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[quote=Anonymous]I'm not even close to being able to think about dating, but Im just sharing some of my thoughts as they are now. Maybe someone with experience can chime in.

I'm separated three months from a 20 year marriage that very very slowly became increasingly toxic and abusive, mostly emotional and verbal, but with bouts of intense physical bullying, charging, getting in my face with raised fist etc. Substance abuse in there too.

By all measures I am doing very well. Have support in place from family and friends. Some therapy. Lots of taking care of my daughter and protecting her from DH. Lots of change ahead, a lot of which should scare me but doesnt: start a new career, build a new life, moving in with my father till I get on my feet. At 46.

What scares me is the thought of being kissed and held although I want it very badly. DH is venemous, but withheld intimacy and affection for a long time. He lied ALOT. I only recently discovered how much I had been lied to.  Im not scared enough to think I wont try loving again. Im just pretty sure that as strong as I have been, the mere possibility of being lied to, of thinking I know someone to find out I dont, concerns me mostly in what it might do to the other person if they are in fact a good person.

Right now Im talking to an old boyfriend from middle school. He is far away in another city. We have talked very openly about all of this. He is divorced, knows the pain also of a toxic person. We have agreed to see each other as friends, no sex, no pressure. And no time soon. So that is fine. But the prospect of feeling ANYthing good is bringing tears to my eyes. Anyway, these are my thoughts now. It will take time. But somehow I dont see how enough time could ever pass that I would be free entirely of reliving some of this trauma.

And, unhelpfully, its SPRING and my hormones are raging! Ah well.[/quote]

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