School Bullying -- Go Directly to School or Courtesy Heads Up to Parents First?
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Anonymous
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My 8th grade DD is in a few classes with a boy whom, over the course of the last several months, has become increasingly verbally abusive to her during class periods. He says things like, "Hey Larla, go f#$%@ yourself" and "No one f$#*ing cares about what you think" and so on and so on. She is an excellent student (some resentment does seem to be at the root of the bullying) but pretty shy and very non-confrontational. As a result, her approach has generally been to ignore him but that only seems to egg him on.
On Monday, he crossed the line into physical contact where he rubbed his backside up and down her leg. She referred to it as "twerking." She was really grossed out by this (I would have been, too) and she has decided that she would like us to inform the school. We are all in favor of that and have already written a note but haven't sent it because my DH thinks we should reach out to the parents beforehand as a courtesy. I, on the other hand, would prefer to go through the school because we don't know the boy or his family and don't know how they will react to our confronting them about his behavior. FWIW, we are not as much interested in having him punished as we are having him just leave her alone. What would you do in this situation? Thanks in advance for your advice and counsel. We've thankfully never had to deal with anything like this before and really want to do the right thing. |
Anonymous
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We did both, but we're pleasantly surprised how effective it was contacting parents first. My initial thought was that the parents probably would not be receptive or facilitate change.
I was wrong. |
Anonymous
| I think that contacting his parents first will set a good example for your daughter. You can show her that conflicts are best addressed at the lowest possible level first, and then elevated as necessary. If my child was behaving in the way that you describe this child behaving towards your daughter, I'd be horrified, and I'd want to know. If you take it to the school first, the family won't have a chance to address it. If the behavior continues after that outreach, then take to the next level. |
Anonymous
| This is not a conflict, but rather an assault and I would treat it as such. I doubt that I would go to the parents, but if I did, it would be IN ADDITION to reporting it to the school. And, FWIW, that boy will be lucky if you don't go to the police. |
Anonymous
| I had unwanted attention from a boy in middle school, and I wouldn't have wanted my parents to contact his parents. I think acting through the school is the best way. |
Anonymous
+1! Signed, A Former School Counselor When things like this happen in school, it's very important to let the school know. Chances are this kid is doing it to someone else also. I couldn't agree more that this is NOT a conflict. It's bullying and harassment and when it became physical he opened himself up to really serious consequences. OP, I've worked in schools for many years and they are political organizations designed to protect themselves. Talk to your daughter about keeping detailed notes about what's happening. Kids like this tend to push the limits- if he's not held accountable now he will likely not stop and the behavior will escalate. As a parent I would want the parent of the kid my child harassed to let me know directly, BUT unless you know the parents you don't know the reaction you'll get. It's crap shoot. Whatever you choose to do, please keep a record of the incidents and the communication you have with the school or parents. Good luck to you and DD. |
Anonymous
| i think he's not bullying her (harming intentionally) rather wants her attention. school can get him to back off easier. |
Anonymous
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If you do not know his parents, why would you contact them? To be blunt, you don't "owe" them a heads-up or any courtesy. This boy is likely learning this language somewhere. At home, maybe? Or if he's not hearing it from the adults in his life, then he is being given too much leeway to see stuff on TV he shouldn't be seeing, or he's aping someone like an older sibling who is crude. Whatever the source, unless this family is already known to you, do not give them a chance to get defensive or make excuses for this boy.
Please do not wait another day while your husband ponders this. I would not just "write a note" but would send an e-mail today, with time, place and details of the incident where he rubbed against her. Send it to the teacher; the principal and vice-principal; and counselor -- all at once. Turn on that function on your e-mail that lets you know when the e-mail gets read. End the e-mail with a specific request to meet the next day in person with those people. Explain that you will be there to hear what the school plans to do about this behavior, both verbal and physical. If they refuse to meet or are balky about acting: Tell them you would be glad to take it up at a level outside the school, say, with the principal for the school cluster, or at the board. Tell them you are entirely willing to get the school resource officer (who is a cop) involved immediately if there is not a change and fast. She should know you have her back. That does NOT mean a courtesy notification to his parents. It means you tell someone today, not tomorrow. She herself can go to the counselor to report it for sure (she should take that responsiblity) but you also need to report it and be sure the school follows up. If he is in her classes, you need to ensure that he is not put into any team or group projects with her, that he is not put in her group for field trips, etc. The teachers CAN make that happen if they try. But you may have to spell it out for them. Just saying "We only want him to leave her alone" is not enough. |
Anonymous
| Boys twerk? |
Anonymous
13:43 again- Was this the OP? Harassment can be very harmful as well. Just because he "wants her attention" doesn't mean that his behavior isn't harmful. HOPEFULLY the school can get him to back off- this isn't always the case. I worked with a 7th grader who was being stalked (obv. not the case here). That boy just wanted her attention too. |
Anonymous
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I am one for going to the parents. That is just how I roll. I counseled a friend to do that the other day. Other kid's parents were mortified at the behaviour their kid had hidden. Bet that s*** stopped cold the next day.
But I am also a bit "radical" and would counsel my DD that the next time this punk tried twerking on her, she should kick him square in his ASS! The principal can feel free to contact me directly if he has a problem with it. |
Anonymous
OP here. Thanks to everyone for responding. No, that was not me. I am confident that his behavior is malicious and intended to make her upset. |
Anonymous
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I would NOT go to the parents first unless you make it clear that you are simultaneously letting the school know.
Otherwise, what will you do if they ask that they deal with the situation themselves and that you not involve the school?? You would have been better off just going to the school directly. |
Anonymous
NEVER GO TO THE PARENTS FIRST! Parents can be completely batshit crazy and most will be defensive. Stay out of it with other parents. |
Anonymous
Yes, this. Whether or not you address this with the parents, the school needs to know this is happening. |