Could save $20k, but in laws

[Anonymous]

My husband, child and I are moving from our current state to our in laws' state. They have generously offered to let us live with them rent-free for four months until I start my job in a different part of the state. They have also offered to let us use their spare car. We would be splitting utilities and food bills, and paying for gas in the spare car. In all, we would save about $20,000 if we live with them first than if we move into our own apartment immediately.

My husband is on board and I was too until this weekend. We spent the weekend with them and that reminded me of why I am just not sure I would be happy there for five months:

--I don't particularly like the house. Their home is a little cluttered, cold, dingy, and covered in dog hair, and I am somewhat of a neat freak who loves to get a lot of light and air. We would have our own bedroom, but I don't get the feeling they'd be okay with me redecorating the bedroom or making major changes to adapt it to my taste.
--They have an adult relative who still lives at home and smokes. She is a sweetheart and never smokes in the house, but I worry about my son's exposure to the smoke on her clothes. She also doesn't really get along with them and has been known to steal (but I don't think she would steal from my husband and I).
--They have this huge, constantly shedding, constantly drooling dog who they have not disciplined very well. He snatches food from our plates at the first opportunity, chews up anything he can get his paws on, and keeps putting his mouth in my little son's face when I am trying to nurse, change, or just play with him. I really wish they would keep him away from the living room, but they give him free rein of the house.
--I love to cook, but so does my MIL, and we do not cook the same cuisines, so I would not feel comfortable in the kitchen unless she was at work.
--My in laws live far from the city, so I would not be able to visit friends or have friends visit, except with a 1 hour trip.
--I love to walk and push my son around, but their neighborhood has no sidewalks (I am not kidding -- no sidewalks at all), so I would have to drive 5 or 10 minutes just to take a walk with my son.
--My husband and his parents have been talking about all of us moving in together one day and I worry this is a trial run. I am not on board at all with all of us living together one day, especially since my in laws are hellbent on staying in the suburb where they live and I am not interested in living there. I don't want to hear in 2 or 3 years time "Oh, but we let you live with us and it was great. Why can't we all move in?"

Apart from these big/small things, we all get along well and my husband and I could always use an extra 20k, even though we are not hurting financially. They could see more of their grandchild and help out a bit with child care (not a lot though bc they both still work).

Would you all move in with them?

[Anonymous]

You and your husband need to get on the same wavelength about this moving in together down the line shit.

I personally would not move in with them. It's only four months so I could deal with any decor or furniture issues for four months. And your son will not get lung cancer or even asthma from inhaling third hand smoke for four months. You could suck up the cuisine differences, the lack of sidewalks, etc.

The dirty house and the poorly behaved dog would bother the shit out of me. I could suck it up for a weekend, but NOT four months. Also, the stealing.

[Anonymous]

When you talk about the house you sound pretty petty. If you're just looking for reasons to put them down and stay away, just spend the 20K and get your own home.

[Anonymous]

You know, it's hard to put a price on sanity.

It sounds like moving in with the ILs is a bad idea.

Get an apartment in the city. Keep it minimal, have your privacy, be able to get out and about and see your friends.

Avoid the crazy additional relative, the second hand smoke, the ill behaved dog and its detritus, the lack of kitchen access.

When you talk to DH, tell him that you've realized after this weekend that there are just too many things that could go wrong and that it might permanently damage your relationship with the ILs, as generous as the offer is. Tell him that you think having space will actually help in the long run. Remind him that he'll be gone all day to his job, while you're there caring for an infant, and you just need your privacy and your space and your own support network of friends in the city.

If he balks, ask him to think about it--but be ready for this to be a hill to die on. Better to have it out now then when you're actually in your ILs' house and want to flee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you talk about the house you sound pretty petty. If you're just looking for reasons to put them down and stay away, just spend the 20K and get your own home.

Don't be a jerk. I am pretty sure she is just being honest so that people have enough info to give advice. I don't think that's petty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you talk about the house you sound pretty petty. If you're just looking for reasons to put them down and stay away, just spend the 20K and get your own home.

Don't be a jerk. I am pretty sure she is just being honest so that people have enough info to give advice. I don't think that's petty.

I doubt what the house is like is new info.

[Anonymous]

Could you take what you would pay for rent each month and allocate 1/2 to a child's college savings account and 1/2 to personal travel?

Maybe each month you can do a long get away? A week for a summer vacation?

[Anonymous]

I would not move in with them. You'll be miserable, and the strain will poison your relationships. You can financially afford to get your own place. You cannot afford to live with them for all the reasons you mention.

And trust me, you don't want to do anything that they can use as leverage for moving in with you down the road. And start preparing your case against it. It sounds like your husband and his parents are from a culture where parents usually live with their grown kids after a certain age. If this is not what you want, you and he have to get on the same page, somehow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you take what you would pay for rent each month and allocate 1/2 to a child's college savings account and 1/2 to personal travel?

