How to navigate sleeping arrangements for holidays

[Anonymous]

How has no one posted this yet? OP, you and your husband need to watch this. So good. 😂

[Anonymous]

Does your husband understand the boyfriend is raw-dogging his daughter on the regular elsewhere? They aren’t going to do it in a bedroom with family around. Too noisy. All he is doing is calling more attention to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If dad is a bit of an AH then it will be a pleasant break for them to go back to the hotel at night, sleep in in the morning and then spend a bit less time with him at your house. That's a win win for dad and the happy couple.

Keep in mind that when visiting parents after having lived apart it's highly likely that adult child does not really want to maximize time at parent's home. They need their own adulting private time. Also 25 min is not that far away, NBD.

100% this--was my first thought. They will be more comfortable. Even if they were sharing a room, a first (?) multiday visit to the SO's parents can be stressful, and having a little space will be great.

[Anonymous]

Your house, your rules. Both sets of our parents had this rule. Until you're married you don't get to share a room. Our parents did have guest rooms though. Our parents aren't conservative and are very moderate

DH and I completely understood and wouldn't have even asked.

I'm a millennial fwiw.

[Anonymous]

In my house, we would allow them to sleep in the same room. I want my kids to visit and I want them to want to visit and I want to make it enjoyable for them. If your 20 something kid has a boyfriend of one year, they feel comfortable sharing a room and your policy is just going to make them get a hotel or not come - as they have demonstrated.

I get your "morals" are different so that's fine - you can stick to your morals, but then the adult children will do as they prefer. I'd rather have my family together.

--mom of kids 22 and 18 and I let both of their long-term partners stay at my house over the holidays. I know many folks wouldn't but I also know those people's kids are not spending that much time at home. My home, my values.

[Anonymous]

OP, I suggest you zoom out a bit. This is not just about sleeping arrangements for a few nights. Your DH is mistaken to think it's about that. Of course she can go a few nights without sleeping next to her boyfriend. But that's not what this is about.

What your DD is doing is drawing some lines. She's out of college, she has a job and a place to live and an adult partner, and it's not a coincidence that she's now choosing to emphasize that she's an adult and she's going to make her own choices. Logistical choices, personal choices, MORAL choices. Because she is an adult. If she's been catering to a controlling, conservative father all her life-- and you've been enabling him-- then this change has been a long time coming. She's going to go on and make other choices-- where to live and work, who to marry, whether to be religious, whether to have children, how to raise those children-- all of life's biggest decisions! And she's going to make them on her own, outside the control of her father.

He can stamp his feet and shout "My roof, my roof!" but that's only going to get him less time with his daughter. Or he can accept that she's an adult who makes choices (just like he's an adult who makes choices), and it's going to stay that way so he better start accepting it politely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my house, we would allow them to sleep in the same room. I want my kids to visit and I want them to want to visit and I want to make it enjoyable for them. If your 20 something kid has a boyfriend of one year, they feel comfortable sharing a room and your policy is just going to make them get a hotel or not come - as they have demonstrated.

I get your "morals" are different so that's fine - you can stick to your morals, but then the adult children will do as they prefer. I'd rather have my family together.

--mom of kids 22 and 18 and I let both of their long-term partners stay at my house over the holidays. I know many folks wouldn't but I also know those people's kids are not spending that much time at home. My home, my values.

This is the crux of OPs DH issue. He wants to be able to control an adult and isn't happy that she's setting some boundaries.

[Anonymous]

OP, you asked how to handle this which sounds like you’re trying to navigate your husband being pissed off that dd made a choice he didn’t think she’d make.

It’s not on you to make everyone happy or to manage his feelings. You can call out your dh for being pissy. He doesn’t get to punish everyone because he couldn’t control his adult daughter: “Bob, you don’t get to punish Larla or the rest of us because she chose a different way to respect the rules you laid out for sleeping arrangements. She’s not doing it to punish us just like you didn’t impose the sleeping rule to punish her. Get it together and be happy that she’s home. And if you can’t do that, fake it.” 😬

You’ll have a perfectly fine time with your dd and the boyfriend. Driving 25 min each way is not that big of a deal. She’s making the transition into adulthood, and it’s hard on everyone. But you’ll all get through to the other side.

