School Bullying -- Go Directly to School or Courtesy Heads Up to Parents First?

[Anonymous]

Given that your daughter said she wanted the school to know, I would not consider any option that doesn't include that. She told you what she needs from you, you told her you had her back, and now you need to follow through on that. And if she's at a point where she wants the school to know its because she feels afraid. Having his parents in on the secret does absolutely nothing to help her fear. Having the school aware means she has someone to go to when the harassment is happening.
I would tell the school first, and then decide if you want to communicate directly with the parents.

[Anonymous]

This is super, super inappropriate and I'm sorry, OP, that your daughter has to deal with it.

I really think you should go to the parents but make it 100% clear that you're also telling the school regardless of what they say. Or, tell the school but inform them that you're contacting the parents immediately after (they might advise you not to, I don't know). I think it's a courtesy to tell the parents and it could make some convos down the road much less awkward.

That being said, I don't think this is one of those really obvious cases.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We did both, but we're pleasantly surprised how effective it was contacting parents first. My initial thought was that the parents probably would not be receptive or facilitate change.

I was wrong.

I would definitely go through the school. An email--leave it vague, details can be discussed over the phone--to the parents is an voluntary but who knows, possibly useful, second route.

Expect and demand the best response from the school. Who knows what you'll get from the parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not a conflict, but rather an assault and I would treat it as such. I doubt that I would go to the parents, but if I did, it would be IN ADDITION to reporting it to the school. And, FWIW, that boy will be lucky if you don't go to the police.

This.

[Anonymous]

I would not go to parents first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would NOT go to the parents first unless you make it clear that you are simultaneously letting the school know.

Otherwise, what will you do if they ask that they deal with the situation themselves and that you not involve the school?? You would have been better off just going to the school directly.

Yes, this. Whether or not you address this with the parents, the school needs to know this is happening.

+100

watch that yuppy movie about the kid with the stick in the park..famous actors...drawing a blank...remember how that parental confrontation went.

Never go to stranger's for something like this. It's 8th grade with over 500 kids most likely. You are asking for trouble going to people you know absolutely nothing about. This isn't preschool.

I would NEVER contact another parent...at that age it would probably be hard to find the parental contacts anyway. Let the professionals handle it.

I am thinking some of the 'go to the parent people' have a child that probably gets into a lot of trouble and they are looking at it through their glasses.

[Anonymous]

I would go to the school. If this kid runs with a crowd and he gets into trouble with his parents for this, it's very easy for him to personally back off but for the rest of his crowd to take up the bullying on his behalf. Then you have a group of kids harassing your daughter, while the key offender can shrug and say he wasn't doing anything. If you go to the school, they are in a better position to keep an eye on the whole situation, and will be able to see the big picture better than individual parents will if the source of the bullying merely shifts.

[Anonymous]

Go to the school. He may have other victims and his behavior needs to be stopped. The school will nip this in the bud. I wouldn't be confident that my child would be protected from the bully if I were to go to the parents. And this behavior is malicious and inappropriate - it needs to be dealt with by the school immediately.

[Anonymous]

Be aware of what social tools (apps) might also be used to bully your daughter.

Things like yik yak and burnbook.

Just be aware in case he things he is moving the bulleyin to another venue.

[Anonymous]

After the first couple of verbal comments, I might have gone to the parents. As soon as he touched your DD it was assault. If this happened in a workplace then this would immediately be viewed as sexual harassment in the very least. Also, your DD has asked you to go to the school. Go to the school NOW.

[Anonymous]

What this kid did constitutes an assault. I would absolutely notify the school, in writing. I would probably cc the parents, but I would not just go to them first. I might reconsider if my daughter were asking me not to notify the school first, but here your daughter is asking you to involve the school. I wouldn't second-guess that.

[Anonymous]

I would show up the school. Maybe bring cousin Guido along for the ride and a big dog. Hang out in front at dismissal time. Look him in the eye (from afar). Get a vibe. Give him a nod so he knows that you know and he is going down. Maybe whip out the cell and take a photo. Give a smile to my daughter. Walk directly into the school and straight to the principal's office.
Let them deal with the parents, get this on record.

I would also have a candid talk with all her teachers and let them know to reach out privately to me if they see anything happen.

A call to the parents would only happen if I knew the parents.

[Anonymous]

My middle school daughter had a boy grab her behind earlier this year. The counselor for her grade handled the entire thing - immediately. My impression was that they take it seriously and are well-prepared to handle this. I would report it to the school immediately.

[Anonymous]

Go. to. the. school. I would absolutely not go top the parents. This has to be on the school's radar screen and your DD specifically asked for that. This may be a kid with emotional issues and you don;t want the response mediated through the parents. It could make things worse for your child in so many ways.

This is not about courtesy. Any professional would tell you to go straight to the school. It is up to the school to contact the parents in an appropriate fashion. This should not be handled parent to parent.

[Anonymous]

Given that your daughter said she wanted the school to know, I would not consider any option that doesn't include that. She told you what she needs from you, you told her you had her back, and now you need to follow through on that. And if she's at a point where she wants the school to know its because she feels afraid. Having his parents in on the secret does absolutely nothing to help her fear. Having the school aware means she has someone to go to when the harassment is happening.
I would tell the school first, and then decide if you want to communicate directly with the parents.

This. I also agree with the PPs that this isn't just bullying anymore, it's assualt and has progressed well beyond the points it should be handled between parents.