Could save $20k, but in laws

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Surely you could find a 5-month rental for less than $20k? If it's just you, dh and a baby, you wouldn't need a big place.

I think you're risking permanent damage to your relationship with your IL's by moving in with them. I honestly don't think you'll save as much money as you're expecting too, and if the idea of spending a few months in a place you didn't decorate yourself seems that problematic, I really doubt this will go well, never kind all the other concerns.

I'd get a 1 bedroom luxury apartment. They usually just add a couple hundred to the rent. Spend $2000 and save half the amount and your sanity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh dear God, no!
Don't know the state of your finances, but saving 20K in these cirucmstances is so not worth it!

I've done this with my parents, except that we lasted 2 months in their apartment and had to move earlier than planned because we just could not get along.

For me the deal-breaker is the dog's behavior. The smoker's clothes, the cooking thing, etc are all uncomfortable but don't rise to the level of perpetual face-slurping on a baby.

So draw boundaries now and put your foot down.

You are lucky money is not an issue is all I can say to this...20k used to be almost an entire year income for us at one point. I would have taken 4 months with my ILs without a second thought then. And now 20k is still a huge amount of money...4 months with the ILs to save 20k is WELL worth it to me and I am sure my DH would agree.

[Anonymous]

Nope. You have doubts now for a reason. Move into a short term apartment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh dear God, no!
Don't know the state of your finances, but saving 20K in these cirucmstances is so not worth it!

I've done this with my parents, except that we lasted 2 months in their apartment and had to move earlier than planned because we just could not get along.

For me the deal-breaker is the dog's behavior. The smoker's clothes, the cooking thing, etc are all uncomfortable but don't rise to the level of perpetual face-slurping on a baby.

So draw boundaries now and put your foot down.

You are lucky money is not an issue is all I can say to this...20k used to be almost an entire year income for us at one point. I would have taken 4 months with my ILs without a second thought then. And now 20k is still a huge amount of money...4 months with the ILs to save 20k is WELL worth it to me and I am sure my DH would agree.

PP you responded to. Perhaps your ILs aren't that bad, then. I've been there too, finance-wise. We were living with my parents because DH was unemployed. After 2 months we scraped the bottom of the barrel to live in a ONE bedroom, all four of us, in an iffy neighborhood, because that's how much my mother was crazy-making! I understand if OP simply cannot afford any other option. We thought we had none either!
We're not rich, but you couldn't pay me 20K to live with my mother ever again.

[Anonymous]

I lived with my in-laws for a week and wanted to gouge my eyes out. They are nice people, too. We are just very different and my MIL had strong views about how to do things with my infant. We all got along for the most part, but I was so relieved when it was over. I cannot fathom doing it for four or five months. Again, as I think other folks have said on this thread, you know your family dynamic better than any of us. Only you really know whether you could handle it.

[Anonymous]

Will you or your husband be working during this 4 month period? (Sounds like you at least will not.)

Agree with PPs. Find a cheap rental. A one bedroom is fine with an infant. You might have to suck up a longer commute for a while if one of you is working, but consider that the trade-off.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound particular. That's not intended to knock you, but your posts definitely indicate that you don't have the right personality type to roll with the situation you described for 4 months. So don't do it, it will create unnecessary stress with your in laws that will permanently damage your relationship.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, I tried living with my own parents for 5 months when my daughter arrived and my husband could only be with us for the birth before he went back overseas. We all had the best of intentions but it was a disaster. Similar issues: dogs, fur, untidyness, space and noise issues. It was hard on my dad. I was so mad at my mom all the time, it was like being a teen again.

I lasted about a month before I found a $700/month furnished dump that I disinfected and lived in happily with my toddler and newborn until it was time to rejoin my husband. It was better for everyone. People could visit me and the newborn without my parents having the stress of hosting random friends and inlaws of mine. My parents still came over to my little rental every day to spend time with us. My mom was really hurt though. Her siblings asked her about it quizzically and it's still brought up as a really strange thing for me to do. But my mom also told me it was for the best.

A lot of the problem was me, I needed to nest and have a very clean simple environment close to grocery stores, pools (it was summer), activities for my toddler and me to do. I was mad at my parents all the time for petty reasons and it wasn't fair to them.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I have decided to give living with my in laws a try. 20k in tax-free money is a lot and in return, maybe I can navigate some differences with my in laws with tolerance and patience, which will help me grow. Please wish me luck. I hope I will not need it, but here goes....

