intimacy and dating after recovering from abusive relationship

[Anonymous]

I'm not even close to being able to think about dating, but Im just sharing some of my thoughts as they are now. Maybe someone with experience can chime in.

I'm separated three months from a 20 year marriage that very very slowly became increasingly toxic and abusive, mostly emotional and verbal, but with bouts of intense physical bullying, charging, getting in my face with raised fist etc. Substance abuse in there too.

By all measures I am doing very well. Have support in place from family and friends. Some therapy. Lots of taking care of my daughter and protecting her from DH. Lots of change ahead, a lot of which should scare me but doesnt: start a new career, build a new life, moving in with my father till I get on my feet. At 46.

What scares me is the thought of being kissed and held although I want it very badly. DH is venemous, but withheld intimacy and affection for a long time. He lied ALOT. I only recently discovered how much I had been lied to. Im not scared enough to think I wont try loving again. Im just pretty sure that as strong as I have been, the mere possibility of being lied to, of thinking I know someone to find out I dont, concerns me mostly in what it might do to the other person if they are in fact a good person.

Right now Im talking to an old boyfriend from middle school. He is far away in another city. We have talked very openly about all of this. He is divorced, knows the pain also of a toxic person. We have agreed to see each other as friends, no sex, no pressure. And no time soon. So that is fine. But the prospect of feeling ANYthing good is bringing tears to my eyes. Anyway, these are my thoughts now. It will take time. But somehow I dont see how enough time could ever pass that I would be free entirely of reliving some of this trauma.

And, unhelpfully, its SPRING and my hormones are raging! Ah well.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Im guessing this process is something like grieving. There are certain universals, but the intensity and duration of parts of it, that is individual.

[Anonymous]

OP - I am sorry what you went through with your ex husband and am so glad that you are out of it now. It seems like you have great support systems, with family, friends and therapy. And you are taking good care of your daughter.

It will take time. 3 months is not a very long time for a separation from a non-abusive partner, and even more so from a toxic relationship.

Take your time. Breathe. Heal. Love yourself. Love your daughter. And when the time is right, you will have a new love as well.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am still un-spooling more than ten years after leaving my ex. I would not recommend this approach, but I dealt with these feelings by getting involved with someone who was largely unavailable for about a decade. I was then spoken for and involved without having someone close. It was a crappy compromise, but hindsight being 20/20, I needed to give myself that kind of safe space. Time and therapy helped a lot. I finally got to a place where I was ready and able to be in a real relationship again, and the above situation ended.

All of this is to say I totally understand where you are coming from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am still un-spooling more than ten years after leaving my ex. I would not recommend this approach, but I dealt with these feelings by getting involved with someone who was largely unavailable for about a decade. I was then spoken for and involved without having someone close. It was a crappy compromise, but hindsight being 20/20, I needed to give myself that kind of safe space. Time and therapy helped a lot. I finally got to a place where I was ready and able to be in a real relationship again, and the above situation ended.

All of this is to say I totally understand where you are coming from.

OP here. It is odd. I'm glad you mentioned your situation because I have been considering the ramifications of any involvement with this man from out of town, who is a friend, and a childhood friend at that, and I think there is no way it could "work" as anything other than friends with some small benefits. Just can't see it working out any other way for a bunch of reasons. And is it right for me to involve him with me in any way knowing this? Again, we have discussed this very frankly and its all good, but still I can see now how quickly it gets complicated and not necessarily in anyone's best long term interests...

It will take however long it takes....

[Anonymous]

OP, with the middle school guy, who initiated contact? My feeling is anything other than a pen pal situation is going to lead to someone getting hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, with the middle school guy, who initiated contact? My feeling is anything other than a pen pal situation is going to lead to someone getting hurt.

We both got in touch over the years on and off. So it was not as if I made contact or he made contact after any particular event. Just sort of worked out that way.

I also think anything other than just staying friends is not going to work. I'd rather not experiment if it meant losing him as a friend. Hardly worth it. I guess the attraction is just that we are in fact friends, and I trust him way more than I could a total stranger. But that doesn't mean much, really.

In any case we have discussed very openly all this and so its neither too soon nor too late to put on the brakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am still un-spooling more than ten years after leaving my ex. I would not recommend this approach, but I dealt with these feelings by getting involved with someone who was largely unavailable for about a decade. I was then spoken for and involved without having someone close. It was a crappy compromise, but hindsight being 20/20, I needed to give myself that kind of safe space. Time and therapy helped a lot. I finally got to a place where I was ready and able to be in a real relationship again, and the above situation ended.

