kid just failed out of college, now what? and what does future look like?

[Anonymous]

Also be prepare me for when you lay out your expectations of job, rent, etc (if they is what you have), that they may pick “crash with friends” and my co-workers take on this was they hated it, but didn’t go in and drag kid home as that was path kid chose- but also did NOT fund that path- make sure both parents on same page for what will support.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks all. I think it's going to take this kids years to mature and figure it out.
Yes, she's on meds and has been in therapy for years already.
Yep, we're not eager to send her back to college to fail again (due to lack of skills and maturity). She'll likely get a full-time job and maybe CC at some point.
I'm not eager to keep wasting money on tuition.

You give me hope that maturity may come later on a longer path

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The military is a good option.

Not with her depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bring her home and have her start a local job. Make an appointment with her primary care doctor, and with a therapist. Keep trying out jobs it until she finds something that sticks, there are plenty of jobs that do not require degrees. She can go to community college in a year or two after she matures and has her mental health under control. This is not the end of the world.

Completely agree with this sound advice.

Lol I laughed hysterically at this advice. You don’t just wind up a kid in the position of OP’s daughter, find her a job, find her a therapist etc. You’re assuming there will be compliance and chances are there won’t be. Then the issue is how do you handle non-compliance? Do you throw her out? I hardly think so.

We raised four kids, and three went straight on to the traditional successful trajectory. The fourth, who objectively is the brightest, did terrible in high school and suffered from depression, anxiety, you name it - although not ADHD. She took a gap year, which was a waste of money, then got admitted to a respectable state college entirely because of her ridiculously high SAT score. It took her I don’t know how long to get out, seven or eight years? But she finally did, with barely a 2.0. We never saw her grades, but continued paying tuition, because we thought it was better for all concerned if she did not live at home.

She floundered for quite a bit after graduation before eventually maturing, voluntarily seeing a therapist on her own initiative, and getting into - believe it or not a graduate program. She recently finished up and is now very gainfully employed and fully supporting herself in a job that really suits her and that helps others. So there is hope, but to me what is really required is a whole lot of empathy, understanding, and most of all support and patience. None of this bullshit “crack the whip” or “come up with a plan and stick with it” stuff. It’s just going to backfire and ruin your relationship. It’s time to accept the fact that your child is now an adult, and it is up to them, not to you, to fix them.

DP. My brother with undiagnosed ADHD and depression could have used the structured approach recommended by pp. My parents took the hands-off approach you are advocating. He never regained his footing after flunking out. It's been one temp job after another and he ended up living at home the rest of his life. No degree, no career, no permanent relationships--complete failure to launch. Some adult children need more support than others to launch themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The military is a good option.

Not with her depression.

Agree. I don't know why people think the military is a panacea for floundering young adults with mental health problems. It takes a hell of a lot more resiliency and stamina to just get through boot camp, let alone be successful in an environment that demands self-sacrifice and synchronized teamwork.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bring her home and have her start a local job. Make an appointment with her primary care doctor, and with a therapist. Keep trying out jobs it until she finds something that sticks, there are plenty of jobs that do not require degrees. She can go to community college in a year or two after she matures and has her mental health under control. This is not the end of the world.

Completely agree with this sound advice.

Lol I laughed hysterically at this advice. You don’t just wind up a kid in the position of OP’s daughter, find her a job, find her a therapist etc. You’re assuming there will be compliance and chances are there won’t be. Then the issue is how do you handle non-compliance? Do you throw her out? I hardly think so.

We raised four kids, and three went straight on to the traditional successful trajectory. The fourth, who objectively is the brightest, did terrible in high school and suffered from depression, anxiety, you name it - although not ADHD. She took a gap year, which was a waste of money, then got admitted to a respectable state college entirely because of her ridiculously high SAT score. It took her I don’t know how long to get out, seven or eight years? But she finally did, with barely a 2.0. We never saw her grades, but continued paying tuition, because we thought it was better for all concerned if she did not live at home.

