Spouse IMing work colleagues into the evening

[Anonymous]

My spouse works late most evenings at home and while I'm sure spouse is working there is a fair bit of IMing going on between spouse and work colleagues as well. This wouldn't bother me except often when I walk by there is the quick reach for Alt-tab to switch away from the IM program. Maybe it's just reflex or a worry that a snippet of conversation will look bad out of context, but should I worry? Should I not even be looking at what spouse is doing in the first pace? What standard do we judge IM banter by?

I tend to think that if spouse wouldn't be comfortable having the IM conversation over the phone with me listening to spouses' end that perhaps the conversation shouldn't be happening over IM either. OTOH it could be mindless venting. Should I not even bring it up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse works late most evenings at home and while I'm sure spouse is working there is a fair bit of IMing going on between spouse and work colleagues as well. This wouldn't bother me except often when I walk by there is the quick reach for Alt-tab to switch away from the IM program. Maybe it's just reflex or a worry that a snippet of conversation will look bad out of context, but should I worry? Should I not even be looking at what spouse is doing in the first pace? What standard do we judge IM banter by?

I tend to think that if spouse wouldn't be comfortable having the IM conversation over the phone with me listening to spouses' end that perhaps the conversation shouldn't be happening over IM either. OTOH it could be mindless venting. Should I not even bring it up?

What messaging client? Work or public like Google or yahoo?

[Anonymous]

If they hide things like that a lot then you have reason to ask. Otherwise you are going worry and start snooping and that slippery slope.

[Anonymous]

I find it highly suspicious that your spouse is closing up the screen when you enter.

That in itself is a huge red flag that perhaps he isn't truly working like he tells you.

I smell a rat.

[Anonymous]

"So you've been doing a lot of IMing tonight. I noticed that every time I walk by, you hit the alt tab so the IM screen changes, as if you don't want me to see what you're typing. What's up with that, because my expectation is that you'd be comfortable IMing with me sitting right next to you. Are you?"

See where it goes.

Marriage is about transparency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"So you've been doing a lot of IMing tonight. I noticed that every time I walk by, you hit the alt tab so the IM screen changes, as if you don't want me to see what you're typing. What's up with that, because my expectation is that you'd be comfortable IMing with me sitting right next to you. Are you?"

See where it goes.

Marriage is about transparency.

This. Be honest with your feelings and hopefully he will be honest with you.

I would however bring this up while he is "working / messaging". Then he can pull up messages straight away and doesn't have time to delete etc.

[Anonymous]

Is spouse male or female?

[Anonymous]

It could be a security issue with the employer, you have to watch what you discuss with anyone.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure spouse is IMing with coworkers and not someone else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is spouse male or female?

Why does this matter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is spouse male or female?

Why does this matter?

So they can decide who to side with, probably.

Regardless of genders I find this a bit suspicions. It may be nothing, but hiding texts and IM's is the sort of thing that should raise a red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It could be a security issue with the employer, you have to watch what you discuss with anyone.

If this is the case, it's a pretty easy answer to the question formulated by the PP above.

OP, is this behavior new?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"So you've been doing a lot of IMing tonight. I noticed that every time I walk by, you hit the alt tab so the IM screen changes, as if you don't want me to see what you're typing. What's up with that, because my expectation is that you'd be comfortable IMing with me sitting right next to you. Are you?"

See where it goes.

Marriage is about transparency.

I guess I disagree with that. While I don't IM with colleagues at work I wouldn't want my spouse to see, for example, my texts with my sister or my mom nor do I think my spouse has a right to see them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"So you've been doing a lot of IMing tonight. I noticed that every time I walk by, you hit the alt tab so the IM screen changes, as if you don't want me to see what you're typing. What's up with that, because my expectation is that you'd be comfortable IMing with me sitting right next to you. Are you?"

See where it goes.

Marriage is about transparency.

I guess I disagree with that. While I don't IM with colleagues at work I wouldn't want my spouse to see, for example, my texts with my sister or my mom nor do I think my spouse has a right to see them.

I don't think your spouse needs to see or read them, but actively hiding something is different than a basic expectation of privacy. I don't want me SO to be reading my conversations, but if he saw a snippet or a piece of one while walking by or sitting next to me it wouldn't cause me to freak and hide my phone. That is suspicious behavior like I have something to hide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"So you've been doing a lot of IMing tonight. I noticed that every time I walk by, you hit the alt tab so the IM screen changes, as if you don't want me to see what you're typing. What's up with that, because my expectation is that you'd be comfortable IMing with me sitting right next to you. Are you?"

See where it goes.

Marriage is about transparency.

I guess I disagree with that. While I don't IM with colleagues at work I wouldn't want my spouse to see, for example, my texts with my sister or my mom nor do I think my spouse has a right to see them.

I don't think your spouse needs to see or read them, but actively hiding something is different than a basic expectation of privacy. I don't want me SO to be reading my conversations, but if he saw a snippet or a piece of one while walking by or sitting next to me it wouldn't cause me to freak and hide my phone. That is suspicious behavior like I have something to hide.

I agree with respect to your point and how it relates to the OP's post but I was responding specifically to the poster above me (see in bold).