Setting boundaries for carpooling

[Anonymous]

And by carpooling, I mean, I'd be helping another mom with no reciprocation...

Background: I have a chronic invisible illness. I manage it by being a SAHM, managing my stress levels, and not taking on too much. I have limited help (cleaning crew twice/month), and I do some volunteer work that I love.

DH has a new job that puts the full morning routine on me. Previously, he was able to help quite a bit, which was great - I generally sleep 30 minutes past the kids and am slow to warm up in the morning. I'll need to do all the morning stuff now, and I should be able to do it.

Kids have some very minor stuff going on, anxiety, etc - I know there's an easy answer "have the kids make their own b-fast and lunch", but part of our plan from the developmental ped is to make their mornings low stress.

So. DD has a new activity this year that meets before school. Think Girl on the Run, where it's an activity, but also a bit of a sense of belonging, so not just an extra random enrichment class.

I received a group e-mail saying "Betty" needs a ride in the mornings in order to participate. Betty lives on the next street and is the eldest in her large family. No one else in the activity lives nearby. Obviously, the thing to do is to volunteer to drive her. I mean, I feel so selfish for not responding immediately. But this just feels like extra stress on an already extra stressful morning. If "someone" (is there even anyone else who would do it?) can't bring Betty, then Betty can't participate.

What kind of boundaries can I set for bringing her in the morning? I'm imagining scenarios where we are running 5 minutes late, or when she isn't quite ready. What then? Betty's mom has her hands full (and her vehicle full) with her children, and can't take turns with me.

[Anonymous]

After reading your post, I thought it was going to be about your asking someone to take your daughter. I would not volunteer-- you have enough on your plate. If this person really wanted her child to do it, she could ask a friend to pick her up or hire a babysitter to do it.
It might be that after a few weeks, you might feel up to it once you are in your groove, but it might be too late for betty to sign up.

[Anonymous]

If you are sometimes running late, that is enough of an excuse for you not to be the one to take her.

If you do choose to take on the task, the rule should be that she should be ready and waiting for you so she can get into the car the moment you drive up to her house. You shouldn't have to turn off the car and come to the door or anything like that.

[Anonymous]

Is it an every day thing? If so, I understand your reservations, but if not, you might stretch yourself to do it, but be clear up front about boundaries. As in:

"Hi Betty's mom. I really want to help you out, but am worried about our ability to do so as we've got a lot on our plate in the mornings and some health issues we are dealing with. (if you are comfortable Bringing this up). If there's someone else who can help get Betty to school, that would probably be a better fit, but if not, I can pick Betty up on our way on Tuesdays and Thursday's. If I send a text when we leave, can you have her ready and waiting at the door?"

If it's really only a matter of running by her house a couple days a week, it's likely to be little skin off your back, and I've found that doing my part in the neighborhood 'village' has only been a good thing. I'm part of a much more complicated carpool deal, which I had major reservations about initially, but which has ended up being great for all parties - especially for the sense of community it has led to in our neighborhood. Of course though, if just the thought of it overwhelms you, it's better to just say no than to be resentful.

[Anonymous]

I have chronic health issues too and really struggle with it. No way I would agree to a situation like that. Either you rotate, or she pays you or you do not agree. Ultimately, mom is responsible for her kid. You do not work/at home for a reason which is very valid. No need to take on extra responsibilities if you are not able to do so right now.

(I prepack lunches at night - often making things to last the week. I also premake a few days worth of hot breakfast items like pancakes and just reheat them in the morning)

[Anonymous]

How far away does Betty live and how old is she? Can you drive her if she walks to your house and hips into your car?

[Anonymous]

i wouldn't do it based on your OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't put any more on your plate, and don't feel guilty about it.

[Anonymous]

It's not your job to ensure Betty can participate. Why would her mom even sign her up? SMH.

[Anonymous]

OP here. To answer a few questions.

Betty was enrolled last year, when the activity was at a different time. The coaches switched it. Betty would like to continue. DD likes Betty, who is a very nice girl.

Having her come to our house is a good idea. Don't know what to do if she isn't there on time, but if she is in the process of walking, she could for sure hop in my minivan and strap herself in. I'd look like the neighborhood creeper , but I'll live with that. It's a bit of a pain if DH is running around getting ready (he doesn't run around naked, but might in his boxers), but it's not every day or anything. I guess I could just tell her she can sit in our living room with a book until we are leaving. I won't want another child physically wandering the house at 7:45am...

It's tricky with an invisible illness. Thanks to all of you who sympathized and said I had enough on my plate. To the outside world, it doesn't look like that. It looks more like a SAHM with kids in school, who is a lousy housekeeper. Most of my volunteer work isn't at the school, so I don't even look like a PTA superstar or anything. When I do tell someone I'm sick, and I HATE to, they are always shocked. I "pass" pretty well as a healthy person.

[Anonymous]

Oh! I need to clarify that DH would ask me to bring him his clothes from downstairs or otherwise cover up. He wouldn't run around in boxers with another child in our house!!

[Anonymous]

Don't volunteer.

[Anonymous]

I do a reciprocating carpool and morning pickup is actually the easy part - I roll up outside, honk the horn, and the kid comes out and climbs in. Means being ready 15 min earlier because I have 2 kids to pick up and they're a little but out of my way, in your situation I'm guessing it would require an extra 5 min.

And personally I'd rather pick up at their house then have the child dropped off at mine. A kid walking in my house during morning craziness will disruptive in a way that having an extra booster just isn't.

And if you do this just have a clear expectation from Betty's mom that she'll roll with it if you're running late some morning and that Betty will skip too if your child is sick / you otherwise can't go.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it. It is stressing you out. People get in their head something is "the right thing to do" and they agree to all sorts of things that cause crazy stress. It it kind to do it? Yes! Is it selfish not to? No. You have an illness. Even if you didn't, if it was too overwhelming you still would have a reason not to offer.

It took me years to realize I need to do what I can handle and for each of us this is different. Yes, we need to do things for others, but we can decide what kind acts we want to do. There should be no guilt for saying no to what you cannot handle.

For example, some on here hate always being the host of playdates. I love it! One mom apologized to me and explained why she never has our child over (stuff going on at home). I told her there was no need to apologize. I enjoy hosting and it makes me happy to see the play well together. I am happy to call a friend going through a hard time and visit or bring a meal.

On the other hand, I hate driving other people's kids all over. I will drive them home after a playdate, but that's it. I can tell my own kid to keep it down or stop kicking or whatever, but I hate having to discipline another child in my car. I hate with a passion being a bridesmaid. I don't want to waste money on an ugly dress and pay for wedding showers and do all the bullshit. Never made anyone do it for me. If it's not a very close and dear friend, I just said no.

[Anonymous]

How often is this activity? Is it all year? Then i wouldn't do it. If it's just the fall, once a week? I would. I would also explain to the mom about your illness and how you are happy to help, but because of that, she simply has to be ready every day on time and ready go on time and if she can't for some reason then you will have to graciously step back.