?
DS: Because I be mean.

*repeats*

Please take a parenting class with DH if this is not a troll. PEP in DMV is excellent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look up The Happiest Toddler on the Block on Amazon. Great advice on how to communicate on a cave-person level with the cave-person a toddler is.

I'll look it up but is an incredibly happy kid. Misbehavior and power struggles aside, he spontaneously expresses joy, laughs, runs to us and tells us "I love you!" multiple times throughout the day. Is there a book called "the most obedient toddler on the block" ?!

Toddlers who are constantly testing boundaries and having tantrums with transitions are not “happy”. Don’t argue semantics with people who are trying to help you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:and before anyone comes at me for abuse - DS is extremely well loved and secure toddler. Our frustration is he is perhaps too confident and knows he can walk all over us. We do try replacement behavior, redirecting, the usual parenting suggestions, but often it does not work. Here's another example of something that happens nightly. DS starts banging on the table during mealtime or throwing food. We take away his plate.

DS: I want my food back!
DH: Why did dada take ita way?
DS: Because I hit the table
DH: Are you going to stop if I give it back to you?
DS: Yes.
We give it back. 2 minutes later destructive behavior returns.
DH: Dinner is over (takes away his plate, removes him from table)
DS: I want my food!
DH: Why did I take it away?
DS: Because I be mean.

*repeats*

Sounds like he found a fun and fascinating game to play with his dad at dinner time. Don’t engage! “I can’t let you bang your food.” Then take it away. He cries, give it back once. He does it again, meal time is over, his plate goes in the fridge and he leaves the table. Then finish your meal and ignore him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Part of what will work eventually (nothing is going to work overnight on a 2 year old), is sticking to the consequence with minimal emotion. If he rages, so be it. So, for the food thing, throwing food means he’s done. Communicate that ahead of time and just remove the plate. “You threw food, dinner is over”. He can try to negotiate, scream, whatever, but you’re done. He will survive with no meal. With my son, that first tantrum was horrific. The second one, a minute or so, and then…no more behavior. Bonus to the big tantrum is that they sleep well that night. Also, unless his room is no fun, if you’re trying to modify behavior, the chair should be somewhere with no distactions that you can see. General rule is a minute per year. If you feel you are about to lose it yourself, then put them in their room where they’re safe and take a break.

Even though your child is verbal, their brains aren’t really developed enough to do long term thinking and reasoning at this age. Explanations beyond “this is something you may not do” are pointless and make yourself feel like you’re accomplishing something but you aren’t. Toddlers are exhausting terrorists, but we don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Precisely. OP, you are talking too much. Talking about it reinforces it, even if you think you are explaining to him why it is bad. He's not there -- he just likes being the focus of attention. That's normal for his age! But you feed into it.

Calm, limited emotion, clear, short communication. Natural consequences for misbehavior. Lots of redirection to head it off, and lots of praise when he is doing it right. THEN is when you have extended conversations.

[Anonymous]

If anyone did that in a public school for any reason they would be breaking the law. It used to be done regularly but not anymore. Get a grip OP and even more important, help your husband get a grip. You have a stubborn, smart and obstinate toddler, life is not going to get easier and you two need to learn how to cope. Get some help.

[Anonymous]

Debatable if it's cruel (depends on how he responds) but it's unlikely to work.

Now is when you level up your parenting to address behavioral issues.

[Anonymous]

Yes. That’s child abuse.