intimacy and dating after recovering from abusive relationship

[Anonymous]

I was separated from my abusive husband of 9 years when I slept with an old friend. I made it clear that I wasn't ready for a relationship and I needed space to heal myself. I was in therapy on a weekly basis. But I really needed to have some fun again with a man.

Fast forward 11 years...I am blissfully married to my old friend. We have three cute, rambunctious kids. He is on the way home with Chipotle actually.

Ya never know...

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry you are going through all this. - I was in an abusive relationship/marriage for more than 10 years and with two small children - and divorced in my late thirties - as I stepped out into the dating world, I reminded myself that you only grow when you step outside of your comfort zone -- so I challenged myself to do new things - and to just get out there- and resist the temptation to find a "replacement husband" and date around before committing to a serious relationship - even if you find someone you really like, force yourself to go out and date multiple people.,,,,,,,,,good luck!!! also finding a shrink is good...... I was terrified at age 37 when I stepped out onto the singles scene for the first time in years and now with young children, but I challenged myself to grow and relationships came naturally with that growth: I learned how to ski for the first time, learned how to surf for the first time (both terrifying to a nonathletic person like me!), i joined a backup dancing troup, and dated a men who I would normally never have imagined dating and several relationships later I am in a fulfilling committed relationship... Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
A gentle way to start is by scanning the environment. Look for positive, loving men. You might see a dad kissing an infant, or a couple sharing a tender moment at a coffee shop. It may help start replacing the narrative you have in your head. Twenty years is a long time.

Have you ever heard of EDMR? I mix up the letters sometimes. It's a treatment used for trauma. I found it profoundly effective.

You're amazingly resilient. A situation that would have (and has) broken other people, you survived! You are building a new life for yourself and your DD. Keep going. Know that old feelings can crop up long after you think you should be "over it."

I hope other posters can provide you with other tools and advice.

Huge ehugs, OP.

I am not OP, but like OP, I have been in an abusive relationship. The literature on EMDR seems mixed -- some studies indicate effectiveness and some organizations recommend it and others question the importance of the Eye movement part. Can you explain more about the treatment and how you believe it helped you. What changed before/after?

I also was in an abusive relationship and seeing other people be affectionate didn't resonate with me because my abusive partner was an angel in public and hellish in private.

[Anonymous]

For OP, you need to be in therapy specifically for abuse. You should not consider dating until your counselor and you feel ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, try not to discuss your ex, abuse, etc. with a new guy. I don't think what you are doing now with the guy from your childhood days is healthy, either. He is long distance and you are telling him too much about your concerns for space and distance. He isn't a therapist. He will grow tired of the arrangement and then you will feel abandoned and betrayed by him.

OP here. So many assumptions here. He is talking to me about the same topics in his divorce which he fortunately has some more distance from. We are talking as friends would about the things we both want to talk about. We've addressed the concerns together and we are continuing to be friends. Thank goodness not everything has to be complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was separated from my abusive husband of 9 years when I slept with an old friend. I made it clear that I wasn't ready for a relationship and I needed space to heal myself. I was in therapy on a weekly basis. But I really needed to have some fun again with a man.

Fast forward 11 years...I am blissfully married to my old friend. We have three cute, rambunctious kids. He is on the way home with Chipotle actually.

Ya never know...

OP here. Aww, that is sweet and encouraging. I doubt that will happen here, but its true, one never knows! To me the most important thing is being able to be honest about where I am at. I don't think I will be ready for an actual relationship or being anyone's anything for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
A gentle way to start is by scanning the environment. Look for positive, loving men. You might see a dad kissing an infant, or a couple sharing a tender moment at a coffee shop. It may help start replacing the narrative you have in your head. Twenty years is a long time.

Have you ever heard of EDMR? I mix up the letters sometimes. It's a treatment used for trauma. I found it profoundly effective.

You're amazingly resilient. A situation that would have (and has) broken other people, you survived! You are building a new life for yourself and your DD. Keep going. Know that old feelings can crop up long after you think you should be "over it."

I hope other posters can provide you with other tools and advice.

Huge ehugs, OP.

I am not OP, but like OP, I have been in an abusive relationship. The literature on EMDR seems mixed -- some studies indicate effectiveness and some organizations recommend it and others question the importance of the Eye movement part. Can you explain more about the treatment and how you believe it helped you. What changed before/after?

I also was in an abusive relationship and seeing other people be affectionate didn't resonate with me because my abusive partner was an angel in public and hellish in private.

Sorry, I'm just seeing this now. I would have responded sooner.

You know, when I first heard of it, I thought, "what a bunch of hooey!" I saw a therapist, a few years later, who had this certification in addition to her traditional qualifications. She offered it and it just worked. She talked me through a lot of imagery, and the whole time I couldn't believe I was saying these things out loud. I was raped after trying desperately to climb over a cement wall. I was trapped inside an expat's compound overseas. He was like a panther moving towards me and I just couldn't get out. The wall was too high, there was nothing to hold on to. This is some of what I had to relate as we went through the process. I didn't have a panic attack, which was highly unusual for me. Even thinking about it too much would get my heart racing and I'd go flush and...it was excruciating. But, there I was, talking it out and re-packaging it with this therapist and this wacky machinery. The eye movement piece is very important, as is the tapping. They were like a strong, but very safe, distraction. I don't know how else to describe it.

I still had a lot of work to do when it came to facing relationships. I had a lot of angry talk in my head (defensiveness, rage), but the massive anxiety piece was gone. I could be angry instead of scared. I did two sessions of EMDR before continuing with traditional talk therapy. I was able to fall in love again, be alone with a man, allow myself to be attracted, when none of that seemed remotely possible before this wacky treatment.

I credit the therapist as much as the technique. She kept me safe. She was the one how helped me diminish this experience, which had seemed so all-enveloping and overwhelming prior to the EMDR.

I'm going to leave this thread now. I hope you find something that works for you.