What about this as a breach of trust?

[Anonymous]

Some background: I experienced basically what I would describe as a mental breakdown late last year. Admitted myself to psych ward, completed three weeks of outpatient treatment, and have since been in weekly psychotherapy sessions. And taking Lexapro. I am finally feeling stable and that life is manageable. Through therapy, learning many things, but one thing that keeps surfacing as an issue is my marriage. Specifically that my spouse is a habitual and heavy pot smoker. And is a stay at home parent. I am not comfortable with the pot use for a number of reasons - but could be ok with some different version of it given a certain set of factors that aren't in play now (e.g., quantity reduced dramatically, certain designated truly recreational times to smoke, living somewhere it were legal-we don't live in DC, spouse returns to work, etc.) anyway, have been discussing all this with my therapist in individual sessions which brings me to...

The breach of trust: my spouse recently attended a session with my therapist in preparation for a couples session we had scheduled for a few weeks out. in this session, where I was not present, my therapist (with my permission) raised the pot issue. i have raised issues about this with my spouse in the past, voicing my concerns and discomfort, but haven't pushed it too far. Yes, I have been an enabler. And didn't sayy prior to my spouses session that I had talked to her about it, though it has come up several times since I've been in therapy. Anyway, tonight my spouse said that discussing this matter with my therapist was a huge breach of trust on my part, that there are trust issues with me anyway, and that never thought I would be the "variable." That I have exposed our family to risk (like my therapist would call CPS or something - never mind patient privilege of the fact that she has no reason or interest to do such a thing). And that I knew about the smoking before we were married. That I was previously told never to make it a decision between the pot or me. And that this will never change and my spouse will never give it up.

What do you think. Breach of trust? Or perhaps more importantly, is it time to go? I would like to give it one last shot in couples therapy, but my spouse said this issue is not open for discussion with the therapist. Period.

Sorry in advance for typos and length. I just feel numb by this exchange. Just happened tonight. Any and all thoughts welcomed.

[Anonymous]

What's the breach!

[Anonymous]

Sorry - point was lost in my rambling post. He thinks I breached his trust by telling my therapist about his pot smoking.

[Anonymous]

He said you should never force him to choose between you and pot??? That's your answer. If pot is now a dealbreaker for you, you should to leave. Is it? But if you leave, what happens to your child, custody, etc.?

NOT a breach of trust to raise it with your therapist.

[Anonymous]

He just said if you force his hand, you will LOSE in a contest with pot. It really doesn't matter what you insert in the place of pot, that's unacceptable. How can you go to therapy when he has told you one of your biggest issues has to be taken off the table?! I'm sorry, but this is over. Start planning your exit.

[Anonymous]

That I was previously told never to make it a decision between the pot or me. And that this will never change and my spouse will never give it up.

I told another woman on here that her husband loved weed more than he loved her or their kids and she got mad. You confirmed what I've seen for years from drug users. They will always pick dope over everything and will try to get you into it. There is no such thing as recreational drug use. You use them to get high. You want everyone to get high. You become irresponsible and a danger to your kids when you're high. That includes ANY drug you abuse.

As for breach of trust ? What's the point of therapy if you're going to omit and or lie about a certain problem ?

[Anonymous]

Op here - yes, PP think that's exactly the right question. Whether it is a dealbreaker. I don't think it is under a different set of circumstances - I truly do not take issue with recreational use. But I think we differ in what we consider recreational. I think the fact that he says don't make me choose suggests that this goes beyond recreational use to some kind of addiction. And all the things that come after the "but" in your post thst concern me. Custody of our kids, etc., yeah that would get messy and complicated. But any messier than continuing in a marriage with someone that says he would never ever quit? When, by the way, that's not even necessarily what I asked him to do? And even if I did - really? I just can't believe he said it like that. I don't remember him saying it like that before, but if he did, it was pre-marriage, pre-kids, pre- oh so much! Is that really a dealbreaker for HIM? And that he was won't even discuss it with me in therapy???

