stress on marriage from kids and work
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Anonymous
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My DW stays at home with our two young children. I work long hours in a high intensity stressful job. Lately, I feel like me and DW are roommates. We are less intimate and she seems resentful of me. She seems to enjoy the children very much but seems unhappy with me.
We never used to argue before we had kids. Now I wish we had because we do not argue very well. The easy answer is daycare. This is expensive though. I try to help out as much as I can at home and we have hired a housekeeper. I worry that DW won't easily find a job when the kids go to daycare and that she will resent me even more. I love her with all my heart. Any advice for how to make the marriage better? Did your marriage survive something like this? |
Anonymous
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Why is daycare the answer? You said your DW is happy with the kids. She is unhappy with you - is it because she senses you want either her to go back to work or that the kids are somewhere else?
It is good you are looking to improve your marriage, but be clear that what a better marriage now will look like will still be very different than your marriage before kids. There isn't any going back. You will have to carve out time for each other, no question, and understand what each of you needs as partners and as parents. |
Anonymous
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OP, I am sorry you are in this spot. Your wife doesn't understand your stress and you probably don't understand where she is coming from.
First, how is she as a SAHM? Is she happy? Organized? Or is she constantly bitching about how hard it is, how lonely she is, how bored she is, etc. If it's the former, your wife needs to find a job and those kids need to go to daycare because she isn't cut out for SAHPing. WHICH IS FINE. No judgment because we all have needs and the day to day with kids is a calling not all of us want. If she is happy, then you might want to try to make more of an effort to have a connection. I know you're busy but when was it you had a conversation with your wife when neither of you were distracted or exhausted? Because I find even "date nights" tiring because you want to make the moment special. Do you have a time to talk for ten minutes every day (during the day?). |
Anonymous
| Oops mixed up former and latter but you get my drift. |
Anonymous
| Weekly date night- what was fun before kids? |
Anonymous
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I'm a SAHM with two kids who went through a rough patch after our second was born. Here's my advice:
Both of you have to appreciate what the other does. My husband felt like I didn't appreciate that he worked a stressful job and then came home to more stuff. I felt like he didn't appreciate that I was doing 95% of the childcare by myself (and I don't have a housekeeper or any other outsourcing). Just come in sometimes and tell her she's doing a great job. If she feels appreciated, she can feel appreciation better. Plan a date night. Don't make her do it. Get the babysitter lined up and make a reservation and tell her when it is. That alone time is crucial but if you make her plan it and set it up, it feels like you don't actually want to make the effort and is just one more thing she now has to do. You handling it makes all the difference. Encourage any hobbies she has. I'm currently applying to go back to school in the fall for my teaching license because my plan was always to go back to work when the youngest was preschool aged and my old career just doesn't work with family life. My husband is supportive and understanding and totally on board. He knows I need this and that it's a big deal to me so study time, application stuff, and committing to the change it'll be to have me in school is all stuff he's on board with. See if you can encourage her in some way like that to get validation outside of child reading. Any hobby or volunteering she wants to do. Also, this is just sort of part and parcel of having kids. There's a growth spurt after each one where you figure out your new circumstances and how to make it all work. It got a lot better once my youngest turned one. |
Anonymous
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I completely agree with the PP. It's so tough when one person is home and one is working because you are literally on different planets. And the grass is always greener (someone has it easier).
Life with small kids is hard. And I think encouraging your wife to pursue her interests make sense so long as the other needs are being met. I had a friend whose wife went off the deep end on crafting and stuff to the detriment of her obligations at home. This guy would run home, cook dinner, bathe and clean the kids, clean up dinner and crash nightly while the wife worked on some project or another because she needed "down time." They got divorced and it's a shit show but that's neither here nor there. The point is to survive your marriage has to become a priority and you both have to contribute to the home and you both have to get on the same page even if your lives are different now. |
Anonymous
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You sound like a good guy, OP. 9:50 has some good advice.
