Not sure how to feel about this (trigger warning)

[Anonymous]

How’s your relationship with your DH otherwise, OP? I know you said that since baby three you haven’t been intimate much… but honestly that’s normal. How about in other areas? Is he a good and loving and supportive spouse generally?

Yes this is marital rape. And the quantity of alcohol certainly seems to have played a big role.

But the people saying to blow it all up and call the police? I don’t know. If he’s a good husband and dad and all- why don’t you just sit down and tell him how you feel? Tell him you’re pissed and that it felt like rape and you feel awful and you two need to go to therapy to fix things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop drinking folks.

More American women are drinking as much as men. In fact if you see some of the beer commercials it is clear that they are the new targets of the Alcoholic beverage industry. So for their own healths women should definitely ease on the drinking.

I have an alcoholic wife. The problem with people who drink too much is that other aspects of their lives suffer as well. I am now the full time parent, cook and cleaner in the house. Alcohol has taken over DW’s life so much that she is neglecting her self care. She is not showering everyday, she smells, her breath stinks, she is always screaming at everyone in the house. My goal is to get her to sober up first, get her life in order and then I will file for divorce. She started drinking socially once a month, then once every two weeks, then weekly, then several times a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You gave birth two months ago! Please post your address- I will come over and kick your husband in the balls. Then I will watch your kids while you shower and take a nap. Your husband is a piece of trash.

Can we be friends?

My thoughts exactly

OP I very sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should take the baby and go stay with a friend or relative or in a hotel for tonight or however long you want.

Call a locksmith and have them install a lock on your bedroom and a bathroom you can use. Make your husband sleep on the couch if there is no guest room. Throw out all alcohol in the house.

Talk to a therapist. I would consider divorce.

And yes that was rape.

Yes, do all this which is 100% illegal. Clearly, you have never read marriage laws in this area. As someone who contemplated divorce for four years and had an attorney on retainer I can tell you what you just posted isn't allowed - legally.

You know what else is illegal?

Rape.

Which is what happened here.

Things that are not illegal: making improvements to the home you own, such as adding locks to areas that need to be secure for safety reasons, disposing of alcohol, staying in a hotel with your children.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m so very sorry that this happened to you. As others have said, it is rape. With a 2 month old and two other kids, you’re most likely trying to just get through each day right now. I know it’s hard, but this is a crucial moment where you need to put yourself first. Listen to your body and your feelings - they are telling you this was 100% wrong. Please reach out to a hotline and find someone to talk to about this. Talking about it and dealing with your feelings on this are priority #1.

I’m a survivor of domestic abuse. Someone who does this is an abuser. Abusers often wait to ramp things up until after you’ve had multiple kids (because you’re more trapped then). He showed you who he is and it’s important that you believe him. He’s not going to change.

Remember, your first priority is taking care of yourself. Sending you lots of strength and love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How’s your relationship with your DH otherwise, OP? I know you said that since baby three you haven’t been intimate much… but honestly that’s normal. How about in other areas? Is he a good and loving and supportive spouse generally?

Yes this is marital rape. And the quantity of alcohol certainly seems to have played a big role.

But the people saying to blow it all up and call the police? I don’t know. If he’s a good husband and dad and all- why don’t you just sit down and tell him how you feel? Tell him you’re pissed and that it felt like rape and you feel awful and you two need to go to therapy to fix things.

Good husbands don’t rape their wives.

[Anonymous]

OP, first, I’m so, so sorry.

If no one else has mentioned this (I’ve not read the whole thread), he could very well have been in alcohol-induced blackout. That’s not uncommon when people drink a lot in a very short amount of time. If the case, he genuinely doesn’t remember what happened. That does NOT make it acceptable behavior.

I agree with others that counseling is indicated here. Sending you all the very best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me and it was the beginning of the end. I could not trust my husband or feel safe with him anymore. Which means I could not willingly have sex with him, which led to this cycle of anger and coercive sex where I would endure just to make him less angry.

I never told anyone, and when I finally left, he demanded (and got) 50/50. He’s now living with a woman who left an abusive marriage and has young children—they are parading around as the happy blended family. I worry about that dynamic and its impact on my kids all the time.

The people saying to just leave have no idea if OP even works and your outcome is the likely one, PP. I am sorry you experienced this too. And someone who would assault his wife may not be a great parent, so there may be safety concerns. I stayed for years until my kids got older. The system often does not protect, even when ex DH left a toddler and preschooler alone and neighbors called CPS, got 50/50. Men like this tend to be family court nightmares if they have the financial means. They like to show that they are not contained by rules or norms. There are no really good answers for you, I am so sorry you were assaulted and now are in this situation, OP. If he was genuinely remorseful, could be a chance, but he does not seem to be.

[Anonymous]

The reality is that OP has 3 kids, one a newborn. They may be largely or completely dependent on DH's income. Those who say don't care at all about his reputation are black and white thinkers and shockingly naive about how life works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How’s your relationship with your DH otherwise, OP? I know you said that since baby three you haven’t been intimate much… but honestly that’s normal. How about in other areas? Is he a good and loving and supportive spouse generally?

