When your spouse is neglectful...

[Anonymous]

sexually and emotionally it can really be difficult to look past that and be romantic and loving back. How do you go about looking past and angry or neglectful spouse, putting behind your own hurt, and just showing how much you love and care about them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sexually and emotionally it can really be difficult to look past that and be romantic and loving back. How do you go about looking past and angry or neglectful spouse, putting behind your own hurt, and just showing how much you love and care about them?

I'd have to vote that without confrontation tell them how much you love them, recall out loud why you got together, and what you think is great about them, hold them and touch them.

Then add some things you wish for like - I wish we had sex like we used to - I love you so much, I don't understand this and it hurts - it's really wearing on me, and I'm feeling lonely, invisible, blah blah blah.... What can we do to fix this or get back on track, I'm really worried...... If you approach it as a problem you share rather than as a criticism, and work it as problem solving, and discuss how you feel rather than blame, maybe you can Create a honest moment of sharing and connection.

What exactly is going on? Are you a DW or DH?

[Anonymous]

OP here. To explain, my wife gets mad at me all the time for things I say, do, don't do, etc... And every time the anger is drawn out for weeks by her. Meanwhile, I've long since apologized but still have to wait her out for weeks. Its draining and I want to go back to showing her my love, like I usually do, but the motivation is so low for me as I get nothing in return. And I'm not even talking sex. Just appreciation or as small as just kindness in return. And then time goes on and I'm getting grumpy and frustrated, while she's still working it out with herself, and maybe I say, do, don't do, something again to anger her... Vicious cycle that seemingly cannot be won

[Anonymous]

Ugh I'm sorry OP. I grew up with a mother like this. It's emotionally draining and you end up Backing away and not bothering. Which makes her upset and the cycle continues. It was a miserable way to grow up and I still have issues from it. Will she agree to see a counselor with you?

[Anonymous]

Dude you gotta open your mouth and say something. Start the conversation and work it out.

"Honey, we need to talk about you staying pissed at me for weeks on end and essentially making me feel like crap. It's making it harder for me to love and appreciate you as my wife and its making it harder for me to love and appreciate myself as a human being."

[Anonymous]

She needs to stop dragging it out and learn to deal with it and then let it go. Maybe the two of you need a third party to help you come to an agreement on the healthiest way to handle these things, and then work on following the rules.

[Anonymous]

We've done counseling. I've said all those things. Its all just her unfortunate way of dealing with anger. Whether or not its even a situation where anger is appropriate (and that is often debatable) she will simmer on it for a while. I may sometimes say things that are insensitive or whatnot, but its never with malicious intent. Its just a mistake

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To explain, my wife gets mad at me all the time for things I say, do, don't do, etc... And every time the anger is drawn out for weeks by her. Meanwhile, I've long since apologized but still have to wait her out for weeks. Its draining and I want to go back to showing her my love, like I usually do, but the motivation is so low for me as I get nothing in return. And I'm not even talking sex. Just appreciation or as small as just kindness in return. And then time goes on and I'm getting grumpy and frustrated, while she's still working it out with herself, and maybe I say, do, don't do, something again to anger her... Vicious cycle that seemingly cannot be won

Sometimes when a person is weak, passive, and/or needy I get irrationally angry at them. Maybe something similar is going on with your wife. Make sure your shit is together and work on being an exceptional individual. Show some initiative, exercise, be a leader for the family. If she gets pissy about it, don't be an ass if you are actually doing something wrong, but if you're not, let her anger slide off of you. Don't react to the anger unless she's significantly out of line. If she is out of line, don't whine about it - tell her calmly and sternly that she's out of bounds and she needs to stop. If she doesn't - then leave the house and go do something you enjoy. Do not rely on her for validation -- that can be draining to the other person.

If you do these things, her attitude toward you ought to change. And, if it doesn't - you'll be in better shape to leave her and find somebody who reacts to you in appropriate ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've done counseling. I've said all those things. Its all just her unfortunate way of dealing with anger. Whether or not its even a situation where anger is appropriate (and that is often debatable) she will simmer on it for a while. I may sometimes say things that are insensitive or whatnot, but its never with malicious intent. Its just a mistake

So let me get this straight: she gets angry over your mistakes, and counseling said "it's just her way of dealing with anger, and there's no justification for her being angry." Most of the time counselors will try to look out what's going on in the whole system and dynamics, without blame, including the individual with poor coping skills. I'm sorry, but you're describing yourself as Mr. Innocent Mistake who suffers the wrath of Evil Angry Wife. Now, poor you, you just want to be loving to Evil Angry Wife, but it's so hard. If I were your counselor that would raise some questions. If its abuse, get help or get out. If it isn't abuse, I see no love in you, just sneaky blame. What do you think will happen if you become more loving?

[Anonymous]

Op, you guys sound like wimps.

[Anonymous]

Might her anger be a way of holding you at arm's length?
And to stave off intimacy and closeness? Did you ever have a close, loving relationship?

[Anonymous]

Our marriage counselor suggested the book "the self-centered Marriage" (it used to be called Scream-free marriage) it has helped me quite a bit, along with counseling.

[Anonymous]

Btw, you're basically asking, "how can I be loving and romantic to someone who is emotionally abusive, and gives nothing back"? The real question is, how can you set boundaries in your relationship and stop tolerating emotional abuse and neglect? It sounds like there are no consequences for her mistreatment of you -- you wait quietly with your tail between your legs until she calms down. That's no way to live -- she won't respect you, and you won't respect yourself.
Something has to change.

[Anonymous]

I have to wonder about the nature of these innocent mistakes. My husband had an affair, but because he didn't do it with malice, and it was a mistake, it didn't count. Totally minimized his "mistake." I was upset for two years. When he started downplaying his "mistake," like pretending it was something as simple as forgetting to pick up coffee at the grocery store, i would be angry. Then he would act innocent and surprised and turn it around on me asking what my problem was. You get the point...... I am now divorcing.

I'm NOT saying that's what's going on here, but there needs to be more information. I'm not comfortable with the line, "I make innocent mistakes and my wife flies off the handle and it lasts forever." Lots of pieces to this story are missing.

Get a different counselor. I'm not buying that you're 100% innocent loving (makinginnocentmistakes) spouse or that shes 100% a lunatic (chronicallyangry spouse.) My take is you're both participating in this dance to some extent.

[Anonymous]

You shouldn't have to OP.

It's a two-way street and unless you get the attention, respect and love that you deserve...Then how are you expected to offer it to someone else?