need feedback from a cannabis user married to a non user or vice versa

[Anonymous]

Please, do not respond if you arent in this category. Im really in a sad place and Ive drafted three posts and discarded them all. Its just a mess of a situation.

Bottom line is: I want to know if anyone out there has an honest functional relationship as user married to non user/non user married to user.

My husband has never ever done what he says he will, with respect to amount and extent of his habit, and lying about it to me at will in accordance with his own wishes in the moment, as opposed to an agreement mutually decided upon, even with him setting the terms of what expectations should be.

I married someone who had quit a few years before we got married, and I didnt know the habit was going to be reinstated, or that once it was, it would just never unfold the way I was told it would. He made specific statements about how much he would use, and how he would be discreet, and broke every single parameter set forth by himself. When called out on it, all I get is anger and righteousness.

The worst thing is, I am treated like I cant possibly have valid issues, that anything I say is tainted by the fact that I am not a user myself, so I dont understand. Its total bullshit. Ive smoked weed in high school, the only thing I dont understand is the need to take several hits from a one hitter throughout the entire day every day. Especially after explicitly stating that is exactly NOT what would take place.

I also dont understand the righteousness with which he treats his habit. He acts completely entitled to maintain a $300 a month habit although we are in a terribly precarious financial situation. I dont buy myself anything, we dont save, but the $300 is a MANDATORY expenditure by him with no compromise. Its a cut back from his $500 a month habit, you see. Today I found out that he had withdrawn cash from our very low bank account AGAIN without telling me in advance this time because he had given some friends some of his supply and needed to purchase a new supply sooner than he had just promised two weeks before. "I am an adult. I know who my friends are. I know what needs to be done" is what I get when I get upset.

So, because I am not a user, I dont understand or have any valid points regarding honesty. I know that is bullshit. But I want to hear it from a user who treats their spouse normally and with respect eventhough they arent a user.

I know he has ADD and depression and his communication is naturally not great. But how he communicates about weed is just awful and not partner like at all.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry, your husband is a drug addict and nothing will change unless he decides to change, and that doesn't happen easily and its not happening here. FWIW, honesty goes by the wayside when addiction enters the picture. I would suggest finding a local chapter of nar-anon for advice. Do you have children?

[Anonymous]

PP here--sorry, I realize that you do not want to hear from me (I don't smoke weed). But I have dated a drug addict and his behavior was similar. He chose drugs over our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here--sorry, I realize that you do not want to hear from me (I don't smoke weed). But I have dated a drug addict and his behavior was similar. He chose drugs over our relationship.

No, thats ok, you dated an addict, that counts as experience! And Im sorry for your experience.

It is precisely because my husband identifies himself as a user and not an addict, a category of person I believe does exist, that I want to hear from a user or someone married to one as a point of reasonable comparison. Then I can maybe have a conversation with DH about how users who identify themselves as such and whose spouses would agree with that identification actually handle the issue.

[Anonymous]

Well, I'm a user and my DH is not. I only smoke about 2xs a week and spend no more than $100 per year. I cannot so much as have a singlr alcoholic beverage withoit getting ill. I use it to relax. My DH fully supports it. When I smoke it's pound town. My DH could not object anyways. He unwimds with 3 beers, I with 3 puffs.

Your DH sounds like an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I'm a user and my DH is not. I only smoke about 2xs a week and spend no more than $100 per year. I cannot so much as have a singlr alcoholic beverage withoit getting ill. I use it to relax. My DH fully supports it. When I smoke it's pound town. My DH could not object anyways. He unwimds with 3 beers, I with 3 puffs.

Your DH sounds like an issue.

OP here. Right. See now this I would not even begin to have a problem with. There is a point at which its just the same as that glass or two of red wine I enjoy. DH is beyond that. He will not see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry, your husband is a drug addict and nothing will change unless he decides to change, and that doesn't happen easily and its not happening here. FWIW, honesty goes by the wayside when addiction enters the picture. I would suggest finding a local chapter of nar-anon for advice. Do you have children?