Yes this is marital rape. And the quantity of alcohol certainly seems to have played a big role.

But the people saying to blow it all up and call the police? I don’t know. If he’s a good husband and dad and all- why don’t you just sit down and tell him how you feel? Tell him you’re pissed and that it felt like rape and you feel awful and you two need to go to therapy to fix things.

Rapists aren't good husbands.

OP, please go to the ER, make sure you talk to a nurse trained in sexual assault, get a rape kit done, and decide what to do from there.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry that your husband raped you, OP. And you didn’t let him. You said no repeatedly and resisted and you didn’t physically attack him to escape because you didn’t believe that your husband would actually rape you.

[Anonymous]

If you have girls they are in danger

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:<<trigger warning, discussion of marital sexual coercion>>

I’ll try to keep this short and to the point. I’m having a hard time processing, and don’t know what to do or how to move forward here. I’m 38F, I’ve been with my husband for 15 years and married for 10. 3 kids; we just had our third 2 months ago. Our sex life has admittedly been lackluster since then - partially just because of exhaustion, on both of our parts…it’s not like he’s been trying regularly and I’ve been rejecting him over and over. We’ve had sex 5 or 6 times since I gave birth…all at his initiative, admittedly. I think he tried to initiate one other time, and I wasn’t feeling it but we did it the next morning. Honestly I currently have zero drive; I’m nursing and I’m sure that’s a big part of it. Also just very newly postpartum, body feels foreign and I’m not getting enough sleep and I’m stressed and touched out.
All the normal stuff. We’ve never been a SUPER high frequency sex couple either…generally 3-4 times/month, and that’s been the case since very early on in the relationship. I feel like I’m giving way too much background here; just trying to provide some context

Anyways. Last night we went out with my brother & his gf and my sister & her husband. We were all drinking; no one in excess but we all had 3-5 drinks over the course of the whole evening. I wasn’t monitoring, but find it likely that my husband and my sister’s husband were drinking doubles at least the second half of the night, so feasibly more like 8 drinks (over the course of 5-6 hours). My husband held it together most of the night, although by the end of the night when we were all hanging out and chatting it was definitely clear he was under the influence - nothing crazy, he wasn’t sloppy or belligerent…just talking too loudly/animatedly, repeating himself a bit, that kind of thing. He wasn’t (seemingly) much drunker than anyone else or anything. I’ll also note that he doesn’t drink a ton, neither do I - we do drink socially, but currently just have a LOT going on so I’d say both of us have a night where we have 1-2 drinks at home/after dinner once or occasionally twice a week, but beyond that I don’t remember the last time we went OUT and drank, if that makes sense. We’re not big drinkers, as in we just don’t really do it much these days.

So back to last night: by the time everyone parted ways it was pretty late; I went upstairs and got our baby to sleep and got into bed and fell asleep. I was woken up a little bit later by him, trying to pull my pants off. I had a moment of jarred confusion, kind of laughed and pushed him off, but he was super persistent. I told him hey I’m sorry but I’m truly exhausted; I’m really just NOT in the mood, I’m asleep. He persists, keeps trying to clumsily grope me and pull my pants off. Maybe I should have just sucked it up and gone along with it, but honestly I just couldn’t get there mentally…I don’t even think I could stay awake for 5 more minutes. I was just done, and fully asleep. He continued, trying to talk me into it, being really pushy (which is generally out of character) and aggressive. He kept pushing (both with his words and with his hands). I was so tired and eventually I just kind of…gave in. I was lying there saying no, I don’t want to, let’s do it later. The problem is, when I stopped resisting it he just went all in and did it. As I was lying in here telling him: hey stop I don’t want to, I'm sorry but I really don’t feel like doing this right now. I don’t want you to do that. He ignored me and did it anyways, while I just laid there wishing for it to be over so I could fall asleep.

Of course; he finished and then sleep was the last thing I could do. I just laid there feeling so upset and angry. Today I feel even worse…I feel disgust and hatred; I can’t believe he did that, and that I let him. I can’t reconcile being anywhere near him, my body literally feels physical repulsion towards him

What do I do? I’m trying not to overreact but I also think the fact that he just used me for his pleasure while I was so very clearly NOT into it (and was in fact actively telling him I didn’t want to do it) is really bothersome, and i’m having a hard time just shaking it off. We finally had a minute tonight, and when he asked why I was being weird he then claimed he didn’t remember what happened last night. I just feel so crappy and bleh, I don’t even know what to say or think. I wish I could just use logic to tell myself how to feel, but the fact is that I just feel upset at the mere thought of him right now, and I don’t know how to move forward

OP i understand your feelings but i dont think your husband raped you. That doesnt mean your feelings arent valid, but the crazies here on DCUM are giving bad advice as usual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your husband is capable of raping you, he is capable of harming and abusing your child. He is a violent abuser. He will harm you more, he will harm your child. Get out, get help.