[Anonymous]

Good luck and best wishes Op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband, child and I are moving from our current state to our in laws' state. They have generously offered to let us live with them rent-free for four months until I start my job in a different part of the state. They have also offered to let us use their spare car. We would be splitting utilities and food bills, and paying for gas in the spare car. In all, we would save about $20,000 if we live with them first than if we move into our own apartment immediately.

My husband is on board and I was too until this weekend. We spent the weekend with them and that reminded me of why I am just not sure I would be happy there for five months:

--I don't particularly like the house. Their home is a little cluttered, cold, dingy, and covered in dog hair, and I am somewhat of a neat freak who loves to get a lot of light and air. We would have our own bedroom, but I don't get the feeling they'd be okay with me redecorating the bedroom or making major changes to adapt it to my taste.
--They have an adult relative who still lives at home and smokes. She is a sweetheart and never smokes in the house, but I worry about my son's exposure to the smoke on her clothes. She also doesn't really get along with them and has been known to steal (but I don't think she would steal from my husband and I).
--They have this huge, constantly shedding, constantly drooling dog who they have not disciplined very well. He snatches food from our plates at the first opportunity, chews up anything he can get his paws on, and keeps putting his mouth in my little son's face when I am trying to nurse, change, or just play with him. I really wish they would keep him away from the living room, but they give him free rein of the house.
--I love to cook, but so does my MIL, and we do not cook the same cuisines, so I would not feel comfortable in the kitchen unless she was at work.
--My in laws live far from the city, so I would not be able to visit friends or have friends visit, except with a 1 hour trip.
--I love to walk and push my son around, but their neighborhood has no sidewalks (I am not kidding -- no sidewalks at all), so I would have to drive 5 or 10 minutes just to take a walk with my son.
--My husband and his parents have been talking about all of us moving in together one day and I worry this is a trial run. I am not on board at all with all of us living together one day, especially since my in laws are hellbent on staying in the suburb where they live and I am not interested in living there. I don't want to hear in 2 or 3 years time "Oh, but we let you live with us and it was great. Why can't we all move in?"

Apart from these big/small things, we all get along well and my husband and I could always use an extra 20k, even though we are not hurting financially. They could see more of their grandchild and help out a bit with child care (not a lot though bc they both still work).

Would you all move in with them?

Of course, you don't redecorate someone else's house, especially for a 4 month stay. You sound high maintenance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have decided to give living with my in laws a try. 20k in tax-free money is a lot and in return, maybe I can navigate some differences with my in laws with tolerance and patience, which will help me grow. Please wish me luck. I hope I will not need it, but here goes....

Good luck. Don't say we didn't warn you.

[Anonymous]

I would not even want to stay in this house for a weekend. Ugh. Rent a cheap one bedroom plus den while u r looking for a place to buy.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I will keep you all posted about the good, the bad, and the ugly, lol.

[Anonymous]

"OP: I am really afraid of this. Once I left my parents' house, I knew I never ever again wanted to live with anyone except my spouse and kids. I feel I have worked too hard not to be comfortable in my own space. I don't want to have to deal with the inevitable fight over his parents moving in until I have to, but you are totally right, moving in with them now could give them leverage for emotional blackmail."

OP, you need to deal with this "inevitable fight" now, and not put it off until the day (even years down the road) when the in-laws and probably your husband are pressuring you hard to become one big happy family. You and your husband MUST talk seriously about that, and unfortunately this short-term offer to stay with his parents muddies the waters badly, I think; it does indeed give them a trial run that later will enable them to say "We survived before, it'll be fine to make a permanent move in together!"

If your husband is not 100 percent behind you on what is your very, very clear need to live with your immediate family and no others -- you and he might need a third party like a counselor to help you get on the same page. I would think that living with relatives (and I mean eventually and permanently, not short-term) is truly a non-negotiable issue; if either partner does not want it, it cannot work, and will end up straining your marriage, severely. Your husband, especially if his family history or his culture tends toward generations all living together, might be a person who won't hear you when you say "But this is not how I can live." Some people need to hear difficult things from a professional third party because they just can't hear them from their spouses. Is he like that?

In the short term, I would get your own place for the four-month stint. Initially I thought, "Suck it up and save the money" because it's a huge savings. But if this is going to be used as a precedent, and create tensions during the four months that will end up as resentments the whole time you live in the area and see the in-laws -- I'd just get a place temporarily.

OP, how is your husband at setting boundaries? I would be concerned that living this near the in-laws could end up with some boundary issues if they want to be at your new home a lot, or expect you to bring your child to them a lot more than you wish to.....It also could be great for everyone involved, since you say that you do get along with them fine other than some specific issues that will only crop up if you are under the same roof. But I'd think through (and talk with your husband about) boundaries, once you are settled and see how much the in-laws are in your daily lives.