Spouse IMing work colleagues into the evening

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"So you've been doing a lot of IMing tonight. I noticed that every time I walk by, you hit the alt tab so the IM screen changes, as if you don't want me to see what you're typing. What's up with that, because my expectation is that you'd be comfortable IMing with me sitting right next to you. Are you?"

See where it goes.

Marriage is about transparency.

I guess I disagree with that. While I don't IM with colleagues at work I wouldn't want my spouse to see, for example, my texts with my sister or my mom nor do I think my spouse has a right to see them.

This isn't about "rights." It's about a marriage where two people are committed to engage in an honest and intimate relationship. Should you have a relationship with your sister and mom where you can turn to them about advice about something in your marriage? Sure. But you shouldn't be texting them something you'd regret your spouse seeing. If that's the case, then there is a real problem that you need to address directly with your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"So you've been doing a lot of IMing tonight. I noticed that every time I walk by, you hit the alt tab so the IM screen changes, as if you don't want me to see what you're typing. What's up with that, because my expectation is that you'd be comfortable IMing with me sitting right next to you. Are you?"

See where it goes.

Marriage is about transparency.

I guess I disagree with that. While I don't IM with colleagues at work I wouldn't want my spouse to see, for example, my texts with my sister or my mom nor do I think my spouse has a right to see them.

This isn't about "rights." It's about a marriage where two people are committed to engage in an honest and intimate relationship. Should you have a relationship with your sister and mom where you can turn to them about advice about something in your marriage? Sure. But you shouldn't be texting them something you'd regret your spouse seeing. If that's the case, then there is a real problem that you need to address directly with your spouse.

I still disagree. There can be any number of things I'm texting with them about that I wouldn't want my spouse to see, mostly things that relate to my mom or sister. Issues my sister is having in her marriage, for example, is something I would regret my spouse seeing. Health issues my mom might be having would be another.

[Anonymous]

OP - that does seem troublesome.

[Anonymous]

Flirting...plain and simple. Possibly cheating, but definitely flirting.

[Anonymous]

It's probably nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"So you've been doing a lot of IMing tonight. I noticed that every time I walk by, you hit the alt tab so the IM screen changes, as if you don't want me to see what you're typing. What's up with that, because my expectation is that you'd be comfortable IMing with me sitting right next to you. Are you?"

See where it goes.

Marriage is about transparency.

I guess I disagree with that. While I don't IM with colleagues at work I wouldn't want my spouse to see, for example, my texts with my sister or my mom nor do I think my spouse has a right to see them.

This isn't about "rights." It's about a marriage where two people are committed to engage in an honest and intimate relationship. Should you have a relationship with your sister and mom where you can turn to them about advice about something in your marriage? Sure. But you shouldn't be texting them something you'd regret your spouse seeing. If that's the case, then there is a real problem that you need to address directly with your spouse.

I still disagree. There can be any number of things I'm texting with them about that I wouldn't want my spouse to see, mostly things that relate to my mom or sister. Issues my sister is having in her marriage, for example, is something I would regret my spouse seeing. Health issues my mom might be having would be another.

You wouldn't share your sister/mother's business with your spouse? That's super, super weird.

[Anonymous]

The alt-tab thing is a problem. My husband works late in the evenings sometimes but I have seen his texts with coworkers, emails, etc. He is sometimes a little careful, saying "sorry, this is client-confidential" bc he's a lawyer, but he's not hiding anything from me.

[Anonymous]

Update op?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"So you've been doing a lot of IMing tonight. I noticed that every time I walk by, you hit the alt tab so the IM screen changes, as if you don't want me to see what you're typing. What's up with that, because my expectation is that you'd be comfortable IMing with me sitting right next to you. Are you?"

See where it goes.

Marriage is about transparency.

I guess I disagree with that. While I don't IM with colleagues at work I wouldn't want my spouse to see, for example, my texts with my sister or my mom nor do I think my spouse has a right to see them.

This isn't about "rights." It's about a marriage where two people are committed to engage in an honest and intimate relationship. Should you have a relationship with your sister and mom where you can turn to them about advice about something in your marriage? Sure. But you shouldn't be texting them something you'd regret your spouse seeing. If that's the case, then there is a real problem that you need to address directly with your spouse.

I still disagree. There can be any number of things I'm texting with them about that I wouldn't want my spouse to see, mostly things that relate to my mom or sister. Issues my sister is having in her marriage, for example, is something I would regret my spouse seeing. Health issues my mom might be having would be another.

You wouldn't share your sister/mother's business with your spouse? That's super, super weird.

Some things are told in confidence.

[Anonymous]

Mine used to, I took it lightly, turns out he was cheating. We're now divorced. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be a dick, but don't be trusting like I was.

