Becoming invisible to men at 50

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most of the people on this thread are wayyy under 50 and have no clue. Op I am 55 and right there with you. Also it gets worse - it’s when the women start ignoring you too that it gets truly depressing, like not only are you undesirable to clients but so much so they don’t want to be associated with you or their brand associated with you either . Seriously - mostly unintended and subconscious but it happens. I am in public relations and it is def a young woman’s field. I get majorly overlooked for assignments and I know for a fact after 25!years in the field that it is because I no longer « look the part »

I have been posting. I am 50 and a lawyer in DC, not a field known for beauty. But yes if you or OP are in PR or pharmaceutical sales or another field that is notorious for hiring young and beautiful, that discounts experience in favor of youth, then yes I see it. But I have to wonder, didn’t you benefit when youth (but not experience) was on your side? Didn’t you see this day coming?

[Anonymous]

It just sounds you were in bad company. Don't let it get to you.

[Anonymous]

I have experience this at purely social events, but not at events related to work. For work related events, I find people are still focused on what you have done and what you might be able to do for them professionally.

OP, what line of work are you in? Is it something like being a realtor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most of the people on this thread are wayyy under 50 and have no clue. Op I am 55 and right there with you. Also it gets worse - it’s when the women start ignoring you too that it gets truly depressing, like not only are you undesirable to clients but so much so they don’t want to be associated with you or their brand associated with you either . Seriously - mostly unintended and subconscious but it happens. I am in public relations and it is def a young woman’s field. I get majorly overlooked for assignments and I know for a fact after 25!years in the field that it is because I no longer « look the part »

Yep. And they're predictably shifting blame to the woman. Just wait until it hits you. I was recently at the yearly gathering of my 6 closest girl friends (we are 51-52). These women are successful and dynamic (I can objectively say this). We were laughing about our new super power of invisibility.

[Anonymous]

It is about sex appeal. That is what makes you attractive to them. Without it, yeah, it is a lot harder to hold male attention

[Anonymous]

I think most of the people on this thread are wayyy under 50 and have no clue. Op I am 55 and right there with you. Also it gets worse - it’s when the women start ignoring you too that it gets truly depressing, like not only are you undesirable to clients but so much so they don’t want to be associated with you or their brand associated with you either .

I am the PP who said I have only experienced this socially and not at work. I am 53, have salt and pepper hair, and am slightly overweight. In a work context, I really think this is going to vary based on your field. I am an attorney at a law firm.

[Anonymous]

I'm 55 and don't find this to be true. I'm dating a 47 year old.

[Anonymous]

OP I think I understand. I also work in a male dominated field and pretty privilege is a double edged sword but very real. In addition , depending on the field, you can fairly easily be extremely beautiful for that crowd. I am reasonably good looking but in a conference in my field I would generally feel like the most attractive woman or up there (largely because there were not a lot of women there and it’s not a field where looks are emphasized). Anyway I think I’ve noticed my aging more at work related events than anywhere else for that reason. It just is what it is. It’s not the end of the world to be invisible to people who go by appearances.

[Anonymous]

I'm 42 and worry about this. I genuinely think I am interesting and nice but I realize that a lot of the attention I get at work, which involves a lot of networking, is because of how I look. In 10 years will this change? Probably. And will that change my experience and enjoyment of work? Probably. Something to consider.

I bet you're beautiful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 55 and don't find this to be true. I'm dating a 47 year old.

I don't think this proves anything. I'm not in the 50+ dating market but my friends who are find dates (sometimes with a younger man--I mean past 45 a few years either way is pretty much the same age) but also comment on feeling invisible at-large.

[Anonymous]

I’m 64 and I don’t see this as an issue. I think it’s very lucky that I am very outgoing and very curious plus a good listener. People enjoy talking with me. I’m happily married which helps. I’m quite attractive for my age but I’ve never worried about being invisible.

[Anonymous]

Can’t you replace the interest in beauty with just phenomenal style and good conversation. Happy people attract conversation.

[Anonymous]

I think this is really dependent on your industry and other socio-cultural factors (like the legal market in NYC is probably different than Boston or DC, and it's certainly different in Big Law versus Legal Aid; it may be different at a high end private school function versus a schlumpy public school...).

It's a thing. Whether it's a big thing or a small thing depends on a lot of different factors. I think you need to decide whether you care enough to fight through it, or whether this is another middle aged DNGAF moment. I always think of the Wanda Sykes special where she says something like that menopause is like a sudden window into what it's like to be a man ... all of a sudden, you just DNGAF what other people think of you. Most of us spent most of our youth worried about if we were getting enough attention, the right kind of attention, etc....at some point, it's kind of nice just to be like ... no one cares if I'm at this dumb cocktail party, so I'm going to get the good circulating snacks and then take off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is really dependent on your industry and other socio-cultural factors (like the legal market in NYC is probably different than Boston or DC, and it's certainly different in Big Law versus Legal Aid; it may be different at a high end private school function versus a schlumpy public school...).

It's a thing. Whether it's a big thing or a small thing depends on a lot of different factors. I think you need to decide whether you care enough to fight through it, or whether this is another middle aged DNGAF moment. I always think of the Wanda Sykes special where she says something like that menopause is like a sudden window into what it's like to be a man ... all of a sudden, you just DNGAF what other people think of you. Most of us spent most of our youth worried about if we were getting enough attention, the right kind of attention, etc....at some point, it's kind of nice just to be like ... no one cares if I'm at this dumb cocktail party, so I'm going to get the good circulating snacks and then take off.

OP. Thank you! Your first post is super on point. My worlds are "tech-start-up" and "fancy private school." Neither are particularly kind to aging women.

Your second point is great too except the part about "decide whether you care enough to fight through it." I don't think there's anything I can do to fight this. My hair, body and wardrobe are about as good as they can be at this point. My conversation skills are strong (at least with women who seem to always like me). I'm not going to recapture any feminine mystique I once had. My post was more an observation than anything. A giant, "HUH."

[Anonymous]

I was so young looking in my 20s that many people thought I was in HS and I hated it. I think I finally hit my peak hotness in my early 40s and while I now have some crow lines the rest of me is still pretty good at age 52. My daughters are in their mid 20s and we often swap clothes. I’m not trying to look like a 20 something but I can still glam it up. My husband never complains.