[Anonymous]

I would tell your DH it's not a "waste" of time and money if it gets them a break from his controlling attitude and difficulty coping. It sounds well worth it to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trying to navigate this and feeling caught in the middle.

My husband has always been on the conservative side. Our eldest daughter is 23 and living in NYC since after she graduated college. She has a good job and supports herself. She’s coming home for Christmas with her boyfriend, who is 25. They’ve been dating a year but this is his first time here since we’ve always visited them.

My husband said he had to sleep in the den, which has a pullout couch and glass doors, since my husband doesn’t feel comfortable with them sleeping in her room. I let my daughter know that and she balked. She then let me know that they’re just going to stay in a hotel. But the only one with affordable availability is 25 minutes away, each way, which means they will be here significantly less. My husband got angry about it and said she’ll barely be around and it feels disrespectful to him that they can’t go without sleeping in the same room to the point they’d waste visiting time and money on a hotel room. My daughter isn’t budging. How would you handle this?

Where did they stay when you visited? Did they stay together? Sleeping in the same bed? In their own place?
I don't get the indignation that "no daughter of mine will stay in a room with her unmarried bf!" if theyve clearly already been doing this. I 100% get your house, your rules, but would he say the same thing about your 45 y/o sister coming with her bf? Or what about sons? I agree with a pp who said this is largely a mysognistic view and would be different with male adult children.

[Anonymous]

I think spending a little money on this is her way to make the point. She has a job and a partner now. She doesn't have to let herself be financially pressured and controlled.

If she doesn't make much money, OP, then understand that it's really worth a lot to her to draw this line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trying to navigate this and feeling caught in the middle.

My husband has always been on the conservative side. Our eldest daughter is 23 and living in NYC since after she graduated college. She has a good job and supports herself. She’s coming home for Christmas with her boyfriend, who is 25. They’ve been dating a year but this is his first time here since we’ve always visited them.

My husband said he had to sleep in the den, which has a pullout couch and glass doors, since my husband doesn’t feel comfortable with them sleeping in her room. I let my daughter know that and she balked. She then let me know that they’re just going to stay in a hotel. But the only one with affordable availability is 25 minutes away, each way, which means they will be here significantly less. My husband got angry about it and said she’ll barely be around and it feels disrespectful to him that they can’t go without sleeping in the same room to the point they’d waste visiting time and money on a hotel room. My daughter isn’t budging. How would you handle this?

So he's trying to control where they sleep, and also their time and money. No thanks.

If people are willing to spend so much time and money to avoid staying at your house perhaps it's good to wonder why!

[Anonymous]

Is your husband always so quick to anger when he cant control people? When he doesnt get his way?

Good point from pp, NYC is expensive to live and if she supports herself this could be quite a stretch on her budget. She is making a point, and if Dad is going to keep being verbally and emotionally abusive to them, hes not going to like the amount he sees her in the future...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trying to navigate this and feeling caught in the middle.

My husband has always been on the conservative side. Our eldest daughter is 23 and living in NYC since after she graduated college. She has a good job and supports herself. She’s coming home for Christmas with her boyfriend, who is 25. They’ve been dating a year but this is his first time here since we’ve always visited them.

My husband said he had to sleep in the den, which has a pullout couch and glass doors, since my husband doesn’t feel comfortable with them sleeping in her room. I let my daughter know that and she balked. She then let me know that they’re just going to stay in a hotel. But the only one with affordable availability is 25 minutes away, each way, which means they will be here significantly less. My husband got angry about it and said she’ll barely be around and it feels disrespectful to him that they can’t go without sleeping in the same room to the point they’d waste visiting time and money on a hotel room. My daughter isn’t budging. How would you handle this?

Do you actually have an opinion of your own, or do you just want to minimize conflict?

I would do what you think is in the long-term best interest of your family, and I suggest that means helping your DH cope with the fact that his DD is an adult and will make his own choices. You can pressure her to give in this year, but she won't do that forever.

[Anonymous]

I get where your DH is coming from since 23 as it relates to other siblings. Frankly, now that it has been stated, I think it's going to be uncomfortable no matter what the outcome.

I would say DH was right (though only due to the younger kids) IF you had a separate room for the BF. But it would be a hard no for me to stay in a den with glass doors and a pull out couch.

No good solution here, especially since you really are setting up your daughter and her family staying in a hotel from now on.