Millennials feel 'abandoned' by parents not available to help raise grandkids: 'Too busy'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think we need to distinguish here between full time childcare (what almost none of us are saying) and offering up the occasional date night or sleepover to the grandchildren you claim to love and be interested in.

When we asked my inlaws to watch our kids for the company holiday party, we'd drop them off about 5pm and their main question would always be "what time are you coming to get them in the morning?" It was clearly a favor to us and nothing more. We stopped asking.

This seems like a reasonable question to me. Maybe it was just a favor to you. Why not let them? A babysitter is doing it only for money. Is that better?

The meaning was clear in the tone. And I didn't say we don't "let" them. I said we stopped asking. Want to guess how often they offer on their own?

Why should they offer on their own? Maybe they think you have things handled, or don't want to be intrusive. Or maybe they are self-absorbed (yet willing) and just need to be asked. Do you communicate this way in your marriage? JFC.

Are you always this deliberately obtuse? Its quite obvious when someone is helping you because they want to and when they are doing something out of guilt or duty. If they don't want to spend time with our kids, I don't need to force the issue. Their loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents relied heavily on my grandparents who lived very close to babysit us for free, attend family vacations with us and paper half and cook meals for us routinely..... However, they do none of that with their own grandchildren.... My mom still works and says she is too busy and my dad is retired but has no interest in helping with anything other than meeting us for a quick meal occasionally.

your mom is working, so yea, she can't really babysit.

And that generation of fathers don't do much childcare. So, your mom did all the childcare/houschores/cooking herself.

Your grandmother most likely didn't work, and your grandfather most likely didn't do any childcare, either. So, your grandmother was more available to help with her own grandkids.

Why do you millennials have a hard time putting things into perspective?

-signed gen xer.

You are replying to my post and I didn't mean to make it sound like I want my parents to babysit my children. Just that they are not interested in any type of help. My grandma worked part time outside of the home and my grandpa farmed. Be honest, I spent more time with him than with my grandma. They would cook our meals four to five times a week and for sure on the weekends. I haven't asked my parents to help out but they have been very vocal in telling my sisters and I that they have no interest in babysitting their grandchildren or having routine meals together.

Working PT is a lot easier than working FT.

And yea, your parents are done raising kids. They don't want to raise another child. They want to live their golden years doing their own thing. When you reach your golden years, you might feel the same way.

I'm looking forward to my youngest going off to college in 3 years so that my spouse and I can have more us time and do what we want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And barely Gen Exer Growing up in the 70’s and 80’s, I don’t remember very many kids with grandparents helping out. I remember latch key kids instead. It certainly wasn’t the norm in either of my parent’s extended families.

This. The rules have changed on millennial parents. They’re required to do so much more both in terms of enrichment and in terms of saving. Having older grandparents is just another log on the fire. I’m very thankful to have involved grandparents on both sides.

Mine were very involved and took us school holidays and summers. They taught us a lot, took us on vacations, clothing shopping. My mom will not help out in a real emergency. They were capable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And barely Gen Exer Growing up in the 70’s and 80’s, I don’t remember very many kids with grandparents helping out. I remember latch key kids instead. It certainly wasn’t the norm in either of my parent’s extended families.

This. The rules have changed on millennial parents. They’re required to do so much more both in terms of enrichment and in terms of saving. Having older grandparents is just another log on the fire. I’m very thankful to have involved grandparents on both sides.

Actually Gen Xer parents also have had to do the same intensive parenting as Millennials and we don’t complain about it as much as you all!

[Anonymous]

My dh is 2nd gen Asian American and grew up in a multigen household and it essentially destroyed his parents marriage. They’re still together because divorce is rare in their culture but his mother is a damaged person because of how she was treated by her MIL. She changed this woman’s diapers during end of life care and after a lifetime of being verbally abused but FIL failed to stand up to his mother. Guess who has hinted at wanting to live with us down the line?

No way, no how. I’d rather work myself to the bone (I do, but then again I knew what I was getting into when I had kids) rather than endure that sort of toxic family dynamic to save a few bucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And barely Gen Exer Growing up in the 70’s and 80’s, I don’t remember very many kids with grandparents helping out. I remember latch key kids instead. It certainly wasn’t the norm in either of my parent’s extended families.

This. The rules have changed on millennial parents. They’re required to do so much more both in terms of enrichment and in terms of saving. Having older grandparents is just another log on the fire. I’m very thankful to have involved grandparents on both sides.

Actually Gen Xer parents also have had to do the same intensive parenting as Millennials and we don’t complain about it as much as you all!

The difference is how millennials were parented compared to gen xers. Why would you expect the typical millennial to become a parent who independently can care for their own children when they have been helicoptered by their parents their entire lives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And barely Gen Exer Growing up in the 70’s and 80’s, I don’t remember very many kids with grandparents helping out. I remember latch key kids instead. It certainly wasn’t the norm in either of my parent’s extended families.

This. The rules have changed on millennial parents. They’re required to do so much more both in terms of enrichment and in terms of saving. Having older grandparents is just another log on the fire. I’m very thankful to have involved grandparents on both sides.

Actually Gen Xer parents also have had to do the same intensive parenting as Millennials and we don’t complain about it as much as you all!

