Has anyone's child "come out" but later realized they were straight?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our 15 yr DD recently came out as gay. We fully support her in whoever she is and chooses, however, I'm not sure if it's "real" or just a byproduct of going to a small, liberal, arts school where everyone seems to be bi, gay, transgender, pan, a, etc. We are very close, and I just never had the impression she was gay. However, with my sister for example, I suspected from a young age that she was. Curious if anyone has been through this and their child ended up hetero afterall?

You're probably going to get some mean responses so I'm glad I'm the first to weigh in. My SD could have gone to the same school as yours. Exact same scenario (except she came out as bi). Agreed that it makes no difference to me or her parents what her sexual orientation is. But I've known her since she was 11 (just starting to like boys, had crushes, asked me about boys ALL the time). In 9th grade she started at her new school where all her friends (and I do mean all) were either gay, bi, gender-fluid or pan sexual. Within a few weeks of hanging out with them she came out as bisexual.

She's mostly had boyfriends, a few girlfriends who seemed more like buddies to me than girlfriends (though it could just be that those girls were less physically affectionate in public with her than her boyfriends were). Anyway I know her pretty well and think she just really wanted to fit in and have a "tribe" in high school (she was bullied and didn't have a lot of friends in middle school). Again, either way it doesn't matter but I think when she goes off to college or after she graduates or whenever she ends up finding a life partner, it'll be a straight relationship.

OP here. This is our situation completely! I've heard her talk about boys for so long, this statement from her really through me for a loop. I wonder if it is the same school. Thanks for sharing your experience. We'll just continue to support her and see what happens.

NP here. You two sound just like my mother when I came out, and your daughters sound just like me when I was younger. I had "crushes" on boys because that was what I thought was expected/normal, but I had no real interest in them on a significant level. You might consider the fact that your kids are being honest with you now and felt that they had to put on a facade of being boy crazy earlier because that's what socially accepted.

I would encourage you to not tell your kids that you're "ok" with their sexuality but think they might actually be straight; that will only confuse them more and cause them to doubt themselves. I struggled with that a lot (not fitting into the stereotypical box of a lesbian) and my mother's constant doubts and questioning only made me engage in dangerous -- and not all that fun -- sexual escapades with both men and women as I tried to sort what I KNEW was true versus what she was telling me she KNEW I was, since mothers know best or whatever. Gay people don't all fit into a box, sexuality is fluid (more so for women than men) but if you're truly "ok with it," you wouldn't be on here looking for advice because you wouldn't have an issue in the first place. You need to admit that you're not ok with it and deal with that yourself.

Exactly. When my kid told me she was "bi," I thought it was a fashion thing because she had had such crushes on boys in elementary school. But it turns out that that was what she thought she was supposed to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused by this thread. It's seems contrary to the message we've been getting from the gay community for years. Namely that being gay is not a choice, a person is born gay or not, and external factors cannot influence gayness or "turn someone gay".

That doesn't seem to be true though in light of this discussion.

Of course it's not true, and it never was true. It's all part of the gay agenda to force the culture down our throats and make us all accepting of it. Now they are just getting caught by trying to have it both ways.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our 15 yr DD recently came out as gay. We fully support her in whoever she is and chooses, however, I'm not sure if it's "real" or just a byproduct of going to a small, liberal, arts school where everyone seems to be bi, gay, transgender, pan, a, etc. We are very close, and I just never had the impression she was gay. However, with my sister for example, I suspected from a young age that she was. Curious if anyone has been through this and their child ended up hetero afterall?

It's real for now, that's what matters, not a hypothetical future. I wouldn't worry about it, just deal with new facts if they emerge.

Sorry, but you can't have it both ways. Whatever happened to, "they were born this way," "who would choose to be gay," "they can't choose being gay any more than you can choose being straight," blah blah blah.

OP, sounds like your DD needs some real parental guidance. There is no way I'd let my 15 year old get mixed up with this.

You can be born bisexual/pansexual/asexual/heterosexual/homosexual

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our 15 yr DD recently came out as gay. We fully support her in whoever she is and chooses, however, I'm not sure if it's "real" or just a byproduct of going to a small, liberal, arts school where everyone seems to be bi, gay, transgender, pan, a, etc. We are very close, and I just never had the impression she was gay. However, with my sister for example, I suspected from a young age that she was. Curious if anyone has been through this and their child ended up hetero afterall?