She floundered for quite a bit after graduation before eventually maturing, voluntarily seeing a therapist on her own initiative, and getting into - believe it or not a graduate program. She recently finished up and is now very gainfully employed and fully supporting herself in a job that really suits her and that helps others. So there is hope, but to me what is really required is a whole lot of empathy, understanding, and most of all support and patience. None of this bullshit “crack the whip” or “come up with a plan and stick with it” stuff. It’s just going to backfire and ruin your relationship. It’s time to accept the fact that your child is now an adult, and it is up to them, not to you, to fix them.

You sound so kind. /s

I'm the previous poster, and what I posted helped my son when he failed out.

He needed more time. He needed support, but not to be hand held or babied. He got out of his depression and really leaned into his job. He recently started community college (age 21). He pays, then we reimburse him for Bs and As. It's working. He has goals, a stable 40 hour a week job, and really is a different person in two years. 19 (assuming age of most college freshman) is still so young. There is plenty of time to have failures, regroup and build a great life.

I don't have enough money to pay for failing classes or paying rent for him just so that he's on his own.

If he hadn't complied with therapy and a full time job, the alternative plan was to have him move in with my brother in the Midwest. My son decided he would rather stay here. It was his choice. Our relationship slowly healed itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dd just failed out of college in a big way. Stopped going to classes, stopped doing work, etc, sleeping all day.
She's smart (test scores, etc), but has depression and ADHD and shows no signs of trying to manage it .

So, please tell me your stories if you had kids who failed out. What does the next 5 years look like for them? Any words of advice? We don't live well together, so this is going to be stressful.

This was kind of me 20 years ago. I didn't fail out, but I transfered back home and finsihed at the local state school while living with my parents. Oddly, I had an internship all through college even while this was going on. I ended up graduating from the local school a couple years later and that internship turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I loved the work and now I have my own company in the same business. I should have gone to therapy but with immigrant mc parents it was never brought up once. I would say to make sure that they get structure back in their lives and provide them support to do well/feel good about themselves. If they were previously a high achiever they will hopefully get past this.

[Anonymous]

Sounds extremely similar to my situation. Though I didn’t “flunk out” just tanked and then dropped out after that one semester (think straight As, and then 3 Fs and a D) and financial problems. I did not waive FERPA so as much as my parents tried to get in to manage
I wouldn’t let them. I was focused on my independence.

What helped: I got a job, used that as a way to structure my life. My long term relationship helped with financial independence since I paid less in rent. But the job was what turned it around. It wasn’t high level (temping first, then entry level) and eventually I went back to school when I was ready (late 20s) and finished. I needed more structure to my life.

I now have a professional degree and make $300k+ as a senior executive. Don’t write her off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dd just failed out of college in a big way. Stopped going to classes, stopped doing work, etc, sleeping all day.
She's smart (test scores, etc), but has depression and ADHD and shows no signs of trying to manage it .

So, please tell me your stories if you had kids who failed out. What does the next 5 years look like for them? Any words of advice? We don't live well together, so this is going to be stressful.

Big question: what does she want to do right now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does everyone’s kid have ADHD, depression and/or anxiety?

Seems like it. At least in DCUM-land.

If you go elsewhere in the country you will see that young adults MUST figure out a way to launch as their families simply do not have the resources to support them. In fact, many of them MUST work in order for the family to meet basic expenses. And this is begins in high school when they first are able to work legally! If they go out on their own, they have to fully-support themselves and usually get roommates. They figure out how to get along.

Depressed because your BF/GF broke up with you? Anxious because there is a bully at your fast-food job? Tough. If you don't work, the family/you can't pay the electric bill or put gas in the tank. Get up, get out and get to work.

There is a whole different world outside DVM.

I think it's more generation based also? I mean I struggled with depression and have ADHD (not even diagnosed at the time); I managed to do well in college and grad school. I think there is a general malaise/"what's the point?" attitude in this generation bc they see that a college degree doesn't necessarily translate into success and bc of the state of the world.