Gen X complain all the time. No one pays attention to us! We did it all without help! We were latch key kids! Now y'all complain about how the Millenials complain to much. Everyone complains, and then everyone complains that the generation after them complains more than they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And barely Gen Exer Growing up in the 70’s and 80’s, I don’t remember very many kids with grandparents helping out. I remember latch key kids instead. It certainly wasn’t the norm in either of my parent’s extended families.

This. The rules have changed on millennial parents. They’re required to do so much more both in terms of enrichment and in terms of saving. Having older grandparents is just another log on the fire. I’m very thankful to have involved grandparents on both sides.

Actually Gen Xer parents also have had to do the same intensive parenting as Millennials and we don’t complain about it as much as you all!

Right? Zero help from my already elderly parents by the time I had kids. And little WFH. It was tough, though, and I don’t begrudge anyone who wishes for more help. I just would advise anyone to make sure they can handle their kids and working lives on their own. Even if your parents were helpful for your siblings, they may be tapped out by the time you have kids. Or have medical issues, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's right to expect grandparents to watch grandkids.

But I will say that if you never visit and are completely uninvolved in your grandkids life, don't expect everyone to come to you for holidays. My dh and I would do just about anything for my parents because they watch our kids for 9 days (allowing us international trips without kids).

+1

They raised you. They’re done.

They’re only going to be around for the fun part and that’s all right.

And really you should be thinking about how you can support them now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a lot of millennials refuse to do the math. When I was small, my grandma was in her 50s. People complaining about lack of help when “my parents’ parents helped them”: how old are your parents? My guess is, substantially older than their parents were when you were born.

It’s nobody’s fault. It’s just a societal change. Complaining won’t help.

my grandma was 31 when my mom was born, my mom ws 31 when she had me, I was 35.
I dont think times have changed THAT much.
50s as a grandma means they both had kids in early 20s which is pretty young even for the 1980s.

Math says: no, if they both had kids in their early 20s then grandma would have been in her 40s. Grandma is born in 1920, has her first kid at 22 in 1942, who has her first kid at 22 in 1964. Grandma’s 44.

50s as a grandma on means they both had kids in their late 20s. Grandma is born in 1920, has her first kid at 28 in 1948, who has her first kid at 28 in 1976. Grandma is 56.

Sorry, just had to speak up for Math.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And barely Gen Exer Growing up in the 70’s and 80’s, I don’t remember very many kids with grandparents helping out. I remember latch key kids instead. It certainly wasn’t the norm in either of my parent’s extended families.

This. The rules have changed on millennial parents. They’re required to do so much more both in terms of enrichment and in terms of saving. Having older grandparents is just another log on the fire. I’m very thankful to have involved grandparents on both sides.

Actually Gen Xer parents also have had to do the same intensive parenting as Millennials and we don’t complain about it as much as you all!

Gen X complain all the time. No one pays attention to us! We did it all without help! We were latch key kids! Now y'all complain about how the Millenials complain to much. Everyone complains, and then everyone complains that the generation after them complains more than they do.

LOL. And then you have things like the “smug about baby” thread where people complain that other people aren’t complaining enough!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And barely Gen Exer Growing up in the 70’s and 80’s, I don’t remember very many kids with grandparents helping out. I remember latch key kids instead. It certainly wasn’t the norm in either of my parent’s extended families.

This. The rules have changed on millennial parents. They’re required to do so much more both in terms of enrichment and in terms of saving. Having older grandparents is just another log on the fire. I’m very thankful to have involved grandparents on both sides.

Actually Gen Xer parents also have had to do the same intensive parenting as Millennials and we don’t complain about it as much as you all!

The difference is how millennials were parented compared to gen xers. Why would you expect the typical millennial to become a parent who independently can care for their own children when they have been helicoptered by their parents their entire lives?

Millennials, like gen X, are fully grown adults capable of parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And barely Gen Exer Growing up in the 70’s and 80’s, I don’t remember very many kids with grandparents helping out. I remember latch key kids instead. It certainly wasn’t the norm in either of my parent’s extended families.

This. The rules have changed on millennial parents. They’re required to do so much more both in terms of enrichment and in terms of saving. Having older grandparents is just another log on the fire. I’m very thankful to have involved grandparents on both sides.

Actually Gen Xer parents also have had to do the same intensive parenting as Millennials and we don’t complain about it as much as you all!

Gen X complain all the time. No one pays attention to us! We did it all without help! We were latch key kids! Now y'all complain about how the Millenials complain to much. Everyone complains, and then everyone complains that the generation after them complains more than they do.

Pointing things out isn’t complaining. We gen x are way too productive and competent to whine. We do respond to whining though.

[Anonymous]

I am a millennial and I never expected or thought I’d receive any support from my boomer parents: I moved out at 18, financed my own education, and have never been subsidized by them. I don’t know who these millennials are, because I and my cohort are independent.

[Anonymous]

I am not yet a grandma, but here's where I am at. My career took a hit so that I could have children. I will have paid for their college, cars, phones, sports, vacations, blah blah. I've done everything in my capability to get them into adulthood and if they make the choice to have children, they need to be able to care for them. It shouldn't be on me in my older years to be further indebted to my children to provide continuous care for their children in lieu of retiring, traveling or doing whatever the heck I want. I am likely to not be able to retire under 72 which means I will have been working for 50+ years. I've earned the right to do whatever I want with my remaining years. I'll be there to help them, but I should not be their only option and ridiculed for not wanting to care for little kids in my 70s.