Setting boundaries for carpooling

[Anonymous]

It is OK to know your own limits. You do not have to explain yourself to anyone. Just do not volunteer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do a reciprocating carpool and morning pickup is actually the easy part - I roll up outside, honk the horn, and the kid comes out and climbs in. Means being ready 15 min earlier because I have 2 kids to pick up and they're a little but out of my way, in your situation I'm guessing it would require an extra 5 min.

And personally I'd rather pick up at their house then have the child dropped off at mine. A kid walking in my house during morning craziness will disruptive in a way that having an extra booster just isn't.

And if you do this just have a clear expectation from Betty's mom that she'll roll with it if you're running late some morning and that Betty will skip too if your child is sick / you otherwise can't go.

The neighbors must love you honking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To answer a few questions.

Betty was enrolled last year, when the activity was at a different time. The coaches switched it. Betty would like to continue. DD likes Betty, who is a very nice girl.

Having her come to our house is a good idea. Don't know what to do if she isn't there on time, but if she is in the process of walking, she could for sure hop in my minivan and strap herself in. I'd look like the neighborhood creeper , but I'll live with that. It's a bit of a pain if DH is running around getting ready (he doesn't run around naked, but might in his boxers), but it's not every day or anything. I guess I could just tell her she can sit in our living room with a book until we are leaving. I won't want another child physically wandering the house at 7:45am...

It's tricky with an invisible illness. Thanks to all of you who sympathized and said I had enough on my plate. To the outside world, it doesn't look like that. It looks more like a SAHM with kids in school, who is a lousy housekeeper. Most of my volunteer work isn't at the school, so I don't even look like a PTA superstar or anything. When I do tell someone I'm sick, and I HATE to, they are always shocked. I "pass" pretty well as a healthy person.

You aren't alone. I don't volunteer for that kind of stuff because of everything you said. I'd like to for my child's friend but some days I just can't and either we don't go, reschedule or my mom or husband does it (they have car seats for our child but no spares - we do have spares). The parents know and are great about it.

[Anonymous]

It would not occur to me not to drive Betty if my own daughter was participating in the same activity. I would tell Betty's mom that I will arrive at her house at X:00 and would not be able to wait more than 5 minutes if Betty were running behind. If it turned out that Betty was chronically late, I would not have an issue discontinuing the carpool. I get that OP has busy mornings, but it doesn't sound like this will necessarily add to your stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do a reciprocating carpool and morning pickup is actually the easy part - I roll up outside, honk the horn, and the kid comes out and climbs in. Means being ready 15 min earlier because I have 2 kids to pick up and they're a little but out of my way, in your situation I'm guessing it would require an extra 5 min.

And personally I'd rather pick up at their house then have the child dropped off at mine. A kid walking in my house during morning craziness will disruptive in a way that having an extra booster just isn't.

And if you do this just have a clear expectation from Betty's mom that she'll roll with it if you're running late some morning and that Betty will skip too if your child is sick / you otherwise can't go.

The neighbors must love you honking.

What, you really honk?

[Anonymous]

Op ~ this mother isn't worrying about your child. Just because someone has a need doesn't mean you have to volunteer (some people have lots of needs. some people sign their kid up first, and worry about transportation later. And in that case it is NEVER your problem to solve)

Do what you want, volunteer or not. But the fact that this is a "problem" means you have a bigger problem: learn to say no.

[Anonymous]

If you only live a block away and are driving your own child there anyhow, I don't see how it's that big a deal to pick up the other child on your way.

You can tell the other parent that there may be times when you are running late, or have something else going on and can't do it, and they'll have to deal that.

If the other child is perpetually late, you can rescind the offer.

It shouldn't be that complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do a reciprocating carpool and morning pickup is actually the easy part - I roll up outside, honk the horn, and the kid comes out and climbs in. Means being ready 15 min earlier because I have 2 kids to pick up and they're a little but out of my way, in your situation I'm guessing it would require an extra 5 min.

And personally I'd rather pick up at their house then have the child dropped off at mine. A kid walking in my house during morning craziness will disruptive in a way that having an extra booster just isn't.

And if you do this just have a clear expectation from Betty's mom that she'll roll with it if you're running late some morning and that Betty will skip too if your child is sick / you otherwise can't go.

The neighbors must love you honking.

What, you really honk?

Please do not honk!
The neighbors are silently pissed at their neighbor for not telling you to stop it already!

[Anonymous]

What a tacky group email, especially if you are the only one in the vicinity. If Betty's mom wanted you (or anyone for that matter) to drive she should have asked privately beforehand.

[Anonymous]

OP, why did you mention that Betty is the eldest in her large family? Is that relevant to why her parents can not provide her transportation to the activity? And what is "large?" 12 kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a tacky group email, especially if you are the only one in the vicinity. If Betty's mom wanted you (or anyone for that matter) to drive she should have asked privately beforehand.

Thank you. Yes, I felt called out on this, though maybe the organizers weren't thinking about it.

And PP, I am trying not to get over-specific and identify myself, which is why I didn't give the number of younger children. But this is the reason Betty's mom can't drive her. If she were an only child, the mom could take her. But with multiple younger siblings, mom is overwhelmed and can't do the morning drop-off at that time.

[Anonymous]

Don't volunteer. BUT be prepared for comments because no one knows what is going on in your home. That is it not right, but I mention it because people seem to empathize with what they see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a tacky group email, especially if you are the only one in the vicinity. If Betty's mom wanted you (or anyone for that matter) to drive she should have asked privately beforehand.

Thank you. Yes, I felt called out on this, though maybe the organizers weren't thinking about it.

And PP, I am trying not to get over-specific and identify myself, which is why I didn't give the number of younger children. But this is the reason Betty's mom can't drive her. If she were an only child, the mom could take her. But with multiple younger siblings, mom is overwhelmed and can't do the morning drop-off at that time.

I see. Then I'm sorry but that's bs. I am the mom of several children (many on DCUM would consider us a large family) and you just have to woman up and take care of your own kids---not expect the village to do it for you. My husband is career military and when he has deployed, I've had to do it all myself. Yes, it's tough getting infants and toddlers and preschoolers into the van to bring the older siblings to their activities--but you do it so that your kid doesn't miss out on the things they want to do.
At the very least, Betty's mom could be offering a true carpool situation--she drives half and you drive half.
OP, don't feel pressured into the one-sided carpool!

[Anonymous]

Just say no. What's the big deal?

Or, say to the parent "We're leaving at 8 sharp each morning. If Ava wants us to drive her, she has to be here by then. If she's not here, we're leaving without her."

Be a bitch like me! It's SOOOOOO freeing. Plus, then when I'm nice, people get all excited and gush all about it.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, given the set up, I would not volunteer. Let Betty's mom ask you privately if she really needs it and hasn't figured out another solution.