You're probably going to get some mean responses so I'm glad I'm the first to weigh in. My SD could have gone to the same school as yours. Exact same scenario (except she came out as bi). Agreed that it makes no difference to me or her parents what her sexual orientation is. But I've known her since she was 11 (just starting to like boys, had crushes, asked me about boys ALL the time). In 9th grade she started at her new school where all her friends (and I do mean all) were either gay, bi, gender-fluid or pan sexual. Within a few weeks of hanging out with them she came out as bisexual.

She's mostly had boyfriends, a few girlfriends who seemed more like buddies to me than girlfriends (though it could just be that those girls were less physically affectionate in public with her than her boyfriends were). Anyway I know her pretty well and think she just really wanted to fit in and have a "tribe" in high school (she was bullied and didn't have a lot of friends in middle school). Again, either way it doesn't matter but I think when she goes off to college or after she graduates or whenever she ends up finding a life partner, it'll be a straight relationship.

OP here. This is our situation completely! I've heard her talk about boys for so long, this statement from her really through me for a loop. I wonder if it is the same school. Thanks for sharing your experience. We'll just continue to support her and see what happens.

NP here. You two sound just like my mother when I came out, and your daughters sound just like me when I was younger. I had "crushes" on boys because that was what I thought was expected/normal, but I had no real interest in them on a significant level. You might consider the fact that your kids are being honest with you now and felt that they had to put on a facade of being boy crazy earlier because that's what socially accepted.

I would encourage you to not tell your kids that you're "ok" with their sexuality but think they might actually be straight; that will only confuse them more and cause them to doubt themselves. I struggled with that a lot (not fitting into the stereotypical box of a lesbian) and my mother's constant doubts and questioning only made me engage in dangerous -- and not all that fun -- sexual escapades with both men and women as I tried to sort what I KNEW was true versus what she was telling me she KNEW I was, since mothers know best or whatever. Gay people don't all fit into a box, sexuality is fluid (more so for women than men) but if you're truly "ok with it," you wouldn't be on here looking for advice because you wouldn't have an issue in the first place. You need to admit that you're not ok with it and deal with that yourself.

Exactly. When my kid told me she was "bi," I thought it was a fashion thing because she had had such crushes on boys in elementary school. But it turns out that that was what she thought she was supposed to do.

So is it possible or not, that someone who wouldn't normally be gay in another situation, to then claim they were gay or think they were gay because they were surrounded by lots of gay people and felt it was desirable/cool or thought it was what they were "supposed to do"?

I'm just curious because the message from the gay community over the last 20 years or so as they have fought for acceptance and equal rights was that you could not influence people toward (or against) gayness. In fact, religious folks implying that teaching gay acceptance in school may lead some children into choosing to be gay were largely shouted down as ignorant bigots. But it seems to me in light of the shifting attitudes about homosexuality that you can in fact influence people toward being gay or bi or straight even.

And just so I don't get any further "go hug your bible" comments, let me just state I am not a religious person, not a conservative, I support gay marriage, etc. I'm just wondering as a political moderate and an observer of this shift in attitude toward homosexuality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our 15 yr DD recently came out as gay. We fully support her in whoever she is and chooses, however, I'm not sure if it's "real" or just a byproduct of going to a small, liberal, arts school where everyone seems to be bi, gay, transgender, pan, a, etc. We are very close, and I just never had the impression she was gay. However, with my sister for example, I suspected from a young age that she was. Curious if anyone has been through this and their child ended up hetero afterall?

You're probably going to get some mean responses so I'm glad I'm the first to weigh in. My SD could have gone to the same school as yours. Exact same scenario (except she came out as bi). Agreed that it makes no difference to me or her parents what her sexual orientation is. But I've known her since she was 11 (just starting to like boys, had crushes, asked me about boys ALL the time). In 9th grade she started at her new school where all her friends (and I do mean all) were either gay, bi, gender-fluid or pan sexual. Within a few weeks of hanging out with them she came out as bisexual.

