Disagreement with DW over non-athletic 8yo

[Anonymous]

DS is more nerd than jock. He is into science and superheroes. He is also a regular kid with some social quirks. He doesn't have a passion for any sport, though he does enjoy it when he is out there, as long as he isn't being teased. He would always choose video games over going outside to play. We have had him in a variety of sports for good health habits, social opportunities and to see if there is a sport that he might enjoy. This summer he is in a very non-competitive sports camp. The camp has lots of non-sports activities. He has complained about getting teased and picked last for teams, and is now being excluded from games organized by other kids.

DW thinks that it is cruel to keep putting him in sporty environments, and that it will negatively effect his self esteem. I think it is important for DS to maintain a baseline, even if low level, relationship to sports, and to help him improve, rather than pull him out altogether. I have no fantasy of him being great at sports. I do think that sports are an important part of being a well-rounded person, and that we need to expose him to regular physical activity and the lessons to be learned from sports.

Anyone BTDT?

[Anonymous]

Raise the child you have, not the child you want.

If you must insist on trying to keep active in athletics, perhaps choose non-team activities.

E.g. Fencing, martial arts, etc. Sports that don't involve a ball.

[Anonymous]

Funny, I was just thinking about this today. My son is 8 and not great at sports. Up til this year, it never bothered him to be bad. He still had fun. This year, he's getting teased. And as a woman, I don't really know much about the need/role sports play in boys'/men's lives. It seems pretty important. And I wonder about the best way to approach this going forward.

Right now, my interim plan, is to try more individual sports. He had a lot of difficulty with baseball this past spring, but really enjoyed a beginning fencing class. I am going to sign him up for fencing again this fall.

He also seemed to enjoy tennis some, which he just tried this summer. I might work with that, too.

I'm more worried about the social aspect. Again, because sports seem to be so central to boys' social lives around here.

I'm not worried about the physical aspect. My kid runs and plays on playgrounds, swims, bikes. He's getting a lot of exercise just being a kid. So I feel no need to force that stuff.

Looking at the long-game, though, I do think it's important to expose kids to physical activity that they will enjoy later as adults. My son has swimming and biking, and they happen to be my favorites, too. And he doesn't need anyone else in order to enjoy those activities, unlike team sports.

So I agree with both of you in part. But I'd try to find another activity he may enjoy more. And wouldn't force sports that he's disliked in the past. He will get exposure to team sports in PE at school. So it's not all-or-nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Raise the child you have, not the child you want.

If you must insist on trying to keep active in athletics, perhaps choose non-team activities.

E.g. Fencing, martial arts, etc. Sports that don't involve a ball.

+1

My mom is super athletic and loves all sorts of sports, but she let me be my nerdy bookish self. As an adult, I've grow to appreciate activities like running and yoga, but team/ball sports will never be my thing.

Also consider: would you raise a girl the same way, or do you feel like a boy in particular needs to know sports?

[Anonymous]

i have a non-sports kid also. Although he doesn't like sports, he does love being outside and is into things like climbing, zip lining, swimming for fun, and 'agility' (lots of trampolines and climbing at the gym).
While I agree that your son needs to have some physical activity in his life, I also agree with your wife that continuing to force to engage in something he doesn't enjoy and he finds humiliating isn't constructive. In fact, I think you may be setting him up for an adult life of rejecting any activity due to bad associations and memories.
I would ask him for activities he thinks he would like to try. Maybe you just go walking on trails together each weekend, or bike riding as a family.

[Anonymous]

Leave him be and try again when he's bigger, more mature, more secure in himself, and better able to run/catch/kick, etc. He's still young. Plenty of people don't get into their sports until later. This starting so young thing is new.

Also, he sounds like plenty of kids that age.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I've been there, done that. Like a PP suggested, choose non-team sports. Your child dies not need a baseline because most of the friends he makes will be just like him (i.e. Not interested in sports).

My son (who is 11 and sounds a bit like yours) takes a class that's similar to a kids-level CrossFit. He learns about building strength, eating good foods, and doing natural movements that keep your body strong.

[Anonymous]

Your wife is correct.