No. I had a good friend in college who managed to flunk out twice. He's brilliant but his ADHD was undiagnosed. He's a successful middle aged guy now, making good money and supporting a family. He did end up graduating. Plenty of people felt malaise and unease in the world at every time. You think it's scary now with climate change and terrorism and whatever... just imagine living through WWII and thinking there is a point to life.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who failed out of college, an HYPS, which made it even more shameful. He had to take a semester off to retake the classes he failed. He did this in a pleasant location where he had been interning over the summer and continued his internship (i.e. he did not move back home). He passed the classes and came back and graduated, albeit with a low GPA. He was in pre-med classes that he really didn't want to take (son of immigrants, lots of pressure to be a doctor but really didn't want to be one). Had taken a lot of drugs and alcohol to deal with the pressure. He was great at the things he was interested in and showed brilliance at times, enough to get good letters of recommendation for grad school. Twenty years later he's extremely successful in his field. He just had to ditch what his parents wanted for him and pursue his passion. I promise this is not the end of the road for your child! What fires your child up? What does she want to do? Let her decide and try that out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The military is a good option.

Not with her depression.

Agree. I don't know why people think the military is a panacea for floundering young adults with mental health problems. It takes a hell of a lot more resiliency and stamina to just get through boot camp, let alone be successful in an environment that demands self-sacrifice and synchronized teamwork.

I agreed but do wish there was some sort of therapeutic program that was kind of boot camp and teamwork-oriented verses the victim mentality individualistic framing.

[Anonymous]

What year is she? When I was in college my grades were okay, but I hit a point midway where I was so burnt out and depressed I wanted to drop out. My parents talked me into staying in, but I scaled back my course load to the bare minimum, picked up an elective of interest that wasn't in my major, and got a job working two days per week. It was the right decision at the time. Changing her routine and environment to be generally less stressful, while still working towards her goals, is the key. I would encourage the community college / part time job route if this were my child. An alternative to a part-time job might be an ongoing volunteer position.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just saw this thread and thought "did I start this thread?"

My DD started a good university in fall of 2022, large respectable public school (think ranked in the 50-75 range.) She also had a respectable SAT score which got her a scholarship too. We were so proud of her, she was so proud of herself. But, she was product of mcps during covid, when they were handing out A's. We knew it was going to be touch and go, but were hoping for the best. She had accommodations (many schools do, for extra test time and private test taking place) but she took advantage of none. DH and I made decision of no hand holding.

She started school and had below average first semester. 1 A, 1 B, 1 C, and 1 D (of course the D was in a four credit class and the A was in a one credit class). She also dropped one class. She simply wasn't turning in the work. Came home, said she would try harder second semester.

She got sick early second semester and was out for a week and just blew off everything from there. Was completely overwhelmed, came home. I had her on find my friends and she literally would be in her dorm all weekend. She did have friends, by the way, and even joined a university dance team.

Came home. Said to her you need to either get a full time job, or go p/t to MC and work part time. During the summer of 2023, she just regrouped, and got a full time job at a summer day camp. She loved it. It got her outside and with her peers. Come fall, she registered for MC, and got a part time job. No car for her. She busses to work and school when I can't drive her, and she kind of likes the bus.
Also, we are making her pay for MC. If she gets a B or above, we reimburse her. First semester she got an A and a D. She insists she still wants to try for a four year degree.
Everything is OK now, she is meeting some people at p/t work and now has a boyfriend, which has really helped her mental health.
Anyway, it's not the end of the world. Our DD also has add and mild depression. She is happier when she is busy, I think college was wayyyyy too much free time. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

If she has depression issues, there are therapeutic residential programs that assist a young adult in taking classes, but getting the help they need. Don't know if she is at that point, but for others maybe?

My child had depression issues. I won't go ibto details, but community college has been 5he answer for now. President's list this semester and almost done with two years of classes! Will transfer to four year school next year. Take the foot off the gas, reassess, address needs and let go of expectations.