She's mostly had boyfriends, a few girlfriends who seemed more like buddies to me than girlfriends (though it could just be that those girls were less physically affectionate in public with her than her boyfriends were). Anyway I know her pretty well and think she just really wanted to fit in and have a "tribe" in high school (she was bullied and didn't have a lot of friends in middle school). Again, either way it doesn't matter but I think when she goes off to college or after she graduates or whenever she ends up finding a life partner, it'll be a straight relationship.

OP here. This is our situation completely! I've heard her talk about boys for so long, this statement from her really through me for a loop. I wonder if it is the same school. Thanks for sharing your experience. We'll just continue to support her and see what happens.

NP here. You two sound just like my mother when I came out, and your daughters sound just like me when I was younger. I had "crushes" on boys because that was what I thought was expected/normal, but I had no real interest in them on a significant level. You might consider the fact that your kids are being honest with you now and felt that they had to put on a facade of being boy crazy earlier because that's what socially accepted.

I would encourage you to not tell your kids that you're "ok" with their sexuality but think they might actually be straight; that will only confuse them more and cause them to doubt themselves. I struggled with that a lot (not fitting into the stereotypical box of a lesbian) and my mother's constant doubts and questioning only made me engage in dangerous -- and not all that fun -- sexual escapades with both men and women as I tried to sort what I KNEW was true versus what she was telling me she KNEW I was, since mothers know best or whatever. Gay people don't all fit into a box, sexuality is fluid (more so for women than men) but if you're truly "ok with it," you wouldn't be on here looking for advice because you wouldn't have an issue in the first place. You need to admit that you're not ok with it and deal with that yourself.

Exactly. When my kid told me she was "bi," I thought it was a fashion thing because she had had such crushes on boys in elementary school. But it turns out that that was what she thought she was supposed to do.

So is it possible or not, that someone who wouldn't normally be gay in another situation, to then claim they were gay or think they were gay because they were surrounded by lots of gay people and felt it was desirable/cool or thought it was what they were "supposed to do"?

I'm just curious because the message from the gay community over the last 20 years or so as they have fought for acceptance and equal rights was that you could not influence people toward (or against) gayness. In fact, religious folks implying that teaching gay acceptance in school may lead some children into choosing to be gay were largely shouted down as ignorant bigots. But it seems to me in light of the shifting attitudes about homosexuality that you can in fact influence people toward being gay or bi or straight even.

And just so I don't get any further "go hug your bible" comments, let me just state I am not a religious person, not a conservative, I support gay marriage, etc. I'm just wondering as a political moderate and an observer of this shift in attitude toward homosexuality.

Anything is possible. Your argument can go the other way: is it possible that someone who wouldn't normally be heterosexual in another situation to claim they are straight or think they're straight because they're surrounded by lots of straight people and think it's desirable/cool and what they're supposed to do? Given the fact that that's how our society has been for centuries, and yet gay people still exist, should tell you that people can only deny their true feelings for so long. If someone is claiming to be gay and they're doing it only to fit in, trust me they will eventually go straight because they can't keep up the act. Same thing for gay people claiming to be straight to fit in. Gay people can't convince straight people to be gay just like straight people can't convince gay people to be straight. Stop overthinking it; it's pretty simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused by this thread. It's seems contrary to the message we've been getting from the gay community for years. Namely that being gay is not a choice, a person is born gay or not, and external factors cannot influence gayness or "turn someone gay".

That doesn't seem to be true though in light of this discussion.

Shh, it's okay. The world is big and confusing if you're not too bright. You'll be okay, PP. Shh, there, there. Here's a pacifier and a Bible to hug. Aww...look at that, she fell right to sleep! She must have been all tuckered out from trying to so hard to think.

Very mature!

[Anonymous]

Also, gay people aren't influencing otherwise straight people to "turn gay." When More people come out and are publicly out and proud, it encourages the closet cases COME OUT OF THE CLOSET. whether or not they would have told you that they were gay doesn't change the fact that they were, indeed, gay before they let you in on their secret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So is it possible or not, that someone who wouldn't normally be gay in another situation, to then claim they were gay or think they were gay because they were surrounded by lots of gay people and felt it was desirable/cool or thought it was what they were "supposed to do"?