I don't think it's daycare-or-nothing, either. Can you look for a part time preschool or mom's-morning-out program at a local church? Just having those few hours a week of unimpeded alone time was a sanity saver for me when my kids were tiny. Most programs start at 2 years old, though. If you have babies, you're going to need an actual sitter to get her some alone time, but that's still a lot cheaper than full time daycare. Also cheaper than daycare is a housekeeper. A SAHM is going to have to clean/pick up daily no matter what, but knowing the deep cleaning (toilet scrubbing/shower cleaning/vacuuming/etc) will be taken care of is a tremendous help and a weight off a mom's shoulders. Make time for just the two of you. Find a good sitter and try to go out on a date once a month. 9:50 was right -- YOU PLAN THIS. You call the sitter, make the reservations, etc. ... your DW is going crazy keeping track of everyone else's schedule and planning each day for the kids ... if my DH had made date nights a priority instead of paying them lip service and then pawning off the legwork on me and my already full task list, our marriage might not be in the trouble it is today (and our kids are 11 and 7 ... this stuff festers like an infected sore if not dealt with in a timely manner). I guarantee you that DW will be more interested in sex if she feels like you miss her and desire her as a person, not just a sex partner. Date time is key to that. It doesn't have to be expensive -- grab a bottle of wine and some cheese/salami and head out for a picnic now that the weather is turning. Head down to the waterfront and check out the cherry blossoms when they pop and grab dinner from a food truck. It's fine to splurge on a more expensive date once in a while, but it's not necessary. The time together is what's important. As for yourself, try to remember that even though your work is hard, you 1) get money and respect for it, 2) get daily adult interaction and hopefully, positive feedback, and 3) don't have to deal with toddler tantrums (unless you work for my boss, but I digress). To your DW, this may sound like paradise some days. Hell, I now work full time and I'm still envious of my DH, because he gets paid so much more for a lot less work, and no one at his job treats him like crap (see: my boss). So while it's tempting to pull the "I work all day" card, don't. She's working, too, and with no payoff other than the love of your kids and whatever praise you give her. Again, you sound like an awesome guy. I wish your DW could see this thread to know how much you love her. But I have faith in you, OP. I know you're going to take the advice here and show her she's appreciated. I guarantee you she will do the same in return. And if she doesn't, she may be clinically depressed and in need of real help, or flat out doesn't deserve you. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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OP, how old are your kids? If they are very young, your wife is still physically recovering from bearing them. It really is a marathon, being pregnant, delivering, nursing, then doing it all again while parenting a toddler. Don't underestimate this-- it is very easy for some women, but it certainly was difficult for me and I'm not ashamed to say so. Or she may have PPD.
She needs a regular time when she is not caring for the kids. Like, say, a babysitter every Wednesday afternoon. That will give her some time and space to rest and think about the big picture. We got a babysitter for 2 hours on Saturday mornings and it has done wonders for our marriage. We both work out and then we have a little coffee date on the porch and just talk. It has been life-changing. |
Anonymous
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No one should divorce until the youngest is 5. This was me and my DW when kids were young. Kids are older now (7 and 4) and we are doing better. Some good advice on these boards, make sure you communicate your needs and listen to hers as painful as it can be. Also, babysitters. Gut it out, see where you are in a year.
For me, hitting the gym a little harder helped with the excess frustration. Also, getting some affirmation from outside the marriage helped with the rejection from my wife. My DW once confided she was jealous of my success (we went to same grad school). She enjoyed being a SAHM (sometimes) but did miss the public accolades that you get working outside the home. |
Anonymous
Explain. |
Anonymous
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I'm sorry OP. My DH works 70+ hours a week, and I am a lawyer. DD (3 yrs) is in daycare. We feel like we were dragged down rockville pike and back. Utterly exhausted, no sex life. So daycare and your DW are probably not the answer.
IMO, DW sounds spoiled. She doesn't have to care for your children AND work, PLUS she has a housekeeper?!? I'm up at 1:30AM working, cleaning, hanging laundry, etc. I am sorry she is not more of a partner for you. She needs to get a grip and smell the roses. As for you, however, you indicated you are fighting, and in her defense I do not know much from your post about your contribution to the marital problems. Like, do you downplay her work in the home? Do you say nasty things that are verbally abusive? Do you harp on the fact that you bring home the bacon so what you say goes etc.? If so, you need to check yourself too. I hope my insight is helpful to YOU, because I am sure I am going to get an earful of grief from SAHMs for it, but I am just keeping it real regardless of what the nay sayers might say. |
Anonymous
An earful from SAHMs? You just said your life is like getting dragged down Rockvile Pike, you are utterly exhausted, no sex life and up at 130 am doing chores. Sounds like a horrible way to live . I don't get why a SAHM would have anything to say about that. |
Anonymous
I was home full time for years. And my marriage looked like this. We were exhausted, we had a horrible intimate life, and the work...at home...was never ending. So, yeah. Being home wasn't the panacea for me. Working gave me structure and made my DH help more because of necessity. It also killed our mutual resentment that the other had. Like the previous poster said, the grass is always greener. We just got on the same damn lawn. Working was good from a practical standpoint. I am saving for retirement and we are on track to retire at 60 (or continue to work as much or as little as we choose). I am saving more for our family in the event of an emergency. We have college funds. It also lessened the wear and tear on our home. People don't realize it, but being home just adds to the amount of clean ups you have to do every day. The financial impact was so, so great. If you have to hire a cleaning service with a SAHP, you might want to look into the financial picture. My pay covers daycare, our health insurance, a full 17.5k into a 401k, and about 4k in college savings plan. That's a win for me. But I could easily portray my working as a break even or as losing money to pay someone else to raise my kids since we'd have to have insurance anyway and the savings isn't something you immediately feel. Working absolutely saved my marriage and my sanity. I felt guilty, like I was a failure for a bit. But I realized being home isn't for everyone and that's okay. If you rock it, and enjoy it -- awesome. But for me, it was so bad. YMMV |
Anonymous
Her statement that OPs wife has it easy staying home, not working, and having a housekeeper. There are martyr SAHMS who say how hard it is, that it is an even greater challenge than 'having someone else raise your kid.' A vocal minority just like the WOHM who scream that SAHM can't hold down a job or Are letting their brains rot. Honestly surprised you didn't get that; are you new to DCUM? This bread has been remarkably gentle... |