[Anonymous]

It's not a breach of trust if you hadn't previously agreed with spouse not to disclose the pot issue (and even then there would be exceptions). You're in therapy and since this seems like the main issue for you it must be discussed. I am wondering if you are the same OP from recent threads about pot use, verbal abuse, etc. and I am sorry you're going through this. Either way, based on your description of your spouse's unwillingness to address his issues and how combative and inflexible he seems, I'd say it's time to go. I mean, you've already had a mental breakdown and he is basically acting like his issues are non negotiable and refusing any personal responsibility? What else will it take for him to work with you and not against you? Sorry, OP, but the fact that you feel the need to disprove claims he is making against you are probably a sign you've been putting up with way too much and experiencing some form of emotional abuse by this person. I hope you can regain confidence and move on without this nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He just said if you force his hand, you will LOSE in a contest with pot. It really doesn't matter what you insert in the place of pot, that's unacceptable. How can you go to therapy when he has told you one of your biggest issues has to be taken off the table?! I'm sorry, but this is over. Start planning your exit.

Op here - this is it exactly. I fear you are right. I love this man so much - he is a kind and doting father. And a really really good man. If you knew him, me, us socially (even close friends) - don't think you would see this coming. We are far from the perfect family, but all outward appearances would never ever suggest he would say something like that to me. I myself am in a bit of shock and denial tonight.

[Anonymous]

The custody won't be complicated. You will get the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some background: I experienced basically what I would describe as a mental breakdown late last year. Admitted myself to psych ward, completed three weeks of outpatient treatment, and have since been in weekly psychotherapy sessions. And taking Lexapro. I am finally feeling stable and that life is manageable. Through therapy, learning many things, but one thing that keeps surfacing as an issue is my marriage. Specifically that my spouse is a habitual and heavy pot smoker. And is a stay at home parent. I am not comfortable with the pot use for a number of reasons - but could be ok with some different version of it given a certain set of factors that aren't in play now (e.g., quantity reduced dramatically, certain designated truly recreational times to smoke, living somewhere it were legal-we don't live in DC, spouse returns to work, etc.) anyway, have been discussing all this with my therapist in individual sessions which brings me to...

The breach of trust: my spouse recently attended a session with my therapist in preparation for a couples session we had scheduled for a few weeks out. in this session, where I was not present, my therapist (with my permission) raised the pot issue. i have raised issues about this with my spouse in the past, voicing my concerns and discomfort, but haven't pushed it too far. Yes, I have been an enabler. And didn't sayy prior to my spouses session that I had talked to her about it, though it has come up several times since I've been in therapy. Anyway, tonight my spouse said that discussing this matter with my therapist was a huge breach of trust on my part, that there are trust issues with me anyway, and that never thought I would be the "variable." That I have exposed our family to risk (like my therapist would call CPS or something - never mind patient privilege of the fact that she has no reason or interest to do such a thing). And that I knew about the smoking before we were married. That I was previously told never to make it a decision between the pot or me. And that this will never change and my spouse will never give it up.

What do you think. Breach of trust? Or perhaps more importantly, is it time to go? I would like to give it one last shot in couples therapy, but my spouse said this issue is not open for discussion with the therapist. Period.

Sorry in advance for typos and length. I just feel numb by this exchange. Just happened tonight. Any and all thoughts welcomed.

He thinks YOU have exposed your family to risk? He smokes illegal drugs--in your home I'll bet, right? You DH is an asshole and you do enable him. Give therapy a shot, but I don't have high hopes for your marriage. You have the right to discuss whatever is affecting you to your therapist. Sorry OP

[Anonymous]

OP, is this you?

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/410077.page

If not, take a read. It's worth it.

And yes. Time to go.