[Anonymous]

Sooooo.... yeah. This is worth checking out. If it's actually happening, it's odd behavior. It's also certainly true that perhaps you've just misjudged or perceived his behavior. Either way, you already have an alarm bell in your head so why not pursue it a little? Sad to say, I generally think most of us who have been in long-term relationships know the other person well enough that we can feel when things are a little off. If I were you, I'd investigate it. There are more than a few points in my life where I wish I had trusted my gut. I know this isn't the "morally upright" thing to do, but after having been cheated on and lied to by two long-term significant others, I'd just rather get to the facts so I can deal with them and skip the pain and frustration of the "I know you're cheating but since I asked you about it, you've just gotten better at hiding it" nonsense. Besides... Let's be honest... how many of you, if you were flirting with a co-worker on IM (innocently you tell yourself) and your spouse walks by and says "hey--I notice you shut your IM down every time I walk by. It makes me think you're IM'ing inappropriately. Are you doing something inappropriate?" would fess up??? REALLY?

So people can flame me all I want, but I say you look at his IM conversations as soon as possible and at a couple of different times. (Unless you know your husband is dealing with highly privileged, confidential information that you are criminally forbidden from viewing...as in top security clearance shit... there is no reason you can't look at it.) Maybe he's doing absolutely nothing and you've just saved your marriage from the bizarre, uncomfortable and likely argument-inducing conversation where you ask him what he's writing and he says nothing and you don't believe him and he knows that and is upset by it. Or maybe he's writing some vaguely flirty stuff that he shouldn't be writing but which, after taking some time to breathe, you can address with him before it gets too out of hand. Or maybe he's in the middle of a full-blown emotional affair, which is incredibly damaging to a marriage but likely survivable. Or maybe it's a physical affair as well (which is also survivable for some). I truly wish we all fell in love with people who didn't pull this stupid flirting with other people shit, or with people who would leave before they cheat. I truly wish we all fell in love with people who, when confronted with shifty behavior in a rational way would just respond truthfully and with equivalent rationality. But we don't. Not all of us, anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"So you've been doing a lot of IMing tonight. I noticed that every time I walk by, you hit the alt tab so the IM screen changes, as if you don't want me to see what you're typing. What's up with that, because my expectation is that you'd be comfortable IMing with me sitting right next to you. Are you?"

See where it goes.

Marriage is about transparency.

I guess I disagree with that. While I don't IM with colleagues at work I wouldn't want my spouse to see, for example, my texts with my sister or my mom nor do I think my spouse has a right to see them.

This isn't about "rights." It's about a marriage where two people are committed to engage in an honest and intimate relationship. Should you have a relationship with your sister and mom where you can turn to them about advice about something in your marriage? Sure. But you shouldn't be texting them something you'd regret your spouse seeing. If that's the case, then there is a real problem that you need to address directly with your spouse.

I still disagree. There can be any number of things I'm texting with them about that I wouldn't want my spouse to see, mostly things that relate to my mom or sister. Issues my sister is having in her marriage, for example, is something I would regret my spouse seeing. Health issues my mom might be having would be another.

You wouldn't share your sister/mother's business with your spouse? That's super, super weird.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"So you've been doing a lot of IMing tonight. I noticed that every time I walk by, you hit the alt tab so the IM screen changes, as if you don't want me to see what you're typing. What's up with that, because my expectation is that you'd be comfortable IMing with me sitting right next to you. Are you?"

See where it goes.

Marriage is about transparency.

I guess I disagree with that. While I don't IM with colleagues at work I wouldn't want my spouse to see, for example, my texts with my sister or my mom nor do I think my spouse has a right to see them.

This isn't about "rights." It's about a marriage where two people are committed to engage in an honest and intimate relationship. Should you have a relationship with your sister and mom where you can turn to them about advice about something in your marriage? Sure. But you shouldn't be texting them something you'd regret your spouse seeing. If that's the case, then there is a real problem that you need to address directly with your spouse.

I still disagree. There can be any number of things I'm texting with them about that I wouldn't want my spouse to see, mostly things that relate to my mom or sister. Issues my sister is having in her marriage, for example, is something I would regret my spouse seeing. Health issues my mom might be having would be another.

You wouldn't share your sister/mother's business with your spouse? That's super, super weird.

Some things are told in confidence.

Sorry, but if you tell me something, you can't ask me to keep it from my spouse. We don't keep secrets. I may not choose to tell my spouse something, but that's not the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Update op?

Been traveling so no opportunity to follow up with spouse.

[Anonymous]

OP here - the other issue that bothers me about this is that it is time taken away from being together. Thus, work that would take 30 minutes takes 45 with the IMs. An hour becomes an hour and 20. Etc.