Listen, I agree that what he did was rape. But I don’t agree with your unhelpful hyperbole. This incident doesn’t make her husband more likely to abuse her children and you saying so just adds another layer of confusion, etc. to what OP is trying to process. OP, I’m very sorry for what happened. I can relate to your feelings of trying to determine if your feelings are valid and then figure out the correct action. Like there is a “right way” to handle this. There is no right way. Go to counseling and allow yourself to feel the way you feel. It is okay.

DP, I disagree. A man who feels free to sexually assault his wife may think other laws and norms of decent behavior don't apply to him. Especially the kind of weak, self centered man who tries to hide behind "I was drunk and don't remember" as an excuse rather than taking responsibility.

OP, he may drink more than you know. Him getting loud, etc. reminds me of threads on here re: DH drank in secret so would seem more drunk than the "amount seen" warranted.

Drinking reduces inhibitions, a man who truly respected his wife and family would not have behaved that way.

Not a lot of great options for you, OP. Reach out to a sex assault or dv hotline for support and a therapist referral. Trauma can't be compartmentalized forever and it can really impact you and your kids in insidious ways if not processed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:<<trigger warning, discussion of marital sexual coercion>>

I’ll try to keep this short and to the point. I’m having a hard time processing, and don’t know what to do or how to move forward here. I’m 38F, I’ve been with my husband for 15 years and married for 10. 3 kids; we just had our third 2 months ago. Our sex life has admittedly been lackluster since then - partially just because of exhaustion, on both of our parts…it’s not like he’s been trying regularly and I’ve been rejecting him over and over. We’ve had sex 5 or 6 times since I gave birth…all at his initiative, admittedly. I think he tried to initiate one other time, and I wasn’t feeling it but we did it the next morning. Honestly I currently have zero drive; I’m nursing and I’m sure that’s a big part of it. Also just very newly postpartum, body feels foreign and I’m not getting enough sleep and I’m stressed and touched out.
All the normal stuff. We’ve never been a SUPER high frequency sex couple either…generally 3-4 times/month, and that’s been the case since very early on in the relationship. I feel like I’m giving way too much background here; just trying to provide some context

Anyways. Last night we went out with my brother & his gf and my sister & her husband. We were all drinking; no one in excess but we all had 3-5 drinks over the course of the whole evening. I wasn’t monitoring, but find it likely that my husband and my sister’s husband were drinking doubles at least the second half of the night, so feasibly more like 8 drinks (over the course of 5-6 hours). My husband held it together most of the night, although by the end of the night when we were all hanging out and chatting it was definitely clear he was under the influence - nothing crazy, he wasn’t sloppy or belligerent…just talking too loudly/animatedly, repeating himself a bit, that kind of thing. He wasn’t (seemingly) much drunker than anyone else or anything. I’ll also note that he doesn’t drink a ton, neither do I - we do drink socially, but currently just have a LOT going on so I’d say both of us have a night where we have 1-2 drinks at home/after dinner once or occasionally twice a week, but beyond that I don’t remember the last time we went OUT and drank, if that makes sense. We’re not big drinkers, as in we just don’t really do it much these days.

So back to last night: by the time everyone parted ways it was pretty late; I went upstairs and got our baby to sleep and got into bed and fell asleep. I was woken up a little bit later by him, trying to pull my pants off. I had a moment of jarred confusion, kind of laughed and pushed him off, but he was super persistent. I told him hey I’m sorry but I’m truly exhausted; I’m really just NOT in the mood, I’m asleep. He persists, keeps trying to clumsily grope me and pull my pants off. Maybe I should have just sucked it up and gone along with it, but honestly I just couldn’t get there mentally…I don’t even think I could stay awake for 5 more minutes. I was just done, and fully asleep. He continued, trying to talk me into it, being really pushy (which is generally out of character) and aggressive. He kept pushing (both with his words and with his hands). I was so tired and eventually I just kind of…gave in. I was lying there saying no, I don’t want to, let’s do it later. The problem is, when I stopped resisting it he just went all in and did it. As I was lying in here telling him: hey stop I don’t want to, I'm sorry but I really don’t feel like doing this right now. I don’t want you to do that. He ignored me and did it anyways, while I just laid there wishing for it to be over so I could fall asleep.

Of course; he finished and then sleep was the last thing I could do. I just laid there feeling so upset and angry. Today I feel even worse…I feel disgust and hatred; I can’t believe he did that, and that I let him. I can’t reconcile being anywhere near him, my body literally feels physical repulsion towards him

What do I do? I’m trying not to overreact but I also think the fact that he just used me for his pleasure while I was so very clearly NOT into it (and was in fact actively telling him I didn’t want to do it) is really bothersome, and i’m having a hard time just shaking it off. We finally had a minute tonight, and when he asked why I was being weird he then claimed he didn’t remember what happened last night. I just feel so crappy and bleh, I don’t even know what to say or think. I wish I could just use logic to tell myself how to feel, but the fact is that I just feel upset at the mere thought of him right now, and I don’t know how to move forward

OP i understand your feelings but i dont think your husband raped you. That doesnt mean your feelings arent valid, but the crazies here on DCUM are giving bad advice as usual.

She said no, she pushed him away. Repeatedly. He overpowered her and proceeded to rape her.