Maybe each month you can do a long get away? A week for a summer vacation?

OP: Tantalizing idea. If I could look forward to a monthly getaway, I might be able to hang on for four months without completely losing my shit. But then, I think that it would be sad to live that way for four months - not being happy in my own space and just looking forward to getting away.

Anonymous wrote:I would not move in with them. You'll be miserable, and the strain will poison your relationships. You can financially afford to get your own place. You cannot afford to live with them for all the reasons you mention.

And trust me, you don't want to do anything that they can use as leverage for moving in with you down the road. And start preparing your case against it. It sounds like your husband and his parents are from a culture where parents usually live with their grown kids after a certain age. If this is not what you want, you and he have to get on the same page, somehow.

OP: I am really afraid of this. Once I left my parents' house, I knew I never ever again wanted to live with anyone except my spouse and kids. I feel I have worked too hard not to be comfortable in my own space. I don't want to have to deal with the inevitable fight over his parents moving in until I have to, but you are totally right, moving in with them now could give them leverage for emotional blackmail.

[Anonymous]

Is their any way to make it work by limiting your time spent in the common areas of the house. In other words, can you set up your room with a mini fridge, a t.v. and stay in there as much as possible? And then get out of the house for walks, recreation and occasional meals out. You could even go away EVERY weekend for a whole lot cheaper than 20K.

I think the biggest worry is the dog that keeps getting in your face and I love dogs. Just not in my face. But even the dog isn't a worry if you don't hang out in his space.

[Anonymous]

The adult relative smoker in the house would immediately be a deal-breaker for me. I cannot begin to think what the home would smell like...on the relative's clothing, furniture. I cannot even stand to be in an elevator with a smoker.

DON"T do it! You will regret not having your peace of mind, freedom to do as you wish for your family. The walks outside sound important to you, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is their any way to make it work by limiting your time spent in the common areas of the house. In other words, can you set up your room with a mini fridge, a t.v. and stay in there as much as possible? And then get out of the house for walks, recreation and occasional meals out. You could even go away EVERY weekend for a whole lot cheaper than 20K.

I think the biggest worry is the dog that keeps getting in your face and I love dogs. Just not in my face. But even the dog isn't a worry if you don't hang out in his space.

OP: This is what I would almost certainly do. But that would require being able to set up the bedroom to my taste. I don't want to be cooped up in a bedroom styled to someone else's taste with someone else's shit everywhere. I think to myself though that I would really hate just sitting in my bedroom all day or having to load my son in his car seat, drive, and find parking just to be able to clear my head on a walk. 20k is a heck of an inducement though. This is almost like being paid 20k for one of those reality shows that doesn't let you leave the premises during filming, lol.

[Anonymous]

I would not expose a baby to cigarette smoke. It would be a deal breaker for me. All the other stuff I could deal with for 4 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is their any way to make it work by limiting your time spent in the common areas of the house. In other words, can you set up your room with a mini fridge, a t.v. and stay in there as much as possible? And then get out of the house for walks, recreation and occasional meals out. You could even go away EVERY weekend for a whole lot cheaper than 20K.

I think the biggest worry is the dog that keeps getting in your face and I love dogs. Just not in my face. But even the dog isn't a worry if you don't hang out in his space.

OP: This is what I would almost certainly do. But that would require being able to set up the bedroom to my taste. I don't want to be cooped up in a bedroom styled to someone else's taste with someone else's shit everywhere. I think to myself though that I would really hate just sitting in my bedroom all day or having to load my son in his car seat, drive, and find parking just to be able to clear my head on a walk. 20k is a heck of an inducement though. This is almost like being paid 20k for one of those reality shows that doesn't let you leave the premises during filming, lol.

I used to take my babies to malls, parks, playgrounds etc all the time. A 5-10 minute drive is really not that big of a deal, it's a minor inconvenience. Especially when you're talking 20K.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is their any way to make it work by limiting your time spent in the common areas of the house. In other words, can you set up your room with a mini fridge, a t.v. and stay in there as much as possible? And then get out of the house for walks, recreation and occasional meals out. You could even go away EVERY weekend for a whole lot cheaper than 20K.

I think the biggest worry is the dog that keeps getting in your face and I love dogs. Just not in my face. But even the dog isn't a worry if you don't hang out in his space.

OP: This is what I would almost certainly do. But that would require being able to set up the bedroom to my taste. I don't want to be cooped up in a bedroom styled to someone else's taste with someone else's shit everywhere. I think to myself though that I would really hate just sitting in my bedroom all day or having to load my son in his car seat, drive, and find parking just to be able to clear my head on a walk. 20k is a heck of an inducement though. This is almost like being paid 20k for one of those reality shows that doesn't let you leave the premises during filming, lol.

Different PP here.

The thing is, it's only four months. If it seems so unbearable, don't stay there. But I can't imagine needing to redo a whole room just for a 4-month stay.