All of this is to say I totally understand where you are coming from.

I'm doing this too, the crappy compromise. I can't believe there's someone else out there! I've felt so alone. Also just exited an abusive relationship, and also can only find safety with a man who has clear boundaries making him unavailable for commitment. The thought of going on a first date is paralyzing. However, the shame of continuing what I am doing is also starting to undo me.

I've felt like only other men can give me back what my ex-h took from me as far as feeling like a woman that a man would want to be with, not someone who's old, fat, bad body, bad family. Sorry Op, I really have no advice, other than to say I'm struggling with the same thing. The guy from middle school seems safe though. He's someone you've known for a long time, so he seems like he would be easier to trust to not turn into a psycho (btdt, and it's so hard to trust my own judgment now).

[Anonymous]

A gentle way to start is by scanning the environment. Look for positive, loving men. You might see a dad kissing an infant, or a couple sharing a tender moment at a coffee shop. It may help start replacing the narrative you have in your head. Twenty years is a long time.

Have you ever heard of EDMR? I mix up the letters sometimes. It's a treatment used for trauma. I found it profoundly effective.

You're amazingly resilient. A situation that would have (and has) broken other people, you survived! You are building a new life for yourself and your DD. Keep going. Know that old feelings can crop up long after you think you should be "over it."

I hope other posters can provide you with other tools and advice.

Huge ehugs, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP I am so sorry for your pain.

What you need to realize now however is that you are still in the first stages of healing from that pain. Three mos. is not that long when you look at the big picture of a twenty yr. union.

Love will come your way again..I wouldn't think too much now about jumping into another relationship yet.

Focus on your transition in life now. A new living situation, new job and hopefully new social life.

And do not lose sight on being a good parent to your child. This is monumental esp. during a time like this.

Once you are completely healed from your abusive ex, you will be in a much better space to consider and ALLOW someone in to your life.

The best is yet to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
A gentle way to start is by scanning the environment. Look for positive, loving men. You might see a dad kissing an infant, or a couple sharing a tender moment at a coffee shop. It may help start replacing the narrative you have in your head. Twenty years is a long time.

Have you ever heard of EDMR? I mix up the letters sometimes. It's a treatment used for trauma. I found it profoundly effective.

You're amazingly resilient. A situation that would have (and has) broken other people, you survived! You are building a new life for yourself and your DD. Keep going. Know that old feelings can crop up long after you think you should be "over it."

I hope other posters can provide you with other tools and advice.

Huge ehugs, OP.

I am not OP, but like OP, I have been in an abusive relationship. The literature on EMDR seems mixed -- some studies indicate effectiveness and some organizations recommend it and others question the importance of the Eye movement part. Can you explain more about the treatment and how you believe it helped you. What changed before/after?

[Anonymous]

I would be careful of not becoming a co-dependent and falling into similar comfortable patterns. Date casually, more than one man at a time, no sex. Don't seek intimacy to replace the closeness of being married. Be on your own for a while.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone. Ive moved forward at rapid speed because I knew always that the problem was DH- I worked with professionals and tried all their advice, and realized that HE was NOT trying ANY of it. A social worker pointed me in the right direction, thank goodness. I never thought I deserved this and I never drank the Kool Aid. I am very fortunate to have the support I have and the wonderful childhood that I did have that allowed me to understand, to an extent, what was happening. All that being said, I am humbled by the cumulative effect of abuse, and now understand a whole lot more about all forms of abuse. I plan to move forward and become a therapist as I had wanted to for a long time, and work with children. The romance thing I know is a mine field of sorts. I admit I am damaged, but I dont think beyond repair. I may not ever confer benefit of the doubt. I discussed more with my old friend and we have reached an agreement that we both feel like comforting each other non sexually is ok and not so risky considering everything else... But we are still just talking. Thank you everyone for the great feedback. And lets keep this thread going because I think its important.

[Anonymous]

Also, try not to discuss your ex, abuse, etc. with a new guy. I don't think what you are doing now with the guy from your childhood days is healthy, either. He is long distance and you are telling him too much about your concerns for space and distance. He isn't a therapist. He will grow tired of the arrangement and then you will feel abandoned and betrayed by him.

[Anonymous]

Try not to talk so much, and instead enjoy activities like art museums or galleries, sporting events, etc.