Pull him out of team sports, put him in something like theater or scouts for teamwork and science olympiad or robotics for building a competitive fire.

Then, take him hiking, swimming, rock climbing, bike riding, etc with you for fitness and male bonding with dad (physical activity without the negativity of team sports). Make sure he understands the rules of sports just enough to follow along in PE and to discuss major championships/world cup/superbowl/etc so he is in touch socially.

You are approaching this wrong. Listen to your wife. She knows what she is talking about.

Not every boy needs sports, and for some, team sports are very destructive. Your job is to help him be a happy and fulfilled person, and sports are not necessary to achieve that.

Signed,
Mom of a jock, a boy who is not super athletic but loves the competitive culture and camraderie of sports, and one very smart and wonderful geek who failed at every sport he tried and knew himself well enough to let us know they weren't for him.

[Anonymous]

I have a son like this and know plenty of other children like this.

Please understand that:

1. They will never become good at team sports and will therefore always be teased and picked last, etc. Don't make him suffer like this.

2. Socialization and team cooperation can be learned in a multitude of non-team-sports environments. It could be chess club with competitions, robotics club with competitions, swim team or diving team, or any other sport that is individually scored, but done as a group.

3. Don't insist on the competitive aspect. My son hates competition. He is part of the audition-only Strathmore Children's choir. Non-competitive group activities are choir (Washington, Strathmore), acting, (Imagination Stage, Glen Echo) etc.

4. The most important aspect of parenting is focusing on your child's strengths, instead of lamenting your child's weaknesses. What are your son's passions, apart from video games? You could even enroll him in a coding class for kids, to create their own video games. Lots of logic and critical thinking skills built there.

5. To bolster physical fitness, have him work out with you every Sunday morning, or whatever time you have together. We go to the swimming pool every summer evening and do laps together as well as play. We bike to a distant playground as a family every weekend morning. I make him work on his core - push-ups, planks, ab work, etc.

You have to let go of your team sport focus and embrace more creative ways to make him attain his potential. Because it's not about your dreams. It's about him.

[Anonymous]

I can see asking him to choose some physical activity, but like PP I think he should have the option of a non-team sport. And sports camp for a non-sporty kid-that sucks and is going to make him more resistant in the future.

[Anonymous]

Just echoing the PPs -- play up your child's strengths. Listen to your child and sign him up for things he wants to do.

[Anonymous]

I think one thing you need to address is the camp and the teasing in camp and how they are picking teams. This is not acceptable.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We do play up his strengths and non-athletic talents. I guess I just think basic physical abilities are important to have. He has weaknesses in academic areas that we keep working on so that he has basic competence. I feel we should do that with sports too, rather then closing it out early. If he isn't playing recreational, non-competitive sports later, I want it to be because he doesn't want to, not because he doesn't feel he can. I would want the same for my daughter.

I sincerely admire his strengths and encourage his passions. But i do think part of my job is helping to round out his skills and interests. I will look into more individualized physical activities.

I agree that it is also worth talking to the camp about the teasing to see if it has gone too far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We do play up his strengths and non-athletic talents. I guess I just think basic physical abilities are important to have. He has weaknesses in academic areas that we keep working on so that he has basic competence. I feel we should do that with sports too, rather then closing it out early. If he isn't playing recreational, non-competitive sports later, I want it to be because he doesn't want to, not because he doesn't feel he can. I would want the same for my daughter.

I sincerely admire his strengths and encourage his passions. But i do think part of my job is helping to round out his skills and interests. I will look into more individualized physical activities.

I agree that it is also worth talking to the camp about the teasing to see if it has gone too far.

Team sports are unnecessary. Reading/writing/math/studying are very necessary. Completely different levels of importance.

Take him bike riding or hiking for fitness. Dump the team sports.

[Anonymous]

A sports camp for a non-sporty kid is cruel.

Next summer, try a camp that will attract kids similar to him but also give him positive experiences with sports. My similar kid loves TIC; half technology and half "sports." The sports are very relaxed and since all the campers are nerdy, there isn't the same teasing you'd find at an all-sports camp.