As multiple posters have already said, there is a continuum. It's not either/or -- either you are 100% straight and you identify as straight, or you are 100% gay and you identify as gay.

Would a woman who has a sexual/romantic interest in both men and women be more likely to identify as bi or lesbian if she were in an environment with lots of bi and lesbian people? That would make sense. Would she be more likely to identify as straight if she were in an environment with only straight people? That would also make sense. Would her actual sexual orientation be different, depending on her environment? No, her actual sexual orientation would be the same.

[Anonymous]

OP, this happened with my friend's sister. She came out to her entire family when she was in her early 20s. They were surprised, but very supportive. They did not question her and even met her girlfriend. It didn't last long before she realized that she is not gay. She has been very happily married for years and they have a 10 year old kid.

I think you need to move forward assuming that she is gay. Treat her relationships just as you would a straight relationship. This will help her figure out whether it seems right to her. If she does not have your support and starts to feel uncomfortable with her lifestyle, she will think it's because of you. But if you are supportive, and she still feels uncomfortable bringing her partner around, she might realize that it's just not the right lifestyle for her. OR she will realize that it is right for her and will be forever grateful that you were so amazing about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this happened with my friend's sister. She came out to her entire family when she was in her early 20s. They were surprised, but very supportive. They did not question her and even met her girlfriend. It didn't last long before she realized that she is not gay. She has been very happily married for years and they have a 10 year old kid.

I think you need to move forward assuming that she is gay. Treat her relationships just as you would a straight relationship. This will help her figure out whether it seems right to her. If she does not have your support and starts to feel uncomfortable with her lifestyle, she will think it's because of you. But if you are supportive, and she still feels uncomfortable bringing her partner around, she might realize that it's just not the right lifestyle for her. OR she will realize that it is right for her and will be forever grateful that you were so amazing about it.

This is very insightful and good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this happened with my friend's sister. She came out to her entire family when she was in her early 20s. They were surprised, but very supportive. They did not question her and even met her girlfriend. It didn't last long before she realized that she is not gay. She has been very happily married for years and they have a 10 year old kid.

I think you need to move forward assuming that she is gay. Treat her relationships just as you would a straight relationship. This will help her figure out whether it seems right to her. If she does not have your support and starts to feel uncomfortable with her lifestyle, she will think it's because of you. But if you are supportive, and she still feels uncomfortable bringing her partner around, she might realize that it's just not the right lifestyle for her. OR she will realize that it is right for her and will be forever grateful that you were so amazing about it.

"Lifestyle"?

If she was interested in women, being married to a man doesn't make her straight. It makes her a woman who is (or has been) interested in women as well as men, who is married to a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So is it possible or not, that someone who wouldn't normally be gay in another situation, to then claim they were gay or think they were gay because they were surrounded by lots of gay people and felt it was desirable/cool or thought it was what they were "supposed to do"?

As multiple posters have already said, there is a continuum. It's not either/or -- either you are 100% straight and you identify as straight, or you are 100% gay and you identify as gay.

Would a woman who has a sexual/romantic interest in both men and women be more likely to identify as bi or lesbian if she were in an environment with lots of bi and lesbian people? That would make sense. Would she be more likely to identify as straight if she were in an environment with only straight people? That would also make sense. Would her actual sexual orientation be different, depending on her environment? No, her actual sexual orientation would be the same.

Oh, but my dear PP, that is not what we have been told ad nauseum by the Gay Lobby for so long now. No, first you wanted us to believe that people are "born gay," or "born straight" -- that it is as much a part of their being as curly hair or brown eyes -- and no one can possibly be expected to change their sexual "orientation," (or is it now, sexual "preference" ?) in any way. So you must forgive us less enlightened ones who simply do not understand and remain so, so confused. We await the next Great Explanation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
So is it possible or not, that someone who wouldn't normally be gay in another situation, to then claim they were gay or think they were gay because they were surrounded by lots of gay people and felt it was desirable/cool or thought it was what they were "supposed to do"?