[Anonymous]

Get a really good lawyer. He is a SAHD right now? You don't want to be paying alimony so he can continue to sit on his ass and smoke up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some background: I experienced basically what I would describe as a mental breakdown late last year. Admitted myself to psych ward, completed three weeks of outpatient treatment, and have since been in weekly psychotherapy sessions. And taking Lexapro. I am finally feeling stable and that life is manageable. Through therapy, learning many things, but one thing that keeps surfacing as an issue is my marriage. Specifically that my spouse is a habitual and heavy pot smoker. And is a stay at home parent. I am not comfortable with the pot use for a number of reasons - but could be ok with some different version of it given a certain set of factors that aren't in play now (e.g., quantity reduced dramatically, certain designated truly recreational times to smoke, living somewhere it were legal-we don't live in DC, spouse returns to work, etc.) anyway, have been discussing all this with my therapist in individual sessions which brings me to...

The breach of trust: my spouse recently attended a session with my therapist in preparation for a couples session we had scheduled for a few weeks out. in this session, where I was not present, my therapist (with my permission) raised the pot issue. i have raised issues about this with my spouse in the past, voicing my concerns and discomfort, but haven't pushed it too far. Yes, I have been an enabler. And didn't sayy prior to my spouses session that I had talked to her about it, though it has come up several times since I've been in therapy. Anyway, tonight my spouse said that discussing this matter with my therapist was a huge breach of trust on my part, that there are trust issues with me anyway, and that never thought I would be the "variable." That I have exposed our family to risk (like my therapist would call CPS or something - never mind patient privilege of the fact that she has no reason or interest to do such a thing). And that I knew about the smoking before we were married. That I was previously told never to make it a decision between the pot or me. And that this will never change and my spouse will never give it up.

What do you think. Breach of trust? Or perhaps more importantly, is it time to go? I would like to give it one last shot in couples therapy, but my spouse said this issue is not open for discussion with the therapist. Period.

Sorry in advance for typos and length. I just feel numb by this exchange. Just happened tonight. Any and all thoughts welcomed.

1. Your spouse is not the therapist's patient, and
2. You're not comfortable with the drug use, and how it affects your kids. And your therapist is probably mandated to report drug abuse around children. They are in my state.

Not a 'breach of trust,' and yes, time to go if your spouse is non-cooperative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not a breach of trust if you hadn't previously agreed with spouse not to disclose the pot issue (and even then there would be exceptions). You're in therapy and since this seems like the main issue for you it must be discussed. I am wondering if you are the same OP from recent threads about pot use, verbal abuse, etc. and I am sorry you're going through this. Either way, based on your description of your spouse's unwillingness to address his issues and how combative and inflexible he seems, I'd say it's time to go. I mean, you've already had a mental breakdown and he is basically acting like his issues are non negotiable and refusing any personal responsibility? What else will it take for him to work with you and not against you? Sorry, OP, but the fact that you feel the need to disprove claims he is making against you are probably a sign you've been putting up with way too much and experiencing some form of emotional abuse by this person. I hope you can regain confidence and move on without this nonsense.

I am not that poster, but I read the threads and that was eye opening. No apparent abuse, but we, I, have been through a series of traumas that contributed to the breakdown. And though he didnt handle those traumas particularly well (nor did i), I still wouldn't call his treatment of me abuse. I think he is psychologically addicted, maybe also physically addicted to pot because he is probably using it to self-medicate for anxiety and depression. And to be fair, I have smoked too in the past. Never anywhere close to his level (I dont like it enough to and anyway couldn't - never smoked during pregnancies breastfeeding and moreover I'm the breadwinner and have a very demanding job). But I take Lexapro now. To him, that's the same (maybe worse) than using pot to medicate for same issues. As I type all this, it just sounds crazy. And I've been feeling like that for a long time now. I wanted therapy to work because I wanted to feel like I've done everything possible to save us. But by taking it off the table - yeah, you are right - WTF else am I supposed to do