Has anyone's child "come out" but later realized they were straight?

[Anonymous]

Our 15 yr DD recently came out as gay. We fully support her in whoever she is and chooses, however, I'm not sure if it's "real" or just a byproduct of going to a small, liberal, arts school where everyone seems to be bi, gay, transgender, pan, a, etc. We are very close, and I just never had the impression she was gay. However, with my sister for example, I suspected from a young age that she was. Curious if anyone has been through this and their child ended up hetero afterall?

[Anonymous]

I'm asking the same question about DS. I'm assuming he's gay because he says he's gay, but it doesn't jibe with crushes he's had on girls. I'm cool with him being gay.

[Anonymous]

Who knows, everyone is different -- what happened to someone else's child probably isn't transferrable to yours.

Just enjoy your daughter and trust her to know herself. Doubting her might make her doubt herself (who knows, maybe your need to question her resolve about things like this is something she has experienced before and has undermined her confidence in asserting who she is now). Best to back off and support her no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our 15 yr DD recently came out as gay. We fully support her in whoever she is and chooses, however, I'm not sure if it's "real" or just a byproduct of going to a small, liberal, arts school where everyone seems to be bi, gay, transgender, pan, a, etc. We are very close, and I just never had the impression she was gay. However, with my sister for example, I suspected from a young age that she was. Curious if anyone has been through this and their child ended up hetero afterall?

It's real for now, that's what matters, not a hypothetical future. I wouldn't worry about it, just deal with new facts if they emerge.

[Anonymous]

My family was open and wouldn't have minded if my sister was lesbian or straight. She kept telling us in hs that she was a lesbian, but now in her 20's she's living with her boyfriend. Maybe that means she's bi. I'm not sure. I guess you just go with what the person tells you until told otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our 15 yr DD recently came out as gay. We fully support her in whoever she is and chooses, however, I'm not sure if it's "real" or just a byproduct of going to a small, liberal, arts school where everyone seems to be bi, gay, transgender, pan, a, etc. We are very close, and I just never had the impression she was gay. However, with my sister for example, I suspected from a young age that she was. Curious if anyone has been through this and their child ended up hetero afterall?

You're probably going to get some mean responses so I'm glad I'm the first to weigh in. My SD could have gone to the same school as yours. Exact same scenario (except she came out as bi). Agreed that it makes no difference to me or her parents what her sexual orientation is. But I've known her since she was 11 (just starting to like boys, had crushes, asked me about boys ALL the time). In 9th grade she started at her new school where all her friends (and I do mean all) were either gay, bi, gender-fluid or pan sexual. Within a few weeks of hanging out with them she came out as bisexual.

She's mostly had boyfriends, a few girlfriends who seemed more like buddies to me than girlfriends (though it could just be that those girls were less physically affectionate in public with her than her boyfriends were). Anyway I know her pretty well and think she just really wanted to fit in and have a "tribe" in high school (she was bullied and didn't have a lot of friends in middle school). Again, either way it doesn't matter but I think when she goes off to college or after she graduates or whenever she ends up finding a life partner, it'll be a straight relationship.

[Anonymous]

I have a cousin who lived with a woman for years and is now married to a man with a new baby. I have another relation by marriage who had a baby, dated several unfortunate men, moved to another state with her girlfriend, and has now moved back and is dating more unfortunate men.

I'm not close to either, but I've heard about who they've been seeing/living with.

[Anonymous]

Sexuality is fluid. Maybe she will start being attracted to men later, maybe not. Who cares? Don't suggest to her that she might "change her mind" later, but if she does, let her know that you love her no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our 15 yr DD recently came out as gay. We fully support her in whoever she is and chooses, however, I'm not sure if it's "real" or just a byproduct of going to a small, liberal, arts school where everyone seems to be bi, gay, transgender, pan, a, etc. We are very close, and I just never had the impression she was gay. However, with my sister for example, I suspected from a young age that she was. Curious if anyone has been through this and their child ended up hetero afterall?

You're probably going to get some mean responses so I'm glad I'm the first to weigh in. My SD could have gone to the same school as yours. Exact same scenario (except she came out as bi). Agreed that it makes no difference to me or her parents what her sexual orientation is. But I've known her since she was 11 (just starting to like boys, had crushes, asked me about boys ALL the time). In 9th grade she started at her new school where all her friends (and I do mean all) were either gay, bi, gender-fluid or pan sexual. Within a few weeks of hanging out with them she came out as bisexual.

She's mostly had boyfriends, a few girlfriends who seemed more like buddies to me than girlfriends (though it could just be that those girls were less physically affectionate in public with her than her boyfriends were). Anyway I know her pretty well and think she just really wanted to fit in and have a "tribe" in high school (she was bullied and didn't have a lot of friends in middle school). Again, either way it doesn't matter but I think when she goes off to college or after she graduates or whenever she ends up finding a life partner, it'll be a straight relationship.

I swear no one had weighed yet when I started typing my, admittedly windy, reply.

[Anonymous]

I have two friends who were out from the time they were teenagers until their early to mid 30s, after having long term relationships strictly with other women - and each ended up marrying a guy. I have another female friend who was always straight as far as we could all tell, and then recently starting dating a woman. These things aren't always certain. Just love her for who she is now and at any given moment in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sexuality is fluid. Maybe she will start being attracted to men later, maybe not. Who cares? Don't suggest to her that she might "change her mind" later, but if she does, let her know that you love her no matter what.

I consider myself pretty liberal, but I would say "for some people, sexuality can be fluid". Most people's sexuality is not fluid.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused by this thread. It's seems contrary to the message we've been getting from the gay community for years. Namely that being gay is not a choice, a person is born gay or not, and external factors cannot influence gayness or "turn someone gay".

That doesn't seem to be true though in light of this discussion.

[Anonymous]

One of my SILs came out as gay in high school. Not a surprise to most people, and all of her relationships have been with women.

Another SIL doesn't consider herself gay. Neither does her live-in girlfriend of over a year. SIL has never had another serious relationship, but as far as I know, all of her other crushes have been guys. To each their own!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused by this thread. It's seems contrary to the message we've been getting from the gay community for years. Namely that being gay is not a choice, a person is born gay or not, and external factors cannot influence gayness or "turn someone gay".

That doesn't seem to be true though in light of this discussion.

They want everyone to think that sexuality is fluid so that everyone is the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused by this thread. It's seems contrary to the message we've been getting from the gay community for years. Namely that being gay is not a choice, a person is born gay or not, and external factors cannot influence gayness or "turn someone gay".

That doesn't seem to be true though in light of this discussion.

I think that the message being received from this thread is that sexuality can be fluid for a lot of people and that teenagers in particular are discovering their sexuality. It has also been my experience that teenagers adopt many things in order to feel comfortable with their peers, which I would also classify as experimentation. I think that what the OP and PPs are describing are instances of sexual expression, not instances of actual intrinsic sexuality. People who experiment sexually or romantically with members of the same gender/sex may describe themselves as gay, queer, bisexual or whatever. What they're not going to do is describe themselves as straight.

I've been married to a man for years, but because I have had relationships with women and find women sexually attractive and would probably prefer a relationship with a woman if DH and I ever split, I do not self-identify as heterosexual.