I'm just curious because the message from the gay community over the last 20 years or so as they have fought for acceptance and equal rights was that you could not influence people toward (or against) gayness. In fact, religious folks implying that teaching gay acceptance in school may lead some children into choosing to be gay were largely shouted down as ignorant bigots. But it seems to me in light of the shifting attitudes about homosexuality that you can in fact influence people toward being gay or bi or straight even.

And just so I don't get any further "go hug your bible" comments, let me just state I am not a religious person, not a conservative, I support gay marriage, etc. I'm just wondering as a political moderate and an observer of this shift in attitude toward homosexuality.

No. For the 10-15% of men and 7-10% of women who are fully gay, they cannot be convinced of being straight. Just like the 60% or so of the heterosexual community that is fully straight, you will not convince them to be gay. However, for the 20-25% of the bisexual community, some of them are close to one end of the spectrum or the other and can be convinced that they are gay or straight even though they are actually bisexual. They'll just suppress the interest in the other side. Other times, they are fully convince they are straight or gay until they meet the person of the "wrong" gender and suddenly they are attracted to that person of the opposite orientation. Some are confused by this and try to hide or suppress it. Others think it is just an aberration and that it will pass. Some accept it.

Young people are very inexperienced and really have no sexual experience to draw on to tell them if this is this is an exception to the rule or if this is their normal reaction. If you've only dated 2 people, you really don't know if you are truly attracted to 25/50/75/100% of the people of that gender and orientation. So, it is common for young people to assume they are either fully gay or fully straight. They have no experience to tell them that they are 4/6 homosexual 6/6 homosexual or 2/6 heterosexual.

[Anonymous]

LOL.

This seems to be a trend nowadays among teens. One day they are straight, next day gay/lesbian, and the day after they are bi.

Sexuality is not fluid. However, teens nowadays are more confused than ever.

I think there is several reasons for it - but mainly it is that every emerging impulse or thought is being labeled in adult language, even if it is just a part of growing up. So, if a teen girl likes JLaw, then it automatically falls into the category of - "maybe I like girls".

Teens are also getting more and more isolated from the real world because their interactions with their peers is based on twitter, fb, instagram like communication, and so nothing is really being examined at length . So their only way to categorize what they are experiencing is coming from adult and more mature definitions.

I have seen DD friends come out as "lesbians" but they are crushing on male teachers, e-stalking boys and becoming "straight" as soon as they get a "promprosal".

I think there is such a pressure among teens to become "grownup" and sexual - but they are not really interacting for extended periods with each other in real life (none of them are hanging out at the mall anymore) to go through a normal teen experience of infatuations and crushes.

There is also a lot of information available on the internet and they are unable to sieve through all that is presented to them to figure out what is relevant.

And furthermore, "coming out" is becoming more common among teens and is almost becoming a rite of passage. No big deal because the very next day they can become straight once again.

Unfortunately, this trend is actually trivalizing the struggles of many GLBT people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So is it possible or not, that someone who wouldn't normally be gay in another situation, to then claim they were gay or think they were gay because they were surrounded by lots of gay people and felt it was desirable/cool or thought it was what they were "supposed to do"?

As multiple posters have already said, there is a continuum. It's not either/or -- either you are 100% straight and you identify as straight, or you are 100% gay and you identify as gay.

Would a woman who has a sexual/romantic interest in both men and women be more likely to identify as bi or lesbian if she were in an environment with lots of bi and lesbian people? That would make sense. Would she be more likely to identify as straight if she were in an environment with only straight people? That would also make sense. Would her actual sexual orientation be different, depending on her environment? No, her actual sexual orientation would be the same.

Oh, but my dear PP, that is not what we have been told ad nauseum by the Gay Lobby for so long now. No, first you wanted us to believe that people are "born gay," or "born straight" -- that it is as much a part of their being as curly hair or brown eyes -- and no one can possibly be expected to change their sexual "orientation," (or is it now, sexual "preference" ?) in any way. So you must forgive us less enlightened ones who simply do not understand and remain so, so confused. We await the next Great Explanation.

"Born that way" means exactly that -- people are born the way they are. Nowhere have I ever seen a memo from the All-Powerful Gay Lobby saying that there are only two, mutually exclusive, non-overlapping ways. If you have documentation from the All-Powerful Gay Lobby that says otherwise, could you please scan it and post it?