This is way beyond all of that. I knew this last year, and made plans to slowly move towards being away from him someday. I have to build a career to make that possible. That will take time.

In the meantime, since I already know all this, all I want is some frame of reference to provide DH with to model what would be not an addictive pattern. You know, just so that daily life with him is bearable till I can get out. We have one 8 year old. DH finally managed to obey my request to only smoke in the garage workshop. At least she hasnt seen it yet. Once she does, it will be a real game changer.

[Anonymous]

But, just to be fair 1000%, I want to hear from a non addict, the person who uses and has an honest relationship with their habit and their spouse.

If DH can move toward that, then that would be great. I think he needs an image of what to move towards and to "hear" that the problem is not that I dont get it.

His impression of me having no credibility on the difference between using and being addicted might have to give way with testimony from actual users. The three puffs lady was a perfect example.

Of course its up to him. I already have my plans. We are just financially strapped, and I have to focus on responses to him that create the most balance possible for our child.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure that anything anyone could tell you here would provide a model that you could then successfully implement with your husband. I think you would benefit first from individual therapy to deal with this, and then later if he is willing, couples therapy.

[Anonymous]

I'm a (medical) user thanks to a few brain tumors - DH is not. I only smoke in the evenings after everything else is done so I can eat something and get some sleep, it is simply off limits to me if I have things to get done, but I do smoke every day (DH encourages because otherwise I can't eat and he worries). I know another man who had serious head injuries from a motorcycle accident and smokes all day every day - I'm good friends with his wife. She has to keep up a whiteboard of tasks for him to do so he can visually see his responsibilities and check them off because otherwise he enters into a fog and does nothing. It's extra work for her but he has a good excuse to be smoking and she'd rather see that than him popping pain pills day in and day out. Dunno if either of those are helpful scenarios since it doesn't sound like your husband has a diagnosed issue (maybe anxiety? A lot of people who smoke recreationally but a lot have anxiety) but my takeaways would be 1) the user needs to have enough self control to regulate usage so that they're able to meet their daily responsibilities 2) sometimes it is hard on the spouse, and he needs to be prepared to speak honestly with you and really hear you when you tell him how difficult his habit is making things.

FWIW I go without a lot of little luxuries to afford my habit because it improves my quality of life so immensely, but when things were really tough I took a few months off from smoking so we could pay our bills. Have to be able to weigh priorities and recognize that they are going to shift according to circumstance.

[Anonymous]

OP, this isn't about marijuana. This is about addiction and the behaviors that go along with it. If you wrote your post over again and substituted "gambling" or "collecting dolls" in placing of smoking weed, you'd still have a spouse that has lied, spent money that you don't have and is defensive all the time. He's doing what addicts do: transferring the issue onto you. He's shutting you out and being dishonest with everyone, including himself.

Get yourself to Al-Anon or some other type of support group for family members of addicts.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I have been there. My now-XH also had ADD and medicated his anxiety with pot. He didn't smoke at home, but he was blazing with my BIL every chance he got. The pot-smoking contributed to the demise of both marriages. In my case, it wasn't the financial hit, but rather his inability/refusal to explore other coping skills. As a result, he couldn't handle a stressful situation if he wasn't stoned. And of course, he couldn't actually handle a stressful situation while he was stoned. So I ended up handling every crisis --often while he roamed around looking for someone to buy from. While I was pregnant, I couldn't stand the smell of it on his clothing and hair, so I begged him to quit. He did and then had a nervous breakdown/mental health crisis when the next round of stress hit.
We're divorced and he still smokes, is still a train wreck when there's an emergency. Pot is such a part of him that he will never quit. I just advise you to set your DH up with other coping mechanisms before you ask him to stop.
I don't know if pot is addictive, but it does create situations of mental dysfunction like alcohol or other drugs can. People with ADD or mental illness seem especially vulnerable to a dependency on pot to be able to navigate even normal stresses of everyday life.They also seem less likely to recognize that they have moved from recreational use to a problem.
I wish you luck and peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure that anything anyone could tell you here would provide a model that you could then successfully implement with your husband. I think you would benefit first from individual therapy to deal with this, and then later if he is willing, couples therapy.

