not sure how to help/advise a friend
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Anonymous
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An old friend of mine recently called me to pour out the tale of some troubles he's having with his wife. I'm his friend so not exactly unbiased in this matter and I'm curious about other perspectives, especially from couples in long-distance marriages.
They've been married for two decades and have grown children. Some years ago, he received an offer to go work abroad in a fantastic job that paid far more than he had been making here. They left but came back about a few years later because they were homesick for the U.S. For a couple of years he bounced around a couple of jobs that he ended up leaving because the industry he works in is far poorer shape here than it is elsewhere in the world, and as a last resort he called back his former employer who gladly took him back in an even better job. It was very difficult for her, if not downright impossible, to work abroad, which made her really unhappy, and after a couple of years of this she came back to the U.S and spent some time figuring out what she wanted to do career wise. She seems to have recently settled on something that satisfies her. He's been spending the last three years still working abroad and flying back to the U.S. as much as he can for holidays and get-togethers with his spouse, kids and family. As far as I can tell, she hasn't gone to visit him abroad at all in the last two years. His goal has been to ultimately come back here, and he asked his employer a year ago about getting posted back in the US, but hasn't gotten any positive vibes about this so far. I thought they were fine with this lifestyle but he told me that his wife has recently been complaining that he's distant and less emotionally connected to her when he comes back. She has told him that he needs to set a specific date to come back to the U.S. and that she feels he'll have no trouble finding a job here given his experience. She also feels that he prioritizes friends more than his family now and wants him to loosen some of those bonds as she feels they're contributing to the distance she says he's putting between himself and his wife. He's worried about his job prospects here and he sounded very hurt. I tend to think he's doing the best he can under the circumstances but like I said, I'm not objective. Thoughts? |
Anonymous
| OP, I wonder if your friend is having an affair? Could this be the case? |
Anonymous
| IF she has a newer job, she may not have the leave to visit. |
Anonymous
| Your friend is a selfish ass. Who picks a job over their spouse? He opted to leave his wife to move abroad. Happily married people don't do that. He's distant because he is literally distant...in another country. If he wants to stay married, then he needs to move home and live with his wife. Period. This isn't rocket science. |
Anonymous
This Tell him to move home, he is an idiot. |
Anonymous
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They've been doing a long-distance marriage for 3 years?!
He's not prioritizing their marriage. She's not interested in being abroad. It really is time to move home or divorce. |
Anonymous
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Long distance marriages are really, really hard to work, OP. yes, some couples do it and do it well, but in general, trying to have two separate lives while trying to live as a married unit, is almost impossible.
The "friends and family" thing becomes more complex when you're apart. He's home only for limited time, and like most people, wants to see friends and family during that window. His wife wants to see him, because she's been "running the show" for those weeks and needs a break. The difference comes in expectations of time - he tries to cram as much in while he's home, and she wants just a weekend for things to be "normal". If he's worried about job prospects, he needs to start considering alternatives or they have to work on that as a couple. If he has any prospects, even "lesser" here, and she has no prospects abroad, then he needs too be home. They've tried living abroad and it didn't work out. Compromise is everything in a marriage. It sounds as though this couples life has been in turmoil over his career for years. He needs to choose his perceived "career identity" or the family he created. |
Anonymous
| Three years is a long time to do international long distance. It sounds like he either needs to move home and recommit to his marriage or they need to split. |
Anonymous
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My husband got an offer in Saudi Arabia. No way in hell would I live there for "any" amount of time. I would not even visit. It would be soul-killing.
I don't know where he is, but I can empathize with his wife. If she's got a good job now, it seems he can take a pay cut to come back here, right? |
Anonymous
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what industry does he work in?
are his skills transferable to another type of job? if so, he could have been spending those years abroad working his ass off to shift to another career and make time to interview and network when he was home to see the wife. it doesnt seem as if hes putting a strong level of effort to come home. his passive attempt at asking his employer to move back to the US doesnt sound sincere. the fact he's not trying to find alternatives such as a career shift says something as well. im not going to throw out affair so loosely here. as a guy, i find it hard to believe that he is not working the hell out of his contacts and network to move back to US. if he insists on being abroad, why isnt he working any contacts where he is to help find something that his wife would like. he seems to be really really lazy in the approach he is taking to find a middle ground or something. you need to present your friend with the hard reality that hes not putting shit into the marriage and that he is too easily conceding that there is no way out of his circumstance. he needs to try harder for himself, wife, and marriage. if not, he'll be living abroad alone and wont have to worry about flying back to US since he wont have anyone to fly home to except his kids. |
Anonymous
To be clear, he didn't leave his wife to move abroad. They moved there together, tried coming back and he couldn't find jobs that would last because the industry he's in is is in pretty bad shape here. So they left again together, and after a while she decided she'd had enough and came back. And I can guarantee you he's not selfish. I'm not going to give additional details but there are things he's done for his spouse that few men would do. Not to mention the kindness he extends to others. I don't know how much they each make but I get a sense that his income is several times hers and is essential to maintaining their lifestyle (lots of travel for leisure and to visit family). I think it's also provided her with the ability to explore careers that would satisfy her without having to worry too much about earning a paycheck while he was earning the big bucks. He also loves the job he has right now and there's no guarantee a job here would be nearly as rewarding either psychologically or financially. |
Anonymous
Yep! He needs to start interviewing and finding a job at home. I would have divorced him the 2nd time he left me. |
Anonymous
There are things he's done for his spouse that few men would do? You've piqued my interest there, because I'm pretty skeptical of that. Bigger picture, though, all this stuff about their finances and how rewarding his career is still means he's prioritizing his career and lifestyle over his marriage. He can work out a plan with his wife to come back to the U.S. and retrain if needed to make a career change. But he has to be willing to do that. If he stays abroad because he's not willing to sacrifice the career satisfaction, then he needs to own his priorities. She tried to make living abroad work (twice) for him, now it's his turn to make a compromise for her. |
Anonymous
| Why don't you just fess up, OP? This is your personal situation, not a "friend's." If you feel entitled to stay in a different country, then you have to face the fact that you have likely chosen a divorce. Be ready to pay the price for the life you choose. |
Anonymous
Someone who can't find a job where his wife wants to live. |