Been there. Done that. Didnt work. He refuses to be held accountable on anything. Therapist threw her hands up in the air. Actually more than one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I have been there. My now-XH also had ADD and medicated his anxiety with pot. He didn't smoke at home, but he was blazing with my BIL every chance he got. The pot-smoking contributed to the demise of both marriages. In my case, it wasn't the financial hit, but rather his inability/refusal to explore other coping skills. As a result, he couldn't handle a stressful situation if he wasn't stoned. And of course, he couldn't actually handle a stressful situation while he was stoned. So I ended up handling every crisis --often while he roamed around looking for someone to buy from. While I was pregnant, I couldn't stand the smell of it on his clothing and hair, so I begged him to quit. He did and then had a nervous breakdown/mental health crisis when the next round of stress hit.
We're divorced and he still smokes, is still a train wreck when there's an emergency. Pot is such a part of him that he will never quit. I just advise you to set your DH up with other coping mechanisms before you ask him to stop.
I don't know if pot is addictive, but it does create situations of mental dysfunction like alcohol or other drugs can. People with ADD or mental illness seem especially vulnerable to a dependency on pot to be able to navigate even normal stresses of everyday life.They also seem less likely to recognize that they have moved from recreational use to a problem.
I wish you luck and peace.

OP here. So sorry to hear all of this.This sounds somewhat similar to my situation. Luckily he doesnt roam around for a source. He has that much organized. Of course I cannot set him up with any other coping mechanism, because, as you experienced, you cant make someone who refuses to do something else do something else.

DH is the sole breadwinner (well, I just got one part time job and will add on another soon) and so he has been hard working and functional in some ways. Its just everything that is an actual adult responsibility outside of that. Bills, managing the business, HIS business, etc. Right now however, he is working very hard on a big project that should pay off for him. Its all he can do to barrell through it. He is not without positive qualities but his addiction (that he doesnt have) is this very contrived blind spot. The things he says are absurd and ridiculous and dont match up with reality on this ONE ISSUE. There are other things about which he doesnt track, but on this one he takes it to a new level.

I agree his ADHD is hampering him- he is on meds for that and depression. HE TOLD THE PSYCHIATRIST HE SMOKES ABOUT AN OUNCE A MONTH and she didnt tell him anything about how it might affect his medication effectiveness. Other therapists have.

Of course he got a lot better on the meds and doesnt see that either. Its as if he doesnt connect to a single thing that can be called a "pattern" if its his own behavior.

Thanks for posting- this gave me some perspective on the use/addiction spectrum and coping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this isn't about marijuana. This is about addiction and the behaviors that go along with it. If you wrote your post over again and substituted "gambling" or "collecting dolls" in placing of smoking weed, you'd still have a spouse that has lied, spent money that you don't have and is defensive all the time. He's doing what addicts do: transferring the issue onto you. He's shutting you out and being dishonest with everyone, including himself.

Get yourself to Al-Anon or some other type of support group for family members of addicts.

Well, the thing is I already understand ALL of this. I see what he is doing and I get the whole thing.

I want to hear from an actual user who is NOT doing these things. I want to see what a NON addict does. I know what Im dealing with. I want to see what it would look like to deal with a real user who is not an addict. I have a feeling it would be entirely doable for me. once I have something in hand that sounds like what DH thinks he is, then I will be able to show him this is what being a user looks like according to an actual user.

Im looking for a credible account of a user. Will it help DH "see the light"? Probably not. But I just want, for the record, a description not from me of a use pattern that I could live with. Then at least I would have stated what I was TOLD it was going to be and that this is a realistic expectation from someone who is in fact a recreational user and not an out and out addict.

Also, there IS a range. I get that too.